Niece's baby girl and childcare

I once looked after a friend’s children one day a week and I hated it! Not the children, but just the tie of having to be at home on that day (my own ds was little).
I would say no because like you say, the other Grandma would not look after your grandchildren and would not be expected too.
Supposing one of your children had a baby, they will also expect regular child care at least once a week if you’ve done it for your nieces baby and then it becomes even harder to say no.
My dc already know that I will not look after their dc on a regular basis, but I will certainly have my dgc for fun or because I simply want to spend time with them (obv emergencies too).

OP, have you had the conversation with your niece about being unavailable to provide childcare? If not do please tell her today/ASAP so she can look at alternatives. It sounds, if she's left sorting childcare so late before she returns to work, as though she was just expecting you to take in that responsibility.

Do be clear that you're unable to provide childcare as you already by have increasing duties for your own father plus need the income from a paying job as money is already tight. Be careful if she offers to pay towards her childcare if you yourself need a proper income (including funds for your own state pension). If she's able to pay you the same as a formal employer for the number of hours you'd need to work, then she might as well pay a formal childminder who lives closer to her so she or her husband can do pickups and drop offs, rather than you spending your own time and money to travel to and from her home to do childcare there.

Also I know another poster has said probably not to mention your caring for your elder father, but that's absolutely something I would mention as their needs will only increase.

Keep your response to her clear and simple - don't allow her to think you'll be a source of regular "emergency" cover as there's only so much time and energy you have available for your current situation, or you'll find these instances happen more than you're capable to provide help. 🌹

asking to do childcare at the back to work date is a way of expecting her to cave in.

I've got a toddler. Wouldn't dream of asking my auntie. We paid for nursery and I went part time the other days to accommodate our lives. It's the way it is when you have children. I'm amazed you've been asked. It's for your sister in law / brother to help. What about when you want to go on holiday or when your parent needs urgent help? You have your hands full.

Everything that @powershowerforanhour said. As soon as you mentioned the dementia, I also thought there is NO WAY you can do the childcare too, even if you wanted to or didn’t need to find work.
Being responsible for someone with dementia is enormously stressful and takes up so, so much time especially as things progress. And it’s so unpredictable too. What might be manageable one day can suddenly become completely out of hand the next. Does your sister help out with this or has it fallen to you?

my niece has asked me to look after her little girl for a day a week when she goes back to work next month

It’s next month, rather than next week as some posters are saying, but I think it’s important to know when the niece asked OP for this childcare? Did she ask yesterday? 6 months ago? Have you said you’ll think about it? Have you said yes? What’s the niece doing next month if you say no?

You may also get your sister or other family members trying to push you to do it too but again say "It has been discussed" then change the subject. You may not be flavour of the month for a little bit but it stops people steamrollering over you and they will need to be civil to you help out in future e.g. babysitting

My friend who retired a couple of months ago was amused at the number of people who rushed to fill her time now she was no longer working - even a friend tried to bully her into looking after the friend's grandchildren once a week to give her (friend) a break from childcare!

She's strong-willed and just kept saying no thanks, I don't want to commit to anything. And she hasn't! She kept repeating this and even the most stubborn people are gradually getting tired of asking.

Be strong, OP!

Several red flags here - "you can't be moving far as you've got child care duties" and "things will become nasty if I refuse"

No no no - do not give in. You need to say 'sorry, I can't commit to providing regular childcare. Feel free to ask me as a one off in a dire emergency and I'll see if I can take time off from looking after my elderly dad with dementia to help you out if your own family can't.'

Anybody who tries to make things nasty or uncomfortable for you because you could not or did not grant them a request are being manipulative. Say statements like " Permanent regular childcare does not suit me/or our family at the moment", "it doesn't work for us" or "(Name) is lovely but I have other obligations/ commitments so regular childcare doesn't work for me" Then you go quiet in front of your relative and let them speak back .....they may say something to the effect of you not getting to see the child and you repeat back "it doesn't work for us/me" You may well get a "sob" story re: finances then you repeat " I understand it is difficult but it wouldn't work for me/us"

This is fine provided of course that OP is both willing, and confident she is able, to offer something like this. I am concerned though about committing to any of this as OP's niece and her family sound as though they will be pushy and hold her to whatever she offers. So their expectations need to be carefully managed.....btw how many new parents expect to have date nights?

