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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Nanny has offered free childcare

133 replies

Teacakeorcrumpet · 25/05/2023 08:32

I found out yesterday our nanny has organised for eldest DC's new friend to come to our house for 2 full days next week. We employ our nanny 45hrs a week to care for DC aged 8, 5 and 2. As far as I can tell the nanny has invited this friend directly speaking to the child's parent without consulting me and apparently they will be arriving at 8.30am on Monday morning for the full day and the same on Tuesday.

Parents of the child have not contacted me at all about this. I'm not comfortable at all. The child is in the same school class as my eldest but has never been to our house before and I've only spoken to the parents once or twice.

I feel like I'm being used as free childcare for 2 days and the parents haven't even had the decency to check with me that this is OK or offer to share costs.

The nanny is planning to take them on a day trip on Monday so I'll have the extra cost of petrol, lunch out and giving this child dinner when they get back. On Tuesday they're going to an adventure park for the day and again I feel like I'm expected to cover all costs without being asked. Feels like total CF behaviour.

Not even sure why I'm posting other than to vent and see if anyone else's nanny ever puts them in such an awkward position! This is the latest in a string of small annoyances and I'm thinking its time for the nanny to move elsewhere. Youngest DC will be at nursery in Sept anyway so we will only need after school care then. Would I be unreasonable to give her notice that we don't need her for Sept onwards?

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NuffSaidSam · 26/05/2023 20:20

The nanny has clearly overstepped, but I find your response absolutely bizarre.

In this situation you say, either at the time or later when you'd had time to think, 'Hi Jane, really kind of you to offer to look after Abigail next week, but that's not really going to work for us so please let her parents know it can't go ahead as planned'.

You don't snivel off to Mumsnet to start a thread talking about sacking her and then further speculate about whether she's being paid etc. Just speak to the woman!!

It's also verging on unbelievable that she would agree to look after this child and the only contact number she has is the child's....and you're going to call the child to try and talk to the parents?!

justagirlfromedgware · 26/05/2023 20:06

cansu · 26/05/2023 20:01

She should have checked. However she is not gaining financially and is likely thinking it will be fun for your ds. Personally I would delighted that I didn't have to organise or do anything while my ds had a fab time with his friend. You sound like you are looking for problems.

But it's not a friend, just a random from the child's class! OP you're absolutely right to object.

cansu · 26/05/2023 20:01

She should have checked. However she is not gaining financially and is likely thinking it will be fun for your ds. Personally I would delighted that I didn't have to organise or do anything while my ds had a fab time with his friend. You sound like you are looking for problems.

honeylulu · 26/05/2023 19:58

I agree socialising is a completely different scenario to being in loco parenting for a full day or two full days. My daughter has a friend over for playdates and sleepovers but playdates are 3-4 hours max and sleepovers roughly half a day from early evening to mid morning. Any longer and there is the risk of squabbling and sulking. That's then not socialising- that's a chore for the carer and not enjoyable for the children.

Original poster
Teacakeorcrumpet · 26/05/2023 19:58

I would be fine with the child coming over for a couple of hours, also fine with the child going to the same day out with an adult who had parental responsibility for them, so there would be more than just the nanny looking after 4 children on her own all day. At a push I don't mind doing someone a favour if they have no childcare but that would be my choice for my friends, not dictated by a person I hardly know.

This is none of those things, and I am really annoyed the nanny has put me in such an awkward position. I asked the nanny for the parents number. She doesn't have it only the childs number (irrelevant but an 8 year old with their own mobile was a shock to me). So tomorrow I'll try calling the parents via the childs number and see what happens.

OP posts:
unfortunateevents · 26/05/2023 19:39

Maebh9 · 26/05/2023 19:35

It is different because when I was a kid parents looked after their own children. Now, it's much harder to do that so employees are used but that doesn't negate the need children have to socialise.

This is not socialising which would be time spent with a friend, this is two full days of time spent with someone that is not friends with this child, and the parents haven't even bothered to check that it is ok? If this child would like new friends, a couple of hours or an afternoon would be more normal?

Muncha · 26/05/2023 19:38

I'd say that doesn't work and get her to cancel

Maebh9 · 26/05/2023 19:35

It is different because when I was a kid parents looked after their own children. Now, it's much harder to do that so employees are used but that doesn't negate the need children have to socialise.

unfortunateevents · 26/05/2023 19:21

Maebh9 · 26/05/2023 16:36

When I was a kid, I spent most of my time at my best friend's house. Was her mum "giving free childcare" to my mum by allowing this?? Or were we just normal happy kids building relationships? We're still close friends thirty years later. Glad her mum didn't ban me!

