Feeling guilty about my baby being a childcare kid

There will always be guilt there no matter what you do. Stay at home mum - feel guilty you're not financially contributing. Working mum - feel guilty about leaving them in daycare etc. With 4 kids i've done a mix of it all and can honestly say im much better as a working mum with them in a great daycare. They do all the arts and crafts i hate doing, they eat a wide variety of foods and are more likey to try things as the other kids are. They try to keep up with their peers so it can aide their development. And you have trained professionals there to monitor if they notice anything that might need to be worked on. As long as its 50/50 at home with housework, cooking etc so you get to spend quality time with your child, you will all be fine in your beautiful new house!

Don't worry about it. My ds is an only and he loved going to the child minder from day 1. Play mates and a whole new set of toys. 😊 The same when he was at primary school and went to ASC. They became his little "tribe" and they all used to tear around the playing field together.

When I collected him, he was ready to slow down, have supper & quiet time with me.

It suited him perfectly as a child. Now he's a huge 18yo and we are still very close.

ETA our childminder was brilliant. With 26 years experience, she used to be the ofsted supervisor for childminders locally. She was absolutely the best support I could have asked for. We're still friends 16 years later.

Honestly, I think you’re feeling guilty because you know there is a choice here.

You don’t actually have to send your baby to childcare. From what you’ve written, the reason you need the full-time salary is primarily to get the bigger house you want. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting that house, but it is a want, not a need.

Your baby needs you far more than they need a playroom, bigger bedrooms or an annexe.
Personally, I’d keep the smaller house and prioritise being with my child for those first few years. You can buy the bigger house when they’re 3+. You can’t get the first three years back.

I’d also question the assumption that an “early years setting” is inherently good developmentally. Babies don’t need nursery to socialise or become independent. Erica Komisar’s work on the importance of the first three years is worth reading if you’re genuinely conflicted about this.

If you really want to work, that’s completely different. But if you’re working primarily so you can have a nicer house, I think it’s worth being honest about the trade-off rather than trying to convince yourself your baby is gaining something developmentally from childcare that they wouldn’t get at home with you.

You don’t have to make your child a childcare kid if you don’t want to.

My first born had a parent at home with them until 3, my second born was in childcare from when my maternity leave was up at 1.

There are no notable differences between them in terms of attachment to us, emotional regulation, smarts, sociability etc. The only thing I might be able to pull out is my second born is more independent (but not uncommon for a younger sibling) and spoke earlier and more words (but also not uncommon for a younger sibling).

As long as you find a childcare setting that makes you feel secure I think you are good. And I would go on how the people make you feel rather than the look and branding From the outside my daughters nursery wasn't as fancy or didn't have as big an outdoor space as some of the large chains but the people there I really got a good feeling about. And I felt they had that energy with the young children everyday in their activities and their play.

I agree, assistants make a huge amount of difference. It turns it into a hybrid in effect - a small nursery with much better ratios.

Nursery all the time for me. More reliable, nursery rarely cancel, don't finish early (because of a dental appointment and so on). A good mix of children and activities. I have used nursery, wrap-around and childminder. I didn't like being reliant on building a relationship with one person. To be fair I think I was lucky with good nursery experience but had poor childminder experience. I worked full time and do still feel a bit gulity, but more to do with the school pick-up childminder era. I wish I had rearranged my job sooner (I did at year 3). Bottom line I needed my children to be safe but for me I needed a level of professionalism which I just didn't get from childminders.

Mine only did one small school runs run by an assistant, so mine never got taken along. It operated like a micro nursery, but with a very personal feel.

It felt like leaving them with a big happy family than strangers. For a later child (cm not available) we did use nursery and it was an excellent one, but still didn't come close to the CM in terms of sheer love and care they could give. For a younger child, where building up that relationship is everything, I'd definitely prefer a CM. But it had to be a good one, and there lies the difficulty.

We chose to put our child in full time childcare from 10 months. We both love our jobs and wanted our child to have a more affluent childhood than we both had ( both grew up in poverty).
We chose an excellent nursery and were fortunate enough to have very flexible/senior jobs which meant we could do early pick ups etc.
DS is a sociable, independent young man about to start secondary school. He still talks fondly about his ‘first school’ and has just told me he’s getting the school bus this morning with two people he’s not seen since nursery. Which is cute.
We have zero regrets. We all do what’s best for our families.

It isn't a popular opinion on Mumsnet but nursery every time for me. It's always sensible to get a feel for your area as it can obviously vary greatly but I wasn't impressed with any childminders I saw and ultimately, just didn't feel comfortable leaving my young baby with any.

It’s not necessarily a nicer environment, yes there are some great ones but some who are absolutely crap, kids strapped in buggies for hours a day marched round on school runs or left to play in small rooms while the CM plays on her phone or chats to her mates. It’s also very very difficult to truly know how good the CM is as obviously they’ll be putting on their best front when you visit.

A good nursery can be a great for kids.

It’s hard isn’t it?
Great to have the 9-day fortnight though.
I was you (but had to go back full time.)
As tough as it is, I’m glad I built the career I did, also as it has given me a bit of flexibility to do less now they’re teenagers when they really need you. (With teenagers it’s headspace you need to help with their problems when they need you.)
The money you put in your pension now has longer to grow as well.
Take half days, use parental leave (you get 18 weeks before the child is 18. So 1 week gives you 10 half days of annual leave to spend with baby…)

Which I do think is a better balance overall. Yes, both parents are away from the child during the week but it does mean both are then back at decent times to be able to both spend quality time with DC.

Both parents are important and it is good for DC to have that quality time with both, not just one parent getting all or the majority of the quality time and the other parent working all hours under the sun and not getting home until after bedtime which is often how it goes.

It's definitely worth pursuing the other childminder. I think it's a much nicer environment for little ones than a nursery.

We had similar (with assistants) and it was blissful, and she was genuinely like extended family.

What did the childminder do that made you feel miserable?

Your DH can make a flexible working request too. Or, if he’s not fussed about spending time with his child, work extra hours to allow you more time off. Except that will make you vulnerable, which would ultimately be bad for your child.

Children can be perfectly well adjusted spending three days a week in childcare, especially if both parents are around every evening and weekend.

would you consider a nursery as an alternative option? Both my DCs thrived in nursery. DS is now 20 and DD is 18. The really notable thing is some of their best friends now are those they met at nursery as babies. They went to nursery, primary, then secondary school together . That’s quite a wonderful thing imo. They’re all doing really well now

I’m a SAHM but if it helps we have literally 0 family support so me being back in work would have meant losing most of my wage on childcare anyway. And would have meant them being in a childcare environment full time. It’s actually a nice balance that you have two grandmothers helping out so much and your baby will end up with a lovely relationship with them ❤️