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Original poster

Au pair not working out

135 replies

geisha · 19/09/2008 08:01

Having our first au pair is not workingout for me. I find it intrusive having someone else in the house and stressful having to consider someone else (I did't think I would). She is nice enough - some small inadequecies but to be honest if I wanted her to stay I would work at addressing those issues so it is unfair to list them. I just feel like I have another child to consider/cook for/worry about..... and don't need it.

She has only been here since Saturday but already I know it is not for me..... I will of course pay for her flight home and give her reasonable notice but please give me some advice about how to address this and when? Thanks.....

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Original poster
geisha · 03/10/2008 21:07

englishspringer - mine doesn't drive. Do you need a driver?

OP posts:
englishspringer · 02/10/2008 21:38

the prob with our one is that she is lonely - we have lots of AP's in our town but she doesn't like them because they are German - so she sits by herself in her room and doesn't ever talk - very convinced she is going to go home so kinda want to pre empt it and get another one in and let her go. she only has to do 15 hours per week - no childcare just taxi driver.
first 'miserable' one we have had - i think she might top herself

googgly · 02/10/2008 21:11

I'm looking for a French au pair, but not yours thanks, she sounds like a nightmare

We've had 4, 2 great and 2 who I have just loathed having in the house. 1 was so nice I genuinely preferred having her here to not having her, and was very sad when she went. The last one has been appalling, and am gritting my teeth through the final week. She's quite sensible really with the children, but just socially impossible.

englishspringer · 02/10/2008 20:53

i would be interested in your au pair - our current one is leaving in a few weeks. we live near saffron walden

Original poster
geisha · 02/10/2008 19:58

pHRAEDD - she is nice enough. fairly quiet and not bursting with confidence but not needy either. she would want to go for english lessons but as she is under 19 and an eu citizen these are free. I will email you now.

OP posts:
phraedd · 02/10/2008 17:32

hi geisha

my email address is: [email protected]

I know that you're not happy but overall, is your au pair a nice enough person?

fallingstandards · 01/10/2008 22:10

Hi HarrietTheSpy...well I used an agency in London that somehow used to produce really good candidates - we almost never had a "miss" once we started using them (QuickHelp Agency)(but we don't live in London ourselves). They used to give me a choice of ONE! At first I used to say "Why can't you give me a few and let me choose?" and they used to say "Because you pay us to find you the right person and this is the one we think is right for you!" and usually they were spot on. The phone interview only really gives you a hint as to personality. I think you have to accept that all you can do after that is to give it a fair trial. On the whole, the ones who had a good social life at home were the ones who got the most out of it in the UK and just got on best all round, so that is my best tip. The sporty ones definitely settled in faster! Once I found a really good agency I stuck with them for several years gratefully!!

HarrietTheSpy · 01/10/2008 13:21

Fallingstandards
Wow- are you the most experienced person here re au pairs or what?!

Please share some of your top recruitment tips, when it's only possible to do telephone interviews before someone is coming from miles away.

Pretty please .

fallingstandards · 30/09/2008 21:53

Poor Geisha, I have been through something similar. My kids are all teens now but we had au pairs for 16 years and in that time got through over 20 of them, including one who stayed for 3 and a half years. Some were summer AP's and some for longer. I always knew within 2 weeks whether it was going to work or not and found the best thing was to be honest and get rid if it was not going to work, to avoid stressing out the kids (and me!!). Sharing your home with the right au pair is a fantastically rewarding experience. We still see some of ours year in and year out for holidays/weddings etc and love them like family members, but the ones that didn't work caused untold stress till off the premises! You know if it is right or not, so don't beat yourself up, as long as you are as kind as possible to the youngster who will always be a novice in the role no matter how experienced you become at the process! I hope you try again, because it can be huge fun having a bright, interested young person from another country to join the family - honest!!

Original poster
geisha · 30/09/2008 21:16

praedd - ok. Well I guess you've read most of the thread which gives you my assessment. If you are interested, perhaps you could CAT me your email details and I will ask her to get in touch? Also if you have any further questions you would like to ask please CAT.

OP posts:
phraedd · 30/09/2008 20:31

Herts (St Albans)

Our current au pair was just here for her summer semester and is going home to return to uni. She has been here for 8 weeks and has made several au pair friends.

Original poster
geisha · 30/09/2008 18:18

phraeed - her english is moderately good. Yes she would be available for interview - where abouts are you?

OP posts:
phraedd · 30/09/2008 15:16

we may be looking for a new au pair as ours goes back to germay in a couple of weeks.

Geisha: How well does your au pair speak english and would she be available for an interview at some piont in the next couple of weeks?

