Shall I pay my DM?

Um what. You have been paying her mortgage?
Ask for that back first. Stop giving her money if she is going to be charging you dollars and cents, and says your not like a daughter (??)

Then tell you her you will be paying a proper babysitter if you need one.

@skyfly I can see a very easy way for you to reduce your current outgoings and financial concerns - stop giving your ungrateful mother money. You owe her nothing and you have been extremely generous for which she has shown no gratitude.

It sounds very much like you are trying to maintain a relationship that is very one sided. You are desperate for your mother to show you the love and affection she has for your brother and are bending over backwards to try to make that happen. Unfortunately there is nothing you can say, nothing you can do and no amount of money you can give her that will result in her becoming the loving and caring mother you want her to be. She is who she is and however hurtful that may be you need to accept that is how things are.

Children owe their parents nothing just for being their parents. They earn respect, consideration and kindness from their children by demonstrating those behaviours. Your mother has shown you none of this but instead berates you, judges your life choices and tells you you are not a nice daughter (despite evidence to the contrary). Instead of giving your mother money I’d suggest using those funds to pay for some therapy to help you work through your feelings about your mother, it would be money much better spent.

As for the childcare, employ a professional. Do not submit your children to her bad attitude. Do not let her have something else to hold over you. If anything you should consider distancing yourself from her, it can’t be doing you any good to have her negativity in your life and no words cut deeper than those from a parent.

Exactly this, plus the option of someone who is insured and first aid trained.

I was really struck by this:
got back to work with 4 months old baby to be able to help paying her mortgage

Did she look after the baby so you could go back to work? Does she not have a job herself?

I doubt your mother wants to go through the hassle of setting herself up as a childminder and paying for insurance and paying tax on her earnings. Unless she does all this I would not consider paying her CM rates. But, to be honest, it is a terrible idea to have her mind your children three days a week. See if you can use after school club or get a professional CM to look after your children. Having her involved in this way will not improve your relationship with her.

Just had a thought, please don't answer, don't want to derail thread:
In England (UK?) If a parent is childminding, they can clain NI, which may be useful if they do not have a full NI record for their pension.
Martin Lewis money saving expert explains this.

If your mum is someone that needs help to pay her mortgage and groceries, I would assume she isn’t financially sound and still needs to work. If that’s the case, I wouldn’t have assumed that her offer to look after the kids three days a week would be something I’d expect her to do unpaid.

Did you suddenly think she had become financially secure?

My parents offered childcare but they are retired, paid off their mortgage and have good pensions-they had the time and money to make that offer and I knew they weren’t struggling-your mum doesn’t sound like she’s in that position.

I just google checked and to take payment for looking after a child you must be a registered childminder.
I used to be a cm but wondered if the rules had changed.

Save your relationship with your mum and employ a registered child minder.

Would dm be doing the dc evening meal? Homework? Taking them to parks? Feeding snacks you don't like? Screen time?
You are not being sensitive @skyfly I would advise not to mix business with pleasure.

Just tell her no thanks and get a good childminder for the kids instead. Stop giving her money. Honestly, why do you still have contact with your mother when she tells you you're not a good daughter despite all the financial help you've given her? I wouldn't be bothering to spend time with her!

Your mother really does not sound nice and really not the sort of person who should look after your children. She doesn’t seem to like you and will be poising your children’s minds against you. Go with another plan. Are there cultural reasons why you are subsidising your mother? You are under financial pressure yourself so STOP giving her money, groceries etc. My mother always preferred by brother so now I just leave them to it. I am a grandparent that does childcare 2 days a week. I would not dream of taking money for it. It is a huge pleasure to see them.

I would rather use childcare than pay your mum who thinks you aren't nice to her and asks to be paid when she has had a lot of money from you already. Paid childcare will be more reliable for sickness/holidays too. To reduce the financial burdon on yourself do not pay anything else for your mum.

You sound nice.
Your mother unfortunately does not.
Friends are the family that we choose - please go low contact with your mum and use the time you have saved to have lovely people in your life. You and your children deserve that.

Your mother sounds like a classic narcissist, I would cut ties and save your children from the same abusive relationship you're experiencing.

I'd be looking for alternative care and claiming the 20%tax back through .gov.
More reliable and no one can make you feel guilty about it either.
Her loss if you ask me.

I went part time when my first grandchild was born so that I could look after them 1 day a week. I still continue to do so 5 years later. My DD doesn’t give me any money, and in fact it costs ME money - petrol, trips to swimming, lunch out etc. I would t have it any other way.
Your mum is not a very nice person I’m afraid.

