Do I just grin and bear this? Is there another way around it? Feel very unhappy.

Yep.

Everything that BecauseImworthit says.

I suspect that your DH is making sarcy comments and being a bit 'bitchy' because he can't really emotionally adjust to the change and him not being centre of your universe and now relegated to 'provider'. Sounds like he wants to pretend that everything is 'as was'. Wrong, of course, but you need to drag his head out of the sand before it hurts your marriage even more. It's not your fault that he's like this, but you need to take action if you want to address it. And it is worth addressing because the alternatives are not nice.

I would agree with a lot of posters that as long as you are working, noone (paid or unpaid) will ever look after your child they way you would want them to.

It's just not possible.

The only solution to this is for you to give up work, which you have acknowledged you want to do.

Like Imworthit it was non-negotiable with my DH about me going back to work full-time, I don't actually think it's fair to expect him to "understand" that.

I know a lot of women on here do have partners who are happy for them to be at home with the kids, but that doesn't mean you are entitled to do so.

Am a little for you because it does seem "no win" for you, if you leave DH you will still have to work, and you will be worse off.

Hope you find a way to work this out with DH so that you don't feel so "replaced" by MIL.

RTP - I know that this thread has got onto the f/t p/t sah side of things - but I wanted to let you know of my experience of reins, hopefully to set your mind at rest a bit in case things stay as they are for a while.

Ds has always had an outward facing pc - I was very concious over the need for him to know that I was there, so early days I would sing and talk to him all the time - and, lying flat, he could see me a little anyway. I found I was unable to carry him for long distances from about 3mo as he was heavy and we had to walk the dog everyday, whatever the weather. From as early as 9 mo he would watch, fascinated, as the dog ran after her frisbee - to a significant distance away, then track her back to us. He loved it.

He started walking on his own at 14mo. Before this time, when he was cruising at home, when we went out for a walk with the buggy he would start 'creating' and I would get him out and let him hold onto the back of the buggy and effectively let him push it along (controlling the pace carefully - dh was never any good at this and ds got dragged along a few times (didn't seem to worry him!)) so when he was walking he wasn't content to sit in the buggy all of the time - he wanted to be out and walking. I found reins at this age really useful as it helped him walk along without falling over too much. He didn't want to hold my hand - its not really comfortable having one arm streched above your head for a long time - and I didn't find it comfortable holding his hand all of the time, so this was the best option for both of us. He also had the freedom to crouch down suddenly and look at insects he saw on the ground, or play in the sand etc.

I know that you don't like reins, but, if used sensitively to help walking rather than restrict loction, they can be helpful.

I would not, however, be happy with the smoking situation. This is bad for his health. This is the issue that it is worth making a stand about as this has the potential to damage his health in the longer term. I know that there are lots of people that have grown up in smoking households, but there are also people living to 90 who have smoked 20 a day - it doesn't mean that smoking is not harmful.

The problem is that what is a luxury for one person is an essential for another.

This is a really hard issue to tackle, and I wonder if it was something that you talked about/thought about before you had your baby? And that's not meant as a criticism at all - I doubt any of us realised what life was going to be like and how our priorities would shift once the baby came along.

Unfortunately things often change for the woman and much less for the man - especially if you're taking on most of the household chores, his life hasn't changed whereas yours has. And your priorities sound as if they have changed.

TBH, I feel some sympathy for your DH - I wouldn't want to give up my nice food/wine or holidays either! But then that was a choice we made - and it was always non-negotiable that I was going to go back to work full time.

The long and short of it is that there is no perfect solution and compromises have to be made by us all, regardless of the choices that we make.

I think that you and your dh need to have a proper conversation about your lives - his as well as yours - and agree what you both want out of life. Be honest if things have changed with you, and also take into account what he wants.

Now. This will seem harsh, I'm afraid, but it does sound like you're also cutting out your dh from your life - you want everything to revolve around your child and you and sound as if you expect him to deliver this for you. Apologies, but I did think that some of your post was a bit childish - you want him and your MIL to do everything your way.

I know that my dh felt the responsibility of being the sole earner very, very hard - and would have been very unhappy if I suddenly said I didn't want to work any more.

Please talk to your dh about this, but seriously and openly.

And this is so clearly not about your childcare!

Sorry for a long post and I do mean this constructively rather than criticising. I well remember the early days and how much of an upheaval it was in our marriage. But 18 years later we're still here ...

