Shall I pay my DM?

If it was interfering with her ability to take up other paid employment then I could understand it but clearly if you decide not to use her she's not going to go off and seek paid babysitting work elsewhere.

I think the whole thing sounds like a recipe for disaster and if you are going to have to pay anyway then you should look for someone else.

That’s a very good point. I don’t see an issue with paying gp’s something for regular childcare, depending on everyone’s circumstances, but this, combined with it being ok for op to financially help her mother with no return is awful.
I’d be looking for better childcare and cutting contact down a fair bit.

I can't see my mum or my MIL ever charging us for childcare. However, 3 afternoons a week is a big commitment on her part and more than just occasional babysitting.
To be honest, if my mum did this I'd probably offer a nominal sum a week to cover the costs of food etc. I think I'd also treat her sometimes to show my appreciation.
However, your mum has already received thousands from you so that does change things.
Honestly, I don't think this arrangement will work. Your mum sounds ungrateful and you will be resentful. I'd rather go with a professional childminder.
Being an armchair psychologist here - do you think you've given her so much money in an effort to buy her love? I just thought that after you said you grew up with a grandparent rather than with your mother.

Being paid for set and regular hours makes your Mum a childminder. She's straying into a bit of a grey area for needing to be registered/pay tax.
Is your Mum struggling for money?
I can see why you're a bit taken aback having assumed she was offering a favour and actually she wants to be paid.
She sounds as if she's expecting you to be more generous towards her than perhaps you can afford either. Parents shouldn't really expect their kids to subsidise them, but it happens a lot.

Were you definitely paying for her mortgage?

Rather than for example paying towards the house ie bills, food etc?

Either way, if she wanted paying she should have said in the first place that she'd look after them for a price.

If you're paying you may as well look at other options. If it's going to cause confrontation you can easily say 'if I'm paying the advantages of choosing this one is this that and the other'.

Depends on the grandmother though. This one tells OP She isn't a nice daughter after the daughter has paid £3k of her mortgage for her. I wouldn't want such a toxic person around my kids filling their heads with all sorts of nonsense like this.

My mother was my childminder when I went back to work full time. I gave her money for food. As the result of spending 18 months being looked after by her, my daughter had an incredible relationship with her grandmother. You might want to factor the benefit to your children of spending quality time with their grandmother into your decision making.

I think if she was looking for payment she should have said this up front, not offered (and raised your hopes) and then later bolted this on.

If it were me and I was able to do so, I absolutely would compensate a relative for 3 days consistent childcare. I think it's only fair but it would more likely be an agreed gift/amount each month rather than a 'per hour' arrangement to cover her time/fuel costs/feeding them etc.

If the relative was asking for market rates, I'd probably just find a childminder and not muddy the waters with money and family.

If you're paying market rates then pick someone who you can boss about a bit more!

And did she pay your grandmother when she was working?

Stop helping her financially, and use the money to pay someone to do pick up for you as pp mentioned student or ask does anyone have a retiree that would love the extra few bob and might enjoy your children.

This!
I would tell her how much she owes and that once she has worked this off you can look to start paying her if you continue.

My dc are in high school, so childcare a thing of the past for us. Regular Grandparent childcare was never an option for us, but from observing my friends and colleagues, every single arrangement that relied on grandparents broke down at some point, often very acrimoniously. Grandparents illness, grandparents not wanting to be with ill children, grandparents holidays, better offers ("I can't do Wednesdays anymore because I've joined a walking group/bridge club/naked cycling team... starting next week), grandparents get fed up... if you're going to pay, you may as well pay for a professional service that won't let you down, and save your mum for occasional evenings and weekends.

It slightly feels like your mum needs a job and this is an easy option.

Well if she wasnt trying to blackmail you I would advise covering her expenses as she shouldn't be out of pocket so covering their meals and any activities, you can also transfer your NI credits if a grandparent provides care for an under 12 to go towards her state pension - there's a very easy form for that.

In terms of her viewing this as work, opposed to the actual pick up I'm assuming she won't be providing them with activities, more being a warm body so they are supervised. Whereas you could ask a paid babysitter to d X, Y and Z with them.

I think it's best you keep family and regular childcare separate.

Say no thank you and pay a childminder who will be registered and have training and insurance etc.

Tell her she is not acting like a nice mother if she says you aren't a nice daughter. I would also point out that "not nice daughters" don't pay their mother's mortgage.

Have you ever asked her how much she paid your grandmother to practically bring you up (bet it was nothing)?

It sounds like your mum is under financial pressure. If she was a single mum earlier in life maybe she has a very low pension. Depending on her age, maybe she needs to work or claim some top up benefits? Perhaps you would be better paying for professional child care and letting your mum enjoy being a granny.

Wow. She’s a piece of work.

How much have you loaned her in total ?

It Wasn’t clear to me what you meant by this, OP?

She also told me that she doesn’t not feel grateful for my financial help to date as I do not treat her like nice daughter

I'm a grandmother and your mother is reprehensible. Absolutely shameful behaviour, it's honestly shocking.

I would politely decline her "offer" and come up with Plan B. I think I would then ask for reimbursement for the money you gave her for her mortgage.

So your mother didn't bring you up and she wants you to pay for her to look after your children? She doesn't sound like a very good mother to me. If you've got to pay someone then I would find someone else to pay.

When I went back to work I paid a couple of students at the college next to my children's school. It was two girls who chose to do it together for the one payment.

They picked up the kids from school, took them home and gave them their tea and did the homework with them. It there anyone like that in your area who could do it?

Hi mum

Thought about the babysitting point, the rate is £10 an hour ( or whatever )

As I paid £3000 (or whatever) on your mortgage during covid, I’ve got 300 hours of babysitting in hand. I’ll keep a note of when we use them - think that should cover a good 6-9 months. Thanks!