Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Help! What should au pairs get in London? URGENT

380 replies

majorstress · 17/01/2005 09:00

I'm paying £80 pocket money, all food, own room with new tv, dvd and radio. 3 x 3 hours English classes a week, just paid £137 for 12 weeks. Original agreement was this would rise to £100 this month, but hours were from 2:30 to 8 pm, 2 kids one at school one at FULLTIME nursery. She has talked me into letting her knock off at 6:30, and to let her off most of the housework which is ironing. The other housework is done to the minimum, very passive and helpless about everything, doesn't seem to know how to change a bed, or hoover, or cook despite talking about it all the time. I am finding myself working non-stop doing housework as well as a full time job, and failing dismally at coping with either, with continual colds and a back injury. Now she wants me to honor the £100 part of the deal. Am I a mug? a slavedriver? Should I find someone else? Quit my job? Kill myself?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Original poster
majorstress · 14/02/2005 16:08

I have worried slightly about posting all this, but she wouldn't be able to follow the language at all. All her emailing is in Magyar, and she isn't getting much access now anyway as I am in bed in the room with the PC. She has U2 tickets to book and friends to chat with!

OP posts:
Original poster
majorstress · 14/02/2005 16:05

Aha! but in an ideal world you should be able to explain how to close the containers, and why, and then that is something you have taught her, which she needs to know for her own sake. Or the ironing of the shirts- my dh once made MY cleaner leave abruptly, to my fury with him, by criticising the collars folded wrong. But why couldn't she take it? He isn't a nasty person, it would have been pretty meek knowing him, though I wasn't there.

How do you tell someone they are doing something wrong, without losing your cool, or theirs??? I don't seem to be able to do this. You don't want them cringing and slinking around, but you don't want them getting stroppy with you either, and you start sounding like a persnickety old biddy.

OP posts:
Uwila · 14/02/2005 12:44

yes, I too have thought that I should have been an au pair. Too late now!

Taking your little darling to swimming is actually her job, and isn't worthy of special praise. It is however grounds for dismissal. You might want to site it when you give her notice of her pending departure.

PS Do you ever wonder if your au pair is on mumsnet? Sometime when I have little rants I think, oh jeez hope she never sees that. Overall, I like her. But I do have my gripes here and there. She doesn't close packages of foos very well before she puts them back in the fridge/freezer, so they of course go off faster. Drives my bonkers! But, the DD comes along speaking new words and telling me things I never would have dreamt she could comprehend. And I remember that dried out frozen spinach and shirts that are poorlyironed aren't really much to complain about.

Your AP, on the other hand, should be booted with pleasure...

Original poster
majorstress · 14/02/2005 11:49

that's great about the junk food too. It is so hard to keep the giant tide of sugar fat and salt from lapping up over the front door threshold. (I am not kidding)

OP posts:
Original poster
majorstress · 14/02/2005 11:48

Yeah, dh has a point. ooh you lucky thing, that is just what I dreamed an ap would do-actually I think I ASSUMED they would-because that's what I would do myself if I had the job; and that was my unrealistic fantasy about what I would be doing as a mum. (More Hollow Laughter) It seems like a wonderful job really, wish I could have done it way back when... WHY on earth would anyone want to sit around on their bottom in a suburb, watching bored kids get more so????? I am starting to hate this poor girl. Put it down to post-operative end-of-euphoria crankiness.

Will definitely be asking leading questions about what they think is a good thing to do, eat, play etc. for ages 2 and 4. I have a long list of questions. So far contacting the Estonian is not working, so I am on the verge of forgetting all non-English-speaking experienced ones, who are not up for getting themselves here in a couple of weeks, and even if they are only for the fairly short term, for now. It would be worth it to get my life back underway again.

OP posts:
Uwila · 14/02/2005 09:57

Hiya, much as I hate to ever give credit to anyone's DH , that sounds like a wise idea. It also puts greater emphasis on your au pair / nanny's willingness to attend outside activities. Hello swimming class!!

I just sign DD up for activities and then tell nanny where to go. As a a general rule, I try not to put them on a train/bus connection. But if they can get there with a single journey which has no changes, then off they go...

It might be worth asking in the phone interview what activities she finds appropriate for a x year old, and see if potential AP has any ideas. For example, my nanny this morning mentioned to me that Jo Jingles is cancelled tomorrow, and would it be alright if they went swimming instead? I definitely took a mental note that she was taking initative to provide a suitable activity for DD rather than sit around the house and watch Nick Jr.

