Honest opinions please - Wrap around for year R kids?

Not in our case @Ascubudr

He earns more because he is good at maths. He earned more before children too.

I don’t disagree with you on a societal level. But I don’t think it’s all that helpful on an individual basis. The only time it works is if you and partner earned roughly the same until children came along. If there was a significant difference before that then that’s taken into account.

It's so, so individual. Some kids are utterly shattered, emotional and wouldn't cope. Others are very chill and even enjoy it.

That argument is self perpetuating. They earn more because they haven't endured the maternity penalty and if women use this as a reason to be the one to reduce hours- they always will.

I outearn DH, not by a huge amount but significantly, I have always done 50 % of the drop offs and pick-ups. For many of these years I was a junior doctor not a career known for it's flexibility. It is cultural sexism nothing else.

@Ascubudr , in a general sense - if we were doing a sociological study - I’d agree.

But for individual families it often doesn’t apply. For instance in our case - why won’t DH request flexible working - because we can’t afford it. He earns more. It is unfair he earns more but it doesn’t change the fact he does.

Again I assume you are either a single parent or the child's father had his flexible working request rejected, in which case he too is looking for a job with more family friendly hours....

As much as I'd love this to be the case my husbands line of work doesn't allow for this. It's very standard working hours, well actually quite long ones sometimes 8-6.

Is this really true? There's no part time workers, no women working there in your shoes, no one who has to juggle other responsibilities?

Perhaps I'm jaded but it only ever seems to be men who work in these mysterious sectors where is impossible to do anything other than 40hrs a week and no ability to move jobs or change that for the good of your family.

DD started reception in Sep and does 7.45-5.45 3 days a week. She is shattered and given the choice, I wouldn't do it. In fact I'm working my arse off to find a new job so we don't have to do it.

She's much happier on the two days I pick her up at the normal time and the evenings are easier to handle too (on after school club days, it's such a rush to get home, eat, do reading, shower, bed. She's too wired and therefore doesn't fall asleep easily and then is shattered the next morning).

But right now, needs must. We have no family nearby to help out. Childminder/nanny just wasn't an option due to availability/location etc. Our school is the furthest away too as the schools nearest has zero wraparound available due to low demand!

That said, my son has done ASC 3 days a week since Reception (after full days in nursery) and he’s in Yr 2 and happy, quite a few kids do it and so so the ones who get collected at 3:30 asked if they could go! It
has been really consistent with the same leaders for 3 years though, which is great. Lots of active play.

So I’m not saying push your husband because I disagree with using ASC. My husband uses his flexibility to do some mornings and one 3:30pm pickup per week.

I’m struggling to think of a “line of work” that allows men to abdicate all responsibility for being part of their child’s daily care? If he is salaried and has a permanent contract it should be possible for him to request flexible working. We have doctor and engineer fathers who do pickups in our school group.

This is true of our experience/what I've seen with friends' DCs TBH.

You'd be surprised how many of those inflexible 8-6, 5 days a week Important Man Jobs actually have quite a bit of flexibility...
And this is very, very true.

School mum cliques aren't a given either OP. Some clearly are good friends, likely pre-dating your DCs starting reception, and are less open to new friendships as a result, but I've always had 'playground mum' friends across different friendship groups/classes. The pre-formed friendship groups can appear to be closed ranks but even if they aren't looking for more friends, people will rarely not be nice and chatty (and when they are standoff-ish I tend to suppose that is about them and their day rather than me). The key is to not get too involved in all the politics and try not to take things personally if someone seems a bit off one day.

I am considering not returning after maternity leave for this reason (ds starts school September 2025) so interested in responses.

They do get tired at first, but they adjust quickly. Mine was used to 9-6 at nursery four days a week, and when he started school he was picked up by a childminder those four days instead. He was absolutely shattered at first, but after half term it was like he just settled into it and was fine. I pick him up on Fridays but he often wants to go to the playground or the library, he's not that tired. He does love me doing that pick up though, so it's nice to do that if you can.

They don't get confused about who's picking them up if you tell them in advance... 🙄

I suspect our school don't like Reception children doing ASC because they severely limit the places so we couldn't get one. Not sure what they think all the children who've been at nursery since they were 1 have been doing. It's ridiculous, most women work nowadays and lack of access to childcare before and after school is what keeps women from having a proper career. Because of course it's us who pick up the slack, because we care about our children and want what's best for them.

