Au pair not working out

As for discipline, I explained to the au pair (in French so no danger of misunderstanding) that if the children are naughty or rude or hit her/anyone they are to be put on the naughty step for 3 minutes and ignored. Also explained naughty step routine - warning, saying sorry hug etc. She has 21 month old and just 4 year old for about an hour on her own each evening, and I think she needs to be able to do this when we're not around.

She must learn to discipline and you must be firm with her. Explain why it is necessary and although she of course can be friendly with the children, you need to know she is in control. The best way I've found of making AP's feel confident they can manage my child's behaviour is to leave them to it for a few hours. This gives them confidence that you are not going to be watching or about to step in. Helps them find their feet with the child in a way they won't with you around. Also, it's very early days for her to feel comfortable disciplining.

We also have a weekly timetable with set tasks that are done on set days, and also daily tasks. If AP is eating with us in the evening (we all eat together so slightly easier) then she is expected to help with preparations and help clear up. You have to be specific e.g. clean the bathroom on Tuesdays. Then on her first Tuesday you show her how you like the bathroom cleaned. Some take more initiative than others but assume no initiative and work from there. She is not another child and if she is able to relax in to thinking she is it will be a nightmare.

With going out etc, offer the lift but be explicit, say you and the kids will be doing your own thing and spending some time just yourselves. Sometimes the things we do at the weekend easily include the AP, sometimes they are just family things and there is no harm in this. As soon as they have some friends they will be off more anyway.

I encourage our AP to not discipline the kids becase (A) I don't think they are always good judges of what is/isn't OK and (B) I think the AP-child relationship works better if the kids think of the AP as on 'their' side, not their parents', IYSWIM. Obviously this only goes so far, but I think having them think the AP is their friend not their carer seems to smooth things over.

Just my view....

She's just testing the boundaries??

Timetable is a great idea. I also have a calendar on the fridge where everyone writes down what they are doing plus an AP diary in which she writes down what they have done or eaten if I am not around. This is mainly so I don't make spaghetti for the 8th time this week!

As for novelty, they will see the AP as a friend which is great. My DCs see AP as friend and me as mum and there is a real difference in their eyes. Don't worry about it, they love you more for getting her!

About the Birmingham shopping thing, why not say to her that you will drive her with you and drop her off and she will have to make her own way home or meet you at a set time at a set place. This way she gets out to a big city and you get time alone.

I think you are perfectly within reason to want time with the kids when you get home. I want and expect that too. You could ask her to cook a bit extra when she cooks the kids supper so that you can just reheat yours when you get home. When you get home, d a quick reheat and bugger off to eat it somewhere else (like your bedroom) she will soon get the hint and either heat her portion when she feels like it or eat with the kids.

So that gives you more time with kids, less time cooking.

I often come home and the nanny says "oh there's more pasta in the frdge if you want it". I either heat my bit or make myself something else.

Hi
I have just done my first au pair experience this summer and completely understand your problem. I too had a very strong feeling that i wanted our au pair to leave before the end of the first week!! We had a sulky Italian girl who was not very energetic, lovely natured and very easy to get on with - just boring to be around....so, I'm afraid I told her how I was feeling and that we needed a bit more of a response from her (the issue was over her dangerous driving and her nonchalence when I commented on it!!). We had 'words' and she bucked her ideas up. Your girl will be feeling very strange in your home as hard as you try and I know that everyone will be telling you this so ....sorry.

However, she was only due to stay for 6 weeks in total and has now left, and to be honest I miss her help now. I just tried to keep behaving normally so the rest of the family could relax. It was only me in the family who had the problem with her and we had another two bust ups whilst she was here which did help to clear the air!!
I would suggest talking to her and be honest about how you are feeling - it is just like having another kid in the house-we have four already!!
GOOD LUCK and try and get all the help you can from her!!

Don't have it yet, I think MNHQ actually have to send it on, so will keep my eyes open.

If you get too negative I will just tell you some of my AP horror stories and you will realise she is not that bad!

Well from what you say this is typical, ime!

I am often jealous of my DC thinking the AP is more fun than exhausted, busy mummy.

Timetable her more chores and less child time, when I have an ap it is so I can spend quality time with both my children whilst she gets on with the essentials. I also timetable an ap to spend time one to one with each dc so I can do the same with the other.

You have to put quite a lot in to organisation at the start to get a healthy balance, but once it is working it is fab.

Once she starts at college she will make loads of friends and you will never see her!

i think she will probably really like a timetable - just keep talking to her! she'll be as nervous as you..

We're on our 3rd au pair. The last one was fantastic with initiative, did the job and was a joy to have around. the new one is sweet, but not in the same league. I had to pop out the other evening to pick up DH and assumed baby would be in bed when I got back 3/4 hour later. He was playing with her in sitting room where I left them! You really need to spell things out sometimes.
Agree with timetable. Set a good baseline and you can deviate from it if you want to.

Geisha, a timetable seems a faff but it is the only answer.

Also why is she not cooking one of the meals? Why can she not just make herself some pasta?

Agree with the others, our rules always state that if she joins the family for a meal (and I cook it or pay for it in the case of takeaways) in non work time she helps the dc lay the table and clear up afterwards - even my 4 yr old puts his plate in the dishwasher.

I have a very detailed AP+ timetable (have had some really clueless APs) that I will email you if you CAT me.

Geisha I have a timetable and a list of house rules and do's and donts.

With Au Pairs you can safely assume they know nothing and then work round that if you have one who does show a bit of initiative !!

A timetable sounds very sensible - then the au pair will know what you expect of her, when her working/off hours are.

agreed one lie in. She is not your 3rd child to look after in terms of domestic chores. She should be mucking in even when DC's ahve gone to bed and its adult time.

Replied to you on the diet thread...fancy a new go at it ??

Also, one of the things that I struggled with getting to work was the fact that the AP works 35 hours a week. I felt initially that if I could not ask her to do anything more than that, including simple stuff like emptying the dishwasher or washing her own stuff up. The truth is that she does work 35 hours a week looking after DCs mainly, but outside of that, if I cook (which I do nearly every night) she helps with the clearing up. It's a deal.