Remember that this person will guide DD2's entertainment, education, social atmosphere for a good part of the week. So, her personality will be ever so important.

Good luck. Good luck. Good luck.

(BTW, Estonians have a fairly basic and healthful diet, so the tendancy to run for cookies, cakes, and other sugary fatty treats is often not second nature to them)

Original poster
majorstress · 14/02/2005 09:45

DH has pretty much talked me into abandoning the work nursery we have for 2 full days a week for dd2-though this is fairly irreversible as very long waiting list- so the AP would get DD2 for two full days as well as the three half days already set out. It would let me get into work quicker and so I could leave on time-and certainly easier on back. It's astonishing how tough and time consuming nursery collection is. It is also very expensive and the money saved would be a welcome resource to deploy in a better way, more pocket money for better person, or whatever. I feel sorry about it though, and worried about being so AP dependent- but I guess we already are and these complicatd arrangements are too sapping of my limited energy.

OP posts:
Original poster
majorstress · 14/02/2005 09:39

Gawd, don't some people have a cheek??? Free babysitting indeed. On my part, in hunting the Estonian bandersnatch, I have now managed to get an answerphone in a strange Germanic language, maybe that was hers?? Anyway on your good suggestion Ameriscot I have just revised my contract to be a job spec instead -I need someone to REPLACE me- well I can't suddenly b*gger off, or leap from my sickbed, just because it is now 5:30 pm on a Wednesday as specified in the contract. Also it's pay at the end of the month, but only one week's notice to get lost. So, it's much less specific and should allow me to get back on track, and then concessions I will be able to make as I recover will be seen in their appropriate light-i.e. VERY VERY costly to me as a person who is beginning to feel utterly uunloved and unappreciated. Inertia spent the whole day in her room on Sat, my first day out of hospital, for 36 hours, without a single word to anyone, and on Sun left without a word at 9 am and returned at 10 pm having spent a fabulous day (she was excited enough to speak!) in Chinatown. As we struggled to soothe DD2 to sleep (missing dd1 in next bed), inertia with her usual sense and tact, came in and told us all about it, and then asked for help with online booking U2 tickets for the summer(meaning me to use my credit card, which is ok, I can deduct it form the pocket money). I refuse to feel guilty that I am going to sack her ASAP-I have been trying to see a Chinese lion dance myself-whinge moan-complain for over 5 years now. I never ever thought I would be jealous of my au pair and her freedom and "little" pocket money of over £100 a week- but it really makes me and DH feel like complete slaves, with nothing to show for it.

OP posts:
Tanzie · 14/02/2005 08:58

I agree with Uwila . Age more important than number (unless you have 10 or something like that), I wouldn't expect to pay any more for two than one - though when friends have asked if they can leave their child with my nanny/au pair, I always make them pay the usual babysitting rate (and some of them were shocked that I asked them to pay her!).

Uwila · 14/02/2005 08:28

I would rate the age of the children more than the number of them. I think 18 months is a lot more work than a 5 year old. Or, I suppose if I were to have 5 kids, than I would offer more. But I think your two are fair.

However, if she raises the issue, I would be willing to discuss/negotiate.

Did you manage to talk to her last night? How did it go?

Original poster
majorstress · 14/02/2005 07:58

OK, you experienced and careful AP owner/managers, does she get more money for looking after 2 kids than one, and how much more? (just give a percentage if you are too embarrassed to admit how mean/overgenerous you are). How much extra per extra kid?

OP posts:
Original poster
majorstress · 13/02/2005 20:14

It's the Contented Child's Food Bible or something like that.

OP posts:
Uwila · 13/02/2005 16:40

What's the Gina Ford book you have? (don't worry if you don't have it handy, sorting out how to call Estonia id probably at more important right now).

Uwila · 13/02/2005 16:37

What do you mean how do you phone estonia?

Original poster
majorstress · 13/02/2005 15:29

Help! how do I phone estonia? nothing seems to work

OP posts:
Original poster
majorstress · 12/02/2005 17:48

Yeah, Uwila,that's true about the unapproved snax; my opinion of Inertia keeps sinking lower. That approch to make non-eaters eat is a very good one IMHO too, but you need everyone involved with your child to be on board, and trustworthy. I have a book by Gina Ford and someone from Great Ormond St with more advice if you'd like to borrow it. DD2 is shouting for me to go eat my dinner now!!!

