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Very worried about child with nanny - any advice? Long post!!

215 replies

Possiblyparanoid · 12/04/2008 03:16

I'm in a really awkward situation. We have had our nanny almost a year and have 3 children, the eldest two are fine with the nanny but have said nanny has become quite strict. The youngest who is 2.5 has for the last couple of months become increasingly upset when the nanny comes. She will start crying when she hears the nanny's voice and has gone from clinging to us and crying, and most recently saying "no not (nannys name)" when nanny arrives to begging to go to bed, even twice has tearfully asked to put clothes on if the nanny has come whilst getting dressed, and once at a meal time had got down from the table but ran back to it and started eating when the nanny arrived.

My partner watched the nanny force food into her mouth last week until she was sick - but stupidly didnt say anything and this week when the nanny arrived I said that the baby really didnt seem to like them at the mo but didnt understand why - the nanny looked uncomfortable but offered no explanation. I have heard the nanny shouting at her on serveral occassions.

It has gotten to the point where we feel terrible leaving our daughter alone with the nanny particularly as the elder 2 are often not around.

The nanny is leaving us in 3 months but I dont think I can cope with seeing our little one so distressed during this time. She is normally so happy, playful & sociable and loves her other babysitter but is totally different when the nanny is here, she seems withdrawn.

My hubby & I have spent the last 2 months saying to each other not to jump to conclusions but something is seriously wrong here. Has anyone got any advice? I have to give one months notice to end contact but wouldn't even know what to say.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
LilyMunster · 12/04/2008 16:29

i think the Op has been jumped on enough now, dont you? think shes gotten the message loud and clear... adn to continue pure outrage posts is not helping anyone, the dc involved included.

the OP asked for advice on how to get rid immediately... has never had a nanny before, IS HUMAN and was not sure about what a bunch of info, in an escalating situation means.

calling her a shit mother putting work and money before her child is just plain shitty imo.

she sounds like shes doing her smeggin best here - she asked for info, and now shes got it. no need to keep kicking her now shes down.

Possiblyparanoid · 12/04/2008 16:27

Yes nannynick and Imananny that's what I was thinking.

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imananny · 12/04/2008 16:25

phone your nanny,and then send a cheq/pay into their account the notice period

then

ring around some agencies and try to arrange a temp nany, if you cant not take time off work

hercules1 · 12/04/2008 16:24

I really will leave this thread now as I cant be impartial and I agree that's not fair to you.

NotABanana · 12/04/2008 16:24

If you only found out he forced your child to take food yesterday, when did it happen, and I don't see why you can't sack him immediately with no pay tbh. I would.

NotABanana · 12/04/2008 16:23

No one has a problem with you asking for help.

I guess we are all amazed that you haven't sacked him immediately and seem more bothered about protecting yourself from legal preceedings than the well being of your child.

Possiblyparanoid · 12/04/2008 16:23

Yes hercules I have been and I was very very upset last night that he wouldn't talk to me about it and that I had to phone my mother on the other side of the world for her help and come here for advise and support instead.

I am not taking any of this lightly at all.

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hercules1 · 12/04/2008 16:23

I really will leave this thread now as I cant be impartial and I agree that's not fair to you.

nannynick · 12/04/2008 16:23

I agree that making a case for Gross Misconduct may be tricky. As your partner was present, that could have been taken as implied consent.

If paying them off is not a problem financially, then pay them to leave.
If you need to terminate on Gross Misconduct grounds, then seek professional legal advice - your employers liability insurance provider will usually have a helpline which can provide an hour's worth of advice for free.

hercules1 · 12/04/2008 16:22

That's what makes us different I guess. I wouldnt consider issues of 'fairness' in this case. DOnt see how fairness comes into it really. Bit difficult to get impartial advice on a parenting website about a this person too who is doing this to your 21/2 year old and you are dithering about what to do.

Possiblyparanoid · 12/04/2008 16:20

Hercules this is not a wind up I am simply trying to be fair. As mentioned I did not know about the force feeding until yesterday and until this point had been upset that my daughter did not like it when nanny arrived but had put it down to me going to work....I really dont understand why you have a problem with me trying to get some impartial help.

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imananny · 12/04/2008 16:18

poss par - thats what i said, as the feeding issue wasnt dealt with at the time, and your dh was there,and didnt comment, i dont think you can sack without pay

notjustmom · 12/04/2008 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hercules1 · 12/04/2008 16:18

I know I am being very nosey and judgemental but weren't you spitting feathers at your dh?

NotABanana · 12/04/2008 16:17

Get on with it!

Possiblyparanoid · 12/04/2008 16:16

this is all what i felt but just needed to hear it from ppl with an outside perspective.

As the force feeding incident wasnt dealt with at the time I'm guessing the most appropriate thing would be to give payment in lieu of notice and be done with it.

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notjustmom · 12/04/2008 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotABanana · 12/04/2008 16:13

I hope it isn't as to joke about cruelty to children is awful but I agree I hope it is, in that a child isn't being mistreated.

imananny · 12/04/2008 16:12

right so your mind has been made up - you are firing your nanny - good!!

go find your contract - read the notice period and pay the nanny off

guess in the nannys defense, they thought they werent doing anything wrong,as did it in front of your dh and he didnt comment - so sacking them for that without pay, might not work, so pay them their notice

what were you going to do about childcare in 3 mths time?

hercules1 · 12/04/2008 16:11

I know I said I wouldnt come back but..
I still dont honestly understand why you are dithering about how and when to get rid. WHy would you let someone look after your child for one minute who you say you have serious concerns over? I am still hoping this thread is a wind up.

NotABanana · 12/04/2008 16:10

So what did you post for?

Possiblyparanoid · 12/04/2008 16:09

As mentioned a few times, I do not want the nanny to continue with us - this means not returning here, so income v kids debate not necessary.

He has decided on a change of career. No, before i knew of the forcefeeding incident and him advising of new job I had already been thinking of giving him notice. I was even going to be honest and say it was because she really didn't like him.

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NotABanana · 12/04/2008 16:07

You are a mother

You love your kids

This is what you need to do -

You need to phone the nanny right now and give them immediate notice for the fact they force fed your child.

If you are feeling scared they will sue you sorry, but then pay them off the months notice and get yourself off work for a bit to resettle your child and give them back some security.

BabyBaby123 · 12/04/2008 16:05

Hi, have not joined in these kind of discussions before, just use mumsnet for offering childcare services but i just had to post.

You have to get rid of this person straight away. it sounds like there is a form of abuse going on. the child is scared stiff of him. i could not and would not leave my child even for one more day with this person regardless of not being able to go to work or him possibly taking legal action.

this is so, so wrong. if he did that while your husband was standing there what on earth is he doing to her when you are not there?

please, please sack him today. your child is being abused and i am sorry to say you are letting her down, standing by and watching it happen.

mananny · 12/04/2008 16:04

Sounds like your nanny is too forceful and strict at the very least, and a bit of a psycho monster at worst. Get rid. A 2.5yr old should be bouncy and delightful and cuddly, not shaking and crying in fear, with any caregiver they truly feel safe and loved with. That should tell you all you need to know.

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