Niece's baby girl and childcare

Absolutely not, it's not your problem. I'm pregnant and I still believe if you choose to have children it's your own responsibility to look after them, not someone else's, if you can't afford to put them in childcare or be sahp then you shouldn't have them! If you have help offered that's amazing, but you shouldn't be expecting help.

Absolutely this.

I just feel i'm getting back on my feet and looking for work feel things will become difficult and nasty if i don't say yes. that's bullying, pure and simple.

There's a lot of unnecessary justification in your post. If you don't want to do it that is enough reason. It's fine.

*She’s got a nerve asking you.
*Your circumstances may be about to change (if you get a job/caring responsibilities increase).
*If you agreed, it would be on you our terms, ie in your own home if you’d prefer.
*One day’s nursery/childminder won’t break the bank.
*Make a decision sooner rather than later so she can make arrangements.

So the niece is going back to work next month but you haven’t actually said yes you’ll do the childcare? Is she assuming you will or does she have a back up for that day?

When did she actually ask you about this, @avecmum ?

@Candleabra
I thought she had agreed?
Oh bloody hell. My bad.
This is all a bit mad
It's not even her niece! 😂

Can I just say. If she's returning to work next week, to say no now, will land her in a real pickle with childcare.

But she’s never said yes. The OP isn’t reneging on a previous long standing agreement, the niece had assumed childcare will be readily available.

@LaurieStrode
I would agree but OP has already agreed to do it.
To refuse now with one week to go isn't a way to go!

Her pickle is her problem. Not the OP's.

Can I just say. If she's returning to work next week, to say no now, will land her in a real pickle with childcare.
I would personally tell her you can do it until X date... providing you do not have any job offers in between.
I think to offer no payment on her behalf is a real cheek...
My mother was in a similar position with her own sister and minding her DN. she felt totally taking for granted and things went sour when she said she wouldn't do it anymore.
So I'd definitely recommend and end date.
Good luck!

There are 2 parents and also grandparents, you absolutely do not need to be providing childcare. It may make a difference if they will pay you, but would that make it harder for you to find a job as you wouldn't be able to work full time? What if your own children have kids - will you not be able to help with them (if you want to) because you are already committed to DN? I would also be wary of offering to help as one offs - if you are working by then you would have to use annual leave or unpaid leave (and you might need these for emergencies with your parent).

This x1000

The costs and difficulties of childcare aren't your problem. They should have planned for that before conception. Let granny watch the kid.

Put it this way: have THEY ever offered to help YOU with of YOUR caregiving workload? No? Why doesn't that surprise me. But suddenly her offspring is supposed to be the center of everyone's universe. CFers.

I sort of agree with this poster but for different reasons. I wouldn’t list all the reasons because, in my experience, CFs will find a way to still ask somehow or keep asking in the future. Eg “My parent (your sibling) has agreed to helping out with Grandad more so you can do this for me.” Or “My parent has agreed to pay you this much to have my daughter each week.” If I was to use an excuse though, I’d simply go down the route of it being a massive responsibility. You can’t argue your way out of that one.

Honestly I don't know anyone who does regular childcare for their niece! Only their own children. Just say no OP.

Don't do it. Your niece will have another baby or more and in a few years time, you will be doing school runs with a couple of toddlers in tow.

It's unbelievably cheeky of them to expect you to do it for free. Say no, get your husband to back you up; they might be miffed, they'll get over it.

You sound like a lovely person and are dealing with a lot.

@Sjh15 why can’t she say about her dad? It puts it into context for her niece. I get the feeling OP loves her niece and great-niece/nephew very much.

OP you’re not letting anyone down, you simply don’t have capacity and need to secure a role to be financially secure for your own family.

It’ll be hard to say no, you sound like a close family with a slightly different dynamic. But please do say No, because you will really struggle. Good luck.

I’d avoid excuses about being a carer and needing money OP as CFs keep rearing their heads throughout the years. Just say no. Btw, it’s not an honour being asked to provide free childcare- if you doing it was so important, you’d be paid your worth. Not trying to be nasty but I just wanted to remind you of facts here so you don’t feel guilty about saying no. I wouldn’t do this for my own sister as childcare is a massive responsibility (and I’m a mother), especially when they are so young.

‘That doesn’t work for me’ is a phrase I learned here. The first time I used it (with great trepidation) my daughter just shrugged, (sky did not fall in), and made different arrangements. I was amazed.
You grew up with an authoritarian father and you learned to agree and say yes probably before you were out of nappies, as did I. Times have changed and it’s ok not to agree to every service you are asked to do.

It’s ok for her to ask, it’s also ok for you to say No you cannot. My auntie looks after my cousin’s ( her other nieces baby) 2 days a week, along with my other auntie but they do it because they have the time / are really free otherwise.. if it doesn’t work for you, and you are worried about the commitment it’s difebiteky better to say no now, as it will be harder to wiggle out of this later..
there tonnes of childcare options including childminders and nurseries and everyone manages to find a solution

my niece has asked me to look after her little girl for a day a week when she goes back to work next month.

When did she ask you and did you agree?

If your niece is going back to work next month under the impression that you have agreed to do free childcare one day a week, you need to tell her today if you’re not going to do it!

I completely agree that you shouldn’t do it-it’s unpaid labour, not something to feel honoured about! BUT, you have to tell her you can’t do it so she can sort alternative childcare.

"I have an elderly parent who has dementia, only the early stages and they are totally in denial and i drop everything when they call. "
I pretty much stopped reading at this point. Do not commit to childcare. Do not. Dementia isn't a slow, gentle, peaceful, predictable decline. There are some steady manageable bits but lots of precipices. Parent gets UTI? Dementia signs suddenly go crazy. Parent gets a painful broken or rotten tooth that needs extracted? Good luck with that . And so on and relentlessly on.
Best say no to the childcare now than take it on and then give it up when you are utterly drained- nobody else sees the day to day input and strain on carers for people with dementia (google "hostess mode") and as it will suit your neice not to see it, she won't.

No way!

She will try to suck you in by asking if you can do it just for a few months or something, but you need to stand firm.

I never understand these situations.

When we decided to have children, we worked out how we could afford it.

I accept that things change: child minder quits, nursery place falls through, mortgage goes up etc. However, these situations seem to be when the parent is about to return to work they start thinking about who is going to cover childcare for free?

Would she pay you ? If you’re looking for work and she’s prepared to it may be a good idea ? If she just wants free childcare then not such a good idea

Don’t feel honoured. She wants to use you for free childcare. I can’t believe she’s talking about this as though it’s your responsibility. The brass neck!