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Original poster

AP taking liberties or not??

64 replies

NewTeacher · 15/12/2008 12:31

Hi All

I have a lovely AP who is great with my DC's and always goes that extra mile with them.

I think that is the reason when she does things that I think ar wrong or irritating I let it go as her childcare and cleaning is spot on.

However, she has use of the car to tak my DS to and from school and that is it I have made this clear from day 1. She managed to get a parking ticket in her first week as she had used the car to get to college and it had been in the car park for over 3 hours (limit is 3 hrs). I didnt shout and she paid for the ticket in instalments BUT (there is always a but!)this meant that she had ignored my request of only using the car for school runs.

The college is about a 10 nminute walk from our house as is the local High St and rail station. Bus stops for other places are 5 mins away hence I do not feel she needs to use the car. Our last AP walked everywhere as she didnt have to do the school run. We even bought a bike for this one but its too frosty to use at the moment she says.

Now tot he main issues...

Well I asked her to take DS to a party today and to use the car after which she is supposed to go home. I've rung her to find out she is in Tesco's!! So I'm a bit miffed to say the least as she has taken the car.

I have also said she can use the phone to call her parents but should do it when I am home (it is free to call her home country its just that I need to check she isnt on it longer than an hour) BUT everyday when I get home she has called home and this is usually in the time she is supposed to be doing her household chores.

The other thing is she doesnt seem to understand that in the evenings she should let me and DH have some couple time. In the beginning she used to sit between us on the sofa! DH had to tell her to move in the end. He works away alot so when he is back I wwould like to have alone time just chilling in front of the tv but she is always there. She has a tv in her room and there is one in the DC's playroom which has all the sky channels but she sits with us.

I have also said that at weekends she needs to fend for herself, food is in the kitchen so she can help herself. I have found when we have guests she comes along and helps herself to food (as in dinner party stuff)and even sits in the room and I dont have it in me to say we are entertaining....

I just dont expect her to be with us 24/7 and I know you wil say she is part of the family but when I was in my late teens and living at home I was expected to leave my parents and their guests to it...TBH I dont want someone in my face all the time, there is plenty for her to do and places to go and local friends she just prefers to sit with us!!!

HELP me please....

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thebody · 28/12/2008 14:12

All I can say is if the AP and the parents are all at daggers drawn what about the kids!!!

If they are happy with AP isnt all that really matters??

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/12/2008 13:52

so new teacher -what are you going to do?

keep ap or scak her and get a new one who wants to do all your rules

i do think a little give and take over the car is needed - if she is happy to pay costs of an accident and petrol when not using the car for work duties - sounds a good idea

Nighbynight · 27/12/2008 11:38

BlueGreen, I think it is because the calls can cost the host family money, not because the OP wants to eavesdrop?

I think that NewTeacher sounds a very nice host mum, but maybe needs to change a few arrangements so that the situation works better, both for her and her AP.

BlueGreen · 26/12/2008 23:53

why does she need to tell you that she called her family anyway? Its none of your business and If you dont understand German you wouldnt be able to find out even IF she hide something. You dont make sense.

Its all good when she does everyhing spot on but when it comes to do YOUR share you just..... I think you are not controlling you are very! controlling!!!

I wouldnt like to be your Aupair.

Nighbynight · 26/12/2008 19:14

to answer the OP -

the car is a tricky one. Can see your point, but must be also a bit restrictive for her. Can you explain that if she has an accident, she will pay the excess if the car was found to have been used outside her duties?
also is it practical to put in only the petrol that she needs for her weekly duties, so that she fills it up herself if she goes further?

WRT the phone - I give my AP an accesss number, which is different from the one I use, and then I check the bill at the end of the month and deduct the amount used on her access number from her wages. Nobody has tried to take the piss out of this simple scheme so far.

Re the food, I agree with whoever said you need to be assertive about this. Just say "Ive put all the food for xxxx HERE, so don't touch it will you. Thanks."
My dd and AP between them managed to open and scoff half of, a cooked ham with a huge golden sticker on it saying MERRY CHRISTMAS. Honestly, youd have thought that would have been a hint!!

I am too much of a wuss to be assertive about the couple time (and might hurt her feelings). Would probably get a tv for the bedroom, and retire there with dh!

If she is good with the children, and cleans well, then a fair bit of aggro can be forgiven, though.

cheapskatemum · 26/12/2008 18:24

I so very hope so. I too have noticed this trend and it's put me off using Mumsnet. Just have to keep checking back to see whether trend has finished or not!

Coldtits · 23/12/2008 15:13

I think it's a combination of credit crunchh (and everyone wanting to squeeze a bit more for their money) and the stress of impending Christmas, myself.

HarrietTheSpy · 23/12/2008 15:12

It has, hasn't it? Normally I'm oblivious to these things but it's pretty apparent these days.

Communal PMT?

The credit crunch ?

Full moon?

Who knows?

Coldtits · 23/12/2008 15:10

Very true, HArriet. It's all got a bit shrill.

HarrietTheSpy · 23/12/2008 15:08

Also familiar these days:

"hi, what do you think about this, am I being unreasonable."

"Yes you are you crazy bit* how DARE you even ask?" Followed by scores of lemmings piling in, not read thread add their views.

Coldtits · 23/12/2008 14:31

"Am I being unreasonable?"

"Yes, yes you are."

"No I am not, how very DARE you!!!?"

SOund familiar?

mumof2222222222222222boys · 23/12/2008 14:26

We have an AP who uses teh car to take the children to nursery. It is not a very exciting car (old Peugeot), but it is our only car.

