Do I just grin and bear this? Is there another way around it? Feel very unhappy.

I'd talk about the smoking, definitely. I might mention the food - if you are prepared to send him with the food you do want him to eat. The rest I would let go, because I don't think you can put a price on that sort of care.

You have to remember, this woman is 20 or 30 years older than you. She can't carry a toddler around all day. She can't catch him if he runs off - she may not be strong or agile enough for the above. But this doesn't make her a bad child carer, and he is in probably the best situation he could be - the focus of an adoring, mostly competent and well meaning relative. Anywhere else and he will be someone's means of income - harsh but true.

buy her an outward inward facing buggy

Having family look after your DC's almost always invloved a larger degree of compromise than with paid for childcarers.

I followed a lot of the AP principles when I first had DS as he was adopted and need to attach to me as soon as possible.

My own views based on rasiing as child who needs to be attached far more than your average child is...

• sling vs outward facing buggy: either buy her an outward facing buggy or accept the reins (reinds aren't prohibited by any AP rules I know, just that you don't like them). Your DS should be well enough attached by 14 months for buggy vs sling to not have that big an impact - and if he isn;t you have bigger problems than your MIL!

• juice tinned food etc: you need to tell MIL what food you don't want him to have and why eg too much salt in tinned beans and sausage, juice bad for his teeth (watered down should be OK though), not sure why you object to Organix but tell her the reason. Or tell her he can have a pcaket once a week or something.

• disposable nappies: her choice, won't impact your DS at all.

• NO: nothing wrong with saying No perhaps you could persuade her to quieten it down if you think she sounds quite agressive and why not agree with her what behaviours are unacceptable so that you can be consitent. Stress the consistency thing and say there's no point you both having a different set of rules as it will confuse him.

• sugary tea: if its just a mouthful it won;t do him any harm. I used to have a fit when my mum did it but tbh it hasn;t really been an issue. If more than a mouthful stress the sugar/teeth thing again.

• smoking: zero tolerance in my book.

The fewer of the above you can raise with her the bigger effect saying no to the last one will have IME.

How long has she been looking after him?

oh and nappies- I'd let it go. My mum is young, works full time, perfectly able to look after my 3, yes she always made a cock up with reusable nappies, so I just let her get on with disposables. Weird really since I would have been in terries.

I think the smoking thing is a massive no. That would really upset me.

The food thing doesn't sound too bad IMHO. Actually, I'm quite impressed she gets Organix crisps - my mum would shove Wotsits down my LOs throats given the chance

As for the reins/buggy thing, you could take a positive stance on it - reins allow him some freedom to explore safety. As long as she is not using it as a lead to control him, but it allows him to lead her within reason. The outward facing buggy would probably stimulate him more, and he'll be more aware of the environment around him, rather than just her face.

Truth is, to me who has no family close by and that I do have doesn't give a damn, she sounds like a marvel and perhaps you could cut her a bit of slack? Obviously you have, as is your perogative, given careful thought and made your decisions, which she obviously respects, but DS has a lot to gain from this relationship.

But tackle the smoking. Good luck

Smoking and tea I would ask her to change.

14 month old in a sling? My back couldn't cope with it so not surprised she's ditched that. If you want a backwards facing pushchair buy it but I think at 14 months baby's like to nose at what's going on around them.

Food- if you want something different provide a packed lunch.

Reins- you might be able to control him, perhaps she doesn't feel safe not having him in reins. DH refuses to put ds1 (severely autistic) on his belt (rein type thing but he's 9 so bigger and a bit more discreet) - but then he also refuses to take him to a shop because he's scared he'll run off (he probably would). If she feels she needs reins to keep him safe then I think that's fair enough really.

You need to pick your battles and personally, I can understand why a granny would use disposables over reusables.
It sounds like she loves her grandson and you can't buy love from a childminder...

I wouldn't be happy about the smoking or the tea
(tea inhibits iron absorption) or the nappies
What is her issue with the reusables?

The buggy and the reins wouldn't matter to me
My parents are happier with the LOs on reins as they are worried about losing them
I don't think either will have a damaging effect

def confront her on the smoking issue. Re: the reins, I can't see it's massive problem if he hates the buggy. I wouldn't want to carry a 14mo in a sling all the time (ouch!) and DS would be incredibly bored in a rear-facing buggy (he's 20 mo and has been forward-fcing since about 3 mo).

Re: the food, I don't think it's that bad tbh but if he's eating a lot of stuff you don't like have a quiet word.

Deal with the one thing that's affecting his health (the smoking) and if you can sort that, let the rest go or deal with them more tactfully.

I agree that you have to pick your battles, and if you aren't happy with what she's doing, then you have to look for another caregiver, whether that be nursery or a childminder.

I'm happy to carry my DS (who is 2) in a sling, but no one else apart from DH is - so we have a rear facing pushchair for occasions when others want to take him out. Can you buy one for her to use ?
DS does have reins as he's very fast to run off to see things, and I don't see the problem if they aren't used all the time and he has the freedom to run around in the park etc.

Best thing to do (IMO) would be to sit down with her and establish some ground rules and discuss what she does with him.

I agree completely with COV

The smoking thing is the only one that's a real biggy imho. Get that sorted straight away...

If you gently mention the foods you don't approve of, I'm sure she'd be happy to comply with your wishes. She maybe didn't know you'd find them so bad.

I couldn't carry my 14 mo round in a sling. She weighs a tonne. Your poor MIL if you insist she does!

Don't understand the prob with an outward facing pushchair or reins, sorry. They're just modes of transport!!

The disposable nappies thing - again, have you had a word and supplied her with all the stuff she needs for the alternative?

I would(tactfully) put my foot down over the food and smoking issues, however the buggy vs sling and reins, I think you have to let slide. I agree that your MIL (certainly mine or my own mother) may not be agile enough to dart around after a toddler so fels more secure with the reins, and likewise not being able to carry a heavy baby in a sling.

Agreed, smoking around kids is not on, ever, and I would definitely confront her on it. Missed that in my last post.

So is it mostly the reigns you're upset about? because I know opinion is divided but personally if I was minding someone's precious child and they were unhappy in the buggy, I'd definitely want reigns on them. How on earth would she feel if he darted across the road and got killed, in her care? she'd never forgive herself.

And maybe she can't manage with him in the sling, my lo is 10 months but there's no way I could carry him in a sling all day, kudos to you if you can! Don't babies at 14 m prefer to be seeing outwards in the pushchair at other babies and the surroundings rather than just at one persons face? My lo loves waving at other kids.

A few baby crisps and sips of tea won't do him any harm if he's eating a good diet generally. The most important thing is she loves him like her own, and you can't put a price on it.

Just speak to her politely if you really dislike something she's doing, like the shouting "no"- I think that's worse than disposable nappies etc, but I think you need to pick your battles. I think she's coming from a good place with the reigns, and if she feels she needs them, imho you should let it go. Try not to get too stressed over it all. Your lo is lucky to have both of you to look after him and love him, in your own individual ways.

The smoking I would confront her about.

The reins I wouldn't. Irrespective of your feelings on the subject, if they are not to be stuck in the house all the time, he needs to be safe, and MIL needs to feel he is safe when walking with him, and if she needs reins to do that I personally think you have to live with that. What would you do - carry him? I am thinking that may not be an option for her?