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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

APs and staying out late - any advice?

56 replies

MizZan · 06/11/2008 10:18

We have a lovely 19 YO German au pair who is really a delightful person, very nice with the kids, reasonably helpful around the house and generally seems (or seemed) like a sensible, responsible person, given her very young age.

My problem is this - she has started staying out very very late (like 2, 3 AM) during weeknights, and (I think) possibly staying out all night once or twice and then coming back in before she's meant to start work at 7:30. It seems she's met A BOY - which is very nice of course.

Now - on weekends, I don't have a huge issue with this, though ideally I'd like her to let us know if she's staying out all night so we don't worry. But - I'm not so ok with it during the week. I feel like if she has to be up and ready for work (which involves childcare and school/nursery runs for 2 little ones, so not just mindless cleaning) at 7:30, she should be home at a reasonable hour the night before, and also I just want the peace of mind of knowing that she's home and safe and that she will actually definitely be there and functional at 7:30 the next morning - it's just not something I want to spend time stressing about, iykwim.

I sat her down earlier this week and had a chat to her about this as she'd been out till about 4 the night before, and she insisted it was just a one-off as this boy she'd met was about to leave for parts unknown, and said it wouldn't happen again, and was very apologetic. BUT - I then had to travel for business overnight, got home at midnight last night to find the house asleep (or so I thought), latched the door, only to be roused at 1:15 AM by the AP ringing the bell because she'd been out and couldn't get in. She apologised this morning for waking me up, and said she'd told DH she'd be out late, but it was as if that earlier conversation about not staying out late on work nights had just never happened.

So I don't know whether I was just too nice in our chat, or whether I really have to set a firm curfew during the week, or whether I am just being unreasonable, or what. Keep in mind that other than this, we are happy with her, and given my work situation (and DH basically working very long hours so not around to provide back-up at all), it would be a real challenge not to mention disruptive for the children (who like her) if we have to replace her at short notice. But I'm not happy with this behaviour or with the fact that she pretty much ignored my "nicely" telling her not to do this once already. I have no experience with this as our previous APs just never did this. What do the rest of you do about this issue?

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blueshoes · 06/11/2008 11:13

Hi Lucy, I agree about the give-and-take and preserving feelings.

Whether the aupair is an employee or member of the family or a bit of both, some messages have to be said so long as the aupair lives under Mizzan's roof. Sadly Mizzan has to reel things back a bit simply because, I assume, she did not have a house rule to this effect. But you cannot provide for every eventuality in house rules and such situations will arise.

IMO the self-deprecating language about being paranoid, unreasonable and sensitive is rather wishywashy and shall I say, 'British'. For Germans particularly, it is best to be straightforward and get to the point, giving reasons. If it is a firm limit, say it is a firm limit (with an initial monitoring period). Otherwise, it is not fair to blame the aupair if she continues with a case-by-case approach.

I attended a cultural awareness course so forgive me for stereotyping but the course leader was German and told this to me. I have had a lovely German aupair myself.

An aupair is supposed to be treated as a member of the family. If my teenage daughter had school the next day, I would not be shy to impose a mutually agreed curfew if she started taking the piss. Them's the breaks if you live under someone's roof.

zeee · 06/11/2008 11:12

Did she ignore your "nice" chat, or did she actually come in earlier as you requested - 1am instead of 4am?

Tbh, she's an adult and should be able to organise her own time how she sees fit - the only thing you can comment on is how she performs her duties. Is she awake, alert, on time and competent when she's working? If so then you need to let her get on with it. If she's turning up late, grumpy, or hungover then you can talk to her about that.

I was an au pair when I was 20, and my boss worked odd shifts, sometimes having to leave at 3am for example. I'd still go out the night before but always got home at least half an hour before I was on duty, always did my job well. I'm glad my boss treated me like an adult rather than a wayward child, and I'm still in touch with her and the children now.

Lucy87 · 06/11/2008 10:51

She is your employee, but equally, she's not on duty at these times. It may create bad feeling to insist, although it's clear no one is at their best after 2 hours sleep.

It's very difficult. Perhaps say,

"I'm sorry I know I'm probably paranoid and unreasonable, but when you are going to be walking the kids to school could you be in by 12ish the night before? I'm so sorry to be such a drag, I am just really sensitive myself after less sleep and am worried you may be the same - it's only the kids I'm worried about - I don't want to boss you around too much".

I know this seems overly sensitive, but you have to live with each other 24/7, so preserving good feeling should be regarded very highly if you want to keep her.

Lucy87 · 06/11/2008 10:51

She is your employee, but equally, she's not on duty at these times. It may create bad feeling to insist, although it's clear no one is at their best after 2 hours sleep.

It's very difficult. Perhaps say,

I know this seems overly sensitive, but you have to live with each other 24/7, so preserving good feeling should be regarded very highly if you want to keep her.

blueshoes · 06/11/2008 10:48

Hi Mizzan, I would set a firm curfew for Sun to Thurs nights which you and dh agree with her in advance, perhaps midnight or 1 am at a push? With a probationary period to monitor whether it is affecting her duties the next day to come back so late, particularly if she is going to push it to 1 am on a regular basis. I would be matter-of-fact, rather than apologetic, about it.

You have valid reasons to require this. It is not unreasonable to require her to meet her boyfriend on weekends with shorter dates during the week. I would make an exception and allow her to stay out later on a one-off basis (eg boyfriend going away for a long time).

Even now, have these late nights been affecting her duties eg is she waking up on time, has she been forgetful whereas she was more attentive in the past?

For future, put it in your house rules. I stipulate in my rules the aupair must come home at a reasonable time if she has early morning duties the next day (7 am start at my house). Otherwise she only needs to let me know when she comes home. I baulked at putting an actual time (because some people have more stamina re: lack of sleep than others) but at least if it is in the house rules it can form the basis of future discussions.

Hope it works out.

coolj · 06/11/2008 10:28

Perhaps she thought 1.15am wasnt really late. You ought to tell her that during the week she needs to be home by a certain time and stick to it as she has to be alert for her duties the next day.

She is your employee, staying in YOUR house. You set the rules.

BTW Ive never had an AP before, but I do have German students, normally 17 YO stay in our home for a few months at a time, and from the outset tell them rules and regs so that there is no hassle further down the line. Hope this helps a bit .

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