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Original poster

Nursery settling not going well

62 replies

littlebopeep1991 · 14/08/2025 21:36

my little boy has been trying to settle at nursery for three weeks now and it’s not going well. he’s been doing 2 or 3 sessions every week. There’s been very slight improvement but hardly. He gets so upset he’s made himself sick, had nose bleeds, lost his voice twice from crying so much. He has had the odd 5 minutes without crying whilst there.
He is 13.5 months. All the nursery have said is some family’s pull them out and others carry on and they do eventually settle but it’s not often they’re as upset as he has been. Has anyone experienced a little one be this upset as this and what the outcome was with childcare? Not sure if we should try him in a childminder, keep going or look if we can afford an alternative solution.

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Poopyness · 14/08/2025 22:16

littlebopeep1991 · 14/08/2025 21:56

Oh your poor little one that sounds so horrible. My best friends two children are both at the nursery, and one of them is in the same class and is very happy there so I’m hoping it’s generally ok but perhaps the setting is too big for him

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Yep! I think some kids are suited to nursery and some aren't!

Original poster
littlebopeep1991 · 14/08/2025 22:16

jannier · 14/08/2025 22:11

Does the handover always happen to the same person so he can build a bond? I'm a cm parents have normally come and stayed...paperwork, initial chats etc....three or four times before leaving baby for an hour. We then build it up daily until they settle then rever to the contracted working hours.

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It’s one of three people usually :(

OP posts:
jannier · 14/08/2025 22:11

littlebopeep1991 · 14/08/2025 21:45

we have settled into the routine of dad dropping him off because I found it really hard seeing how upset he was an know how important it is for him to not see me be worried about nursery. Prior to trying nursery he would take a few minutes to warm to people but would very quick let me pass him to people, I genuinely had no concerns that he would have an issue at nursery because of this. He is now so so upset if I walk away from him a few metres. I’ve tried leaving him in a room with my best friend who he has seen at least three trimes a week since he was born and absolutely loves. Prior to nursery he would be oblivious to me being around, since nursery he won’t let me out of his sight or leave my side. It’s heartbreaking to see, it’s really unsettled him I feel so cruel

Does the handover always happen to the same person so he can build a bond? I'm a cm parents have normally come and stayed...paperwork, initial chats etc....three or four times before leaving baby for an hour. We then build it up daily until they settle then rever to the contracted working hours.

TickyandTacky · 14/08/2025 22:11

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 14/08/2025 22:07

I think CM are suboptimal, care in someone else domestic home in a mixed age group
Nursery is better quality imo
Its been 3 wk you need to be more fake it to make it positive
Let him chose nursery clothes, put items in his bag, chose snack, get into the routine of it big it up

He's a baby! 13 months. One to one care with a cm in her home is not suboptimal! Goodness do some research.

  • I dont mean he'll be the only child but they can build a one to one bond. She'll know him well and he only has to get used to the one caregiver.
CatchHimDerry · 14/08/2025 22:10

We managed for about 6 months and took ours out. It wasn’t for him. We went with a childminder who is best friend of our good friend. So I felt trustworthy from their judgment.

Best thing we ever did, he settled straight away with the mixed ages and thrived.

we are about to start pre-school / school age 3 nursery in September and I am DREADING it

Original poster
littlebopeep1991 · 14/08/2025 22:09

HappyHedgehog247 · 14/08/2025 22:06

Can you find a childminder or 1-1 babysitter? The nursery are telling you it's unusual. 13.5 months is young. It has ruptured his attachment safety.

this makes me so sad to think. Someone in our own home would be better but financially I’m not sure it makes any sense to work if that’s what we have to do.

OP posts:
CoffeeLipstickKeys · 14/08/2025 22:07

I think CM are suboptimal, care in someone else domestic home in a mixed age group
Nursery is better quality imo
Its been 3 wk you need to be more fake it to make it positive
Let him chose nursery clothes, put items in his bag, chose snack, get into the routine of it big it up

Original poster
littlebopeep1991 · 14/08/2025 22:07

MarvellousMonsters · 14/08/2025 22:01

How many settling in sessions did he have with you there? Prior to starting nursery had he been left with anyone before, or spent all his time with you (or his dad)?

