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Original poster

Would you listen to your child on this?

38 replies

justherenowso · 01/03/2025 13:04

My son is 4 and starts school in September. He attends a nursery for two days a week and also goes to a childminder for one day. The childminder was always a bit of additional hassle as I had to provide a packed lunch but I didn’t mind as he seemed to be happy. Now he isn’t. He gets quite upset if you mention going.

I am tempted to just put him in nursery for an additional day but I don’t want to mess him about with only a few months to go. I guess it’s a bit of a WWYD? The last thing I want is to cause any disruption to him.

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littleluncheon · 04/03/2025 09:31

It seems like the issue is more yours and how you feel than anything else.
I'd do whatever you feel happiest with - I really doubt it will have as much impact on your DS or the childminder either way.

Original poster
justherenowso · 04/03/2025 09:05

Yes; he’s made vague references to another child being rough but this child is someone he used to be very close to. I know relationships can be fickle at this age and that’s why I don’t want a knee jerky response when ideally he’d finish the year nicely with a ‘graduation’ and nice feeling, otherwise it feels very abrupt and not entirely pleasant for either party.

Equally I don’t want to ignore DS. Difficult one!

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NameChangedOfc · 04/03/2025 08:52

I think us mothers don't have the luxury of not being disruptive when we have children.
Have you asked him what's wrong?

Original poster
justherenowso · 04/03/2025 08:22

There isn’t, but my decision isn’t going to be based on that. I would prefer to give my decision as an established fact, mostly because I don’t like bad feeling and I know I’d be very quickly persuaded to stay if the CM expressed disappointment or sadness, and she’s a nice person and probably would.

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jannier · 04/03/2025 08:03

As I said you won't know if they have noticed if you don't talk to them they may have been noting it in their concerns and monitoring him waiting to see before they talk to you. He may no longer fit for them either but they don't want to give you a problem for the last term.
I don't get why there is a problem talking.

Original poster
justherenowso · 04/03/2025 05:13

No one is saying you are money grabbing. But it is a business and will naturally want to retain custom.

It is unlikely he presents as unhappy. At most he’ll be quieter than he normally is. One of my concerns actually is that they haven’t really noticed him being withdrawn. But it’s a busy setting and he only goes once a week.

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jannier · 03/03/2025 21:05

justherenowso · 03/03/2025 14:55

It’s ultimately my decision though @jannier and with respect she isn’t likely to do that, as she would probably struggle to fill the place between now and school time. There is really no ‘then you’ about it. My preference would probably be to have DS at nursery just because it’s easier for me but for that reason I am mindful of not imposing my feelings on him if you like.

But the only way to makes decision is to find out what is happening and talk most of us are not money grabbing and prefer children to be in the best place for them nobody wants an unhappy 4 year old one day a week may just be insufficient for him so better to move.

Ilovethewild · 03/03/2025 17:07

@justherenowso

your comment about the ending being sudden, struck a chord with me.

often as adults we have feelings and thoughts about situations when for the child it is vastly different.

you feel bad about a sudden change
your ds feels happy he doesn’t have to return somewhere he didn’t like

put your thoughts to one side, your ds is unhappy and has communicated something about another child, focus on that, not so much on yr adult thoughts about ‘endings’ needing to be a certain way.

it will be fine to change back to nursery if space, its familiar and comfortable for ds

Original poster
justherenowso · 03/03/2025 16:55

@littleluncheon i suppose I’m wondering what others would do. How much away to put on a four year olds views, really. And I do feel awful that it’s a sudden ending really.

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littleluncheon · 03/03/2025 15:59

justherenowso · 03/03/2025 14:55

It’s ultimately my decision though @jannier and with respect she isn’t likely to do that, as she would probably struggle to fill the place between now and school time. There is really no ‘then you’ about it. My preference would probably be to have DS at nursery just because it’s easier for me but for that reason I am mindful of not imposing my feelings on him if you like.

Difficult to know what you're actually asking here if you and your DS would both prefer the nursery, and you don't want to try to work with the childminder about it. Just give your contracted notice and move on.
I can't imagine losing a 4 year old one day a week will be that big a deal to the childminder especially as it's a bigger setting and a 4 year old isn't very profitable.

Original poster
justherenowso · 03/03/2025 14:55

It’s ultimately my decision though @jannier and with respect she isn’t likely to do that, as she would probably struggle to fill the place between now and school time. There is really no ‘then you’ about it. My preference would probably be to have DS at nursery just because it’s easier for me but for that reason I am mindful of not imposing my feelings on him if you like.

