Shall I pay my DM?

Tell her that you'll pay a trained child minder/nanny to look after your DC.
That will mean that you can't afford to help her out and she'll need to get herself a job.
She's got a terrible attitude....

This...

Then you also won't feel like you owe her on top of any payment you hand over.
Equally she has no hold on you.

I know it doesnt seems like it now but your DC's schooling will go so quickly and they
won't be needing after school care forever.

As much as looking after DC is a job if its your line of work when it comes to your own GC and your own DC needing a bit of financial help by way of looking after those GC most would try their best to accommodate. Your DM does sound a bit ungrateful especially as you helped contribute to keeping a roof over her head.

No way would I pay someone unqualified anywhere near going rate for looking after children, whether they were related to them or not. You can utilise tax-free childcare if paying an actual childminder for a start.

I would ask for the money back that you gave her towards her mortgage and sort out your own wraparound care.

Make an excuse and find a childminder/other solution.

Can’t believe she expects market rates. She will be acting like she’s doing you a big favour, yet still want a wage. Ridiculous!!

I think if she needs the money she was obviously going to ask for money.

I also don't agree that GPs should necessarily do regular childcare for nothing as the "payment" is the pleasure of having their GC!

Also as a single mum & needing to work Op had to be looked after by someone as a child!

That said, there's obviously not a good relationship between Op & her mum & it doesn't sound as if she should be trusted with her GC.

Wow.

What a piece of work!

You've effectively given her thousands and now she wants more!

If shewants to be paid then she neefs to register as a child minder with tje local council who will inspect her home and check thst it 8s suitsble and that she is properly insured etc. Then she needs to notify HMRC of her additional income. Then you can decide if she's what you want.

Family should help each other out and thf time with her grandchildten is a treat, not work. Then off to the small claims court to get your money back.

And yes. Stop paying for stuff for her. She should be managing her own money, if she can’t afford her mortgage she needs to downsize or apply for a rental with a housing association etc.

Regardless of the money, I do not think she’s a good person to be looking after your kids. She’s nasty to you, turns on you, owes you money but thinks of ways to wheedle out of it, changes the goalposts and describes you as a not nice daughter. I am willing to bet that even if you pay her she’ll be an unreliable nightmare.

I’d be finding an after school club or registered childminder, even if it meant living on rice and beans!

OP in the kindest possible way to say it you can’t buy her love, nor should she be asking you to.

I would look for someone else. I’d also stop paying for things for her.

I would of course still carry on seeing her if you can face it and celebrating birthdays etc but remove all trace of money from the relationship.

I find this quite astonishing, I provide 1-2 days of childcare for my 2 yr old grandson, did the same for my older grandson who is now 5. I do school and nursery pick ups and wouldn’t dream of asking my daughter for any money. I have a strong relationship with my grandkids and I m their grandma, I certainly wouldn’t want payment and I try to help them out when I can and I ve been a single parent myself for over 20 years. Sounds like you need a frank talk with your mum and maybe look for qualified childcare

I would absolutely not have my mum providing childcare in these circumstances.

I can’t believe she would let you go back to work with a 4 month old baby to pay her mortgage. She has been so ungrateful saying you don’t do much for her.

She will hold the childcare against you even if you are paying her.

Your mother has a rental property she can sell that to pay off her mortgage.

Your mother really doesn't love you. Don't inflict her on your daughter's.

Pay for proper care and tell your mother that you're unable to offer further financial help because of these costs, suggest she sells second property.

I've been where you are spent £thousands on my mother over the years, never appreciated.

Been NC for 15 years now. It's peaceful

So according to the article about the policewomen's reciprocal childcare arrangements, the kind of babysitting circle that my parents belonged to when I was a kid (a group of neighbours with kids who babysat in return for "points" which earned them the entitlement to have others babysit for them) is illegal these days.
Talk about the nanny state.
Even my own 6th former's job - babysitting a toddler while her parents went out to play squash once a week, would fall foul of the rules because there are more than 14 weeks in a year.
Is it a sneaky way of reserving this kind of work for nursery employees to do in the evenings to supplement their meagre incomes?

Gosh, that all sounds so clinical. And YANBU at all in how you feel. As other PP have said, I think you need to decline her 'offer' of childcare and obtain a better qualified person who is more unlikely to let you down last minute too.