Can you go back to basics and start settling him with you staying? He needs to know his key worker, and form the beginnings of a bond with them, he’s not going to settle if his key worker is still a total stranger to him. Just because you know he’s safe etc, doesn’t mean he understands that. A few sessions where you stay, get him playing, with you and his key worker, and gradually get him used to the environment, will reduce his reaction to being there. When you do start to leave him don’t sneak away when he’s not looking, or allow staff to peel him from your arms as he cries, that will make him more fearful and insecure, he needs to know that you are going, but that he’s safe, and that you are going to come back.

Not a single one! I didn’t realise when we signed him up they don’t allow any parents into the classroom. I have asked them to reconsider this but they have stood firm. I didn’t even know this is a thing but apparently a few nursery’s are like this since Covid as they found many kids settled better this way.

OP posts:
Alpacahacker · 14/08/2025 22:06

littlebopeep1991 · 14/08/2025 22:05

yes my thought was if it’s in a home its more like we have gone on a play date

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If the childminder is good it’s great. If they’re flaky it’s not great. You’re relying on one person and there are pros and cons to that. Personally I couldn’t hack the upset so for me it was worth risking the possibility of an unreliable CM!

HappyHedgehog247 · 14/08/2025 22:06

Can you find a childminder or 1-1 babysitter? The nursery are telling you it's unusual. 13.5 months is young. It has ruptured his attachment safety.

Original poster
littlebopeep1991 · 14/08/2025 22:05

Alpacahacker · 14/08/2025 22:01

It’s quite different. There are a handful of children instead of lots of them.

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yes my thought was if it’s in a home its more like we have gone on a play date

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Original poster
littlebopeep1991 · 14/08/2025 22:04

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 14/08/2025 22:00

In fairness its been 3 week
Hes stressed you are stressed
You need to big up nursery as a positive. Treats for going in, routine fave toy, star chart reward for attending
Conceal your misgivings, He will detect if you are ambivalent

How will a cm be any different?

We do this as far as possible as he’s 13 months so really doesn’t have any interest in reward charts but we do get them so give him bananas which are his favourite food and i avoid giving at home much and takes his favourite toys

OP posts:
JollyHostess101 · 14/08/2025 22:01

Oh And ours never had a comforter or anything but we let her take a toy in which might or might not of helped but she doesn’t take it anywhere else and now she only uses it for her nap there!!

Alpacahacker · 14/08/2025 22:01

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 14/08/2025 22:00

In fairness its been 3 week
Hes stressed you are stressed
You need to big up nursery as a positive. Treats for going in, routine fave toy, star chart reward for attending
Conceal your misgivings, He will detect if you are ambivalent

How will a cm be any different?

It’s quite different. There are a handful of children instead of lots of them.

MarvellousMonsters · 14/08/2025 22:01

How many settling in sessions did he have with you there? Prior to starting nursery had he been left with anyone before, or spent all his time with you (or his dad)?

Can you go back to basics and start settling him with you staying? He needs to know his key worker, and form the beginnings of a bond with them, he’s not going to settle if his key worker is still a total stranger to him. Just because you know he’s safe etc, doesn’t mean he understands that. A few sessions where you stay, get him playing, with you and his key worker, and gradually get him used to the environment, will reduce his reaction to being there. When you do start to leave him don’t sneak away when he’s not looking, or allow staff to peel him from your arms as he cries, that will make him more fearful and insecure, he needs to know that you are going, but that he’s safe, and that you are going to come back.

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 14/08/2025 22:00

In fairness its been 3 week
Hes stressed you are stressed
You need to big up nursery as a positive. Treats for going in, routine fave toy, star chart reward for attending
Conceal your misgivings, He will detect if you are ambivalent

How will a cm be any different?

Original poster
littlebopeep1991 · 14/08/2025 21:59

TickyandTacky · 14/08/2025 21:55

Not helpful no but when they have settled dozens of children they have experience.

I had this last year, it took about 4 months before the screaning stopped completely and a year later he still doesnt sleep independently and he's 2yo now. It's very hard work for me as a cm because I have others to care for too.