Simply · 29/09/2008 22:47

phraedd She is French.

geisha Sorry, we're fixed up with an ap for the next 5 months or so. I'm sure you'll be able to help her find another family. Even just on MN it seems that someone or other is looking for an ap every month or so.

phraedd · 29/09/2008 21:05

what nationality is she?

Original poster
geisha · 29/09/2008 19:36

As mentioned it's really a non-starter but had things worked out the ap would have been required to look after dd1 (4.5) from 07.30 (give breakfast and walk to school. She would never have needed to look after dd2 (2.5) alone who is in ft nursery taken and fetched by me. Anyway i have explained to ap things are not really working for us and am supporting her to find another family. she would be perfect for a family perhaps where one parent is based at home for some background support.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 29/09/2008 18:27

ingles2, . I am a relative aupair novice on my second only.

ingles2 · 29/09/2008 10:56

Once again blueshoes is right Geisha.
Really you ned to go with your gut instinct and be able to go to work happy that your AP can cope. That said an 18yr old is very young to have sole care of a 2.5 year old.
So what'll happen when you go to work tomorrow? Are you going to leave her in charge?

blueshoes · 29/09/2008 10:04

Hi geisha, 'I am starting a new job tomorrow so can't just drop things when something goes wrong with the kids so I can't take the risk of allowing her to have the kids.'. If you cannot trust your aupair enough to leave her with the children by the time you start work, it is a non-starter. You have to get rid - as you say, it is expensive to pay someone to do very little and take up space in your house.

How much sole charge is your aupair expected to have with your 4.5 and 2.5 year old? I assume the 4.5 year old is in school, so it is really the afterschool time. The issue is your 2.5 year old. My 2 year old ds goes to fulltime nursery, and my aupair (19 years' old) has sole charge in the morning for about 30 minutes after I leave for work and before she drops him off at nursery. But she has proved herself to be reliable and sensible and I am happy to leave her with sole charge of my dd 5 and ds 2 for up to 3-4 hours but not anything more because my 2 dcs are exhausting.

I don't think age is necessarily a factor (lots of aupair threads will testify to that). It depends on the person herself. Lots of ditsy 30+ year olds around, along with sensible teenagers and 20+.

Original poster
geisha · 28/09/2008 20:41

thanks for your opinion cuddles - not hugely helpful to me now though

OP posts:
cuddlesrus · 28/09/2008 08:07

sorry, I think taking on someone of 18 who has very little experience is asking for trouble

Original poster
geisha · 28/09/2008 07:27

After what I described as a difficult week, I spoke to ap yesterday to find out how she was feeling. She likes having a timetable (so thanks to mnettrs for suggesting that ) but feels as though she is not doing things correctly - which is true. The issue is 2-fold - firstly I only had a week set aside to show her how we do things and maybe she needed longer. Second she is only 18 and has probably never had to clean her own place, or look after children (even though I chose her on the basis she has 3 younger brother who she said she helps to look after). I must say that I am not find her presence as intrusive now I am more used to it. Anyway - we have agreed we will see how this week goes, but I have pointed out that I am paying £80 per week for her to vacuum 3 times and do a couple of hours of kids ironing as I can't leave her with the kids so its working out kind of expensive. I am starting a new job tomorrow so can't just drop things when something goes wrong with the kids so I can't take the risk of allowing her to have the kids. Thanks for all the advice mnetters.

OP posts:
ingles2 · 24/09/2008 10:58

I agree with Weegle and blueshoes, Geisha. It sounds like you are having real issues adapting to someone living in your house and therefore you just can't help but find problems. It is not an easy or cheap option having an AP, so if you have another childcare route I would look into that. Really feel for you..
I'm lucky in that I'm freelance so have always made sure I take a week of with a new AP. That way I just get the AP to follow me around for a couple of days seeing exactly how I want thigs done. Then I spend a couple of days following her around, supporting and checking they understand. I also keep up a running commentary,..like you must make sure the handbrake is on when you stop at the gate,...check the seatbelts before you drive off etc etc
The best way IMO, is to assume your AP knows absolutely nothing about anything childcare/safety/hygiene related, just as we didn't at that age.

blueshoes · 24/09/2008 09:42

Harriet, good point about the so-so English. I have to say I look for aupairs with reasonably good English (western European, Nordic), so I can rely on them to read my schedules etc and take instructions on the phone. That is because I am out of the house for most of the day until 4 pm.

If I was at home more, I would have time to actually physically show the ropes, but I don't. So I try not to faff around with poor English.

HarrietTheSpy · 24/09/2008 09:39

Blueshoes
Your list sounds great. I'm just wondering how does it work with au pairs whose English is so so? DO you just sit down and go through point by point to make sure it's clear?