OP posts:
Bucksmum · 12/02/2005 16:38

Latest episode from our aupair. I came back from work yesterday. AP was taking my 2 kids to swimming lessons but had left backdoor and garage open! Mentioned it to her when she got ack and she told me that she hadn't gone out but my 8 year old had. then procedded to get in major strop when i told he it was her responsibility to lock up the house not by daughters! ALso has gone away for the weekned leaving kids wet washing in washing machine for me to sort out!

Uwila · 12/02/2005 13:43

Majorstress, I have to add that the person you have described on here (Inertia) is NOT ideal for young babies/toddlers. Treats before dinner? I would have to kill her if she did that with my DD, who is a mserable eater. We have found that the only way to get her to eat a meal is to make sure she is positively starving when it is served. And, you have to give the meal in sections, starting with the food groups you want her to eat (i.e. veg), and ending with the ones she wants to eat (i.e. yoghurt).

I think Ameriscot makes a very important point about her being around to supervise. You on the other hand aren't in much of a position to supervise anyone. So, I think that makes checking up on references doubly important for you. Sorry if I sound like I think I'm your mother. I just like to share my experience with others in hopes that it prevents them from having the same pleasure.

Ameriscot2005 · 12/02/2005 13:12

The references I had for my Polish au pair were all glowing which did not describe her skills and attitudes at all.

I did not take up references for my current au pair (she's 19, so I didn't think she'd have much "history"), but was determined to be fairly ruthless if there was anything dubious or incompetent about her. She's been with us for 3 weeks now and is everything au pair should be.

I might feel differently if I was WOH, but with my being around I am able to keep an eye on her.

Tiggus · 12/02/2005 12:06

I am SO with Tanzie, as you know from my previous postings.

Last warning story I heard was from my uncle who is a bit of an ageing casanova (!!) who had written all the refs for his Polish girlfriend so that she could get an au-pairing job as a fill-in while he went to Spain for a few months.

Needless to say I told him what I thought of that, but neither of them seemed to see any harm as in their opinion childcare is easy and Hania was more than up to the job ... hmmm .

Anyway despite all my doom-mongering GOOD LUCK, and all the luck of the Irish ... !

Tanzie · 11/02/2005 20:55

I was in e-mail contact with a girl who seemed great. She had a fantastic reference, really glowing, from an English family she had au paired for. I was on the verge of telephone i/v and poss offering her the job, but rang her referee first, who said the girl was an absolute nightmare, very difficult to live with, two of her kids hated her, she did the bare minimum and brought home a long string of Afghan refugee boyfriends who had to be kicked out of the house as it appeared at one point that a couple had moved in and were sleeping in her room!

Never believe a written reference.

Uwila · 11/02/2005 20:31

I think there is great value in actually talking to a former employer. Although, if they don't speak English that's rather difficult. I hot luck with current nanny. She had worked for an English couple who were and are living in Estonia. So obviously they speak English. I spoke with the mother and everything she told me about current nanny is totally true.

I just wouldn't want you to go through finding out vavoom is another inertia (btw, love their names)

Sounds like the end is finally in sight. Good luck!!

Original poster
majorstress · 11/02/2005 20:13

WEll I have checked the references...but what are they worth really? They were basically accurate about Inertia, she is ideal for very young babies or little pre-school kids who need quiet and dullness, and whose parents want them to stay indoors all the time, and I have friends who are parents like that... I have yet to telephone interview Vavoom as I am waiting for Inertia to go out (unusually she's at home), but Miss V sounds better by far than any others we've had or interviewed, and on par with my original choice who didn;t get her visa. Might press DH to do some of it, for him they seem to let down their guard and say stuff like, how nice English boyfriends or husbands would be (he's Irish so that's the end of them!).

OP posts:
Uwila · 11/02/2005 17:36

Have you checked references? Lidka appeared to be fantastic when I talked to her. She was attentive. She answered e-mails toroughly and promptly. Seemed a nice catholic girl. After she arrived, she said she had a fiance and then I found out she would flirt with anything that had 3 legs.

Please please please check references thoroughly... for your sake.

Original poster
majorstress · 11/02/2005 17:30

she's 22 I think. fab English, very active and sporty, does everything without being told, raised her younger brother herself, and was too lonely and bored in a remote Danish village, though they would like her back.

OP posts: