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Original poster

Au Pair won't leave my side

166 replies

Snkt · 31/08/2023 20:46

Hi mums,

Long post alert!

I really hope I don't come across as mean and ungrateful. I am just unsure if this is normal.

Our first au pair joined our family 2 weeks ago. We previously had a young nanny (22) who we adored!
She's really young (21) as most of them are and in general, she's very sweet, super helpful around the house and has really taken some things off my plate (house-wise) which is amazing. But we have 2 issues with her and not sure whether they should be classed as issues yet but if they continue are deal breakers for us.

  1. She's not so great with little one. She looks like she's scared of him or bored to death when with him. He's almost 18 months. He has been doing settling sessions at nursery since she joined us and will be going 3/4 days a week so she will only have him 2 days a week (and one of us will always be home). She just seems really robotic with him, like he's a bunch of tasks she needs to tick, there's no bond forming and he's struggling to be with her alone (and I mean we are in a room and she's with him on another room) as he doesn't get comfort from her. So he's being more difficult than usual. and I am struggling to do work as he just wants me. If he cries she just stops in her tracks and keeps saying "sorry" he didn't let her change his diaper or take this or that. While I understand toddlers are HARD WORK, she needs to get on with it because otherwise then I need to do it so what's the point? She's left his butt let's say not very clean after poos like 3 times already so I snapped a little yesterday saying "did he poo this morning?" she said no to which I responded "okay so he slept with poo in his butt all night.." and her response was she didn't know poo could get there. I've shown her how to wipe and what cream to use to help clean better and have said many times before please make sure the wipes have nothing on them. She then later in the day apologised. and I said (after a conversation with my husband where we are getting concerned about her bond with LO) that she's been amazing, very helpful and will do some things before I think of them. I understand it's a new family, new environment and things to get used to but we are concerned about her bond with LO, that she seems to just be ticking the boxes etc and that she's here for LO not for anything else (we don't need a housekeeper). We need them to have a brotherly sisterly bond and for her to love and care for him like she would her own brother otherwise we will always be concerned and stressed. She said she understands and she's trying her best. Gave her a few tips so let's see.
  2. She's ALWAYS there. It's really getting on my nerves. We have a big house. She has her own space. It's not hard to not be in my face all day yet she is. Of course she's supposed to be part of the family etc but even when you are part of the family you don't just linger around with nothing to do. You get on with your life. Yes of course it's only 2 weeks in, so she doesn't have her own life per se yet but I am finding it weird/annoying. e.g. today we came back from working from a coffee shop next to LO's nursery as he had a settling session and my husband who's injured had booked a physio and has to use the living room to avoid going up the stairs so I said to her "he has a physio coming soon so we'll just give some privacy. Feel free to go upstairs and rest. I need to stay here to open the door for the physio (as if I felt I needed to explain why we need some space) but she didn't go. she stayed. stood there. looking at her phone. then grabbed some water. back to her standing spot. blew her nose. stood there. went and grabbed water again. stood there. and it all felt like she was waiting for me so I again said (gently) feel free to go upstairs! we'll make lunch after. but she stayed. she waited for the physio to come. me to open the door. then started making her way to the stairs - VERY slowly like she was waiting for me. got to the first floor then lingered around the stairs there until I went into my office and then she went to her room on the last floor. isn't that odd? I know it's from a good place but it's a LOT. I am not looking for a housekeeper. I have already told her multiple times that I want her to make herself at home, feel comfortable to come in and out and not wait for instructions from me and that outside of what she knows she needs to do if there's anything else I will tell her. I have told her we will NOT be offended if she didn't want to watch the same shows as us or to do her own thing on the weekend (especially as my husband is injured and we are basically stuck at home). I am really concerned about what she's going to do with her time when LO goes starts proper nursery next week. I have asked her what she wants to do with her free time and how I can help as I don't believe she came here to just stay at home and she said she's done all the touristy things and finds them boring. Maybe play netball a night a week and run. she has from 8:30-330pm at least 3 days a week FREE + weekends. That's not enough and she cant just sit in my face waiting for things to do as I have told her I will have nothing for her when LO isn't here and we will be working.

Is this normal? Is it just a matter of patience?