9 times out of 10 the first post nails it but this one is way wide of the mark. So far away it seems to be answering another question, in my opinion.

Why would you @skyfly think that you shouldn't pay your mother for looking after her grandchildren for the duration that she is?
I am guessing that she is still young enough to be doing activities with them, right? If your mother wasn't going to be looking after your children, you would have to pay full market rate for childcare. She is looking for babysitting rates (which I believe are already reduced to what you could end up paying).
She has given you her expectations - by saying it will be work to her and you generally pay people for doing work for you.
I think you are being sensitive and if you don't want to pay her, you'll end up paying elsewhere. The question now should be do I want to pay my mother, the child(ren)s grandmother to look after my child(ren) or do I pay someone else, who will start off being a stranger to them and they'll be in with a bunch of other kids too.
The key bit, however is tucked away in your final bit of your opening post where you've said that you've helped her with her financial issues, so much so that you went back to work when one of your kids was 4 months old (thereby not taking additional maternity leave) and she says that you don't treat her in the way a nice daughter would. That would make me want to take as much maternity leave this time that I could and to not have her involved in anyway, even as a last ditch babysitter for emergencies, with the care of these kids. She doesn't sound like the right influence to be around your kids.

As a single parent, the bulk of my wages was paid to childminders for before, after and school holiday care.

When my DGD was born, I condensed my 5 working days into 4 so I could help my DS and DIL out when she went back to work otherwise she would have been working for nothing. I've had DGD every Friday since her being 9 months old. I wouldn't dream of saying I expect to be paid for it.

My second DGD is due in September and again when my other DIL returns to work, I'll also have the new baby on the Friday.

Dump your mother! From every aspect of your life. She's a leech. She will never change.

Go online and search for either a registered childminder or a local babysitting service. Or are there neighbours kids you could trust and who would value some extra spends?

My mam and dad looked after most of my 3 kids at some point. I'm the youngest of 5. They did it for all their grandkids. My youngest 2 did have childminders also but my parents helped out on a set day or 2 with the oldest and then mam herself helped with my other 2 as dad passed in 2000. Sometimes I'd come home from work and mam had cleaned my house and done the washing. She said it kept her young and busy. She was early 60s at this point. I always helped her with other stuff like taking her on days out and little caravan breaks and taking her shopping. I just don't understand your mothers mentality at all.

I wonder if there was more to her relationship with your grandma. Perhaps your grandma had a resentment to your mum over having to look after kids (she wouldn't show you that obviously) and your mum not contributing

I think if you want your mum to have a relationship with the kids ask her to do it one day, a day that you can easily cover if she isn't well, and then sort something for the other 2

It's my pleasure to have my grandchildren and I wouldn't dream of asking to be paid.
My daughter and SIL treat us to meals and holidays as a thank you, but it's absolutely not necessary or expected.

OP I'm so sorry. Your DM is awful. She has abused your kindness in the past and whilst I agree with other posters about a nominal amount being reasonable, she just sounds like an absolute sponger. I'm glad for you that you've got a heads up on her behaviour now, before she was able to hurt you further. I don't think I'd personally want someone like that having care of my child.

Sounds like you need to find alternative arrangements. It's probably not a good environment for your children to inhabit anyway. Obviously you won't be able to help out with your additional expenses.

I suspect this issue is both the most recent of a very long list of 'minor' niggles and perhaps also a final straw.
The negative/distant parenting from your Mum, plus the golden child (your brother) and the scapegoat child (you) is a classic toxic combination.
I'd suggest you have more to unpick here.

@skyfly

My response here, considering youve been paying her mortgage for a while plus other costs, would be either:

1. she provide childcare for the 3 times a week as agreed IN RETURN FOR your financial help continuing

2. you stop your financial contributions and pay her to provide childcare at the going rate (I wouldn't do this personally)

3. you find someone else to provide the childcare you need (and maybe also stop the financial help, given she isn't grateful for it)

She doesn't sound like someone you can rely on, the silver lining here might be that this upfront CF behaviour is going to save you the world of pain you'd have later on from using someone like her as regular childcare. Id be telling here you're going to use a childcare service where you have back-up in the case of sickness and can get the 20% tax free childcare reductions. I couldn't imagine doing this to my children, but it's evn worse that she's previously accepted financial help from you that she waited till you're accepted her offer of childcare to say she wanted paying once you accepted. She's being a shit mum with all this, but the least she could have done was be upfront from the start l on the money.