Do I just grin and bear this? Is there another way around it? Feel very unhappy.

macdoodle-maybe you should read the thread properly before storming in with thoughtless remarks that

Sorry just skimmed through but blimey think everyone has been very kind - I think you are being horrid and thoughtless - your MIL (so not even your own mother) - looks after and loves your child for nothing (more or less) every day I assume - and you have a list of nit picking things you don't like .....
A wriggly 14 month old weighing 20lbs on her pack - do you think she is your personal servant???
My suggestion is do it yourself or pay someone you can dictate to - am gobsmacked!

2.4's post is much better than mine.

I agree that your MIl is not the real issue here. She is doing a great job of looking after DS for you as you say that she showers him with love and he enjoys being with her. The smoking is an issue but one that can be dealt with by a quiet word at an appropriate moment.

The real issue is you working and wanting to be at home plus the fact that your DH seems to be making all the decisions.

Would he listen at all if you were to say to him that the 1 thing that would make you happy is spending more time with DS and that you are seriously unhappy at the moment. Tell him you have 4 different scenarios and that you'd like the chance to discuss them all and decide as a family with a bit of compromise on both your parts.

1. You stay at home and live solely on DH salary and compromise your standard of living (this is your ideal and would make him most unhappy)
2. You continue to work full time and maintain your standard of living (this is DH ideal and makes you most unhappy)
3. You stay in your current job on the condition that as soon as an opportunity comes up to reduce to part time you will take it like a shot
4. You change career completely and become a childminder/something else at home

Make him realise that if he can veto option 1 as it involves him doing all the compromising that you should be able to vetp option 2 as it means you doiing all the compromising!

You really need to sit down and talk to him and make it clear that you are seriously unhappy and conmsidering leaving him if nothing changes!

It really does sound like you need a have a proper sit down and TALK discussion with your DH.

If you are unhappy something needs to change, a compromise needs to be reached. That's what marriage is all about, BOTH sides compromising not just the woman!

As for the childcare issues, I agree with everyone else, the only REAL issue is the smoking, everything else is just details really and won't make any difference to your DS in the long term, but the smoking? No chance I would let that slide.

My DH makes stacks more than me, he works longer hours and it means that when I work it is because I want to not because I have to (am very fortunate I know!). My point is that he understands though that if WE decide for both of us to work then HE needs to pick up some of the childcare slack caused by my working.

I wouldn't be totally ready to throw your marriage out the window just yet, at some point things must have been good or you wouldn't have gotten married and had a baby together. You really do need to sit down together somewhere (maybe with a bottle of good wine ) and discuss discuss discuss. If he is not willing to do that/compromise AT ALL, then I think you have a serious problem.

Good luck.

"wish is achieved" was meant to say "wish list" is achieved.

But, they aren't making decisions together as a family unit. She wats to do something, she raises it with DH and he says no. She is his partner, not his subordinate.

Childminding sounds perfect. She can bring in a good living (probably more than temping), and she can spend more time with her son, and she can get some distance between her and MIL. I'm not saying get MIL completely out of her life, but could be the one with whom her DS spends most of his time.

And, if your DH, wants time off to look after his son, then say GREAT!. You can work Mon-Th. DH can work Tu-Fr. You look after DS on Fri. DH looks after DS on Mon. And MIL can have Tue and Wed. And you can use the vouchers at the nursery on Thurs. From the sounds of it, he won't really want to do this, but might put the argument forward as a means to shoot down your idea.

I agree with breaking this down into chunks. What are things the you want to achieve most and go into the conversation with DH willing to compromise and listen. But insist that at least some of your "wish is achieved". For example:
1- I want to be DS' main carer (i.e I want DS to spend more of his waking hours with me than he does with anyone else)
2- I want a job I enjoy.
3- I want a job which will give me opportunity for increasing earning potential
4- I want to set my own hours.
5- I want to have the flexibility to work in term time if I choose to in 5 years.
6- I want DS to be exposed to other children (i.e. nursery) when he is of x age.
7- I want to make use of my childcare vouchers/tax credits/etc.

