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Original poster

Niece's baby girl and childcare

161 replies

avecmum · 10/11/2023 09:32

Hi, I'm going round in circles in my head my niece has asked me to look after her little girl for a day a week when she goes back to work next month. My niece works in finance and works long hours and her partner works too. I know it is hard going back to work I have had 3 children, all who have grown up, none have had children of their own yet and I am more than prepared to step in and help them when they do. My sister works for herself and helps my niece a lot and is also going to look after her granddaughter when my niece goes back to work. I did explain I am actively looking for work as finances are getting tighter for us. Part of me would love to but part of me feels I am being put upon, which is also my partners thoughts. I do feel honoured to have been asked as i love her lots. I would have to go drive to my niece's house and look after her for the day, (while my sister will look after her grandaughter at her own house) I know that already as I live in the opposite direction to her place of work. I have looked at houses for sale in estate agents windows recently when we have all been out, just being nosey really to see how much houses are in that area, and the comment was said last time, "you cant be moving far as you've got child care duties". It was said in jest but I would help anyone. I have an elderly parent who has dementia, only the early stages and they are totally in denial and i drop everything when they call. I take them shopping a day a week and go round and clean another day a week for them, which i have done for the last 3 plus years. I have explained this when my niece first asked me and they know this so nothing more has been said. I have my elderly parent, my children to be there for when they need some help, my partner. Half of me would love to help, I feel honoured that my niece has asked me. I remember when mine where first born and i had to return to work my mum helped me and they went to nursery one day a week when they were slightly older. I just feel i'm getting back on my feet and looking for work feel things will become difficult and nasty if i don't say yes. Just wanted someone outside of the family's view of this.

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ellyeth · 14/11/2023 08:53

I think it is unreasonable of her to ask you. You have brought up your own family, and at the moment you are looking for work because you need the money. You have your own family commitments, especially as your parent is in the early stages of dementia.

Offering to help out occasionally, and when you are able, is enough I think. If it causes bad feeling then that's unfortunate but not your fault.

Lampan · 14/11/2023 06:59

Canisaysomething · 12/11/2023 15:36

So cheeky and entitled! Tell her you can’t afford to offer your time for free but if she wants to do the equivalent hours of cleaning at your house each week then you’ll consider a time swap 😁

This is genius. It underscores just how unreasonable her request is!

Yourcatisnotsorry · 13/11/2023 22:33

You are not at all unreasonable! Plus she will get some free childcare hours soon so it’s not going to be financially difficult for her to use proper paid for childcare. Looking after toddlers is hard work you should only say yes if you have fully have the time, energy and lack of other commitments.

wildwestpioneer · 13/11/2023 21:55

I think you've done exactly the right thing. You can't comity to a regular day, but will help out now and again.

SylvieB74 · 13/11/2023 21:06

WowOK · 12/11/2023 09:01

1 day a week is a big commitment. The thing is once you start doing something it becomes your job and an expectation. Then people get arsey when you can't do it and are sick or want to go on holiday. They forget all the times you've helped them and he upset because you're letting them down. I wouldn't commit to a regular day/time ect. A one off in an emergency is a very different thing.

Exactly this

Lattims83 · 13/11/2023 20:59

It sounds like she's just looking for free child care. Just tell her you are looking for work yourself and can't commit to taking care of her child one day a week, you can come when is convenient for you and she can pay for her own childcare the rest of the time. Some people, I don't even understand why you even feel obligated to do this, you know she's just taking advantage of you right?

neighboursmustliveon · 13/11/2023 18:32

I’m really close to my Aunty (my mums sister), my mum lives in another country so wasn’t available for childcare and I still never asked my Aunty to do it. If she had offered I would have considered it but would never ever ask her. She has since had her own grandchildren and still does provide childcare for them, as many grandparents do.

just say you are the unavailable and have other commitments and repeat as required.

Kats43 · 13/11/2023 18:30

SheilaFentiman · 13/11/2023 18:15

Being the back up emergency plan doesn’t help if OP wants to look for work, though.

I think it’s more a case of back up if happens to be available, very few people have emergency contacts they can rely on 100% of the time but it have a few people on the list then case of fingers crossed one of them might be available. Having people who would possibly be able to help if stuck in traffic etc is invaluable

Thistlewoman · 13/11/2023 18:29

Well done-you have done the right thing and put your cards on the table. They are lucky to have you as an emergency back up. I hope it all works ok for you.