Why not consider 4 days to start with - it's not such a big cut that you couldn't find ways to fund it. I find having three days a week with DS keeps me sane.

Presumably your DH sees his mum as "mum" and therefore doesn;t see the problem for your DS, he thinks thats the easy the way to get what he wants, luxuries and DS looked after by someone close to him. What he isn't taking into account is how you feel about it and how his mum is not your DS's mum, you are and you want to see more of him.

Morning RTP. Have been thinking about you in the night. I have always felt that your DH and your MIL coerced you into going back to work full time when it was really clear you didn't want to. And that they were both quite undermining of you in the early days after having Bertie. Under the circumstances, I think you've done amazingly well to stick to your guns and raise him the way you want - you've always struck me as massively determined on that front.

But I'm not surprised this is really getting to you - partly because I know that you don't really want to work at all and partly because I think it must feel like you're being so overlooked in your views. I've always felt that there were (in the words of Princess Di) three people in your relationship!

How do you think your DH would react if you said you only wanted to work three days a week? What would happen if you went ahead and did it?

Re the day to day issues with your MIL - I agree with everyone else really. I think you hould put your foot down on some things (like the smoking) but some you just have to accept that if someone else is looking after your child, they're not going to do things the way you do. My mum looks after my DS one day a week and is always giving him biscuits. Drives me mad but I've overlooked it (even though I've told her I don't want him to have sugar) because they adore one another. Trying to find areas of compromise and those things you could let go without too much agonising might help you. In the end though I do think this is symptomatic of a much bigger issue and I'm not sure you will ever sort out the small issues to your satisfaction if that big one isn't dealt with.

I hope that's helpful and not really bleak

Your husband sounds like the problem, not your mother in law.

Did you both want a child? Is it possible he resents being a dad? Not making excuses, just wondering if that's why he's so negative.

Re the MIL. You sound like I did about mine. I cringe to think about it now - I was so worried about doing everything 'right'. (I didn't mind reins though - you can't 'lead' a baby on them like a dog - they still go the way they want, the reins just provide a bit of support in the case of a fall, or a bit of security if you feel you need it near a road.)

My DH also loves his food, fine wine & sky packages (as well as endless gadgets & holidays). I work 2 days a week.

We are lucky, in that we can afford to do both. If it was a choice, I can tell you I would definitely not be working full-time to subsidise my DH's hobbies & whims.

I'm pretty amazed at your DH's selfish attitude - you clearly want to spend more time with your DS, and he is not supporting you.

I agree this is not really about your MIL (except the smoking - no way would I stand for that!). I wouldn't be happy about the tea or shouting - but if she was only looking after DS 2-3 days a week instead of 5, it wouldn't be as big an issue IYSWIM?

Why don't you write down all the chores you do, all the chores he does, who works how many hours and make sure it's split evenly in terms of how long each one takes.

Sky TV, posh food, and foreign holidays are luxuries. You might want to approach the spending the same way you approach the chores. I would mark down the things you need (mortgage, gas, electric, basic clothes allowance, normal food (lentils not caviar), etc. Then you should each have an entertainment/saving allowance (and they should be the same!). Then see what luxuries you can afford. If you really want to stay home but you are going to work to pay for sky tv and holidays you don't care about then something is going to have to give. Marriage is about compromise, not a power struggle.

Hmm with extra info you definitely need to sort out things wiith your DH rather than MIL.

Good luck

I assumed you were talking to me - it took a while!

hi Polar,

the smoking is non-negotiable, as everyone else has said.

In all honesty, I think you are making a mistake to continue working full-time when you clearly don't want to. That sounds harsh, but as another poster said, you will NEVER get this time back with your DS - I would tell your husband to stick his expensive food where the sun doesn't shine and that you are going to work part-time, and that's the end of it. He's behaving like a spoilt brat who is putting his own "needs" before those of his son, who would be far better off with a mother who is happy rather than one who is away from him and uptight about it. I work three days a week, and that is enough in my opinion (for me - not casting judgement on anyone else's choices, but personally I couldn't stand to be away from my child for longer than that at this age expect in case of the direst financial necessity, where my child would starve/be homeless without it). He will be in school before you know it, and will be spending the major part of the day away from you then - you can get a full-time job then if it makes your DH happy(and you are still with him!) , it's only three years away. But I don't really need to tell you any of this, as you seem to feel the same way.

