Settling in nightmare with childminder

How do you know what she does or that her husband isn't a registered assistant?
My Los don't go to nursery they all go straight to reception. All very confident will stand in front of 20 ISH people twice a week and request a song, eat in groups of 10, self dress, play independently, listen to stories in group settings, ask familiar adults for help....my network of childminders, attend our forset school group we run between us, recognise significant letter and their names, recognise numbers. Are able to cut, etc etc. the teachers always say childminder children are very well prepared for school more so than a private nursery.

Let’s tar all childminders with the same brush! Sounds like you have a rarity living next door as that certainly not what the majority of childminders do! Equally, there are good and bad nurseries, some of the horror stories from nurseries can be truly shocking but, again, the majority are very different. Also, childminders follow the EYFS the same as nurseries do and are inspected the same. Childminders can prepare children for school in the same way nurseries can.

As PPs have said why have you not looked at nurseries? I have just moved house and there is a childminder next door, she literally just takes them shopping then lobs them into the garden and gets her partner to watch them, not much of a great experience for them really. Maybe yours is better but I have always thought that nursery prepares them better for school.

'Smothering' 😂😂😂

Congratulations on the drop off. There will be relapses, but you are on the right track.

I’m sorry to say you’ve more than likely conditioned this behaviour by smothering her up to now. You can be happy this has been discovered now, rather than at the school gates.

And there’s plenty of time to improve your parenting technique such that she can play independently (including have falls, cries, etc, etc), and gains confidence with other adults.

Oh this is silly. it’s not a settling session if you’re there with her every time she goes for 3 whole weeks, you’ve wasted 3 weeks of everyone’s time. Yes she will cry, no you don’t have a choice. I’ve had 3 children and had to peel each of them off me when dropping to childcare at some point in their lives. They all got over it and were usually happily playing within 5 mins of me leaving

Sometimes takes a while to settle. Other options nanny based at your home? Or a nursery? Nurseries have lots of staff and changes but children are adaptable. Nanny in child’s home can be an option, but sometimes they may change jobs leaving you searching again. If childminder seems a long term option it may be worth it to keep trying

Going against the grain here but we have done extended settling with my now 18 month old daughter (after 2 childminder placements fell through, long story) and it's worked very well. We did playdates like you've been doing and my daughter grew familiar with the childminder. 3 settling sessions without me there, with no tears other than when the childminder tried to get her down for a nap. But she stopped crying quickly (didn't sleep though 🤣)

We've done short days so far this week so she can at least a short nap afterwards, but next week I have to do full days.

I just want to say that you haven't necessarily done anything wrong. It can work, you've done the best you can and I think you should be kind to yourself here. Yes, you have to leave her now and she will be okay. I know how hard it is to leave them when they're upset though!

Settling is baby accepting comfort from another person they won't while someone familiar is there. Things should start to turn around now your leaving her.
It's hard try to be upbeat when they are crying but do your best and always say goodbye

Well done @kateeea. Yes your child will cry but it will get easier as the days go on. Your childminder can now get on with bonding with your child. It is always worse on the parent.

@kateeea well done it is so hard and still makes me feel like an awful mum when I have to leave my DS crying but he usually looks like he’s having a great time! Our nursery never minds us messaging to check he’s settled ok so your childminder also might not mind a message, just to put your mind at rest? But I’m sure your DD is fine!

Well done. It will get easier 💐

As people said you’ve had a too long settling in session it is hard leaving children especially when they cry but it will be harded on you than her

longer you stay. the harder it will be for your child to settle with the cm

Even if you work from home, most companies are not allow you to look after children, especially a toddler who has needs and cannot be left alone independently to play for a long time

You drop her off walk away. Cry in the car if need be but not near so your child can see upset

your daughter and a childminder need to bond and settle is the only way if you’ve got to work.

I'm amazed that the childminder is allowing you to come for the settling in sessions and for 3 weeks. It's disruptive to your child, disruptive for the childminder and disruptive for all the other children she looks after. No childminder or nursery I know would ever offer settling in sessions like this. It's usual to attend the initial session but thereafter you drop off for 2 hours or half a day gradually working to a full day.

Your child is never going to settle if you are always there. In the kindest possible way you need to leave your child and go. Quickly. I think the fact you have been doing this for 3 weeks has made it so much worse than it needs to be. Most children settle within a couple of weeks with no parent there.

I’ve been both the childcare provider and the parent in this situation. Usually as a nursery worker or nanny, the child would settle very quickly once mum had actually left. Maybe a little longer at first, but after a while, they’d literally be fine and have the best time the moment they saw that mum had left. There are the odd exceptions where they don’t settle long term, in which case you may have to reassess. But this is very very rare.
I completely understand, as a parent, how difficult it is to leave when they’re screaming and trying to reach for you, but the best way really is to just cheerily say “goodbye, love you, have a lovely day and see you later” - and leave. (Don’t look back or cry until you’re out of sight).

I’m amazed the childminder went along with this.

I feel for you. DD1 didn’t need any settling sessions, she was so independent and completely not one bit clingy. DD2 is a whole other story. She has her first session today where I’ll stay with her, I know she will go nuts when she gets left. She’s always gone to the gym crèche since about 5m old but since we moved house/gyms she’s not so content being left there, they came to get me out of the pool where I was with DD1 last week because she just wouldn’t settle.

My only advice (and I’ll be telling myself this) is that it’s worth it, pull the plaster and go. The child minder is great as you said, she will never be able to soothe your DD when DD knows mommy is there! It may be traumatising for her short term, but in the long term you are the adult and know she will be having a better time playing with the other children than being at home with you while you juggle wfh. Good luck.

Fair.

Sneaking works for us as it seems DD is worse with the anticipation of leaving rather than the actual leaving itself (we've tested with my parents and us hiding round the corner to see a reaction and she's fine).

Sneaking might not be the best for everyone. But the other points still stand :)

Another saying you need to leave her there. My DS has been going to nursery for a few months and still has days when I have to peel him off me at the door. Within 10 mins they always message to say he’s fine and quite often he’s reluctant to come home, if he’s busy playing!

You need to leave lo with the childminder alone for a proper settling is session. Extended ones don’t help in the slightest. Yes, lo will be upset and it may be quite traumatic however she needs to get used to being there without you or mam.

don’t try and sneak off. Say a quick goodbye, I will see you later and leave. Don’t look back, don’t linger and contain your emotions. I know it will be hard but if she senses you’re upset then it will affect how she copes with things.

I’m a childminder and never do settling in with parents there. They come to visit me with lo, come again to do paperwork or go over things, again with lo. For the settling in I initially keep it to a couple of hours and advise that I will call them if lo becomes too upset or I feel we need to cut it short. Children need to get used to me without parents there. It’s really important that they see that, whilst there spending some time with me, mummy or daddy will be back later to take them home. It also begins our bonding process. We do handover at the door with a quick goodbye and parents leave even of the child is upset.

I spent several months peeling a child off me at the childminders. Usually by the time I was at the car they were happily playing.

I really wouldn't recommend sneaking off without your baby seeing - imagine her panic when she looks up and realises she's been left? You want her to trust in you that you'll say goodbye and then return - you don't want to cause anxiety that you might disappear at any moment.

I’ve had 3 kids with childminders - prolonged settling in is the worst thing you can do. Even if she’s screaming and crying you just have to walk away calmly and let her settle without you. I know it seems cruel but it is what is is and in a few days time she’ll be over it

Your child will never settle if you are there, you need doorstep drop off kiss say goodbye and go, you are causing your child trauma by staying.