Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Very worried about child with nanny - any advice? Long post!!

215 replies

Possiblyparanoid · 12/04/2008 03:16

I'm in a really awkward situation. We have had our nanny almost a year and have 3 children, the eldest two are fine with the nanny but have said nanny has become quite strict. The youngest who is 2.5 has for the last couple of months become increasingly upset when the nanny comes. She will start crying when she hears the nanny's voice and has gone from clinging to us and crying, and most recently saying "no not (nannys name)" when nanny arrives to begging to go to bed, even twice has tearfully asked to put clothes on if the nanny has come whilst getting dressed, and once at a meal time had got down from the table but ran back to it and started eating when the nanny arrived.

My partner watched the nanny force food into her mouth last week until she was sick - but stupidly didnt say anything and this week when the nanny arrived I said that the baby really didnt seem to like them at the mo but didnt understand why - the nanny looked uncomfortable but offered no explanation. I have heard the nanny shouting at her on serveral occassions.

It has gotten to the point where we feel terrible leaving our daughter alone with the nanny particularly as the elder 2 are often not around.

The nanny is leaving us in 3 months but I dont think I can cope with seeing our little one so distressed during this time. She is normally so happy, playful & sociable and loves her other babysitter but is totally different when the nanny is here, she seems withdrawn.

My hubby & I have spent the last 2 months saying to each other not to jump to conclusions but something is seriously wrong here. Has anyone got any advice? I have to give one months notice to end contact but wouldn't even know what to say.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Original poster
Possiblyparanoid · 12/04/2008 15:59

Yes Flynnie of course I am which is why I posted seeking advice.

OP posts:
imananny · 12/04/2008 15:59

why is your nanny leaving in 3 months time?

just curious and nosey

think holiday is 1.3 days a month? so depends if has had any holidays in the past year - sure they have, whether yours or theirs

check your contract and then pay 4weeks etc

if it were not for the force feeding incident - would you still be happy for nanny to stay?

my charges run across living room to the front door when they hear my key go in the lock and fling their arms round me&kiss me

i think the fact your youngest is unhappy with your nanny, but happy to stay with the other babysitter, proves they are not trying it on as mummies going to work

ThingOne · 12/04/2008 15:57

For heaven's sake woman "only I am am the employer". Stop being so wet. Your children, your employee. Even one incident of mistreatment should be questioned immediately. You don't sit on these things and let them fester.

You've clearly been waiting for somebody to say this and nobody has yet - but surely your 2.5 yr old's safety is more important than a week's income for one of you?

Original poster
Possiblyparanoid · 12/04/2008 15:57

WRT hubby not speaking to nanny str8 away he said he didn't know whether to or not

I have just spoken to hubby and he said the nanny pushed too much food into her mouth while she already had food in it and she gagged and the food all came back out - appears she did not actually vomit from the stomach - not that really makes any difference.

This is our first nanny.

OP posts:
NotABanana · 12/04/2008 15:56

You are being an idiot.

Your nanny made your child sick.

Your child is terrified of the nanny.

This person needs to never be in charge of your children again and if you let them, don't bother asking me for advice when your child has future problems.

You really have to put your kids before your job.

FWIW When I was a nanny I was asked to leave because they didn't feel I had the authority to potty train the child in future as I didn't make him wear his mittens in the cold. I figured it wasn't worth forcing the issue (I had only been there a few days) and he would soon change his mind when we went out.

My point is I got sacked for a lot less.

Flynnie · 12/04/2008 15:56

Bestbear
It seems to have all relevent infor here btw.

nannynick · 12/04/2008 15:51

You would need to work out the leaving date (so end of the month's notice period) and calculate if there was any holiday owed - as far as I am aware.

The other option is to terminate based on Gross Misconduct. As your employee has been with you for under a year, they most likely will not be able to claim unfair dismissal. But you need to go through the disciplinary procedures, which could mean suspending them on full pay while you talk with them and others involved to establish what actually happened.

Flynnie · 12/04/2008 15:49

PP are you not outraged on your childs behalf?
Don't the legal ramifications come secondary to your child?
What has your dh got to say about it?

Original poster
Possiblyparanoid · 12/04/2008 15:46

Yes well thats what I am worried about CoteDAzur and hercules. I must stress that apart from hearing him raising her voice at her on previous occassions I have not witnessed anything that I felt was bad conduct.

OP posts:
nannynick · 12/04/2008 15:46

Disciplinary and Grievance Procedures - may be a useful booklet, talks about disciplinary procedures, formal warnings, gross misconduct.

Original poster
Possiblyparanoid · 12/04/2008 15:43

Yes hubby was in the room but I was not - not sure if it makes any difference but only I am the nanny's employer on the contract. I'm going to dig out the contract in a minute. I certainly dont want any legal ramifications so reading some of your posts I'm considering the payment in lieu of notice - would the holidays cease accumulating immediately if I did that? Just trying to get an idea of how much I need to pay in total.

OP posts:
hercules1 · 12/04/2008 15:43

I am going to leave this thread now as it's too upsetting.

imananny · 12/04/2008 15:42

you are entitled to get rid of your nanny for no real reason(though force feeding is more than a good enough reason,esp as DH saw it/was there) PROVIDING you do as contract says, so if it say pay a months notice, then i would call them up, say that their services are not needed anymore and just pay the 4 weeks money outright.

