Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Is it just my au pair who doesn't do her basic jobs without being asked EVERY time???

87 replies

kittywise · 05/01/2009 18:04

Some of you might know me through my au pair saga. We have had a real run of bad luck with them.

I use GUMTREE and not an agency as I've heard so many crappy things about agency au pairs being generally useless and people shedding out loads of money for a shite au pair which the agency won't make amends for.

Anyway the current au pair is studying English here, although her English is pretty good.
I got to meet her before deciding whether to accept her. Gave her extensive questionnaire I got from MN and asked her lots of questions, watched her with the kids etc. Got a good reference. etc.

Anyway, she came last Monday and all seemed ok, a bit manic here as we had lots of christmas guests.
She was very enthusiastic, the kids loved playing with her.

Then on the Thursday she came down with a cold and sore throat and has basically been out of action since then. She has done bits and bobs, but VERY slowly.

After she was with us a couple of days I gave her a very basic and simple routine and jobs that I would like her to do each day like, tidy dc's lunch boxes away, get dc's water at tea time, get pj's on at 6.30, help tidy kitchen after dinner.

None of this gets done without me asking first, everytime.
I've asked her if she understands the list, if she has any questions about it etc. She always says everything's fine with a smile on her face and then doesn't do anything.

Today was first day back at school and she also went back to college, so was well enough to do that, but arrived back 10 mins late to start her shift and been generally dragging her arse around and the house since.

The kids like her which is good and although I trust her not to hurt them in anyway I'm not sure I would be happy leaving her alone with them for longer than me going on the school run (20 mins).
When i came back from school today the baby was walking round with a terrible pooey nappy which had not been changed.
When she dresses the little ones ( only after I've asked) they have really inappropriate clothing on, like just jumper, no socks to go out in.

Now, I don't have a problem settling someone in, showing them the ropes, taking things slowly as long as they are showing willing and some sort of initiative.

Oh I don't know why I'm writing this. I suppose I just wanted to find out whether this is normal? Is it something that i should expect any au par to do?

Do other au pairs do this?

Thanks for reading, I just bloody wish i could find someone with a bit of common sense

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
annh · 06/01/2009 13:03

How do you get a Thai aupair legally? I thought she would have needed a visa to work here?

BonsoirAnna · 06/01/2009 12:46

Interesting that she is Thai. That is a massive cultural gulf to bridge.

Pannacotta · 06/01/2009 12:44

I agree about east Europeans, they often have a fantastic work ethic and are very nice too IME.
Sorry but to me it sounds like you might struggle to get this girl up to speed, she sounds very unaware and not sure you can address this.

Original poster
kittywise · 06/01/2009 12:41

God blueshoes I too would have been shite, but at least I knew it!

OP posts:
Original poster
kittywise · 06/01/2009 12:41

pannacotta, it's a question of finding them oh and money!

I also like Eastern Europeans as far as work ethic goes, but I'm sure there are bad apples in every cart eh?

I might actually ask her exactly what housework she does at home

OP posts:
Pannacotta · 06/01/2009 12:37

Have never had an AP but it sounds like maybe you woudl be better off with someone older, a Mothers Help maybe?
If not then I reckon that a Scandinavian AP might be a better bet. I lived in Sweden for a year and I think their work ethic is pretty good and they generally speak very good English. Your AP sounds lazy and a bit useless to me.

blueshoes · 06/01/2009 12:34

kitty, if I was an aupair at 25, probably not much better . I needed to leave my parents' comfy home and strike out myself before coming to grips with the nuts and bolts of daily living.

Tbh, you don't want to be the one cutting this aupair's teeth on the domestic front. The only saving grace is if she acknowledges she is crap on that score and is willing and quick to learn. If she does not show these personal qualities pretty sharpish, it would be better to see the back of her sooner rather than later.

Original poster
kittywise · 06/01/2009 12:28

bluseshoes she 25!!!!!

OP posts:
blueshoes · 06/01/2009 12:09

Ah, you went with the Thai one. As you would know, it is either humid wet or sweltering hot in Thailand, so understandable about not being able to dress your dcs adequately. Though about being able to dress warmly herself. She should 'get it' after you tell her to put hat/gloves though.

As for not doing housework and not cooking, if it is relatively affordable for middle class families to hire maids in Thailand, then I can understand a pampered lot of children. It was the case when I grew up in Singapore. I would have made an abysmal aupair at 18.

Written timetable is a good idea. Hope her English is ok, otherwise keep it simple.

Original poster
kittywise · 06/01/2009 11:57

no blueshoes she doesn't. She seems to be able to dress herself adequately though. Last time she took them outside, it was as it is now, very sunny but barely reaching zero. They had no hats or gloves and coats undone. They were frozen

OP posts:
Original poster
kittywise · 06/01/2009 11:55

blueshoes, she is Thai, only been over for a month. I think her family must be quite well off, hence her inability to do any housework.
She told me that everything is very cheap in Thailand and that Thai children don't learn to cook. Quite a sweeping statement but I guess it all depends where you stand on the social scale

I am about to write out a more specific list with timings which I shall read through with her today.

OP posts:
NewTeacher · 06/01/2009 11:47

See how she goes today. If things are not improving you need to have the 'talk'. You have employed her to help you at the end of the day and she isnt doing that.

Wish you luck honey...

blueshoes · 06/01/2009 11:01

Does not know difference between PJs and normal clothes? Sounds like quite a big culture gap here. Yes, looks like you have to label and sort your drawers very carefully and hope she can conform to it.

