Shall I pay my DM?

I think your feelings are very valid but how you communicate them is key.

I definitely wouldn’t go about the petty ‘you owe me your mortgage / free childcare’ route, but I would speak to her about being on the same page in regards to you trying to save money, I would mention the mortgage help though.

Say you were never intending on not compensating her but an hourly rate in-line with other childcare defeats the purpose.

No you're not being too sensitive, I would be hurt too. If my parents offered to look after my children I would think it was because they loved us and wanted to spend time with them and help me. I couldn't take money for looking after family.

Doesn't your mum need to be registered as a childminder with ofsted if she's going to be charging you? That would be my way out, I'd look for a registered childminder & pay someone who is actually health & safety and first aid qualified.

"Your mother sounds like a classic narcissist, I would cut ties and save your children from the same abusive relationship you're experiencing".

This. Sorry OP. Your children need protecting from your mother. If you can't cut her out of your life completely, then please at least don't leave your children alone with her and please look into some therapy for yourself for the damage she has done to you. I wish you all the best.

Shes horrible you should not leave your children with her. Get someone else to look after the children. She she should be grateful foe all you have done for her and saying she is not is disgusting ,its not your responsibility to financially support Your mother. Im a grandmother and looked after 9 grandchildren a day so their parents could work, the. Went to work myself in the evenings. -and i still has a child od my own at home. Im sorry your mother is such a nasty person

Helping someone out should be give and take. Sounds like you're doing all the giving, and she's doing all the taking. At this point id be questioning whether she deserves to even have me and her DGC in her life at all, let alone be having them round for babysitting. She sounds selfish, unstable, narcissistic. Stop helping her financially right now, she's said herself shes not grateful for it and you're not a good daughter. What a horrible thing to say. She's a terrible mother and probably wont be any better as grandmother. Tell her to get a job and stop sponging!

Oh that sounds hard to hear. You have been a good daughter because you’re helped her out DESPITE her behaviour.

Assume she still has a mortgage, how is she paying it now? Is she still working? How woulad ahe accommodate looking after her grandchildren as well?

I think in your case I’d avoid using her for childcare, I’d find a reputable childminder/ similar and use childcare vouchers to mitigate some of the costs.

sorry you’ve been dealt a rubbish hand x

Most of the time when were living life and helping each other everything is fine , there is a good amount of ' give and take'. The danger lies when theres a lot of responsibility involved or a lot involved. If someone is doing HUGE favours on a regular basis , I believe theres a risk of one person looking foolish or put upon. And thereby the favours will eventually cease. If you dont want the favours to cease then PAY. Lest the children will likely end up with a stranger looking after them.

Stop helping her out. That will free up some money. Pay for childcare. That will free up some headspace.

I watch my niece one morning a week for nothing. I love spending time with her. Enabling my sister to work is a bonus.

After reading this thread there is only one thing I would like to ask.

After the way your mother treat you and how she treats you now, would you seriously want this woman looking after your children while you’re not about?

Wow. You paid her mortgage for 18 months plus paid for other stuff and she told you she doesn't feel grateful and you aren't a good daughter?
I'd be cutting all ties!!! She's a cold, callous cow.

I would be looking at alternative childcare options I’m sorry but your DM sounds awful and please stop helping her financially why should you help her out when she won’t have her grandchildren without pay.

I think this is shocking. You can either help out your children or you can't but you should never ever expect any financial reward for looking after your own grandchildren. It's not as if it's going to be terribly onerous to collect them for three days a week. I can understand why you feel hurt, OP. If your mum will only look after your children if she's laid, I would use the money you would be paying her on a childminder instead.

Personally as she's being more childminder than grandparent, I think you SHOULD pay her.

Grandparents aren't there to raise your children, that's your responsibility.

Also you chose to help her financially in the past - that was your choice, or did you do it to expect something in return?

I'd be living my own life and not relying on family and leaving her to her own life.

In a normal situation, yes, you should pay for regular childcare, even if provided by a close family member like a grandparent. The commitment to be available consistently is huge.

that you have been helping her so much financially and this really should be her returning the favor changes the situation.

also, given what you have written, I would not rely on her for regular childcare. Even if you pay her, she is unlikely to be reliable. She speaks of you not being a good daughter even when you help her. She has no loyalty and won’t feel any guilt in canceling on you at the last minute.

Wow what a bitch. Might aswel pay for after school clubs/ real babysitter and the bonus is you won't feel resentful. Make it clear to her you'll expect to be paid for any care you do for her in the future and you want the money back you've paid for her mortgage.

If looking after your kids means she’s turning down other paid work then I think it’s fair to pay her, but not otherwise

Your mum is nasty and toxic. If she expects to be paid a going rate, then you may as well pay for someone who’s actually qualified to take care of children.

Sorry to say it but she's taking advantage of you because she thinks you're a pushover. She should be helping you out trying to repay you for your kindness not asking for more handouts. She is a joke. I'd keep her at arms length from now on and not give her another penny.

Oh yeah 100% . She should have been upfront from the start .

I agree deebee but then the agreement needs to be on the basis of paid childcare. A grandparent can’t do it as a ‘favour’ and get paid. It’s one or the other

That's awful. She sounds like a bad mother and will likely be an unpleasant gm. My parents and pils were in their late sixties and seventies (albeit fit) and absolutely adored caring for our ds when we returned to work pt. They would have been so appalled and offended if i had offered them money.

Sounds like she offered to do it as she needs the money. But she should have said that upfront with you. All circumstances are different and grandparents getting paid to look after their grandchildren isn’t a bad thing and nor should it be treated as one. When the time comes I’ll be paying my mum to look after my kids. Would rather her then pay for a nursery that takes all my wage. It isn’t shameful or disgraceful as mentioned on here. Not everyone has the same situations.

It depends on your DMs situation

My DM was childminder for our 2.

She collected from school 3 days per week and I paid her 650
per month. (euros)

She needed the money so it made sense. When they were small and she minded 4 full days in holidays or afternoons after Montessori it was 800.

However it really altered our relationship and I would never ever do this with my own kids. DM always felt I should be grateful in the way you would if it was free childcare and I slightly resented this.

Also when covid and children growing up ended this arrangement, it was very very difficult for her. She felt rejected and of course the loss of income
was tough.

it was great for the kids though

She should not have offered and then suddenly sprung a bill on you!
My advice-

1. Whatever has gone before in your own childhood try to work it out with her.
2. Is she good with your children? If so (and they like being with her) I would try and work something out financially.
3. If you can't do 1&2 at the very least don't start a war!