Au pair not working out

I know it's difficult for some people to share a house with another 'adult' I have my second aupair now and am funding it hard. She is lovely, quiet, considerate, learns quickly, eats very little and spends fee time in her room until she starts college next week.

I have nothing to moan about but I know what you mean about feeling you have to look after someone else, especially with the cooking.
When there was no au pair i would sometimes say "right I'm only cooking chips and nuggets" etc but with her here I don't feel i can do that.

Could you get help that lives out?

Yes, I'll have her once you've trained her up!

Well done for setting a date to work until, also I always found that being really definite with them was by far the best way with most - so the timetable will work wonders. I also go through my weekly schedule with them and work alonside them for the first week.

Good luck

oh geisha well done......it is hard but surely the benefits of having someone who is actually a help outweigh the downsides at the moment?

You will find once she starts college it will change as she will meet other au pairs and will aquire a social life pretty quickly.

I dont have an aup pair the moment but Im only 30 mins south of brum so do shout if it is all abit suffocating.

I can assure you by Xmas she will be a star and we will all be very jealous and desp to take her off you !!

MP

Geisha, I sympathise with you. I had my first au pair in August, who was supposed to be here for 6 months but left after one week. I found it very intrusive and that it added to my workload, although your one does sound a bit better than mine who made no effort with my children. Even though my experience was a total disaster, I was very mindful that she was only 18 and I didn't want her to lose confidence or go home hating England, so I said some nice things to her when she left and said she could come back for a short visit any time. Good luck.

Geisha - where in the countr are you, can any of us with APs that leave the house put ours in touch with yours?

Do you know anyone in your area, who has children of a similar age to AP? Or other APs in the area? If she is young, I can see that she might not want to mooch round a town entirely on her own. We introduced our Silent Romanian to another au pair who lived near us, and this girl was great - dragged SR out with her in the evening, to church on Sunday, out for the day on Saturday. They also went out a few times with a neighbour's daughter who was in the sixth form, so only a year younger. Left to her own devices, I think SR would have spent her entire year with us either on her own in her room or glued to MTV and Cartoon Network. She was much too shy to do anything on her own, but having someone to do things with did wonders for her and improved her stay with us no end.

Just to add... that I did stress to my au pair that she had the use of a car and free fuel and should be out and about seeing England rather than shuffling round the house. She later admitted that this was the boot up the backside that she needed!
Of course, if the au pair thing is not for you then that is also fine and you might be much better without her.
I think everyone here is keen for you to give it a bit more time.
Mine worked out OK (never brilliant, but manageable)and she did help me alot ie. impromptu baby sitting so I could go out for a drink with DH to rant about her latest antics.

Just one thing Geisha, how old is your AP? It might well be the first time she has spent time away from home, she might be feeling a bit lost and lonely and settle down soon

oh dear Geisha not going well then......i do sympathise but you do have to give it time.

Can you not also see the positives of having someone in the house who can teach you too about a different culture ?

My husband works away a lot and I in actual fact some nights was happy to have someone to share a glass of wine with after a long day and I used to love hearing about different ways of raising children.

Dont give up too soon.....cat me for my home phone number if it would help to talk. I have had 5 au pairs from the absolutely fab to the just bloody awful!!!

MP

Sorry, haven't followed the complete thread of this so may be repeating stuff.
I would urge you to give this situation a couple more weeks.
Perhaps be more literal with your AP and say 'I am going out with the children today and you can do your own thing'.
It's never going to easy unfortunately but hopefully you can get some benefit out of her and get things working your way. You are her boss and she will look to you for instruction.

premise

Hi All
I agree with everything everyone else has said really....
The only thing is the discipline. I've always worked on the permise that the AP is the adult in charge when I'm at work and she needs to be able to discipline the dc's if necessary. I have a page in my handbook which explains exactly what is acceptable from the dc's and what not, how to warn them and when computer time etc should be removed. I have always sided with the AP if there's been a dispute, just to make it clear to the dc's (who are 7&8) that she is in charge. I've never had an incident where an AP has been too harsh. There is also a page that says the AP should never, smack, hit, push, shake etc etc and I go through this very carefully when they arrive.

One thing I explained to our aupair is that we don't eat in the evening on weekdays - my schedule is too scrambled to allow for that - so it was up to her to cook her own dinner, eat the children's leftovers, or prepare something she could reheat.

