Do I just grin and bear this? Is there another way around it? Feel very unhappy.

i think that deep down you want to look after him yourself,but dh isnt allowing you to.

i think you need to do a bit of soul-searchingmaybe start a relationsips thread,and figure out whether your marriage is worth fighting for.

one thing i will say though is that you will not get this time back with ds,and if you are unhappy then you may need to make changes.

Hi RTP, just to add my two-penneth...

You mentioned a whole list of stuff that she does...
Giving him juice / tinned baked beans & sausage / "baby" crisps (you know those "Organix" ones) etc to eat
Putting him in disposable nappies
Shouting "NO!" at him very loudly over spurious "misbehaviours" (he is 14 m/o)
Give him sugary tea from her cup
Smoking near him (I always knew she smoked but had assumed she would do it away from him)

How do you know that she is doing most of this, unless she is doing it in front of you? If she is, then perhaps that is the time to bring things up on a case by case basis rather than storing it all up to be "things needing to be discussed".

I can understand that you have a dislike of the reins, but if MIL doesn't feel that ds is safe without them, then it looks like you may need to relent on that one. For waht it's worth, I'd say that the main one to focus on is the smoking - but you know that already .

Hi RTP. Thought Id bring my own comments onto your thread. Firstly I really feel for you and your current situation. Your husband doesnt sound at all supportive. Sounds a bit like my ex husband. His mum sounds like your MIL. She had her own ideas of bringing up children and always liked to have HER SAY and have her own way over the children. Thought Id BF too long etc. Anyway I think as you use MIL for free care you have to come and go with things slightly as we all have different ideas how to bring the kids up but older generations may have different ideas. I think the main issue here is that you want to be at home, cant be at home and therefore pick up on issues that arent really the be all and end all (except smoking). I think you really need to concentrate on sorting things out with your husband tho or things will fester.

dont blame you for resenting the lack of choice rtp...
but being with his gran is worth lots to him as well as you!
can you not just raise a few issues gently one at a time, iirc you are quite close to mil? Enough to be honest and open?
I'm dreading leaving mine with DP and MIL when I go to Oz in October... Then I think oh fgs its two weeks woman. But still I am uptight just about the feeding thing!

RTP I sympathise, my mum looks after DS a lot and it annoys me when she does something that I really disagree with.
However, I think you need to put your foot down about the smoking definitely (mention SIDS, and how you just can't be too careful) and the sugary tea (why?????????) and deal with the other stuff slowly if you can. My mum and MIL were both obsessed with DS having a dummy - he did have one but I tried not to overuse it, but they expected it permanently in. MIL in particular is obsessed with mashing his food as he doesn't eat very much, I am now pleased to have a comment in his nursery diary "We gave him finger food instead of mash and he ate slightly more than usual"
Mum, who has been involved in healthcare all her life has discovered these pom bear crisps and hands him one whenever he wants one claiming they are healthy - err no they're slightly less unhealthy than normal crisps! But I do think that mum and MIL are currently the only people I would leave him with without a second thought, and a bit of crisp eating and dummy sucking is worth that peace of mind. If you feel like that then probably best to pick your battles and then rant on MN with a huge "I know I'm lucky..." disclaimer

Personally I'm an AP parent too and wouldn't let anyone use reigns on my children. My mum is only 49 and mil a few years older, both are healthy and able etc.

I don't think it's pfb syndrome at all as I hvae 3 dc's now and am the same.

I would love to go back to work. I can't afford to though. I couldn't afford to pay a childminder for two, and I wouldn't want to work just to break even, I'd feel like I was chasing my tail.

I envy you that you have this opportunity to 'invest' in to your future/career iykwim. I'm not trying to brush aside your concerns, but at the end of the day.. you get to work. You get to earn....!

I don't think paying her will make any difference either, she's your mil and that won't change.What would you say to her-'I'm going to pay you so I can tell you what to do'?
You need to handle this very carefully so that she doesn't get offended, it's a big commitment looking after a grandchild,perhaps she's finding it a bit much trying to stick to all your preferences.

The only way you can have everything done your way is to have a nanny, or do it yourself, I think.

