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Original poster

Au pair not working out

135 replies

geisha · 19/09/2008 08:01

Having our first au pair is not workingout for me. I find it intrusive having someone else in the house and stressful having to consider someone else (I did't think I would). She is nice enough - some small inadequecies but to be honest if I wanted her to stay I would work at addressing those issues so it is unfair to list them. I just feel like I have another child to consider/cook for/worry about..... and don't need it.

She has only been here since Saturday but already I know it is not for me..... I will of course pay for her flight home and give her reasonable notice but please give me some advice about how to address this and when? Thanks.....

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milene · 19/09/2008 10:42

Exactly - treat her like another adult, not another child. If there are two dinners to cook, why can't you do one and she do one for example?

OneLieIn · 19/09/2008 10:37

You need to make her your help, so for example about the food, say you can eat with the kids or make your own later. If she does not want to eat at 5 or 6 it should not be you cooking. Do you have a list of jobs she is to do for you and the family? for example, every morning can you make the DCs beds, tidy up after breakfast, put the dishwasher on, feed the cat etc.

You should also ask her to clean up after the kids if she eats with them and say 'Could you unload the dishwasher for me?'

Honestly all of this is exactly what I went through and I got through it. The clearer the boundaries and expectations, the better it works.

In terms of social network, we asked her what she liked to do, she said dance, so we talked her into going to Ceroc classes. We also answered an advert on here for an au pair to help another MNer with her German speaking son which has worked out. Maybe you could ask on here whether anyone local to you has an au pair.

Remember she is NOT your child.

Lucy87 · 19/09/2008 10:27

Just wanted to comment on one particular part of your reply,

Even though she may not want to eat at 5pm, she could still heat it up later/ do her own soup or pasta at a more suitable hour for her! You don't need to put yourself out by cooking a whole new meal, from that angle seems like YOU are placing the burden on YOURSELF. I'm sure if you let her know you were not a big dinner person she would not be too fussed.

Maybe you could relax what you think you are 'required to do' and you wouldn't find it as much of a strain? I am a nanny, although of usual au pair age (21) and I wouldn't mind at all if my host mother said, "I'm just not cooking, can you work it out yourself?".

Just an idea!

Original poster
geisha · 19/09/2008 09:53

Thanks for the your comments they are helpful. I thought very, very long and hard before deciding to go down the au pair route. Did a lot of research and considered what the positive and negetive implications might be. I did not feel that I would find having an au pair in the house intrusive, not for a moment. I also did not think that I would feel like I had a third child to look after. A good example is that I cook for the children when I get home from work, sort them out and put them to bed, then I cook for myself and the au pair. If the au pair were not here, I would just eat the kids leftovers! But I can understand that she doesn't want to eat at 5 or 6pm.

I have enrolled her in college to attend english lessons two mornings a week and I believe that last year there were 3 or 4 french au pairs in the class, so hopefully she will make some friends.

I had not thought of helping her find another family, I would be happy to do that. She would be an excellent au pair for a family geared up for it. It is early days and I will do a timetable try that way and just give it some more time.

Oneliein - any tips for developing the social network? Thanks.

OP posts:
OneLieIn · 19/09/2008 09:11

Geisha, we are also on our first au pair and I would say that for a short time at the beginning I felt exactly like you did. I felt very much like I had gained little except for another child.

However, we put more structure around what AP was doing, gave her more of a timetable and jobs to do and gave it time. We also made a big effort to get her out and about meeting new friends. And it worked.

We are now 10 weeks in and it has been really good overall. The DCs love her totally and we have appreciated the extra pair of hands around.

My advice to you would be to

  • give it time
  • put some structure around
  • get her a social network

I would not pack her off because you might be missing something that turns out to be great.

squiffy · 19/09/2008 09:11

We had a very shaky start with our new one and only really sorted it out 4 weeks in. I think a week is too short a time - you've only experienced the downsides... why did you get her in the first place? For emergency care, to help the school run? List out the reasons you went for an au pair in the first place and work out what you are going to do instead to solve these problems, then make a decision

And I agree that it would not be fair to just put her on a flight home. At very least sit down with her and explain how you feel and help her fidn a new family to move to (unless she really is hopeless).

Janni · 19/09/2008 09:06

I would not consider having an au pair because I know I would feel as you describe, so you have my sympathy.

However, having been an au pair myself, I would ask you to treat her very delicately so she doesn't lose all confidence in herself. It would be really nice of you to help her find another family. I shouldn't think she just wants to go back home!

overthemill · 19/09/2008 09:03

i think this is because she is new and you haven't had one before. she may be lonely and so hanging aroound a bit more than you expected. once she has friends she will be better i am sure. does anyone else you know have an au pair, has she started her language class yet etc, think of how she must feel

BecauseImWorthIt · 19/09/2008 09:01

Did you not think about this before taking her on?

And it's only been since Saturday - not even a week!

What is she supposed to do now? It's very gracious of you to say you will pay for her to go home, but she came here to learn English - that's what the whole au pair thing is about.

You need to give it more time - but if you really can't make it work, then you need to help her find another family not just expect to pack her off home.

FourArms · 19/09/2008 08:46

Could you talk to her about how she's finding it? Perhaps help her to find another family - it's much easier once they're already over here as families can meet her face to face.