You absolutely need house rules and routines and to sit down with her and explain them. She needs briefing and briefing thoroughly.

Also we took a couple of days off work to help her to settle in and acclimatise. We introduce her to every 18-22 year old of our acquaintance and get them to take her out, enrol her in a college course, there's an aupair network website etc.

As for the intrusiveness, have you given her enough tools to enable her NOT to be intrusive? Does she have her own TV, computer to MSN her friends etc? Does she have her own bathroom or flatlet?

Sorry, that was my yesterdays 'International Talk Like a Pirate Day' name - not some random observation about my undergarments

Geisa, glad you could open it.

In my experience a timetable is a must so that there is no misunderstanding of what is expected from her, it did work really well for us.

Also, towards the end of our au pair being with us, she ended up eating with the kids at 5-6pm, and honestly it was quite good because making an extra portion is nothing at all, and also you get a bit of privacy back...

In any case before you send her home do remember why you got her in the first place, myself I did really need the help and I did see the difference when she left !

Good luck !

I spoke very sharply to one of DSs friends who said to his au pair 'come on, my servant' It struck me that he was probably giving this poor young girl the run around and that she was not reporting him to his parents because she was unsure of her position.

My new aupair arrived on monday and following a disasterous wednesday cleaning session I have now done her a day by day timetable of exactly what I want her to do right down to wiping the skirting boards. I then arranged for another turkish aupair to come over and explain it to her in turkish to make sure that she understands exactly what I want and apparently she is very happy with this. I came home yesterday to the most wonderful ironing I have ever seen and a nice clean house. My DH commented this morning as he got dressed " there's no way you ironed this shirt" Erm, no!

I really think that the timetable is a good idea. In terms of cooking, if I am cooking for all of us I cook for her and if I am going out or cannot be bothered to cook I make sure there is some fresh pasta or similar or else she knows that she is free to cook for herself.

Do not underestimate the childrens feelings toward the aupair. I never rated my old aupair, she was fine but I thought she was pretty crappy with the children but my 2 year old has spent the last week asking for her and looking for her. She really misses her.

Hi Geisha, I second the others in you giving it a bit more time. I am a live in nanny and like all situations of living with strangers it can take some getting used to each others ways. It seems to me that you are trying to hard to please which is ultimately negative in 2 ways. You are exhausting yourself and resenting it. You are also not giving your AP the structure she needs so she is prob at a loss as to what to do.

Def work on the time table and try and give yourself more me time with the kids. Also don't be afraid to speak your mind. I'm sure the ~AP would rather know that you want 'me' time with your children. That way she prob feels she is off the hook at having to hang around you to be sociable?? Also if you are upset or bothered it will show in your attitude and cause friction etc.

Just try and relax and see how it goes for a bit longer with clearer boundaries that suit you better - after all you did get an AP to help ease the load not add to it!! Good luck x

Couple of comments if I may (coming late to this thread), background, single dad second AP just arrived, first was with us jsut for the summer.

When AP1 arrived DCs were all over her for about a week and then as others have said it the novelty started to wear off and a sort of equilibrium was reached after two to three weeks.

As a single dad I initially felt very awkward having this extra person in the house, and really barely new what to say beyond talking about some very basic facts of what had happened that day (no doubt some MNers will say they this a common problem with men and not restricted to when they speak to APs) but again things improved as time got on.

With regards to discipline I have said that if in doubt they are to side with the kids (e.g. but dad always lets me ...) BUT to report any doubts to me and I will deal with them. They are very much to try and be the dcs friend - I see the relationship very much as big sister. AP1 came to me about four weeks in and apolgised that she had to raise her voice to ds1 that morning, she then described what had happened, given that I would have probably have been throttling him at that point I congratiulated her on dealing with it correctly and then went in search of ds1 who was already in shock and chastened at raised voice.

With regards to the weekend I have been very clear with both from the start that this is there time and that they should sleep in and use this time to get out and explore. That they are welcome to eat with us when we are eating or they can just help themselves from the kitchen. If we are going out somewhere that interest them they are welcome to join us but I don't expect it of them.

I think others have covered off timetable, but both have had a timetable as part of their welcome to the house routine. It is quite prescriptive which has lead to its own comedy moments when ds1 saw it and then a few days later refused to move towards the bathroom five minutes before the prescribed time in the evening.

The one thing I haven't seen on here (and I confess to having speed read it) is how have dcs reacted to her and what would they feel if she suddenly disappeared?