I think you would find it even more awkward to pay her...as my hunch (based on my parents, no more than that) is that she'd still be resistant to some of your suggestions (on the basis that she's his grandmother so obviously knows best ) but you'd be paying her so your expectations are higher. If you're going to be paying childminder rates anyway I would suggest trying to finding a childminder who thinks like you do and starting from square one. Much better than paying a member of the family, imo.

I think you may have to address some of these issues yourself directly with her and not expect too much from your husband. Mine is hopeless at asking his mother to do anything - he finds it very uncomfortable so leaves it to me to do the over-protective mother thing ("please put on sun hats, don't give them chocolate before tea, don't let them be eaten by dogs"...).

My son loves tea by the way. I give him his own cup now so that I can have my own tea in peace. ARe you horrified

Ok so there are two completely separate issues going on here.

One that your MIL is looking after DS differently from how you would do it. As most people have said there are compromises in all paid childcare and the only real show stopper is the smoking.

Two, you want to work p/t so you can spend more time with your DS and your DH doesn't want you to, and the free childcare clouds the fundamental issue.

You know that its your DH that you need to talk to more than your MIL.

Good luck.

Ok, I have read all this, and this is what actually really matters

Shouting "NO!" at him very loudly over spurious "misbehaviours" (he is 14 m/o)
Give him sugary tea from her cup
Smoking near him (I always knew she smoked but had assumed she would do it away from him)

And EVEN these negatives are STRONGLY countered by the fact that you have an almost free childminder who LOVES your son. No other childminder will love your son as much.

You could always pay a childminder, but they might just take your money, say, yeah, yeah, yeah, and STILL not do what you ask. They won't love your son a tenth as much as your current 'childminder' either.

Oh, and while I'm on a roll....

both my parents were heavy smokers when I was growing up, both smoked in the house, as did my grandparents.

I have never smoked, not one, and I am perfectly healthy. I am VERY anti smoking, I have dobbed in people I've caught having a sly one at work (a hospital).

I understand your attitude re smoking, but in the circumstances there may be worse things that could happen to your ds than being reared some of the time, by a single smoker.

Think hard, you could find yourself without a carer at all- you say you have no option but to work (it was the same for me), but you could end up having to pay for a nursery/ cm and still compromising.

No-one is going to treat your son in the same way as you do.

But she loves him. So if she's safe with him does it really matter?

My MIL looks after my neice - her granddaughter - pretty much full time. She does not want to be paid for her services precisely because with that payment would come expectations. Expectations that she would not necessarily want to meet. Expectations about when she could go on holiday, when she was ill, her approach to childcare etc etc.

I think you'll run into trouble, if you suggest payment AND insist she does things your way....she'll think you're treating her as the hired help (and she'd be right).

She is your child's grandmother, and the person who(presumably successfully) brought up your husband.

I think you have to let this go, aside from the smoking, but even that you'll have to handle sensitively, or else she'll jack in the childcare, and you'll find yourselves paying through the nose for childcare and STILL won't get what you want.

Definitely do not allow smoking near DS. But you should allow her to use reins. She's not as young as you - can't run as fast. Its a big responsibility, the reins will help. You must think of her as well as DS and what you want. She sounds invaluable, except from the smoking.

TBH I think you either need to find a childminder (and then buy her a buggy- although if she has other littlies and uses a twin pushchair ......) or accept the way your MIL does stuff. She;s still going to get pissed off about the buggy.

And she's really not going to want to be a childminder, have her house registered and checked, go on courses, have a CRB, be ofsted inspected just to look after her grandson is she? My Mum is great and loves the kids but she would tell me to get stuffed if I insisted she became a childminder.

Reverse, I'm not entirely sure that paying her will change the situation much, except to make you poorer.

At the end of the day she is stil DSs grandmother who has her own idea about doing things and as everyone has said even if your DS was at a paid carer, there may be things on your list such as carrying your DS in a sling, that they may be unable to fulfill.

She is never going to be the same as a paid carer, even if you pay her full rates and tbh it's slightly insulting to her the idea that if you just pay her some money she will miraculously change from being a grandmother into a paid carer.

If you want a paid carer that you can dictate to ( sorry that is too strong a term but you know what I mean) then I think you are going to find someone else.