I have to admit I choose and layout my dcs' clothes and pjs everyday - but that is just me loving and hogging my dcs' dressing, mix and match and all that. The few times I forget, my German and Swedish aupair had no problem dressing them properly from clothes in the drawers. Then again, I don't have 6 dcs.

Does she know how to dress your dcs adequately for the cold weather?

Original poster
kittywise · 06/01/2009 10:55

dad, it's true in many cultures though.

Well she is much better health-wise today and has cleaned the kitchen a bit this morning before she went out.
I shall keep quiet today and see if she does nay of her other jobs unprompted.

A big and very, very important aspect of the help I need is with my mountainous pile of laundry. I do three big loads a day so there is constantly stuff to be washed ironed and put away.

I am going to go and make sure all the shelves are labeled properly, although she doesn't not seem to know the difference between pyjamas and normal clothes, so the kids are sometimes dressed for the day in pyjamas.

OP posts:
DadInsteadofMum · 06/01/2009 10:16

Hem, hem - "their husband won't lift a finger domestically"

blueshoes · 06/01/2009 10:07

ktty, sounds dire. No, I would not expect an aupair to be reminded of her duties everytime. It is not rocket science.

However, I do find that if I leave my aupair on her own with dcs, (I think) she is better at getting organised on her own initiative than when I am in the house. Once I am in, she sorts of goes into a passive blanky mode and I find myself irritated when she does not do 'obvious' things to help out without my pointing out. But nothing horrendous.

Agree with Boffinmum. 2 weeks is about as long as I will give her to pull up her socks.

BoffinMum · 06/01/2009 09:19

I think it might be good to have a meeting with her and spell out that she she has misunderstood her role, and that she is on two weeks' notice to improve, so she has to start showing a bit more intiative now.

I would tell her once again very specifically what she is supposed to be doing and when (which is what my agency did for me), and provide her with a detaied printed sheet of her duties.

I would then tell her very specifically what you are unhappy about, referring to the list for examples of where she has fallen short of requirements.

I think you might find a miracle cure in her health is effected, and there is a big improvement in her attitude.

Original poster
kittywise · 05/01/2009 23:03

Thanks all

Mine doesn't have to do much house work at all. For my cleaner I have written a very detailed plan.

All the au pair has to do is:
play with little dc's whilst I get on with stuff (sleep), then help sort out lunch boxes when bigger dcs come in from school,
then play with dc's until tea tme when she is to put out plates, get drinks,
then after tea play with dc's, get little dc's ready for bed and help tidy kitchen.

ALL of it have have mention everyday

I am so hoping that when she is no longer ill that she will improve.

Get this, I left her unloading asda home shopping delivery when I went off to school, when I came back asda man had left all the crates behind. I can only assume he got pissed off waiting!

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 05/01/2009 22:38

Mine was pretty ropey to start with, as you might have seen on my related thread, but the agency did a really good job sorting her out, and now she's really helpful and seems a lot happier in herself as well. I think she hadn't actually realised she was being hopeless and it was only when she realised she might have to leave, that it occurred to her she wasn't doing what was required.

echt · 05/01/2009 22:18

Kitty, when I had APs I wrote out the things I wanted them to do, dividing up the tasks into: Every day, once a week,etc. They appreciated this. I also demonstrated EVERY task I wanted doing; in this way they could see how thoroughly I wanted it doing, and, crucially, how long it took, so no grounds for "it took me 20 minutes to mop the kitchen floor".

Quite a lot of APs have done no domestic tasks before leaving home, it seems to be their mums' way of shielding them form the awful fate awaiting them on marriage, i.e. their husband won't lift a finger domestically. One of ours told us she asked her mum to show her how to iron clothes just before she left! I must say her ironing was superb, so good on yer, mum.

Re-reading your posts does make me think your AP may be feckless, though.

MarmadukeScarlet · 05/01/2009 22:18

Kitty, I give a timetable - similar to school - with timings of how long I expect chore to take.

I actually allow around 50% more time than if I was to do the job myself, as the young don't seem to have the same sense of urgency...

Not many things irritate me more (housework-wise) than neatly iron laundry which has then been screwed up.

HarrietTheSpy · 05/01/2009 22:09

That is precisely how I felt with our nannies. Last two lovely as people, but as you say, all three had their own set of issues. Which is why DD2 is going to a nursery...and I'm wringing my hands thinking about what to do re school pick ups....and applying for flexible working so I am not so exposed to cock ups...

Original poster
kittywise · 05/01/2009 20:50

Well, that's good news then, they ARE out there. It's just so bloody hard to vet them though is't it?

What more can you do than ask loads of question, ones you think will give you clues as to what to expect. Some people are very good at coming over a certain way when you first meet them though.

I really am going to have to be more specific in what I ask for in the future, eg someone with domestic experience
That's one thing I like about using gumtree is that I usually get the chance to meet them first.

This is the 4th one since September.

All have been unsuitable for entirely different reasons and each time i think "well at least I know to look out for that next time" but then with the next aupair comes a new problem. And so on.

OP posts:
thebody · 05/01/2009 20:45

said it before (and got absolutely mauled by mumsnetters), these young Au pairs take the job and then assume the role of another child in the house, albeit the oldest.
I have lots of sympathy eith you I really do it must be bloody awful... oh and before I get slated again of course some Au pairs are wonderful...

Pollyanna · 05/01/2009 20:43

you don't want to hear this, but my last 2 au pairs have been absolutely fantastic. My current one decided to get up each weekday morning and help us from 7am (she is only officially on duty from 8.30 to do school run). She does whatever is needed around the house and uses her initiative always.

I am dreading my current one leaving (I am really fond of her too, and will really miss her). I have only had one bad au pair. I am not looking forward to recruiting the next one in March