Mine used to go to a childminder after school. Eventually they did asc every night. They prefer secondary school, as they walk home and tend to be home by 4.

They coped all through primary. It was me, eh was exhausted by having to remember everything.

As others have said, really depends on the child.

My DD started reception this year and does 4 days after school club until 6pm. She loves it, if I try to collect her early she tells me to go away. I do collect her at 3pm on a Friday though and spend a few hours of quality time together before the weekend which we both really value.

I think it’s helped that she was used to long days from nursery, and her two closest friends who she’s known since nursery also do after school club with her.

I take it you are a single parent ?
The blithe acceptance on this thread that it is the mother who must flex her working hours is like something from the '80s. Where are all these children's fathers, don't they care if their yr R child is too tired for wrap around care ? More importantly don't they care that the mother of their children is picking up all the childcare slack ?

So dependent on the child, and the provision.
I was a teacher. DD couldn’t have managed school wrap around, but thrived with a childminder and a few other children.
I had a nanny share when DS arrived, and she then looked after DD too.
By the time DS was upper primary, he loved before and after school club, and didn’t like to leave as he got so much football time.
See what’s available that would suit your child and your wider family needs .

It just largely depends on what the parents are like. My DD goes to a small Catholic school and all the parents know each other, there are little groups in the playground at pick up but I've never felt intimidated and usual just go to the first person I know! Sometimes I arrive and I'm on my own but people come and talk to me.

I wouldn't be too fussed about the cliques, if you want to put effort into friendships then just talk to people and join your school WhatsApp group, its useful but can also be very annoying at times.

I've made a golden rule that I'll only put effort into a mum friendship if I get a friend out of it too.. I don't want lots of pointless hollow play date friendships. I've got 4 really good mum friends now since DD started reception and DD is really close to their kids. I only get to school two days a week.

He has as much right to ask for flexible working as you do. Honestly this attitude is how women end up in pension poverty. You have already had 2 years out birthing these children. Don't perpetuate the inequity or he will always earn more and you will be carrying all the mental load for the next 15 years.

I was also worried about ASC but my Reception DS also loves it and has settled there much better than in school. I don't think there's even anything special about out one, they just love having the freedom to do what they want after structured day and in the summer it's even better.

As PPs have said, they line them up to go before the others leave so no getting left behind.

If you can manage collection on your day off and one other short day that would be a great balance. But I think it's also very hard to adjust to the concept of big change and being absent when you return from maternity leave- and it does become normal quite quickly.

Teachers can't pick their own children up direct from school because they're busy teaching your children.

Are we now suggesting that all the children of the country's teachers are suffering and insecure because their parents collect them from a childcare setting rather than school?

Because I have some serious side eye for such daft assertions.

DD is in reception and in some wraparound care. The first few weeks were tough with being tired but now she loves it. Toast at 4.30 is some kind of magic institution! 😀 There are several kids from her class who go, so she has friends she knows. She also loves having friends in the older years that she's made through after school club. They even play together at break times sometimes.

Having said that, she also gets super excited for the days I do pick her up straight from her classroom or drop her off to the door so if you can do that once or twice a week I think she'd likely love it.

I'd say go for your preferred work pattern and see how she does, but be prepared to ask for a change to work patterns if she struggles with it.

Why on earth would she be thinking that? Ordinarily you'd have explained to your child that they're going to after school club / childminder and you'll pick them up after.

Most of what you've posted is about your own needs and emotions and fantasies rather than your child's.

It's a childcare setting, you're not sending her to work up a chimney. Keep things in proportion.

We take it in turns to go in late so there's no need for early mornings at breakfast club. I do 2 short days and 2 long days and I just sucked up the fact the nursery fees for the youngest weren't the best value way to do it!

DD1 hates after school club, she's Y6 now and still adamant she hates it, apparently it is boring. And I tell her it's 2 days a week, nobody ever died of boredom, and it means we can have holidays and chocolate and sometimes you can't always have your own way.

That's great for your kids, I'm saying it's not right for all. Some kids leaving the house at 6.30am, home 12 hours later. It is too much for some, especially 5 days. The less at that age the better.