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Original poster
Snkt · 31/08/2023 21:51

@Maplestars thank you for sharing it's great to hear from an au pair. We genuinely like her and want it to work. and I've told her and hope made her feel that this her home now, she's to act that way. If I need her I will tell her, I don't want her to feel stressed and constantly waiting for me to give her things to do. I want her to enjoy her experience as well as us getting help. I do think she's still unsure how we want her to be but I just want her to be herself. If she wants to be with us she can and if she wants space she can, while also having some consideration for our space as a family every now and then. I don't mind her being in the room it's the lingering over me waiting to be given things to do that's bothering me. and I am just worried when LO is at nursery she will just sit there all day bored and I need her to find things to do and have the experience she's here to have (which I am sure is not watching us work)

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 31/08/2023 21:51

utmost

nrrf · 31/08/2023 21:47

You're expecting an au pair to do the job of a nanny and it’s not right.

I worked as an au pair for a year and the childcare I did was more like wraparound care - drop off to nursery and collection. Then a bit of kids laundry/tidying/babysitting. I never would have been expected to look after a child for 2 days a week. It doesn’t matter whether you’re home or not.

MysteryBelle · 31/08/2023 21:47

From what you’ve described there is no way I’d leave my baby with her. Are you putting up with her complete inexperience and immaturity to not pay much for childcare? I don’t get it. And whole days where she does nothing. The person caring for your child should be of the upmost competence and empathetic to children. She’s not even capable of showing human concern or care for your child. She doesn’t even know when and how to change a diaper. Cleanliness, hygiene, and preventing diaper rash are meaningless concepts to her 😳 remember she will be modeling to your child how a person behaves, and she is not exactly what you want in that department.

I would rather take care of my own child and forgo my own ambitions and luxuries, job satisfaction, whatever you want to call it, for a little while—that time goes so fast when children are little—than place my child and his safety and well being in the care of an incompetent, unaware, imperceptive person who has no clue what she’s doing. Awkward too. Why?

116a · 31/08/2023 21:46

Snkt · 31/08/2023 21:42

@6monthsto50 @116a who said I don't send him to nursery (because I do 3 days a week) and who said I don't change his diaper at night or don't want to? If you want to #mumpolice then kindly leave the conversation. She put him to bed ONCE because I had late work calls and my husband is bedridden atm and can't do it. Otherwise she only changes his nappy while I am working.

Gosh, you're rude.
Seeing as you're not listening to anyone on this thread it's clear you just came on here to stealth brag. 😂

crunchymama · 31/08/2023 21:46

Snkt · 31/08/2023 21:44

@Greensleeves but she's not because one of us is always in the room with her she's just entertaining him while we work/ helping feed him etc. But yes she needs to run up and change his diaper while we work. I have also looked well and deep into au pair responsibilities before I shared a contract and expectations with her which she was happy with.

It may be an issue if you are there with your son in the same room while you are wanting to work...

I know my toddler would just want me if she was in the same room as me! Your son hardly knows her.

Original poster
Snkt · 31/08/2023 21:45

@TenOhSeven I change his nappies when I am not working. I am not a robot. I can't do it all. otherwise, again why is she here if she can't help.

OP posts:
Maplestars · 31/08/2023 21:45

Hmm as an au pair I struggled at times with the kids, I was an unrelated adult, I loved them, but I was worried about crossing a line and being over familiar, i had one family who expected that i be formal,
the next were more like you, but that took me time to figure out
Maybe she’s just unsure.

also one family I had thought it was very rude if i ‘locked myself away’ and another family who very much wanted me to be invisible when I wasn’t working.
so maybe she just doesn’t know.

Original poster
Snkt · 31/08/2023 21:44

@Greensleeves but she's not because one of us is always in the room with her she's just entertaining him while we work/ helping feed him etc. But yes she needs to run up and change his diaper while we work. I have also looked well and deep into au pair responsibilities before I shared a contract and expectations with her which she was happy with.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 31/08/2023 21:44

Also it's really common for a child not to settle with a carer if they know their parent is in the house. A trained and experienced nanny would know that and would have the strategies and the resilience to manage it. It's WAY above an au pair's pay grade.

TenOhSeven · 31/08/2023 21:42

Snkt · 31/08/2023 21:23

They can't be fully in charge of children under 3 I think but she's not. Someone is always home. We are always doing stuff with him even when working. So she's never really left with him.

You need to add nappy changes to the list of stuff you're "always doing".

