Nanny - are my expectations too high?

I pay my cleaner more than what you are paying someone to look after your children!

Discipline is hard for a nanny. Kids tend to be on their best behaviour at school/nursery, and you can't really expect them to keep that up all afternoon/evening once they're home. And with the food - just do the meal planning and shopping yourself and tell her what needs cooking each day.

That aside, if it's not working it's not working. My kids are not the easiest, so I'm happy to put up with a bit of a slapdash approach around the house. But the difference is that my kids absolutely adore their nanny. They have fun, they're safe and happy - I'm happy.

Ps I pay £25/hr for 3 primary aged kids, wraparound care only.

Agree. For nannying two children all day, including activities and meals, she should be on at least £25-30 an hour. OP is paying basic wages and expecting a more than basic return. You get out what you invest in, both in communication and pay. I think OP is not a good employer from the sounds of this thread and bad employers get bad employees 🤷‍♀️

We had a great nanny for our first child but a dreadful one for the second. We should have fired her. I can guarantee that unless your current nanny is held at gunpoint she is just going to carry on doing the same things. She is careless and slapdash and she is not going to change.

I agree to look elsewhere, more because I'd be concerned at the lack of interest the children seem to have with her- I'm a nursery nurse, and we form good bonds with our children. I can't imagine them being pretty unbothered by us after all that time, I think maybe they're picking up on her apathy too?

Why can't you plan the meals for the whole week, do the weekly grocery shop as normal and then just tell her what's for dinner on the days she works? It seems a bit of a round about way of doing things to push for her to meal plan for two days and then you have to shop separately for those meals when you could just include her in your weekly plan

A couple of things.

If she’s only there two days a week how is she supposed to meal plan, do you tell her what the Dc have eaten the rest of the week or are you ok with her repeating meals. If I were you, I’d just buy the food and ask her to cook it.
The stains on the carpet- is there an area which is carpet free for the Dc to do these messy activities? If not, you need to provide one. Carpets, children and painting so not mix.
I don’t think £15 an hour is a fair wage for looking after children all day, cleaners get paid more than that.

I wouldn’t be asking her to meal plan. Maybe just buy the food. You can give ideas for what to cook as you know what they will eat. The same with discipline let her know what works for you. Everyone has different ways of working it’s just wether she is the right fit. If she can take on board your advice it will help move forward but you also need to consider her point of view.

Also wanted to add:
It does sound like there isn't a great fit. A friend said to me once that you are recruiting for someone who is half way between an employee and a flatmate.

None "perfect" but who is eg

• Nanny 1 not a great cook but honest about it. Loved by my elder daughter, still in touch 14 years on
• Nanny 2 quite untidy and always forgot to empty the bath but incredibly kind and adored by the kids and did brilliant activities

I've had three sole charge nannies for 2.5, 2.5 and 12 years respectively with a few periods of temp support. My experience is that if you want good part-time childcare that you should be offering at the upper end of market rate. Looking after older children can be more attractive to an older and more experienced nanny who has done their time looking after babies and toddlers.

This. The main reason I'd get rid of her is because your 6yo doesn't like her. Even if she could improve on all the other issues, I'd get rid of her for that reason alone.

Tbh it's mainly this that leads me to think that she's probably just lazy. It's not that hard to engage most 6yos and keep them in line. You just have to show interest, work out what sparks them and set firm boundaries. Unless your 6yo is a particularly hard nut to crack, she sounds like she's in the wrong job. Kids mostly behave better for adults who aren't their parents.

And it's a safety issue to have a nanny who your children don't listen to. What if one of them runs ahead without looking near a road or something like that?

You said your six year old doesn’t like seem to like her much so all the other issues are just nails in the coffin. You need to find someone else.

You deserve to feel that when your children are with their nanny, they are with someone they adore and who provides them with high quality care.

I also thought it sounds like she has inattentive ADHD.

This.

Your expectations are not too high. She's not going to improve, especially if she gets defensive after feedback. You're paying an awful lot for someone to not do half of their job. Find someone more competent.

Why's isnt the 4 year old at school or in nursery?
A 21 hour a week job is quite a tough ask to replace.

Meal planning sounds odd. Don't you just order food for the children- so no planning required? (or many eat the same as adults by that age). Snack at 4 and dine with parents is surely much much better?

Nonsense - if she was an au pair I’d agree but presumably she’s getting a decent wage rather than pocket money and this absolutely falls under nanny remit.

Can be very difficult to get a PT nanny IME let alone a good one unless you are in a big regional city or London.

I ended up no longer using nannies as the pool of applicants for my similar role was so limited and the one I could hire just wasn’t really doing the role we needed.

I think the first poster has got it spot on choose 3 non negotiable items: clearing up properly and be specific what that means, cooking a proper meal and time keeping and I’d make it a 4 week review. Regards the meal planning, save yourself the bother and spend half hour coming up with a list 6 balanced meals you know your kids like and tell her as she hasn’t been able to plan then going forward she can cook these on rotation and just provide ingredients. It’s only 2 days and I think that issue is easily solvable this way.
she shouldn’t be trashing your house or disrespecting your things that would be a hard line no bar very occasional incident for me and I think you need to make that much clearer. I nannied for 5 years and can’t remember a single time I caused damage or left Carpet Stains - she sounds like my teenage son ffs and I’m still teaching him how to be a proper grownup and certainly wouldn’t pay for his cleaning or clearing!

in the meantime start looking for a replacement because I can’t honestly see this changing enough to work.

I think that you are paying her for a job and she really needs to try and achieve what you want. Nothing you have said is unreasonable.

My daughter is a live-in nanny. She regards everything you want, including meal plannng, as a standard part of the job. Get a new nanny and set clear expectations.

Yeah she's crap OP. It takes about 90 seconds to plan 2 dinners ffs.
Get rid and get a proper trained nanny, you won't know yourself.
I've had multiple nannies & au pairs over the years. They all have their quirks but she sounds useless

She isn’t the right fit for you, that’s ok. If it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t right.

Those things would be a deal breaker for me. I think those saying meal planning is not standard might be assuming she is an after school nanny not doing 2 full days.

Our nanny meal plans and is respectful of the boundaries I put in place. I think have a formal chat, eg ask your partner to have the children for 15 mins so there are no distractions. Schedule it in with her so she gets it's not an impromptu thing and follow up with an email with the key points.

I had an "ok" nanny first who didn't really work out. I didn't want to rock the boat. I knew I should have taken action earlier when she resigned and I felt nothing but relief!! The second one has been with us years and is amazing.

The mess and lack of care with toys and belongings is well below what I would expect and your don’t need to “relax”
about this. It’s not acceptable. I don’t think it will improve so I would let her go.

the meal planning sounds a bit over the top though. I’ve employed nannies for 14 years and I provide ingredients and tell them what to cook for DC. Only exception is if nanny is very experienced cook and likes cooking certain things : in which case I would work that into the plan and provide ingredients.

Sounds like our last nanny. No formal qualifications but childcare experience. Rubbish at cooking. My dc ate ham and cheese sandwiches every day for months. She didn’t think up any activities so I had to suggest EVERYTHING. Didn’t do a single playdate in a year despite me saying how important it was for their social development. I was devastated when she left (without even saying goodbye to dc) but it was a blessing in disguise.

I would sit down and talk through these things. If things don’t change, time for a new nanny.