Whatever your priorities are, I think you should address them to DH and be careful to tackle only the issue at hand -- childcare and your (and DH's) work. I would be very careful not to bring other issues regarding MIL into the conversation. And if he brings up unrelated issues, you should say that isn't the issue you want to deal with now, but you can talk about later if he wishes.

You sound like your self esteem has been torn to pieces and I really think it is important for your long term happiness that you find a solution to your work and childcare that you can be happy about. You are clearly miserable, and something needs to change before you find yourself in divorce court.

I slightly disagree Athene.

My DH is a contractor and we have both agreed that because of this it makes a lot of sense for me to stay with my current employer due to the relative stability. I think there is nothing wrong with making career decisions as a family unit rather than as an individual. It works both ways as well, I have a say in DHs contracts as I'd much rather he was working close to home so he can do drop offs and pick ups and generally be around in the evening.

Reverse, you seem very astute and self aware. there are huge things going on for you and maybe you need to focus o nbreaking it down into manageable chunks. Condensed hours would seem to be the easiest and quickest solution, and one that your DH can't disagree with, but I believe it is hard on the days you work. Perhaps you could also cost up reducing to 4 days a week and see what actual difference it makes to your income and what that means to your expenditure.

I'm finding it hard to believe that 2 adults in f/t employment and no child care costs couldn't cut down by 10% without it making a huge difference, and I think it wouldn't make as great an impact as you would think. As for DH wanting to go p/t, well tbh he does have the right to suggest that as well, but he needs to understand its not for golfing or hobbies its to look after your child, and if he demonstrates that he could cope with that i.e. through sole care one day at the weekends, then perhaps that needs to be considered as well.

Good luck, must dash to work !

Two things jump out at me in your post.

1 - "I have thought about working at home, setting up my own business or taking part in some kind of franchise, in the past but when I raised it with dh it was a definite "no" because of the lack of security."

2 - "I realise that in many ways this is my fault. "

Regarding 1 - He is a control freak. Why on earth is it his place to decide what your job/career should be? Do you tell him where he can work, what hours, and define the required stability? DH and both have full time careers. I don't make career decisions for him, and he doesn't make them for me. Of course if one of us was appplying for a job the involved moving to another city, then that would be discussed. But, generally, he follows his desires and I follow mine.

Regarding 2 - No it isn't!

smoking is a big NO NO
reins are used for safety not restraint
nothing wrong with a forward facing buggy, unless of course he's pushed about in it for hours ( same said for any buggy)
The 'No' thing I'd be concerned about, and how do you know he doesnt cry himself to sleep.
Forget cheap child care and go with your instincts.
You can help with childcare costs nowdays.
I would not leave my child with a smoker- even if they smoked outside they themselves would still stink of cigs, do you want your child smelling that and associating it with love???

Reverssy, I add my vote to the smoking issue. And I reckon that even if your mil was mary poppins you would be having difficulties because fair enough you want to raise your boy your way yourself. It's a control issue. It is tricky.

And if I were you I'd insist on working part time because that might give you more balance and more control and hopefully your dh will adapt to that.

Coolj, you are brilliant.

Where is OP? She is going to have a lot of reading to do.

Just had a thought that noone else has yet mentioned. Why dont you consider working from home or even becoming a childminder. Then you would be there 24/7 for your son and wouldnt have to put up with MILs ways. You would still be bringing in a wage and working full time if that is what your husband expects of you. There you go, everybody is happy

'Maybe for him to spend more time alone with his son would help all relationships, and he has a right to have his say in how his son is being reared also. '

i totally agree with this statement,but i cant help wondering whether your dh is trying to have a say in how his ds is reared,or going along with MIL as he is scared to disagree with her

i wonder if things would be better between you if she wasnt in the picture?

I think if your child doesn't like reins it will be impossible to use them with him. That was my experience. One DD who communicated well, walked alongside, chatted, and barely seemd to notice the reins, except when she wanted to career down steep country paths where they just added to the fun.

Second DD wanted to run to the limit of the reins immediately and then stop. Any attempt to encourage her to move resulted in her sitting on the ground. You couldn't possibly have controlled her with them or walked with her for more than 10 paces.