The contract says that she can have the car "by arrangement" for personnel use. I have no problem when she pops into Sainsbury on the way home, nor did I have a problem when she asked if she could use it to go to a shop about 8? miles away. In fact she is always very considerate and I have no issues with her at all.

We live in north London and public transport is good. Our previous AP was lazy. Despite tube, buses and a bike ("I no like sport") she insisted on driving the car to college / parking in a public car park (at her cost)...she didn't last long.

New Teacher - I completely understand your concerns about the car. however, I do think some of the other issues you have are a little OTT. It is so easy though to have communication issues with APs...you need to talk things through asap, before they become issues!

ssd · 23/12/2008 08:28

wow!!

who'd be an au pair?

does the ability to mind read and do exactly what you want come in the job description NT?

or is being great with your kids enough?

I bet some au pairs could write a book with all the shit compains they get

blueshoes · 23/12/2008 08:20

So true, jenni. The key for domestic arrangements to work is communication because every household is set up and run differently and not everything can be foreseen in advance. This is as opposed to expecting people to think exactly like us and seethe and explode, not that the OP is in any danger of this, but this is a lesson I have had to learn along the way. Not all things are Obvious - it only takes a matter-of-fact ideally real time pointing out to set things straight.

JenniPenni · 23/12/2008 08:12

As with Cm'ing, there are often grey areas, and each CM/household has their own rules and way of doing things. This should all be as clear as day in the (signed) contract and initial discussions.

Re using a car, I think it totally acceptable, in this time of money being tight, for a car to be used for DCs only and not personal use, if there is public transport available.

(a) The AP agreed to it when she took the job, and (b) the cost involved.

We all run our households differently, under varying circumstances. What would seem preposterous to one person, is normal to another. Worth bearing in mind when reading posts here

Original poster
NewTeacher · 22/12/2008 23:03

20 mins drive. Trust me if it was walkable they would walk!!

OP posts:
cheapskatemum · 22/12/2008 22:07

HarrietTheSpy, you are right to suspect it's difficult to keep an AP without use of car. Famously, a year ago a Turkish AP came (supposedly a driver)who couldn't drive, she got very bored, but then she was from Istanbul. She didn't mind walking 30 minutes to DS4s school, though!

NewTeacher, is that 20 minutes walk, or 20 min.s drive?

Original poster
NewTeacher · 22/12/2008 18:26

HTS Why do you think I havent bothered answering the posts on this thread. People dont read it and just want to make me out to be a control freak so be it I say!

My parents had a car on their driveway everyday but we werent allowed to use it to go to college etc as it was easily accesible by bus! My parents said no use so I didnt. whats not to understand?

If she'd have asked i would have said yes I'm not a nasty ogre if I was she would have left long ago!

But the point is the car is for work use only. Tesco was not on the way to the party you have to pass home then go onto Tesco. Like I've said over and over the car is for work use only this was the case from day 1. I have not provided the car as a perk of the job everything is easily accesible by walk (no use of bus even!!!!!) Again for those of you that didnt get it the first time its not because of her having an accident as YES that can happen with DS in the car its to do with other scratches and AP's not taking appropriate care (its not their car after all) I dont want to pay a £400 exccess. Its a newish car not some crappy old thing so I want it looked after.

At the end of the day the AP wouldnt be driving a car at all its only because she has to take DS to school which is 20 mins away!

And on that note MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

OP posts:
HarrietTheSpy · 22/12/2008 17:03

Okay, I'm ready to get flamed here, but I'm really puzzled by the attitude towards NT on this thread.

With the caveat that I agree with the ohter postrs totally about the phone. The car however:

AP gets hired and it's explained to her that she is allowed to use the car for childcare responsibilites. The car is not for personal use. Takes the job on.

Uses the car to drive to college w/o asking, gets a ticket. Sorry, can you please go back to using the car for work only.

AP goes ahead and uses car again anyway.

I suspect the Tesco thing rankles not cause it was just a little trip and NT needs to control everything she does but because it comes across more like, well, I know you've asked me something but I'm just not bothered really.

NT - if she'd just mentioned to you would you mind terribly if I stopped off at Tesco on the way home, would you have said, go on then??? This is the way I would go about building a good relationship with a family I worked for, if I'd done something like get the car ticket driving a car I'd been asked not to use for that purpose. But then again, I suppose I would have been overly conformist at her age and done as I'd been asked about something like a car which someone else was paying the petrol for and the insurance on.

Signed,
Harriet the Prude

MerrySquiffness · 22/12/2008 10:42

Kitturn, I think you learn as a family that AP's come in all shapes and sizes and dispositions, and the same is true of families.

Having had some ropey experiences I decided to have one very last try. And I have the nicest, most considerate AP I could dream of. He's chilled, cheerful, hard-working, reliable (he even phones me to double-check in case he thinks I might forget something). and I promise you we appreciate him very much and we are very aware that if we don't treat him well, someone else will.

Please don't let our moaning (I have done enough of it on other threads about other AP's) put you off - I think being an AP is a great way to spend a year or so.

blueshoes · 21/12/2008 23:00

Agree with Boffinmum's approach.

googgly · 21/12/2008 22:28

I love reading these threads now we've decided never, ever to have another ap. Merry Christmas

navyeyelasH · 21/12/2008 22:11

Is tesco anywhere near where the DC had the party?

underpaidandoverworked · 21/12/2008 22:04

I'm a CM btw, but would certainly tell my parents where to get off if they tried to be as controlling as this!

underpaidandoverworked · 21/12/2008 22:01

Kitturn, my thoughts exactly, well done for voicing your opinion on behalf of other APs!