Do I just grin and bear this? Is there another way around it? Feel very unhappy.

What do you think you could ask her to do if you paid her though? You couldn't ask her to use a sling if you paid her. I don't think you could ask her not to use reins if you paid her (if she feels they're needed for safety). I don't think you could insist she uses washables if you paid her.

You could maybe have more say over food (if you provided it).

But if she's caring for him in her own home she would have to become a childminder and get registered and go on courses and be ofsted inspected. I suspect she'd tell you to forget it!

You see even if you were paying someone I don't think you could dictate that they use a sling for a 14 month old (if you were paying me and asked me to use a sling I'd say no- I've put all my young babies in slings, but not at 14 months- I find it too uncomfortanble - and I'll happily march across the moors for hours with a rucksack on my back- but a 14 month old .....no).

Nappies - some nurseries/childminders let you use reusables, some don't - and you either choose or not to use their service depending on how important it is to you.

Reins- this was my point earlier- you might think he's safe without them, but if she doesn't feel that he is and you ban reins. Then what? Does he stay inside all day. I think any nursery/childminder would dictate that sort of safety thing really and if they felt reins were needed would use them. Personally I'd rather my child was in reins than squaking to get out of a buggy (and hats off to your MIL- it's is far easier to push a moaning child in a buggy than walk at a snail's speed with reins.

The 'no' thing. if he's happy to see her I doubt it' s registering.

I personally think children do really well brought up by people who have different rules/ways of doing things. Do ensure that someone's practices are safe (so eg complain about the smoking). But if they are then I think you need to leave them to get on with it really. If her way is too far out of kilter with yours then you have the choice to look after him yourself or move him, but I think you will struggle to find someone to do exactly what you want with the above list unless you employ a nanny (and they cna bring their own ideas as well!)

d'oh,x-posts.

defo have a word about the smoking.it sounds like she is creeping towards smoking in the house with him there which is not on whatsoever.

when you say 'smokes around him',do you mean in the house or outside?is she able to leave him in a safe place and go to smoke outside,away from him?

agree with everyone else re.the reins/buggy issue(although,as you know,dd3 has been forward-facing since birth).

what really matters is that she loves him.as others ahve said,you cant put a price on that.

I can't really add much to what other people have said here.

The only way that you could get any other form of childcare where they followed all of your requirements would be a nanny as Cms and nurseries have other children to look after and whilst they could accomodate a lot of what you are looking for, they too may want to use reins when out for a walk due to multiple children and may feed a diet which is less than ideal.

PMSL Effie - 'reigns' grates on my nerves as well but I never have the guts to say so.

I think you need to think carefully about how you can show your MIL what a terrific job she's doing for free, rather than whinge on here about so much.
As far as I'm concerned, if you ask her to look after your child, then she HAS to use her ways to the best of her ability.

Seriously - if I were your MIL, and you sat me down with this list - I think I'd slot you one!

I seriously agree with Twigletts post.

I'm going now before I say somthing I'd really regret.

Aaaarrhhhhggggggggg

not just you RB!

OK, that's me told off! [blush}

You've had lots of good advice here - picking your battles being at the root of it all. The only thing you have reasonable cause to complain about is the smoking, and thta's the battle you should pick.

pedant alert, but REINS

I am getting zaps to the head every time I see 'reigns'...

not important in the grand plan I realise

The smoking thing is not on at all, but the reigns are for the safety of the child.
My 2 dds have had reigns as it was either that or stay in a pushchair as they would run all over the place and our pavements here are very narrow with no room for error.
We've used reigns whilst walking in Snowdonia and it enabled our 2yr old to climb almost to the top of Snowdon without falling smack onto the rocks!
Reigns do not mean the child will look like a dog, it means safety!

In my experience 14month olds hate facing you in a buggy. They want to see the world!

surely 'attachment parenting' demands the parent is the main carer and not another person

I'm sure you are upset but I really don't think you can dictate to that nature that a child should be reared in such an incredibly time-consuming way to someone who doesn't actually buy into it that much

The stuff your MIL is doing is no doubt the stuff she did with her own babies and she loves him

I'd be grateful and I'd pick my battles .. the ones I could win .. like the smoking (no-brainer) and possibly the food (although that'll be tricky I imagine)

Looking after someone else's child is a massive responsibility. If your mil needs the reassurance of using reins to keep your child safe then I wouldn't say anything. As for the buggy, why don't you provide her with a rear facing one, with the suggestion that he might be happier if he can see her.
I'd provide food too if you're not happy with what she gives him.
It's the smoking that would be my main greivance here, I think it's totally unacceptable to smoke around children.
I think you need to have a chat with her, but I wouldn't bring all the problems up at once or she'll feel like she's being critisised too much.

