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Original poster

Settling in nightmare with childminder

33 replies

kateeea · 26/08/2025 09:34

My DD is 15 months old and we started settling in with a childminder 3 weeks ago. First time went OK, we were there for 2 hours she was playing by my side and seemed happy. Before we were about to leave I popped to the loo and she had a complete meltdown, hysterically crying until I've gone back. The childminder picked her up but couldn't sooth her.
Since then she doesn't open up to the childminder, for 3 weeks we have been going twice a week and she plays while either myself or my MIL sits next to her, but doesn't go and play with the other kids or with the childminder.
Next week my MIL goes back home and we will not have help with my DD so I need to try to leave her there.. but so far the childminder couldn't even pick her up once as she just cries when she goes near her. (She's like this with strangers a lot of the times...)
What should I do? I'm scared if I leave her she will just be traumatised and not able to bond with the childminder but I have to work..
Even crossed my mind if a nursery setting would maybe be better for her?!
I'm at a loss of what to do.
Ps. The childminder is great, and trying her best she even came to our house one weekend for an hour so my DD can get used to her at her own safe space, but there wasn't any improvement after this..

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stackhead · 26/08/2025 11:33

I do feel your pain, honest. My DD is having her first settling in session with her childminder today (she's 10 months).

In comparison. My DH was back in 15 minutes after dropping her off, the minute she started bum shuffling over to play with the other kids he left without her seeing. You need to do that.

Rip off the plaster and get her in the childminders without you. She's always going to be upset if you're there.

legoplaybook · 26/08/2025 11:08

Just go for it now, drop her off at the door say goodbye and come back in 2 hours.

PurpleChrayn · 26/08/2025 10:13

That’s too prolonged a settling-in.

You’re going to just have to rip the plaster off.

Original poster
kateeea · 26/08/2025 10:04

Thank you all for your comments.
A bit more details:
So the plan was to do 1 settling in session where I am there with her, and the next day I was meant to leave her for an hour or two. But after her meltdown on the first session where I popped to the loo, the next day she was crying so much when we walked in, I couldn't even put her down she was hysterical. She was holding on to me with both arms and legs lol

So the childminder suggested that my MIL goes with her so she's not as clingy, and that's how some improvement happened that she at least goes in now and plays a little.

I don't really have a choice in terms of she needing to go, I could try to work from home while she's with me but I have to do an office day once per week so that won't be possible.

OP posts:
Cyclistmumgrandma · 26/08/2025 10:03

I still remember how hard it was when my son was peeled off my front howling at the door to the nursery. Luckily for my sanity I could go and hide under the window where I was out of sight. I would hear him stop crying very quickly.

Mrsttcno1 · 26/08/2025 09:59

Agree with PP- the extended settling with you there isn’t helping here. This is why most nurseries do hand over at the door and go, children tend to settle much quicker without a huge drawn out goodbye and they then learn this is a fun place independently rather than now where your child has learned its okay WITH you there.

indoorplantqueen · 26/08/2025 09:58

You’ve created the norm where she had you or your MIL there. Was the childminder in agreement with this, it’s pretty unusual for that many settling in with a family member there.
if you have no choice you need to bite the bullet and leave her. She needs the opportunity to build a relationship with the CM and vice versa.

stackhead · 26/08/2025 09:54

Do you have a choice? Meant kindly, do you have a choice?

Honestly I think the extended settling with you there probably hasn't helped. Your DD needs to get used the environment without you there and the only way to do that is by not being there. Will she cry. Yes. Will it be traumatising, yes, but more for you than her.

Drop her off for a full day. Don't look back. Give it a week, then two. She'll settle eventually.

If you don't have a choice and you have to work you're just going to have to grit your teeth and do it. She'll cry, you'll cry but long term it'll work out for the best and you'll be the only one who remembers.