As has been pointed out on this thread, there are a number of close family members who are more obvious providers of childcare; but the OP's family presumably know she is a caring person so have an expectation that she will cave.

... things will become difficult and nasty if i don't say yes

What does this mean, and what form would it take?

They don't get to ask a favour and then strop if it's refused - at least not if they're decent people - and if the above is the case I'm surprised you feel "honoured" to have been asked in the first place

’things will become difficult and nasty if i don't say yes’

Perfect. People who choose to be nasty and difficult when demanding free childcare should not be in your life. So decline their pisstaking and don’t offer up excuses or say sorry. ‘I won’t be able to.’
Childcare costs should’ve been thought through before/during pregnancy, it’s nothing to do with you.

No I wouldn’t in your situation. If I was close enough I’d help my brother and his wife 1 day per week, if I was part time, but I’m neither so they’ve had to work around each other as they don’t want to pay for childcare. I paid £50 a day for nursery for my children, never asked family. I find it a real cheek she asked with 1 wk to go, why leave it until now? Clearly because you don’t work they just assumed. Rude

Definitely say no. I look after my grandsons two days a week and the other grandparents do two days as well. I'm having to do their commitment because they're going on holiday. I had to do their commitment a month ago because they were on holiday and I'm having to do their commitment in December because of medical reasons. I will do it because my dd and sil are stuck but it's very tiring. Before you know it, you'd be expected to pick up childcare days because your sister in law is sick or has other plans.

Nope. Her husband’s brother’s daughter. So she’s an in law.

l things will become difficult and nasty if i don't say yes.

Absolutely, say no.

These people are abusers if this is the situation.

Decline politely.

If you think you can, offer to be asked to provide emergency back up occasionally when the baby isn't well enough to go into nursery/school and both parents are struggling to cover it due to work. And perhaps offer to do an evening once a month so they can have a date night?

They want expensive childcare without having to pay for it. I would decline & share details of a nanny because that's what they need to accommodate their long working hours.

Be very clear that because of your job search and caring duties, you don't have capacity to take on another caring role. By the way are you claiming carers allowance for looking after your gran?

Be honest say you will be happy to help out if she is really stuck but you just can't commit to one day every week.
Explain that you are looking for work and tell her that you would hate for her to be reliant on you and then have to source childcare elsewhere because you could no longer do it.

Also OP it is so useful to have someone if DC is under the weather who can have them when nursery can’t. Or who could cover the odd nursery training day. Don’t underestimate how valuable the offer of that sort of help could
be for them! Not that you need to feel obliged to do even that!

No you have enough on your plate already. What if your children suddenly have babies together (mine did) you would find it difficult to withdraw from looking after your niece’s baby. Your parents may need more and more help if their dementia progresses (very likely).
However aside from the above it’s not your responsibility and I get how torn you are as you are a kind person. You could offer to maybe step in if your niece’s mums is unwell or on holiday or offer to babysit an occasional evening fir your niece and partner.

*Also, if she offered to pay you, as money is tight, would that make a difference?

As usual it’s the women in the family being put upon. In order of priority to help, it should be:

1. baby’s mum and dad sort paid childcare between them
2. baby’s maternal and paternal grandparents who are the blood relatives help if it suits them
3. baby’s uncle and aunts by blood help if it suits them (I.e neice and her partner’s siblings)
4. baby’s uncle and aunts by marriage help if it suits them (I.e niece and her partner’s siblings’ spouses).
5. baby’s great uncle and aunts by blood help if it suits them
6. baby’s great uncle and aunts by marriage help if it suits them

Why hasn’t your niece asked her dad (your brother in law) to help? Why hasn’t she asked your partner (her blood uncle to help)? Why isn’t baby’s dad involved in dropping off baby at yours instead of asking you to bear the burden of collecting the baby when neice works in the opposite direction? Even though you’re in the 6th category above by proximity to your relationship to the baby, you are being put upon because you’re a woman and they must know you lack boundaries and are generally willing to help. So they are pressuring you instead of asking the men in the family or paying for childcare.

I would say no and explain you’re looking for a job and need to be on hand for your dad- but that you can help in emergencies.

From what you have described about your Dfather's care there is NO WAY you can take this childcare on; even if you wanted to (which you don't). You will be run into the ground.

And anyone who wants to have a child needs to plan for the childcare and costs, that is part of being a parent. So your niece & her DP need to plan for this like all parents; and no you cannot be the 'plan'.