Sorry if this sounds a bit strong but you've been such a dedicated mother to your DS, and I think you deserve better from your DH than you are getting.

By the way, why is your MIL so set against a rear facing pram? I disagree with other posters who say children are happier in forward facing ones. My buggy is reversible, but most of the time DS is facing me and I can talk to him, and he can see me. Every mum I know comments on how good it is. He does face forward sometimes, but having the option of both ways is great. What sort of pram do you have (or don't you with all that carrying - much respect by the way - my DS is much heavier than yours and I have a dodgy knee so not an option for long periods).

Wow RTP I had no idea things were bad
Do you have anyone in RL you can talk to - discuss the practicalities and also your feelings? What do you think your DH's reaction would be if you said you wanted to split?

Rtp. We've not had a foreign holiday ever since dd and ds2. Only ONE uk holiday in 6 years. We eat pulses and eat meat 1-2 x a week. Dp cancelled the gym, we have made no improvements on our house, we rarely go out. No sky as we cannot afford it. This is what dp/we sacrifice so I can stay at home.
And dp earns a very good wage indeed...
it takes 2... You are making all the sacrifices rtp and you will resent it as you are missing the one thing you want above all else.
much love x x x

oh honey, just read the new comments ,and agree with dh comments thats life is too short BUT not about eating crap food, but life is too short to stay with this kind of man (hug)

some one who verbally abuses you and seems to run you down, if he has such a high powered job, and earns so much money, then he can afford to let you work part time or give up, if that is what you want!!

you sound really unhappy and if you dont have the support of a partner, then sometimes although harder to leave, it will make your life easier/happier in the long run

RTP, 3 things:-

1. I also have grandparents who have been very active in looking after my DC's. I was very much like you in my frustrations about what happened under their watch (though never had smoking to deal with). BUT it really is PFB. If you sat down and had a heart to heart with her you would find that she ALSO finds it very difficult managing her instincts versus your rules. Lots of it is generational. Lots of it is just different views (and she can back hers up with '...and they turned out fine'). When I learnt how much my mum struggled with things i thought were basics (eg 'treats') I realised that she was doing the best she could to follow my rules, and it wasn't about not respecting what I wanted. YOU HAVE TO LEARN THAT HER HOUSE = HER RULES. Smokign is the only thing that may cause real harm; all the rest you can deal with. Set the general agenda and leave her to interpret as best she can. Kids are resiliant and you cannot recreate her love with anyone else.

2. Don't, whatever you do start paying her and then adding on conditions. It is an insult to her. If you want to give her gifts (eg buy her a nice holiday every once in a while) then that is a much better compromise

3. If you didn't have relationship problems before you had DS then I would pause before assuming that all your problems are down to you and DH having a deteriorating relationship. It could instead be that they stem from the shock of parenthood and will right themselves in the end. What you see as him wanting you to work so you don;t have to compromise your lifestyle could really be him wanting you to work so he doesn't feel as if he is drowning in the responsibility of looking after you all. Or he may see it as the way of getting back the person he married, if you have changed substantially. Doesn't mean he is right, just that there are lots of reasons for difficulty in adjusting to parenthood so don;t jump to conclusions. There isa good book called babyproofing your marriage which is quite funny and might help if you suspect that your problems stem from becoming parents.

Can I just ask something -- and tell me shut up if I'm out of line. But, if your DH thinks staying at home is apiece of piss, does that mean you do all the childcare AND you go to work full time?

I personally feel that if you work the same amount of hours outside the home, that you carry the same weight inside the home when it comes to household chores and childcare.

I can't imagine why in this situation you would want to work less. I mean, I understand that you want to spend more time with your son, but giving up work would surely make you more vulnerable in an already unpleasant situation. Maybe my way of thinking is too rational for situation that obviously involves a lot of emotion. When I am faced with difficult choices, I try to look further down the line. So, not what will make me happy next month, but where will I be in 5 years and will I look back and think I did the right thing in the long term.

I don't know if this helps, but it sounds like there a whole lot more than tea and reigns lying beneath this thread. And you have to think about your long term future.

It also sounds like your DH is possibly more supportive of his mother than his is of his wife, and I would have to say that if that is the case he has got his priorities wrong way round.

Anyway, you are obviously having a rough time. Good luck!