Shall I pay my DM?

Is there a cultural/family expectation that younger generations support older ones here? Even so, this is awful and grabby from your mum.

Op childcare will stop at some point until then you just have to pay like everyone else,i say this in the kindest way. The best thing I do is pay for my DC to go to breakfast club and after school club,then i don't have to worry someone might not be available some days.

If your mum is struggling she needs to go back to work if she is not already working. It's so sad that times have change that family expect money for what family should do for each other.

Good advice. Stop giving her money and food. You need to prioritise your family. She sounds unpleasant/ manipulative, minimise her to protect yourself.

OP is there some cultural dynamic here, for some reason “nice daughter” made me think of Asian culture.

Otherwise I’d be inclined to explain to your mother that as you helped her when she needed you had assumed that she was now in turn offering to help you. As that isn’t the case you need to consider your options given your mother’s health etc.

If I had to pay I would go for someone else. A transactional agreement is straightforward and you are in control of it, and it removes the emotional upset and resentment of paying your mother to look after her own grandkids.

I think you’re going to have to let any money you lent her go. However in future say no. Spend your money on your children, it’s not your job to fund her.

She sounds really toxic @skyfly she's emotionally black mailing you to get more money, that's horrible. I'd step back for you own emotional welfare. I'd use either a childminder or after school club instead. I understand buying food for her, but not her mortgage! Why can't she afford her mortgage? How did she get one if she can't afford it? She needs to downsize to a bedsit. You can't be responsible for her mortgage for years!

I can completely understand why you feel hurt by this, and I would too.

My gut feeling is that it’s happened not because she’s mean but because she’s in a very difficult situation financially. I think that it would be worth you doing some investigation to find out what is going on before getting cross.

If she is living on a pension, is still paying a mortgage, isn’t working and needs financial help from you then I think that she’s probably in quite a difficult financial situation.

What age is she? I suspect that she needs to be working really, and thought that looking after the grandkids would be nicer than shop work etc.

Yanbu.

Decline and use a CM who will be reliable and wont just shove your children in front of a tv.

Your mum sounds like a user. Dont give her a penny again.

And if she ever tells you that you are a bad daughter feel free to point out you are a much better daughter than she is mother and let that sink in.

So sad that this is how she sees family.as a cash cow....

She sounds awful, you’ve gone above and beyond and your brother still gets all the credit.

Drop the rope, if paying someone’s mortgage for 18m doesn’t qualify you as a nice daughter fuck knows what does. Spend the money on your kids instead.

I absolutely feel for you as I have a very similar mother who favours my sibling and looks down on me despite everything I’ve ever done for her financially and emotionally.
My advice is stop doing it as you’re only causing more damage to yourself!
Do not give her any more money and look for alternative childcare, you will regret it otherwise.
Good luck and take care x

Regardless of the ethics of whether you should or shouldn’t pay, in England you cannot pay (or otherwise reward) someone to look after your child (unless very minimal hours) unless they are registered to do so and covered by OFSTED. I presume this isn’t the case with your mum? Two police women were caught out by this some years back - they weren’t even paying eachother but were looking after each other’s children, which was deemed comparable.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1216370/Leanne-Shepherd-policewoman-branded-illegal-childminder--looking-colleagues-toddler.html

@duduchessofsilk I assume she meant because she was paying for her to look after her baby, not just giving her money for nothing

Er, did you miss the part where OP went back to work to pay her mother's mortgage?

She is helping you out, not the other way round. you are lucky to have the offer, yes YABU.

I’d never charge my children to look after their children. My parents helped me a lot and my Nanna helped my parents. It’s what families do, if they can do (eg I will probably be working full time until retirement so I’d help if I could). Normally I wouldn’t be against paying if the parent needed help; but you’ve helped her so much already. I’d rather pay a professional

Fuck that. I'd be working out how much you gave her towards her mortgage/bills and then taking that off the childcare costs she wants paying so she can pay you back.