Original poster
Snkt · 31/08/2023 21:42

@6monthsto50 @116a who said I don't send him to nursery (because I do 3 days a week) and who said I don't change his diaper at night or don't want to? If you want to #mumpolice then kindly leave the conversation. She put him to bed ONCE because I had late work calls and my husband is bedridden atm and can't do it. Otherwise she only changes his nappy while I am working.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snkt · 31/08/2023 21:40

@NuffSaidSam yes for now at least she's not and will not be unless we are all comfortable. In any way he cries within 10 minutes of being with her without me.

OP posts:
GunkyAndGungey · 31/08/2023 21:39

Snkt · 31/08/2023 21:11

I used to think so as well but our previous nanny didn't have much experience and was only 22 and she did so well.

But she was a nanny

You now have an au pair

They are not the same thing Hmm

Greensleeves · 31/08/2023 21:37

You're asking an au pair to do a nanny's job. She clearly isn't up to it, which is unsurprising; there's a reason why nannies are vastly more expensive than au pairs. She IS being left in sole charge of him for periods while you are working, and it isn't safe or fair, either for her or for your son. You need a complete rethink.

116a · 31/08/2023 21:36

6monthsto50 · 31/08/2023 21:26

I would always make sure I changed my baby at night and he had a clean bum why would you leave this to an au pair?

2 weeks is not a long time for an au pair to settle in I would say at least 6 weeks and then review.

An au pair is not a qualified nanny either.

Edited

Exactly.

Not wanting to send your kid to a nursery but at the same time not wanting to change your sons nappy for bed?

Skinnermarink · 31/08/2023 21:35

This is rubbish, sorry. How much are you paying her for this arrangement? Because, reading between the lines, I’m betting you leave her in sole care quite a lot, and then get pissed off when she’s overwhelmed and getting it wrong.

Something isn’t quite adding up for me.

LoveSummerNotIcecream · 31/08/2023 21:34

You’re trying to get cheap childcare. It’s clearly not working out. You need a nanny or nursery. Why are you complaining but not listening to peoples answers? Get a nanny.

TheLongGloriesOfTheWinterMoon · 31/08/2023 21:34

Where is she from, and what kind of agency did you get her from? Is she signed up for language lessons yet?

I ask because I worked as an au pair when I was at university (in the long summer break) and it is hard at first to know what's expected of you if the family doesn't make it clear. Unpleasant too if they make it clear that when you aren't looking after the child, they don't want you around.

Not sure why for such short periods of time you don't think you'd be better with an ad hoc babysitter, someone that has the child for the few hours a day they're needed.

PenguinPete · 31/08/2023 21:33

I smell privilege.

MrsKwazi · 31/08/2023 21:31

You need a nanny or put tour child in a nursery 5 days a week like millions of other working parents. An au pair is not a cheap nanny sub, they are two very diff things. An au pair is more like a family friend or relative helping out a few hours per day. You expect too much. Sole care is totally inappropriate here

NuffSaidSam · 31/08/2023 21:29

Snkt · 31/08/2023 21:25

@Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon I agree and no she can't be left alone with him at this point. She's first aid trained. Wants to be a paed. So I hope she can handle a situation but zero confidence in that yet so she's never alone with him atm - maybe 30 min. She does take him to the park but she can't take him anywhere else for now at least.

So she's never alone with him....except for half an hour at a time and when she takes him to the park?

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 31/08/2023 21:27

Snkt · 31/08/2023 21:23

They can't be fully in charge of children under 3 I think but she's not. Someone is always home. We are always doing stuff with him even when working. So she's never really left with him.

Unless you are always in the same room as her, for the full 2 days she is working, then they are fully in charge of that child? You mention you have a big house, and you’re working, so she will have plenty of time alone with him and I would want to be 100% sure that she is capable of looking after a young toddler during that time. If she’s not then I would need to have a Plan b, adjust / reduce working hours or hire a nanny.

NuffSaidSam · 31/08/2023 21:26

Snkt · 31/08/2023 21:22

so what should be my expectations of an au pair? These are all things we discussed with her before she joined. My expectation is she needs to take care of LO, while at least one of us is home, while we work otherwise what's the point for us? If we still need someone to help with LO or consider sending him to nursery 5 days a weeks then why would she be here? She will literally only have him 2 days a week which I already think is little.

People aren't suggesting that you keep the au pair AND use nursery/a nanny. They're saying get rid of the au pair and use nursery or a nanny instead.

6monthsto50 · 31/08/2023 21:26

I would always make sure I changed my baby at night and he had a clean bum why would you leave this to an au pair?

2 weeks is not a long time for an au pair to settle in I would say at least 6 weeks and then review.

An au pair is not a qualified nanny either.