agree smoking is a no no!!

she should be able to respect your wishes with this!!!

i wouldnt carry a 14mth old in sling, buggy or reins or holding hands

have to say outward buggies are nicer for the child to see new people/views/dogs etc

child can see your face anytime

drinking sugary tea - WTF?

nappies and food should be your choice

unfort as mil is doing out of love and not for money, then you have to decide is it a big enough problem to think about using paid childcare

Of course smoking is unacceptable, but I honestly don't think you will find childcare that will fulfil all your needs as described above, unless you were to find a nanny who really got what you wanted. Certainly no childminder or nursery would be able to do it

I would sacrifice a whole lot more than what you have listed in return for (almost) free childcare -- except the smoking. At least she is not feeding him snack a jacks.

Regarding the reigns, my number one rule of parenting is "safety First!" It comes before freedom. It comes before education. And it comes before the child's happiness (within reason). If those reigns keep your DS safe, then I think asking her not to use them would be very unwise. Likewise, if my toddler does not want to wear a seatbelt too bad it keeps him safe and he will wear it or I will stop the car.

Free childcare... we should all be so luck!!

Smoking - needs to be dealt with.

The food and tea is something I would consider discussing with her, depending on how often/how long she has him.

Don't have a problem with him being told no, obviously it doesn't need to be shouted.

You have to proceed carefully, and given the circumstances - and the fact that she obviously adores him - then you have to accept that she will do some things her way, to a degree. He is her grandson, as well as providing you with virtually free childcare.

If you're not happy with this, then you need to reconsider the childcare.

I'm not sure that the food and nappy issues go hand in hand with an AP approach. It's probably fair to say that a lot of AP parents do use re-usables and do make their own (organic) food, but I think that is more reflective of a general approach to life than it being more or less "AP". I would see if you can negotiate on these if it upsets you - maybe she just puts the dirty reusables in a bucket for you to take home, or you provide more of the food? Both could be a convenience thing - no way would my mother contemplate using reusables when looking after either of mine, so I didn't push the issue. But I don't think doing these things makes her less "AP"-like, if that's your concern.

You are totally entitled to challenge her on the smoking. That's a big no as far as I'm concerned and I wouldn't want anyone looking after my children to smoke while doing so.

The reins and the buggy I can understand, though I can see why you are upset. But if she's older, the sling might be uncomfortable. The reins I'm sure are a generational thing - we all had reins, and you don't see them very often (probably because children stay in buggies until they are much older...) but if she's anxious about safety you may have to concede that point. How long does he spend in the buggy? If it's only brief spells, I wouldn't make a big deal over it.

With the "no" - I struggle with this because although I would say I have a broadly AP approach to things I do think "no" has a place. Depends how loudly you shout, and why you're shouting, but I don't think that an AP mindset means letting your children do what they like. They do need guidance and "no" is a handy short hand for "stop doing that right now and I'll explain to you why I don't want you to do it when you've stopped".

Apart from the smoking, and possibly the "no" thing, these all sound minor and/or negotiable to me. If you're happy with her approach apart from that (and it sounds like you are), I think you may have to learn to live with them - I doubt you'd find alternative childcare that met your criteria, apart from possibly a nanny. The love and affection and one-to-one care in my view outweighs the negatives.

But, if you're going to continue with the arrangements as they stand you absolutely need to make sure that you are dealing with these issues as they arise rather than letting them fester, or hitting her with a long "shopping list" of requests and complaints all in one go as then she'll feel like you've got hundreds of complaints. How long has she been looking after your son? Could you suggest a regular time to have a catch up about arrangements and so on, which you can both use as an opportunity to discuss what is and isn't working (focusing on the good stuff as well as the bad?). Bit formal, but might work.

also try to imagine any childcare that will treat your child exactly as you do... not going to happen.

smoking is my non negotiable. I even refuse my mum having my kids to hers and she adores them.
you should be able to control his diet, she should offer him what you provide. The odd treat as agreed.
the reins. I hate them end of but if she needs them I'm not sure you can argue... And pushchair... Ds2 faces outwards now despite having chance to face in which he now hates. He was not AP but very close sling carried bf on demand etc

The no thing aaarggghhh am asking DP atm to desist.
as they grow they learn different carers have different ways.

I would advise pick the issues you care most about and battle/compromise those first?