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jannier · 03/03/2025 14:52

justherenowso · 03/03/2025 13:02

I haven’t yet. I don’t want it to sound as if I’m accusing her of anything which of course I’m not. I don’t need childcare for holidays so that isn’t an issue.

Then you start working together ask how he seems explain he's not keen at the moment and see if she's noticed it doesn't have to be criticism she may actually say I think he would be better at nursery.

Original poster
justherenowso · 03/03/2025 14:36

It’s a bit of a funny one @CatStoleMyChocolate because it’s actually quite big - there’s a few childminders so I’ve said child minder and nursery to distinguish between them but there’s not actually an enormous difference in terms of number of children (the nursery is bigger but the children in DS’s room total about twenty I think and the childminder has about fifteen.)

He used to be as thick as thieves with another little boy but he’s been saying that this boy has hurt him and that he’s a bit rough. But then doesn’t really give tangible details.

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CatStoleMyChocolate · 03/03/2025 14:36

Don’t feel bad - he would have been finishing with the childminder within a few months anyway and that relationship would come to an end. It feels like the end of a stage (which it is) - but if it's right for him, you just have to focus on that.

CatStoleMyChocolate · 03/03/2025 14:34

He may have outgrown the setting, OP. We had a bit of this with my four year old - he was almost a year older than the next oldest child at the childminder’s. For various reasons we had limited options for childcare so we stuck with it and added in some preschool sessions.

In hindsight I think he was quite bored and unhappy during that last year, especially during the last few months, and if I’d had another option available, I would have moved him. In your situation, I wouldn’t hesitate.

Original poster
justherenowso · 03/03/2025 14:34

The day is a Friday which is the quietest day at nursery, so there’s almost certainly space. I guess I just feel a bit bad because it feels like an abrupt ending rather than a natural one (with school.)

I think he’d have to keep going throughout march but then ‘finish’ and he could start at nursery on Fridays from mid April due to Easter holidays. It makes sense. It’s just that very abrupt ending that is a bit of a shame and makes me feel bad.

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SummerHouse · 03/03/2025 14:16

I would absolutely go for an extra day in nursery. It's not really disruptive (to him anyway) as he is already there. If anything it's less disruptive. I think this is more about having to cancel the childminder (which I get, I hate tricky conversations). But best thing to do is tell them straight that he is unhappy there, possibly because of another child.

longestlurkerever · 03/03/2025 14:14

Are you contractually tied in to the childminder? Is there space at nursery? I understand not wanting to hurt her feelings. Perhaps a white lie that you think am extra day at nursery will get him more ready for full time school.

I agree there's a difference between listening and believe here - there's nothing to believe or not believe - the q you are asking us how much weight to put on ds's (apparent) preference. You might not have much of a choice if there's no space at nursery or you are tied in and sometimes our kids just have to put up with things but here it sounds like all the factors are in favour of switching to nursery if it's a possibility

Original poster
justherenowso · 03/03/2025 14:07

I think it’s mostly issues with another child but even this isn’t hugely clear.

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NuffSaidSam · 03/03/2025 14:03

How long has he been not wanting to go? If it's been a while I would take him out and put him in for another nursery day. If he's previously been happy and this is sudden I would talk to the cm to see if you can solve it first. Like you say, kids are fickle and you don't want to disrupt everything and next week he decides he doesn't like nursery anymore.

Is he able to say why it is he doesn't like about going to the childminders?

Original poster
justherenowso · 03/03/2025 13:59

It’s firstly because he’s four and four year olds are fickle.

Then there’s no wanting to disrupt the routine this close to him leaving anyway.

I don’t want the CM to feel we’re being rude I suppose; she’s done a lot for him although equally I haven’t been thrilled about some other stuff. Mostly it’s not wanting to disrupt things I guess.

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littleluncheon · 03/03/2025 13:56

If it's no extra hassle to send him to nursery an extra day, and he wants to do that, I'd just do that. I'm not sure what the dilemma is really.

Jade520 · 03/03/2025 13:15

No point paying for him to go somewhere he doesn't want to when there's another option he likes better. He's probably just outgrown the childminders.

Original poster
justherenowso · 03/03/2025 13:02

I haven’t yet. I don’t want it to sound as if I’m accusing her of anything which of course I’m not. I don’t need childcare for holidays so that isn’t an issue.

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jannier · 03/03/2025 12:59

What will you do for the 14 weeks school is shut?
Have you asked the CMS opinion?