Au pair not working out

I would agree with Weegle - aupairs are young girls. Think of yourself at 18. They need absolute handholding, or you should assume they do.

Yes, the lack of common sense is not great. But again, I would say just mention it to her. When I was a new mother in hospital, I carried a really hot cup of tea and held it just over my dd. Another mother pointed out that if I splashed, it would get on my dd. That is me at 34 years' old and I like to think I have common sense. I NEVER did that again or anything close.

I have an aupair welcome pack that is packed with information for them from a detailed timetable, local info, to cleaning schedules to houserules. It is a bit OTT but I have about 50+ houserules, with an entire section on child safety including don't leave the children alone in the bath, don't let them go off with another person without checking with me first, put the brakes on the buggy if on a slope, watch them near water ... you geddit. Ok, I don't have the one about not giving boiling water to them ... I went through all the important ones with her on the first few days of 'induction'.

For my first ever aupair, in the month or so before she arrived, I spent it devising the houserules, thinking about how she would fit in, how to settle her in (including making friends and joining English lessons), what a typical day would be like. It was mental preparation for me and an exercise in lowering my expectations. Plus reading mn threads on aupair travails.

It could be that you did the same, and still feel under seige. It's ok, just help your aupair move on to another family sooner rather than later. I would think that families are still just about looking for Oct starts. You can expect demand to start falling off sharply soon after.

Tbh, dh nor I never really had issues with sharing our space with an aupair and dh was the one with concerns about privacy. It does sound like your aupair is doing your head in. I hope you manage to resolve this.

Ok the milk thing doesn't sound good as they do require common sense in order for you to trust them, but I'm still a little concerned your expectations aren't meeting the reality of what an actual AP is capable of. They aren't trained in childcare, they are just young people who may have some limited childcare experience through younger siblings or babysitting. Had you shown her how you heat your toddler's milk? Had you been through, "this is how we prepare her breakfast" etc. But to be honest I don't think it's going to work out because she's obviously not what you expected from an AP, and you're understandably having problems with her being in your space and I know from my last disastrous one, once I couldn't bear her being in my space that was it, I couldn't think outside of that. What does your DH think? Maybe it is time to start looking for another family for her if you don't think anything is going to change on how you feel? Good luck, it's such a difficult position to be in when it's your entire homelife affected.

Geisha, if I were you I would give up now.

The fact is you find it intrusive having someone else in your house. I don't think that will change however good the AP is.

Stop making yourself more stressed out and miserable. You've got alternatives haven't you from what you've said? Stop feeling guilty and sort it! I knew I could never have someone live in so never went down the AP route. No, no no.

Be strong!

Springer - I am the other side of Cambridge to you but I know my AP has linked up through facebook with a group of APs in the Cambridge area, happy to pass on your APs details if you CAT me.

Depends how she heated it. Perhaps the microwave was more powerful than she is used to. I'm not used to heating milk, and when looking after a friends baby superheated the milk instead of warming it. It wasn't a problem as I checked it first though.

does anybody live near the cambridge/bishops stortford area of the country. we have an au pair who is living in the house all the time and she doesn't seem to be able to go out and make friends. we have another two au pairs in our village but they were friends before she arrived and won't give her a look in. she is 23 and good in her own company. she goes out to language school two evenings per week but just concerned that she is going to get lonely

Hi geisha, space is a state of mind . Speaking to my aupair, she describes her aupair friends as living with families in houses of all kinds of sizes. We live relatively centrally in London in a 4-bedder but don't have masses of space and only one (!) bathroom, but we manage. The good thing about a smaller space is that if she and her friends decide to crash out on a weekend at one of their houses, they tend to go to the bigger one - something to look out for but can be dealt with in houserules.

As for your dd 4.5 kicking off, my dd is 5 and had a very uncharacteristic paddy twice in the school playground at pick up time within the first week, when my new aupair went to pick her up. The first was ostensibly because dd mislaid her cardigan and the second was because ... I forgot, some minor thing. Dd also wet herself 3 times despite being dry for ages and ages. I put it down to starting Reception with a new uniform and perhaps the new aupair. But that was all sorted within the first week and things have calmed down alot.

There will be the usual pressure points (eg your dd forcing a playdate, or not wanting to do homework, or eating naughty things etc etc) which you will slowly work through with your aupair, as you have done. After a few of these incidents, which are actually finite, she will get the gist and know how to respond. As it is, she cannot read your mind. Each family is different.

In fact, unlike others on this thread, I don't require my aupair to do much discipline (ie only dh and I have the power to come down hard). But I do tell my aupair that dd is not allowed to be rude to her and she is entitled to refuse to do anything for dd that dd does not ask for in a nice voice and politely. I also told her not to take things personally if dcs are rude or difficult with her, because dcs are in the ordinary course of things occasionally rude and difficult at home to dh and I.

In time, I find that both dcs behave better with the aupairs and at school than to dh and I at home - which is just an expected characteristic of their personalities. Heck, we try not to take it personally!

No my lovely, I am not just disorganised busy and my pc opens automatically on Talk, so have popped in here once or twice!

I will mail back today, I promise x

As long as there is a room for the AP geisha, your house is big enough

Well, we have a 3 bed flat, same level, not even up and down, so definitely not big enough for an AP. We were OK having my parents over, usually one at a time, but we knew they were for short periods of time, and it's different anyway, they look after us, not the other way round. I'd think a 4 bed detached house is big enough, though.

I was wondering what kind of fitness regime you'd set your AP and she wasn't working out I hope things improve for you. We haven't got the space for an AP but I'd also worry about the extra responsibility. I hope it gets better long before Christmas.

geisha.. everything blueshoes says is right... it is impossible to keep up being extremely nice to a live in AP for a year. She is there to help you or there is no point to having an AP. Make it clear what you want and how you want to done now.

Marmaduke! you ignoring my email!!!????!!!! x

geisha, when you say you are nice (which is great), could you be too nice? Dh and I are on our second aupair. I would say that we treat her like a member of the family, but not a guest. So she is expected to muck in eg she takes turn to wash up dishes, tidy up the house and entertain the children, even if it is outside her strict work hours, so long as she is in the house.

I make this clear in the houserules. In my mind, I am not her skivvy (nor is she mine).

Of course, this does not happen when she is out of the house, which gives her an incentive to get out every now and then.

And whilst we ask her about her day, weekend and let her know our plans, we don't make a particular effort on a day-to-day basis to make conversation with her. If she is having dinner with us or chooses to stay around the living room with us in the evenings, dh and I have our catch-ups without necessarily including her. She is free to listen and pipe up, but it is quite an easy and casual relationship. As a result, we don't really notice or mind if she is there. It is up to her. I also prefer to maintain a slight professional reserve whilst being friendly (ie I don't overly confide in her or encourage vice versa on the basis we respect her privacy as well), as ever so often, I will have to tell her she did not clean the sink thoroughly or she missed that out and show her how to do things.

Yes, once she has friends, she will prefer to go out anyway . We make ourselves slightly boring.

Lovely offer but a) I'm miles away from you and b) we have a veto on French (and Italian) APs

Hi geisha, been following this thread, sorry to hear you are still finding it hard.

Did your neighbour tell you why dd1 was upset? Hope she is ok.

geisha, some people just can't stand to have someone live in, no matter how wonderful they are.

not at the moment as I have avery expensive live in nanny but in due course we will go back to an au pair but probably not for a year