Shall I pay my DM?

If you're in the UK & she's caring for your DC for 2 hours or more in her own home then she's breaking the law by receiving any form of payment without being registered with Ofsted. Anyone caring for children for 2 hours or more for payment are required to be registered & have to complete courses on Safeguarding & First Aid as a minimum of registration. Tell her this & ask her does she still want you to pay her knowing she's be breaking the law.

Weapons-grade busybody there.

You aren't bliddy kidding!

You went back to work after 4 months to pay her mortgage. Do you live with her? I feel you’ve made a massive sacrifice doing this as this formative months are so precious.

i don’t think you’re being too sensitive, she should be getting enjoyment from looking after her grandkids. Yes maybe give her a a money kitty to pay for any snacks your kids may want.

if she wants you to pay, you may as well
pay someone else who maybe logisically more convenient for you

Pay a registered child minder, they will be better and more reliable. Also you avoid potential power battle. Tell her you're not giving her anymore money. Say it's being spent on CM if that's easier. Tell her it's DB turn to give her money or she can sell the place she rents out and can then afford her bills and mortgage. If she gets toxic then see her less until she calms down. Break the chain, don't pay for her 'love' anymore.

I think keeping it separate is best.

I will say that it is mind-boggling that you would still help your Mom financially. Is that also a culture thing, where the daughter gets all the work and the son gets all the praise? Or is your Mom just a nasty piece of work?

Whatever it is, you really need to just stop helping her. She doesn't appreciate it and you could use the money for your childcare and family needs. (I know you haven't helped for a couple months but it sounds like you plan to continue. Please don't).

She sounds so ungrateful for the help you have given her. I agree that you should get professional help for your kids if you have to pay and do not help her financially again if you can possibly help it. I realise she may come to you in a crisis and you might feel morally obliged to help, if you can, but do not offer. You sound a lovely daughter and deserve far more recognition. A big hug from me.

Childish, but I'd feel like saying as I'm not a nice daughter I wouldn't want that out on you further so will find another childminder.
I don't think I'd want my children around that kind of attitude any more than was absolutely necessary.
I have sadly seen people spending their whole lives trying to be the person their parent wants them to be to feel validated, when it's the parent who has failed them.

Do not pay her to do the after school care, you will have a world of trouble with reliability and feeling bad she doesn’t seem to enjoy it and being emotionally blackmailed over all she does for you whilst also completely unappreciated! Hire someone/book childcare and tell her you need an arrangement you can rely on so you’ve booked childcare, and can’t afford to help her too, so it’s your brothers time to help her out. If she says but he does so much you say well it’s time for his so much to include some of the financial support I’ve worked hard and stressed out over providing for so long. I can’t afford it anymore.

the utter cheek when she never paid your grandma.

If you haven't already, stop giving her money. It's poisoned the dynamic of your relationship and she's taking you for granted.

Is she registered? I’m out of touch but when ours were younger, anyone looking after children and receiving payment had to be, including relatives. Do they still?

Apologies if this has already been brought up but I don't think technically you can pay someone for childcare unless they are a registered child minder ( if they look after your children I'm their home) or you would need to employ her as a nanny ( in yoir own home).

But honestly, do you really want your mum looking after your children when she isn't very nice to you? I appreciate you want your children to have a relationship with their grandmother like you did. But she's not your grandmother, she's your mother and she's likely to be as toxic as she is with you, with your children and they could possibly end up feeling the way you do around her.

You definitely get what you pay for when it comes to childcare, so I'd go with the after-school clubs and a proper professional child minder.

My Mum looked after my elder 2 DC when I went back to work for love of her DGC. I felt bad that I couldn't do the same for my dgc when my DD wanted to go back to work but I lived 140 miles away from DGC. Instead I helped out with nursery fees. I think your Mum is being mean. Pay a proper childminder who will do activities with your DC.

Yes.. this…
stop helping her now as it’s very one sided!! No doubt your brother will inherit the same as you from her estate despite you paying her mortgage for 18 months… that must have been a small fortune!! Stop all financial help now and suggest your brother (golden balls) supports her for 18months!

She sounds awful I'm so sorry you're going through this. I would definitely reevaluate and take a step back from her. She will soon see what is important to her.

These comments… plus the kids will have resources and friends to socialise with!
I would tell her not to worry!
& if you need her at weekends I’d remind her of the financial help you’ve given her …
Are you an only child? Are you from a culture where daughters are deemed as ‘expected to help elders?’

I don't think it follows that if Op's mum didn't pay her GM then Op shouldn't pay her mum.

That's between the parties involved to decide.

If Op doesn't want to accept her Mum's offer then she shouldn't, but it shouldn't be based on what happened between her mum & her GM.

So did she pay her Mam to look after you then? Or was she a nicer person grandmother than her. She sounds miserable and horrible. I’d just get someone better to have them if you have to pay anyway. And don’t
help her any more with money for anything, say things are a bit tight because of childcare costs etc!

Wow. I look after my grandchildren one day a week and will help in emergencies and for babysitting. Do not accept payment but my sons help me out when I need them too. Isn’t that the way it should work?

If you're paying the going rate, is she going to go ahead and get all the proper qualifications and register with all the necessary agencies and organisations?

I would say, yes of course we’ll pay you, why don’t we offset it against what you owe us for your mortgage payments we paid for you!!

How about paying her £2 ph less than the going rate, over the long term you will get back some of the money in lieu of what you gave her for bills. Also, if she is receiving money from you for childcare, she can pay her own bills.

I paid my childcare £5 an hour but my babysitter £10 an hour. I think it's fair for you to give her some money but a babysitting rate is ridiculous.

Wow you mum is some piece of work so she accepts your handouts with no gratitude has no plans to pay you back and whilst still accepting your handouts is also wanting to take more money for looking after your children she wants to treat it as a business deal but has no insurance no qualifications and wont be contributing towards tax and NI.
It's time you stopped being a financial crutch gor your mother you have a family of your own now and could be putting that money away for your children for University or a car or a house deposit.
You are going above and beyond guided by some sort of duty you feel you owe her but you're being used/rinsed/took for granted/financially abused take your pick.

not really. did you see the thread about the gm who stole food from her grandkids?

every time i think I've seen the lowest possible human behaviour, mumsnet prices me wrong

this f*ucked up! Your mum wins the award for “Most Repugnant Grandmother”

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