Shall I pay my DM?

hang on are you still giving her payments for mortgage/other expenses?

Tit for tat Op . Tell her that you are absolutely fine with her working for you in order to repay some of her debt and while on the subject , perhaps you could agree a repayment plan for the remainder .

Most GP l know look after the GC to help their children and don't charge anything, stop helping your DM financially and get some other help for your children
I would distance myself from this greedy/ungrateful woman.

She probably needs the money and you need loving childcare so its a win-win. Its not personal but definitely practical. Can you compromise with a discounted payment so you both benefit? X

2 guesses: your mum has got herself back into debt, but doesn't want to admit that she's messed up finances again. Therefore doesn't want to say "I can't look after your kids, because I need paid work," so is hoping that she can get money for babysitting, which will help her get out of debt and you'll never know. Alternatively, your mum hasn't really got the energy to cope with your kids, but loves them and feels she owes you something, so doesn't want to say no, and is hoping that by charging you, you'll go off the idea and she'll never need to admit to not wanting or feeling able to have the kids

I had a narcissistic mother and for whatever reason thought her offer of childcare was to somehow make up for her frankly appalling treatment of me. How wrong I was. She was an equally shite GM and tried the same controlling shit on my child as she had on me. At the time I had replicated everything at her house and I was dropping DD off at times to suit her, collecting at times to suit her, I also paid for her car and running costs as a quid pro quo. Honestly it was the most stressful time. She wouldn’t ensure DD had had dinner, been bathed or done her homework which meant I had to do everything at my house having just done a full day’s work. DD was stressed all the time treading on eggshells around her (same as when I was a child) and I feel guilty I left her with my mother to this very day. Then she decided she didn’t want to do afterschool activity runs - just like when I was a kid. She would also fall out with school gate mums/GP’s and make complaints about them. It was a shit show.

i then got a nanny and everything fell into place. I was less stressed, DD blossomed and work was less fraught because I had actual help.

Do yourself a favour and find alternative arrangements. And ask your mum to repay the debt to fund that cost - you don’t owe a mother like that anything. Trust me I know!

I would be incredibly hurt by this, op.

I think you should get another babysitter and pay them as you would have paid your dm.

Keep the relationship with your dm just as a grandmother and not a babysitter, then she doesn’t have a say on anything and it won’t be her that you’re paying.

She could also get another job if she isn’t committed to looking after your dc.

Your mother sounds awful. I wouldn’t be helping her with a penny tbh, it is not your duty! She doesnt behave like a caring mother so why should you pay her for anything. I’d go NC though understand you want your kids to have a relationship with her.

"She'll be a godsend.." @Horses7, I don't think you can have read all the OP's posts I'm afraid her mother sounds as if she comes from the other place, nowhere near God

I never told her that I will stop helping her financially. I just cannot afford paying nanny/babysitter at this point on top of her costs, and our family costs.

Well no one would think it odd if you did stop paying for her.

You have your own family to support.

Honestly if she has two houses she is surely taking the piss?

If she can't afford them both she can't have them both!

How does your husband feel about it all?

I would pay unless she’s a dragon. I insisted on paying my parents for childcare, ironing etc the money really helped them but they’d never have admitted they were hard up. They would have done it for nothing but we couldn’t let them do that and it was such a help as they were trustworthy and reliable. If your mother isn’t then I’d look elsewhere for childcare.
We do the childcare for our grandchildren (but not ironing etc) although we don’t get paid and it’s never offered. We do get gifts and also meals out occasionally.
We are in a better financial position than my parents were plus it’s a delight to do it if a bit tiring at times.

You may want to start saving for your own old age. Your mother is certainly not poor, given she owns two properties.

You may get a nasty surprise if she leaves the two properties and everything to your brother, in which case, you may need your own earnings in the event of ill health or death of you or your partner, which I hope doesn’t happen of course!

I think whether/not son has children isn’t key. You don’t want him to say you expect it because he is childfree/less.