As an aside, how much money does your DB give to your DM for her groceries, mortgage, lifestyle choices? I'd wager he gives nothing. Why does she need financial help? Is she living a champagne lifestyle on lemonade money? or is it a genuine CoL issue for her? If it's the former, I'd stop being quite so generous with the grocery shopping.

Given your comment about feeling guilty (some mothers are wonderful travel agents for guilt trips!), it's good that you've been/are having therapy for help with this.

If you pay her then she will need to declare it as income and pay tax on it. Also do you then become an employer and she then has additional rights like holidays etc.

find a different childcare solution and stop bailing her out. The golden boy son can pay.

send an invoice for the money for the mortgage payments as you could declare an interest in the property. You can guarantee the will will
mean son inherits everything.

if you aren’t good enough then it’s time to accept it and move on. It is hard but I don’t have contact with my mum because of her ways. DS contacts her and goes to visit if she collects and returns him. I had enough of her BS and now she is alone as all 4 children said no more. And even now still
causing drama when she pretends to be all goody two shoes and we are all evil
children. It’s a hard road to come to this acceptance but once you do then you will
feel lighter. Don’t be manipulated anymore. She can see the grandkids but purely as a visitor rather than caregiver

This sounds extremely difficult. You’ve been helping her with the mortgage, groceries and doubtlessly countless other tasks and yet she values your brothers (imaginary??) contributions over yours. Instead of thanking you she claims that you aren’t treating her adequately / like a good daughter should.

It really seems incredibly obvious to me (as an outsider):

Take this as an opportunity to disengage. Reduce contact.
Do you really want to foster more of a relationship between her and your DD? To a woman who guilts you, demeans your efforts and already claims your DD to be “hard work”? Is regular and unsupervised access to your child’s vulnerable psyche really the way to go forward?

I honestly wish I didn’t love my maternal grandmother. I wish my mother would have spent her time and my childhood fostering relationships with people who didn’t treat her (and by extension me and my little sister) like crap. I’m NC with that grandmother nowadays. Breaks my heart to do that to a 90yo with dementia but my mental health couldn’t take it.

Technically if you are paying her she needs to be a registered childminder- it might give you a get out clause, OP!

A relative IS legally allowed to look after a child they are related to.

A really nasty busy~body for sure {The reciprocal childcare arrangement between the women Police Detectives}..It was probably a grumpy neighbour not liking the sounds of noisy children.

My neighbour used to look after an approx 8/9 yr old on a specific afternoon /early evening. He was wild, stamping up and down stairs constantly- yelling and shouting - he whipped the neighbour's own quiet children up into a frenzy.

Never would have thought about reporting them though.

More about that Police Detectives case here:

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2009/sep/28/government-orders-review-babysitting-police

I’m assuming you would have continued to support her even had she not offered 3 days babysitting. In which case, your mother’s greed has got the better of her, she has effectively risked cutting off a lifetime supply of your help and resources. She may be not very smart, or is mentally unwell or sick (dementia?), or wants to punish you via your pocket for some reason.
Possibly all of the above, which is a dire combination.

Some people are just beastly, and there is no other explanation.

I would love her from a distance.

ask her for the mortgage money back.

but it does seem she may be struggling financially and sees you as her personal bank.

if she needs money she need to get to work, to pay you back and to afford her living costs.
don't give her any more and pay for a childminder.

So your
it even going to cover her coast? Petrol? Food for child? After school entertainment?

Yes, I think I remember something like that, if it's in someone else's home she'd be 'the employee.'

Weapons-grade busybody there.

@Emotionalsupportviper Seems a neighbour shopped her {Probably due to noise!?} of running an ''Illegal childminding business''- can't see why else a neighbour would complain otherwise?

Years ago I used to look after toddler twins in their own home one morning a week-
For some reason the being in their own home made a difference-

Had it been my own home,{Opposite} it would have made a difference to the rules.

I never took the twins to my own house.

I think a family member would be legally allowed to care for a child they are related to though.

Never mix family and business.

She won't be reliable, especially with her history and sense of entitlement.

She'll think she can let you down last minute and expect you to be fine about it.

Find a childminder/nursery asap and tell her you don't need her help.

And stop any financial aid.