Niece's baby girl and childcare

Is it clear to the niece you’ve said no?

Just say no. You are honoured to be asked, but you can't commit to that. You would happily do an odd day if the childminder they found took poorly and it was on a day you were free. This is the kind of thing where is best to presume they genuinely thought it might be a good arrangement for you, and will be fine with you telling them it isn't. Don't worry about justifying it to them or the rest of the family unless they do start spreading rumours about how mean you are.

In finance covers a heck of a lot of jobs. Insurance claim administrators are in finance, but are unlikely to be raking it in, say.

If she's working "in Finance" and can't afford childcare, she's doing it wrong...

OP say no. It would be kind, perhaps, to cover the odd day when your SIL's on holiday.

I don't have a baby any more so my figures are out of date, but when I budgeted for this a decade ago, a day of childcare a week was 5 grand a year. Would you give her 5 grand if you had it? If no, don't give her that in time.

These people never ask men do they? Why do they assume women are desperate to look after other peoples children?

Ask her to help with your elderly parent - I assume she'll jump at the chance, because you know? Family!

@avecmum ?

Indeed. Nobody should ever dream of asking a man for childcare; after all, men have really important things to do.

Ooh, I know this one! It’s patriarchy!

Although - did I miss why it isn't the brother asking his brother?

Not only should it be a resounding no op, what you need to learn to do is say no without adding an apology or feeling guilty.

She is asking you for a huge favour.

You are unable to do said favour for various very valid reasons.

Say no.

And don't apologise.

People are unbelievable! Just tell her no and that you can't commit to it.

All these mums rushing back to work and expecting other family members to pick up the slack for them 🙄

Just so you know OP, my own MIL couldn't commit to 3 hours after school childcare for her well behaved 8 year old grandchild. YANBU to turn them down and if anyone's nasty to you about it, cut them off.

I’d say, sorry but I can’t commit to
my mother’s ill health. If you need emergency ad hoc childcare - say they can’t go to nursery, or you are invited to
a wedding etc then please ask, but you’ll have to bring the baby to my house. I’ll help you if I can.

I'm sorry this is not an honour - they want to take advantage of your good nature to get free childcare! Its actually an insult - telling them you need to be flexible as you are looking for a paid job is enough. In fact telling them you enjoy your free time is also enough - you have no obligation to them just because they are family.

Just say you can't do it, I don't see why you need to come up with all different reasons, you can't do it is enough

Wow. Total CF. Just say no very clearly and quickly.

Just say, ‘Haha, no chance! I’m applying for proper full time jobs right now. I couldn’t afford to to live on the pay for one day a week childcare, and I’m not qualified or insured either’.

It’s fine to say no as it’s an enormous commitment and I’d do it now so they can plan.
Childcare enables both parents to work so it’s shortsighted to only consider the mother’s salary.

You clearly don't feel that you can do this, and that is absolutely fine, but I do think you need to give a definite No to your niece so she can make other plans. Dont just leave her hanging because you feel embarrassed saying no. That will make the situation much worse. Just tell her.

I have looked at houses for sale in estate agents windows recently when we have all been out, just being nosey really to see how much houses are in that area, and the comment was said last time, "you cant be moving far as you've got child care duties

cue tinkly laugh. No way I’d even do this for my own kids. I still work, which ultimately will give my kids way more money than if I retired and looked after grandkids. If I’m no longer able to work, the reality is, I wouldn’t be able to look after grandkids.

I also fail to see how someone works in finance and makes poor money. I have a few working in this area (different aspects) and it pays very well.

Not a hope, such CF behaviour! Regular child care is such a commitment that impacts your life.

I have two young kids and I pay for childcare.

Tell them you can now and then but will be returning to work soon so cannot commit long term. If they or her mum get pissy about it then ignore them and stop any help you are already giving. Do not get into a draw out debate about it with them. Give your answer and leave it there.

I childmind once a week for my DGC and I love it but it’s totally draining! And I’m not looking for work and don’t have elderly parents.

I think you have to tell her straight. It won’t be possible for me to provide childcare for x other than occasional evening babysitting. I need to look for a job and with my elderly parents I cannot commit to anything else.

If she tantrums well let her! She should have organised her childcare months ago. It’s not down to you to sort.

Absolutely do not say see how it goes - it will be harder to get out of it once you have started

When did she ask? What was your answer?

I think you need to be firmer than "see how it goes". For both your sakes.

If she asked you 3 months ago and you haven't actually said No clearly then you need to do so and I would consider offering to do it for a month so that way she has two months to find nursery.

If she's only just asked you now then you need to spell out clearly that you can't. Again if you really want to here you could offer to help for a month to give her two months to find nursery.

These things need to be sorted and agreed nearer the start of maternity leave so she could ask for flexible working/reduced hours etc. She's leaving it very late - do you know why?

If she offers to pay you, you should still refuse because I bet it would only be the odd tenner or twenty coming your way, not a proper amount, and not for long either. Really, your time is spoken for - just say: 'sorry, that doesn't work for me' and don't give reasons! No explanations or she'll just pick them apart to make you look selfish when actually she's being a cf.