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4 months 😯 thats really concerning. Ever so worried that’s what my little boy is going to be like

OP posts:
Alpacahacker · 14/08/2025 21:59

I couldn’t hack nursery settling with my eldest. I was called to collect her when she had a settling in session because she had cried so much she had a nose bleed. We changed to a childminder and it was a lot better. Both of mine have been fine starting preschool at 3 (with some occasional tears at drop off but nothing like the awful settling in sessions age 1). Mine are both sensitive, sensible children and still dislike chaos but they’re ok with school.

JollyHostess101 · 14/08/2025 21:58

littlebopeep1991 · 14/08/2025 21:51

This gives me a bit of hope! The staff in the room basically just said have we got family that could take him which I know they mean well but isn’t helpful!

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To be honest if it was just me I would of pulled her out when we had that meeting but it was DH who stood firm and said to keep trying! And magically one day it must just clicked….. one morning they took a bit longer to open the door and she was banging on it to be let in- I also cried buckets that morning too!

I was in bits literally was going to give up my very new and very part time job, thought our little one had something wrong with her all sorts- frankly was the hardest part of this rollercoaster we’ve been on since we had her!

Original poster
littlebopeep1991 · 14/08/2025 21:56

Poopyness · 14/08/2025 21:53

I had this with my child. I pulled her after about 3 days as I'd never seen her so upset (and never have done since).

She developed an aversion to the travel cot that she'd always been fine with before. I found out they put her in there and left her to cry. It took about 2 months to stop her being really clingy with me. She was also 13 months at the time.

We found a childminder and no problems settling there at all or at the next childminder's when the original one went on maternity leave.

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Oh your poor little one that sounds so horrible. My best friends two children are both at the nursery, and one of them is in the same class and is very happy there so I’m hoping it’s generally ok but perhaps the setting is too big for him

OP posts:
TickyandTacky · 14/08/2025 21:55

littlebopeep1991 · 14/08/2025 21:51

This gives me a bit of hope! The staff in the room basically just said have we got family that could take him which I know they mean well but isn’t helpful!

Show quote history

Not helpful no but when they have settled dozens of children they have experience.

I had this last year, it took about 4 months before the screaning stopped completely and a year later he still doesnt sleep independently and he's 2yo now. It's very hard work for me as a cm because I have others to care for too.

Poopyness · 14/08/2025 21:53

littlebopeep1991 · 14/08/2025 21:45

we have settled into the routine of dad dropping him off because I found it really hard seeing how upset he was an know how important it is for him to not see me be worried about nursery. Prior to trying nursery he would take a few minutes to warm to people but would very quick let me pass him to people, I genuinely had no concerns that he would have an issue at nursery because of this. He is now so so upset if I walk away from him a few metres. I’ve tried leaving him in a room with my best friend who he has seen at least three trimes a week since he was born and absolutely loves. Prior to nursery he would be oblivious to me being around, since nursery he won’t let me out of his sight or leave my side. It’s heartbreaking to see, it’s really unsettled him I feel so cruel

I had this with my child. I pulled her after about 3 days as I'd never seen her so upset (and never have done since).

She developed an aversion to the travel cot that she'd always been fine with before. I found out they put her in there and left her to cry. It took about 2 months to stop her being really clingy with me. She was also 13 months at the time.

We found a childminder and no problems settling there at all or at the next childminder's when the original one went on maternity leave.

Original poster
littlebopeep1991 · 14/08/2025 21:53

TickyandTacky · 14/08/2025 21:49

4 hours of screaming? That's not good at all for him. His cortisol levels would be sky high.

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Yes exactly, hence not leaving him the full days he’s actually meant to be there, absolutely breaks me

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Original poster
littlebopeep1991 · 14/08/2025 21:51

JollyHostess101 · 14/08/2025 21:48

Oh and nursery manager said they’d only had one child as upset as ours and he was pulled out and went back for preschool!!

This gives me a bit of hope! The staff in the room basically just said have we got family that could take him which I know they mean well but isn’t helpful!

OP posts:
RH1234 · 14/08/2025 21:50

Once their use to it, they will love it. We had to do some trial sessions, then eventually was leaving her for longer.

I remember one day being told to wait around the corner, she was upset to say bye, once I went round the corner she was happily playing.

It just takes persistence. If after a while, they’re not getting better, maybe explore a different setting.