That way, you are still within your rights, plus nanny cant get arsey over legal rights, as you have given them notice, and you are paying them, just they are not working the notice out iyswim

PLEASE PLEASE do not let this person continue to look after your children.

Assume you willNOT be giving them a reference

hercules1 · 12/04/2008 15:42

Sorry I just dont get why your husband didnt just frog march him out of the house on witnessing this. You must know it's wrong if you were considering giving a verbal warning. Personally if I felt I had to issue warnings to someone looking after my children because of cruel acts then they'd be out the door. It's not like they were late several times hence the warning.

missiesparkles · 12/04/2008 15:40

There are no bloody legal issues here. Force. Feeding. Your. Child. GROSS MISCONDUCT. No notice, no warning, get the fuck out of my house. Its quite simple really.
I am absolutely flabbergasted you are even allowing this person to be in your home, let alone be 'look after' (I use the term very loosely) your DC!! If you have a contract, one of the terms of gross misconduct should be "causing a disruptive influence in the household" so there you go.
Also - Your DH!! Did he not think what he saw was wrong?!!

Original poster
Possiblyparanoid · 12/04/2008 15:39

That's a fair point hercules but I did not witness it myself and having learned about the incident a week later I was not sure how to handle it. On my hubby telling me about it yesterday morn I did think about giving a verbal warning but then began to think that I didn't actually want this childcare to continue.

Yes did think about a nannycam but am aware you must not do without ppl's knowledge.

Nannynick, I'm just outside London. And yes I think this about the nanny being stricter with routines than us - I am most certainly not suggesting anything else but felt it relevant to mention the things that my daughter had said and done on nanny's arrival for work.

OP posts:
hercules1 · 12/04/2008 15:39

This nanny forcefed your child in front of your partner. What would he do when you're not there?

CoteDAzur · 12/04/2008 15:38

Fire him!

Even without the force-feeding episode, just the kids' fear of him should set alarm bells ringing. You don't know what is going on when you are not there.

nannynick · 12/04/2008 15:36

So have you decided that you will end his contract, as soon as possible?

If so, then perhaps the easy way is to pay it off - giving a months notice, with pay in lieu of notice. You could say that you have rethought your childcare needs, and have decided that you no longer require a nanny.

Where are you located, England, Scotland, Wales, NI, elsewhere?

gagarin · 12/04/2008 15:36

Forcefeeding children is "unreasonable behaviour" and in certain circumstances a child protection/abuse issue. Surely you can dismiss someone on the spot for that?

hercules1 · 12/04/2008 15:34

I thought you said in an earlier post your partner was in the room when the force feeding happened?
Surely it's very simple what you do. You tell him that you are both unhappy and concerned about the welfare of your children under his care and he is sacked.
In the meantime you manage by taking holiday, unpaid leave from work between you to arrange alternative childcare.

Original poster
Possiblyparanoid · 12/04/2008 15:31

Bink, I am saddened by your message. I have been a regular user of mumsnet for 3.5 yrs but chose to use another id for anononymity as many people on here know me.

I do not feel that I am being passive but I am not a hot head either and I feel that the nanny must be given a fair chance. This is my first nanny so perhaps I am a little naiive in these things but I also felt that legally as an employer I have to be careful.

Would you suggest I should have spoken to him about her asking to put her clothes on? I suspect it's because maybe he has told her off before for taking something off - but then I don't know.

The point is that now knowing about the sick incident, and trying to speak to the nanny about it this week with no revelation of info and DD increasingly distressed I am trying to find a way to end his contract immediately and find an alternative - I don't think this is being passive.

OP posts:
hercules1 · 12/04/2008 15:26

Surely the fact that your 21/2 year old was forcefed till she was sick is enough reason for you to sack him on the spot? Sorry but I really dont get how you can go to work knowing this is how your babies are being treated.
I wonder what your kids would want you to do? Will they thank you for being oh so careful about the legal ramifications?

Original poster
Possiblyparanoid · 12/04/2008 15:19

Thank you to all that have left constructive advice in your replies. I work nights hence just returning back to the board now. No I specifically didn't want to mention nanny's sex hence referring to him as "nanny" in OP as I felt that was irrelevent.

As I mentioned this has gradually gotten worse over recent weeks so even 3 weeks ago she was just clingy and crying - obviously that was concerning but on talking to elder 2 children it really did seem that the nanny was just a bit firmer about things that us.

WRT the sick incident I have only just found this out when discussing the situation with my hubby yesterday.

And yes the reason I have posted is because I cant bear to see her apparent unhapiness continue, and am trying to get some ideas on what I can do but need to find the most reasonable way out of my contract without any legal repurcussions.

OP posts:
onepieceoflollipop · 12/04/2008 13:48

I read the whole thread and kept thinking that I must be a horribly suspicious person because until post no. 26 everyone seemed to take it at face value. I almost typed what Bink typed word for word. It was the clothes part of it that alerted me too.

Swipe left for the next trending thread