Just say no OP, you can’t afford it full stop. I might add that you are very hurt about being told you are not a “nice daughter” when you have given her such a large amount of money. If you are from a culture when sons are more valued that may fall on deaf ears so it might be a waste of time.

Id be more inclined to just say no. If you are not financing your mother it sounds like you can afford other childcare. It will be a professional relationship you won’t be told you and your kids are too much trouble.

Bloody hell! Stop! Surely she must get a pension now?

You know where you stand now at least.

For your own sanity, organise professional childcare.

And when your mother asks for more money, remind her that you’ve already given her a grand total of £x, and can no longer afford to subsidise her lifestyle. That you have financial commitments as a parent, and perhaps she can ask her son, who doesn’t have any of these commitments himself.

From experience be careful when paying her. I paid my mum £160 every 4weeks to help when my boys were born, 19years later im still paying it to her because she based her life around it. And yes, i know its my fault for not stopping it, saying no etc, just be very careful.

@skyfly I think that is sensible to make other arrangements for the children for reasons you and pp have said. Best kept separate

I do think, given the way she speaks to you/thinks of you that you are being an absolute saint to still be helping her out financially and that no-one could blame you if you stopped, but I appreciate that is not what you asked, and relationships have all kinds of dynamics which people who don't know you, can't really comment on. But for what it's worth, that's my view.

Hope all goes well and that you can make arrangements before September

@skyfly

Btw my elder brother has never helped her financially, despite not having kids on his own. And her response is always: “oh he does so much more for me than you”. Hard to accept but i think she never truly loved me.

This is so sad to read. Perhaps it's time to back away from your mother a bit, financially as well as emotionally and give your brother a signal that he now needs to step up.

You will need to be strong. When your mother gets "nasty" or your brother is unhappy about the new arrangements, you have your husband to support you - and perhaps, if you can afford it, more therapy for you, to strengthen yourself mentally.

Time to focus more on your nuclear family, children's future and your own needs. 🌹

YOu do not want this woman looking after your child.

Stop giving her money and find proper childcare.

She has two properties. OP are you mad?

she has more than enough surely to be sufficient on her own.

Again, are you helping/paying money to try and secure a greater bond between you?

Thats not right and you must know it deep down. Sometimes it’s better to face the awful truth that we have a shit parent and try to move on. Id spend that money on therapy, not your DM’s mortgage

Yes someone who's going to be professional and reliable also. How reliable is your mother - is she likely to take advantage of the fact she's your mother when she's babysitting, in the same way she allowed you to support her financially when she needed it? 🌹

OP why won’t you stop helping her financially - you can’t afford it and she doesn’t appreciate it.

What she should have got during Covid was a payment break on her mortgage.

You’ve said to her the last couple of months you can’t help her. Can you draw a line under it now. She has two properties, if she needs to sell one to pay off the other etc let her work it out.

Honestly I would run a mile from this arrangement. Use after school club or a childminder. It will get messy very quickly if you stick with your current plan. Sorry she’s such a twat OP, it sounds like you’ve been more than helpful and it’s a shame she can’t support you in return.

This!

I would not want someone so resentful and accusatory looking after my children for such a lot of the week. If you proceed, you will have to put up with these comments when you pick up your children and its unlikely that she will listen to you when you ask her to do things in a certain way.

If you are being asked to pay the going rate - get a professional instead - who maybe won't accuse you of being nasty whilst having already taken as much mortgage and bills handouts from you as they could guilt trip you into. You had strained financial circumstances yourself, yet you still helped her out "as a dutiful daughter should" I expect that quote came directly from your DM. These demands would continue on top of the pay I expect and she would have you over a barrel as your main childcare.

It will be cheaper emotionally and financially to get a proper childminder.

However, it is a lot of childcare for no money, so its not surprising she has asked for some pay. But she has ignore the mortgage payments already made, which isn't fair. She herself is better off getting paid work without the commitments.

Personally I wouldn't want to be spending much time with someone who guilt tripped and insulted me.