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Original poster

Very worried about child with nanny - any advice? Long post!!

215 replies

Possiblyparanoid · 12/04/2008 03:16

I'm in a really awkward situation. We have had our nanny almost a year and have 3 children, the eldest two are fine with the nanny but have said nanny has become quite strict. The youngest who is 2.5 has for the last couple of months become increasingly upset when the nanny comes. She will start crying when she hears the nanny's voice and has gone from clinging to us and crying, and most recently saying "no not (nannys name)" when nanny arrives to begging to go to bed, even twice has tearfully asked to put clothes on if the nanny has come whilst getting dressed, and once at a meal time had got down from the table but ran back to it and started eating when the nanny arrived.

My partner watched the nanny force food into her mouth last week until she was sick - but stupidly didnt say anything and this week when the nanny arrived I said that the baby really didnt seem to like them at the mo but didnt understand why - the nanny looked uncomfortable but offered no explanation. I have heard the nanny shouting at her on serveral occassions.

It has gotten to the point where we feel terrible leaving our daughter alone with the nanny particularly as the elder 2 are often not around.

The nanny is leaving us in 3 months but I dont think I can cope with seeing our little one so distressed during this time. She is normally so happy, playful & sociable and loves her other babysitter but is totally different when the nanny is here, she seems withdrawn.

My hubby & I have spent the last 2 months saying to each other not to jump to conclusions but something is seriously wrong here. Has anyone got any advice? I have to give one months notice to end contact but wouldn't even know what to say.

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sparklyfairypie · 12/04/2008 10:35

as a nanny i have to say - omg get rid of him

MummyDoIt · 12/04/2008 09:30

Force-feeding until your child is sick? Sorry, but I'd have sacked him on the spot.

Janni · 12/04/2008 09:29

A 2.5 year old tells you SO MUCH by their behaviour. Your DH has actually witnessed mistreatment and you can tell that things are very very wrong.

You have to be very adult about this and deal with an uncomfortable situation for the sake of your child's wellbeing. DH and you should do it together. I would do anything to avoid leaving your little one with hime again.

Good luck - I'm sure this is a very difficult one for you to deal with x

LynetteScavo · 12/04/2008 09:25

You are not paranoid. As others have said, sack him,(immediately), and get a temp' nanny if neccessary. Even if it ends up costing you a lot more money than you would normally pay for child care, please don't leave your children with him any more.

KaySamuels · 12/04/2008 09:21

Erm you are not possiblyparanoid this situation sounds awful for your LO. Have you brought up with nanny the food forcing incident?? That alone would be grounds for instant dismissal IMO, no childcarer I know would dream of doing that and would find the thought as horrible and upsetting as I do.

Do you have anyone who could have your dd short notice? Try emergency childcare website and place your youngest with a cm, tbh I think you need to tckle this now. Your dd is telling you she is unhappy, your dd has witnessed unprofessional behaviour, at the end of the day you owe it to your dd to make things better for her. Whether this is taking time off, finding alternative care, or sorting with nanny (I would not consider this option btw). Hope you work something out soon.

FrannyandZooey · 12/04/2008 09:20

I'm also wondering how you can bear to leave your dc with this person

sounds like gross misconduct to me - force feeding and shouting is never ok behaviour for a nanny - get rid

edam · 12/04/2008 09:18

Sack him - pay him off if necessary or check the contract of employment. The relationship between nanny, child and parent has broken down irretrievably. I really, really wouldn't leave my child with someone who terrifies and torments them - forcing food in until she was sick? Horrifying.

Call a nanny agency and get someone temporary in while you recruit a new nanny.

nannyL · 12/04/2008 08:59

urmmm

WHY are you STILL leaving your child with this person after posting that?

laura032004 · 12/04/2008 06:34

Sorry to hear your story

If this has already been going on for 2 months, then I'm sure you can't cope with it for another 3 months.

If not working is not an option, could you afford two lots of childcare? Maybe a childminder and pay your current nanny's notice period?

Why is he leaving in 3 months anyway? Could this be linked to the current problem?

arfishy · 12/04/2008 06:29

Oops! Yes, apologies. My nannies have always been female so I just automatically said 'she'.

You definitely need to deal with this, and it will be a huge pain.

Is the fact that having no childcare is going to be a huge problem affecting your decision to deal with this?

What will happen if he leaves? Next week what would you have to do?

I've found that if you are suddenly in that situation you do manage to deal with things, no matter how awful the prospect seems beforehand.

Original poster
Possiblyparanoid · 12/04/2008 06:15

Hi I know I was trying not to state either way but realised I was only confusing myself lol

Yes I did mention it to the nanny this week but he thought it was because she didnt like his routines. He sees her reaction and tells her to stop being silly, but then I suppose we all do as I think everyone finds it awkward.

That's true, maybe I should sit him down and say she is unhappy and try and establish why - just part of me is worried he may be nastier to her when we are not around.

OP posts:
UnderRated · 12/04/2008 05:50

When I typed 'her', I thought I was being presumptious and that the nanny could just as easily be a 'he' but I put 'she' anyway

Can you talk to the nanny and ask if anything has changed? Is he is ok? If he notices any difference?

At least by having that conversation, things might improve while you look for someone else.

Original poster
Possiblyparanoid · 12/04/2008 05:43

I don't know what it is but it's getting me more upset as the weeks have gone on and I realise it's not just a phase.

My problem is neither my hubby or I can work from home, it's just not an option as self employed so no income if off work.

It's really difficult because we try and see the best in ppl so keep coming up with silly reasons as t why she is behaving like this but to be honest its breaking our hearts as we know something is not right at all.

BTW nanny is a he - sorry thought I'd just mention that as I was confusing myself when I read ur replies referring to she!

OP posts:
arfishy · 12/04/2008 04:47

It sounds like your 2.5 year old is terrified. What on earth is she doing to make a toddler behave in this way?

It's easy to say "Fire Her!" but I do understand your position.

You will need to talk to her and say that you're unhappy with how strict she is and that unless she doesn't change you don't feel that she should continue. Personally, at that point I would arrange to work from home so I can supervise for a week or two.

It will be awkward, but I really feel that you need to do it for the sake of your DC.

UnderRated · 12/04/2008 03:46

I think you know what you have to do. I don't know how you say it.

I hope you find someone lovely to replace her. And quickly.

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