AP taking liberties or not??

I do have an AP, and to be honest I think you are being very strict.
My AP has no need of a car for our 'job' (kids get picked up at our door by a school bus) and there are buses/trains close to our house, but we have paid for her to be insured on the car particularly to give her a sense of freedom to pop to the shops etc during the day (our AP loves to browse the dvds in tesco and buys all sorts of biscuits/choc that she fancies eating in her room (so she has never eaten my last chocolate - a big fear of mine )
We set up skype on her computer - so she has access to very cheap calls home whenever she wants to ring (as long as she is not looking after the children) which she pays for (but they cost pennies), she also has instant messenger, and email, and since she prefers to watch dvds or surf the internet she is in her room a lot of the time in the evening.
When we have friends over I have asked her if she wants to be included or not - sometimes she does, sometimes not, but I don't feel I have to entertain her - and my friends are happy to talk to her.

How long has she been staying with you? Our AP was slightly clingier for the first week or so, but has got more and more independent as time went on.

I used to be an au pair and it really is common sense to leave the couple alone.

maybe if you don't want her to eat with you, she could eat with the children earlier on in the evening?

Given what you describe of your location, I think it's okay personally to limit car usage to stuff which is really not walkable and/or related to DCs. The excess wouldn't have occurred to me - as another poster puts it, she is either safe or she isn't- but the petrol cost would frankly. Sorry, call me a cheapskate.

You do sound controlling I'm afraid. You should make up your mind whether or not you want her to have access to a car, and stick to that rather than fussing over whether she pops into Tescos or not. You are risking the £400 when she takes your son to the party, so why not when she is in Tesco?

Re the dinner parties - I would say to her "You need to make yourself scare for the evening because we are entertaining. What are your plans for dinner because there won't be any spare food from our meal."

I don't have an au pair so feel free to ignore my input if you wish.

However the first thing that you state is that your ap is excellent at caring for your children and good at cleaning.

I can understand your point about the excess, but tbh it does seem really minor. If you are happy enough for her to drive your children to school, and you are not using the car it seems a tad churlish to insist that she walks everywhere. Perhaps she is not one of lifes walkers or cyclists, and if driving to Tescos gives her pleasure then is it such a major issue ?

Ditto calling parents. You want to be there to monitor length of calls. She wants you not to be there so she can speak to them privately, perhaps to moan about you and your DCs, in the way I'm sure that all Aps/Nannies/CMs and nursery staff need to do from time to time.

About the weekend dining, yes you do need to speak to her about that.

I've had au pairs in the past and have to say that you do sound controlling. Popping to Tesco's on the way back from the party isn't a big crime imho, neither is calling her Mum without telling you. You've said yourself that her childcare and cleaning are great, so the phone call isn't effecting her work.

I do agree however about the evening situation and have to say that I was advised by friends to make it clear before you offer the role that you want evenings alone. It's a lot harder to explain this now and really you should have told her earlier so that she could decide if she'd be happy on her own at night.

NT
I can understand how the selective listening would niggle as well. This comes with the caveat that i can be easily irritated but if she didn't bother with the small stuff (it's so easy just to do as you ask, it's not her house, car etc after all) i would start to wonder whether she would do her own thing on the bigger issues.

NewTeacher
I so sympathise with the evening related and dinner party issues. What you describe is just the scenario I couldn't face. Dinners with friends are the main way we relax and it would have driven me nuts to be constantly on duty entertaining an au pair. I think you are just going to have to say it and also help her find some local activities to go along to.

I think part of it is that you need to "let go" IYSWIM?

I guess you don't want her using the car incase she has an accident? The car is insured right so don't worry about it, if she is confident then leave it at that. How absurd would it be to be out in the car, go home then get a bus to Tesco. If you were the AP would you think your host was mental asking you to do that?

I understand that they are your rules etc but maybe she does not want to tell you that she thinks you ABU, maybe this is her way of getting you to rethink things. I do not agree with it personally as if I had a problem I would try and resolve it through talking with you.

Also with the phone, can't you just trust her that she has to end it before an hour? If you can trust her with your DC you should be able to trust her with that surely? YOu say she calls when she is supposed to be claning, but you also said that her cleaning is great so as long as she is doing her job and the children are happy does it really matter.

With the whole her hanging around in the evening, can you sort out her meeting up with other APs? Have you explained explicitly that she is free to do what she wants on weekends? She may be worried that you will br cross if she does her own thing, esp as you seem to be "controlling" in other ways? I cna imagine her saying to friends "she doesn't like me using the car can you imagine what would happen if I came home as 1am drunk!" etc.

I think she sounds ok from your post, but if you aren't happy then my opinion doesn't mean anything at all. Plus I have never had an AP or been an AP!

I don't have an AP and tbh the stories on here have pretty much put me off for life! But compared to most of those posts, I have to say your experience doesn't sound at all bad. I'm not sure why you have this rigid rule about not using the car for anything except the school run - assuming you don't need it yourself - but even when she has broken the rule, it's not like she's been partying with it. She's just driven to college and called into tesco. Is that really so bad? I also don't understand why she can't use the phone when you're not around if it doesn't cost you anything. I understand it's your house your rules, but you do seem to want a lot of control. And the issue about her spending evenings with you is the opposite of what a lot of people struggle with - most are worried that their AP is standoffish/hides in their room. Obviously a middle ground is best and of course you want to sit with your DH, but why not go cuddle up in bed and watch telly? You know that APs are meant to be part of the family and that's just how she's behaving. Part of the motivation for her is to share in your life, dinner parties and all, unless she's really not welcome in which case I guess you have to explain it v sensitively or send her out for a nice treat maybe.

Reading back over your post, there's a funny contradiction in that you don't want her in your face but you also want a lot of control i.e. to be in her face in way. Not criticising because it's clearly a v tricky balance and I don't know how anyone gets it right, but honestly, she sounds pretty good to me. Does anyone else agree?