If your MIL is usiing them successfully your little boy is probably happy to wear them and they are probably communicating well with each other IMO.

I don't understand what you dislike about the reins. THere are a basic, practical, safety aid, which can be quite useful in certain places- I wish more parents would use them- often as a driver you have to really watch out for parents who justdo not make sure that they are keeping their children safe.Likewise, if a child really needs a pushchair, then I wouldn't get hung up with the outward/inward facing debate. Older chioldren llike to see faces apart from yours sometimes, sights around them. Also in crowded shopping centres someparents let toddlers run wild.

Aren't babies over 7 or so months really too heavy for a sling? My back couldnot have managed afterabout4 months .

I don't understand what you dislike about the reins. THere are a basic, practical, safety aid, which can be quite useful in certain places- I wish more parents would use them- often as a driver you have to really watch out for parents who justdo not make sure that they are keeping their children safe.Likewise, if a child really needs a pushchair, then I wouldn't get hung up with the outward/inward facing debate. Older chioldren llike to see faces apart from yours sometimes, sights around them. Also in crowded shopping centres someparents let toddlers run wild.

Aren't babies over 7 or so months really too heavy for a sling? My back couldnot have managed afterabout4 months .

Agree with potoftea.

Your version of AP sounds v. mother centred imo

And...

You and DH should split the childcare chores. For example, he takes DS to his mum/nursery in the morning (allowing you to leave early so you can put in that 10 hour day). You pick him up and get him ready for bath/bed whilst DH prepares your dinner and cleans the kitchen.

You and DH sit down to eat together (which is a good time for the two of you to discuss DS' developmental needds) while DS sleeps.

NEVER EVER accept this crap about his job being more important because he makes more money. My DH makes more money than I do, but I wouldn't dream of allowing my career to take a back seat to his. They are equal, and this is a non-negotiable truth.

Have just read all the thread, and as others said it's not the MIL is the issue.

One thing that struck me is that the OP said in the first paragraph that DH thinks ds could do with a bit of discipline, and that the OP is too soft on him. Could it be that the DH feels excluded and un-necessary now in this cosy relationship between mother and baby?
Maybe for him to spend more time alone with his son would help all relationships, and he has a right to have his say in how his son is being reared also.

ReverseThePolarity - if I were you, I would tell your DH that you want to change your childcare and either have a nanny, use a CM or send your DC to nursery because you think that his mother is getting in the way of your family. Tell him that you think your relationship as a couple is suffering hugely because of the constant presence of your MIL in all your lives.

Good point, Edam.

Also, if you give up work and then get divorced, how will you support yourself and your son? Dh will only have to give you 20% of his income. Can you live on that and pay childcare so you can go to work so you can put food on the table and pay rent?

Thin long term when you decide whether to quit working and whether to stay with your DH.

What about using a nursery part time when your son turns say 2. It is only ten months away and may be an excuse to wean him away from full care under MIL. Start the conversation with DH now about when it is appropriate for his development to start socialising with other children his age. (You can bet the nursery won't serve tea or smoke around him). Maybe start with two half days or one full day per week. And you can use your tax credits/vouchers there so they don't go to waste.

Then, after he's been in nursery for a while apply for flexible working to work 4 10 hour days M-TH and have Fridays off. (Make sure nursery is M-TH). So when you take that day off you get another day with DS, MIL only has him two days, and you are still bringing home a full time paycheck.

It does sound as if the problem is dh, rather than MIL alone. And that he is bullying you.

If you are thinking of leaving him, then you really need to think about childcare/work. Because dh will still want his mum to look after ds. How are you going to handle that one?

I was thinking a lot about this last night, and what do you know so was everyone else !

I was going to put the same suggestion forward as Kew. I work 4 days a week and I love my one special day with DS where we do what we want on our own. It means I can focus totally on DS (and mumsnet ) without any of the normal compromises that come with being a family.

Plus perhaps you could condense your hours, which although is hard on the 4 days means you would still get that special time without a reduction in salary.

Must go have to get to work !