SheilaFentiman · 13/11/2023 18:15

Being the back up emergency plan doesn’t help if OP wants to look for work, though.

Nononsensemumsy · 13/11/2023 18:11

I would say no to a regular day but say you are happy to be the back-up plan (assuming that works for you) in the case of emergency. That’s always a stumbling block for working parents, not the the actual day care arrangements, but to cover sickness, her grandma being on holiday etc.

Alcemeg · 13/11/2023 13:51

feel things will become difficult and nasty if i don't say yes. Just wanted someone outside of the family's view of this

You're clearly used to having your needs and feelings disrespected. I'm glad you drew the line at this, but unfortunately it is probably convenient for them to use you in ways that you might not even notice.

Kats43 · 13/11/2023 10:34

No you shouldn’t feel at all obliged, to be honest think it’s out of order someone asking (except where absolutely no other option/emergency) as then puts that person in an awkward position. She should just book a nursery place/childminder or cut down her hours like the rest of us. We wouldn’t ask family to come and cook our dinner or do our ironing unless we were ill etc and caring for someone’s baby is a much bigger responsibility than that so not sure why people think it’s acceptable to ask family/friends to take on such a big commitment. Usually just to save them some money so can afford to maintain their lifestyle at the family member’s expense 🙄

1983Louise · 13/11/2023 10:31

Just say no, explain you are stepping up the help with your elderly parents. They should have factored in childcare before getting pregnant but I would offer to step in for emergencies.

DottieMoon · 13/11/2023 10:16

I think it was very cheeky that she asked you. Yes it's very nice and helpful if family can help out with childcare to reduce nursery costs but I would never have asked, only if it was offered.

I wouldn't definitely be saying no as if this is their expectation now then I would imagine they would make things very difficult and awkward later if you could no longer help. You've definitely done the right thing. They should have had a baby if they couldn't afford the childcare!

Duechristmas · 13/11/2023 07:01

Say no now, the latter you leave it, the harder it will be.

billy1966 · 12/11/2023 20:47

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/11/2023 18:40

Well done, OP, but do just be careful about "emergencies" being invented and them spreading into a longer timescale - also about flying monkeys who could well be coming your way soon

Agreed. Wise words.

Any hint of weakness, and you will be their first port of call.

Don't answer.
Don't be available.
Have excuses readily available if caught out.
They know you are the family softy.

The best thing you can do to protect yourself is be unreliable, unavailable, unreachable, ...until the penny drops and they move on to the next mug on their list.

You can do the above with little dialogue.

The key is to NOT engage by NOT answering your phone.

Start being a bit more unreachable NOW to prepare for January.

aloris · 12/11/2023 19:01

TooBusyTalking · 12/11/2023 16:51

I think the comment “ you can’t be moving far as you have childcare duties” solved the issue for me.
Its a no.

Exactly. It's like this "we get to control your time, if you object then you are a bad person" attitude. If you give in, it's like you're consenting to their view of you as a person lesser than them.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/11/2023 18:40

Well done, OP, but do just be careful about "emergencies" being invented and them spreading into a longer timescale - also about flying monkeys who could well be coming your way soon

RubySunset82 · 12/11/2023 18:26

@avecmum well done! Please don’t feel guilty at all about this, it’s so right for you. Brave of you to protect your boundaries.

MsRosley · 12/11/2023 18:17

Trenda · 10/11/2023 09:49

I just feel i'm getting back on my feet and looking for work feel things will become difficult and nasty if i don't say yes. * *

So despite the fact that you have care for your parent ,are looking for work and are not a blood relative to the mother /child things might turn nasty if you refuse their kind offer?

If they turn nasty, OP, then you know you've done the right thing by refusing.

SheilaFentiman · 12/11/2023 18:14

Well done, @avecmum

Original poster
avecmum · 12/11/2023 18:13

Thank you all, we all met up for lunch today and I broached the subject, my neice is going back to work in January just after Christmas so I felt I needed to and I've said can't commit to a day a week but did say I'll help out if there is an emergency. I'm not sure how well it went down but at least i have said it now.

OP posts:
Jetstream · 12/11/2023 17:33

You don’t need to justify your decision OP. She asked, you have considered her request and it simply isn’t possible for you to mind a baby on top of everything else.

Appleass · 12/11/2023 17:23

This is not an honour, this is cheek. !