If she complains about it, then I'd tell her she wasnt a "good mother". It works both ways here.

Bloody hell, what's wrong with her?

She doesn't sound very kind to you at all. I would stop giving her any money actually. I would look for childcare elsewhere and if she complains about money I would just tell her to ask my brother.

It might be worth having some therapy about your childhood and the way your mum is with you now. I know you can see that you want to please her and you can see that she's not nice to you. That is hard to come to terms with. You sound like you've been a lovely daughter And to be honest she doesn't sound as though she's been a lovely mum.

As far as childcare is concerned look after yourself and get someone you know you can rely on

I would be asking for the money back and make sure she knows the well is dried up. If she thinks that a daughter who pays her mortgage and gives her money is not a nice daughter, then I wonder what she considers herself to be? "Nice" is not a word even in the realm of possibility to describe her.
I'd never give her another dime. Honestly, she doesn't sound like a very nice person. I would hire another childminder, as I think dealing with your NVDM would be more trouble than it's worth.

OP wow you sound so kind with little gratitude from your mum, sadly. I pay many odd things for my mum like house insurance, car insurance annually, my sister does similar re broadband etc., mum classic example asset rich, cash poor (moving soon) but she is always sooooo grateful, embarrassed and appreciative. Insists on no birthday or Xmas presents etc. (obvs we do 🤣). Your mum, sorry to say, sounds very selfish and entitled...good luck sorting through this one xx

I guess if you were going to pay her mortgage/food bills - you might as well exchange if for childcare..

Your mum is obviously struggling - she does not sound nice though - and I question whether you would really want that around your children

If the childcare is not going to be 'cheaper' than paying a professional.. I'd look for someone else.

Is she registered?

If not she shouldn't be paid

Is she giving up any paid work in order to help with the childcare? When my boys were small, my mum worked in a nursery school part time and she couldn’t afford to give up work and look after my kids so I paid her the same as she was earning at the nursery so that she didn’t lose out (although she did longer hours for me looking after the kids). She was only in her 50’s so was a way off retirement

tbh she was my saviour and it saved me a lot of money v a childminder. She is also an incredible grandmother and I couldn’t imagine anyone else taking as good care of my boys as she did. She cooked fresh homemade food (I credit her for my boys never being fussy with food), played, read, helped them to read, enjoyed kids tv with them. They are now both young adults and they still absolutely adore her. She has just had a major operation and is very fragile and the boys are constantly checking on her ‘babysitting’ her when my dad has to pop out, cleaning her house etc etc

appreciate not everyone has this wonderful a mother but, where it works, I’d highly recommend a grandparent to take care of the kids (she is also Mediterranean so it’s also a natural thing to do to take care of the grandkids)

I'd be telling her you want every single penny you've given her back and that will pay childcare costs , you allow her to treat you like a mug she will carry on doing so .
It never ceases to baffle me why people put up with this crap and are to scared to say anything YOU ARE NOT A DOORMAT stop letting her treat you like one she wouldn't have her home if you didn't help and is this narcissistic woman someone you want to leave your children with because she sounds absolutely horrendous I certainly wouldn't leave my precious children with her

Honestly if she wants you to pay going rate I’d look at alternatives like after school clubs, etc as at least then you can save yourself 20% using tax-free childcare (presuming you’re eligible).

We use grandparents for a lot of our childcare for our pre-school aged children because they want to do it and we’re very grateful for that. They’ve never asked for payment. I used to send my eldest son with a packed lunch as I felt bad that they were having to buy extra food in for him but after a few months they told me I didn’t need to. I leave some cash in the changing bag in case they want to take him some where but they never use it. We take them out and pay for dinner occasionally as thanks and they’re happy with that.

This feels like common sense, I wonder if there isn’t some miscommunication, maybe DM is massively out of touch in regards to what childcare costs and is only expecting a small contribution?