Rather different. That was your best friend, you weren't being sent to the house of some kid in your class whom you weren't friends with, and whose parents your parents had never met.

honeylulu · 26/05/2023 19:18

I would also suspect the other family are bunging her some cash and she's keeping that bit quiet. I would say to her that you aren't happy they have engineered getting something for free (quality childcare) which you have paid for in full, so you'll be asking for them to pay you the equivalent of half the nanny fee for those days. Her reaction will be telling! I think they are both bloody cheeky. The nanny for arranging this without asking you first, especially if she's on the take as well. The other family for not asking you about a proposal that effectively "dilutes" the service you are paying for, even if they're giving the nanny a bung. The purpose of paying through the nose for a nanny is that it's a person dedicated to the care and attention of YOUR children. A couple of hours playdate at home hosted by nanny is totally different to two full days "childcare" including keeping those children watched and safe/supervised in a busy public place.

SheilaFentiman · 26/05/2023 18:42

I have no idea what you mean.

Maebh9 · 26/05/2023 18:37

SheilaFentiman · 26/05/2023 18:35

“Your nanny isn't a normal service provider - she's part of your family.”

Nope, she’s an employee.

Your doesn't see her that way

SheilaFentiman · 26/05/2023 18:35

“Your nanny isn't a normal service provider - she's part of your family.”

Nope, she’s an employee.

Esjolaol1973 · 26/05/2023 18:31

SomeNights · 25/05/2023 08:43

The extra child won't cost any more in petrol unless they're driving their own car?

I'd want to be asked about this but it seems you're also making assumptions (eg about who pays for the theme park) so I'd have a proper conversation about it and why it's happened before jumping to giving notice.

This .Are you jumping to conclusions?

Maebh9 · 26/05/2023 18:30

Your nanny isn't a normal service provider - she's part of your family.

Maebh9 · 26/05/2023 18:29

Seriously did you never randomly take a kid's friend away for the weekend with you all?

Occasionally shocks me how joyless some lives are.

EggInANest · 26/05/2023 18:23

I wish I had known all you lovely MNers who would be happy to host 2-day play dates from 8.30 am to 5pm when I was a working parent!

Also, can you imagine the response to an AIBU: “I have agreed with my friend that my Nanny care for her Dd alongside my own child for 2 days. My Nanny is not happy to take the extra responsibility and says I should have asked her. AIBU?”

Maebh9 · 26/05/2023 16:36

When I was a kid, I spent most of my time at my best friend's house. Was her mum "giving free childcare" to my mum by allowing this?? Or were we just normal happy kids building relationships? We're still close friends thirty years later. Glad her mum didn't ban me!

Toddlerteaplease · 26/05/2023 16:30

Why do you have to cover costs for the other child. Tell your nanny that you will not pay for the other one.

Tellmeimcrazy · 26/05/2023 16:11

Money may not have been changing hands. The other parents may just be taking advantage.

Just say NO OP. It really is that simple.

unfortunateevents · 26/05/2023 15:43

Teacakeorcrumpet · 26/05/2023 13:59

@aloris has summed it up well.

I have raised it with the nanny today before she picks up older DC from school.

The nanny apparently spoke to the dad at the school gates who said he needed someone to take the child next week as he and his wife were working all week (they run a local business between them) and noone in their family could watch the child. So I now think she's probably being given cash in hand by the dad and hasn't been honest with me about why this has all been arranged.

If the other parents or the nanny had actually asked me in advance if the child could tag along for two days because they had no childcare then I wouldn't be so annoyed and at least I could have said no before the DC knew. Its been presented to me as all arranged because of the children and now I'm suspicious its actually the nanny that's benefitting at my expense.

So why haven't you told her that you are unhappy, and that this is not to take place? Yes I strongly suspect money will change hands but regardless you are her employer and if you don't nip this in the bud you will find that this child or others will be turning up at your house all summer.

Hairpinleg · 26/05/2023 15:32

It was obviously that the nanny had arranged to take the child as a cash job. Nobody suddenly invites a child who has never even been to your house to come on a two day long 'play date'. You need to nip this in the bud before it becomes known that she's available to mind other children for cash while also being paid by you. I'd be annoyed that she tried to take advantage like that.

WimpoleHat · 26/05/2023 15:07

It's just part of your children having friends.

I don’t agree. Mutually agreed play dates (agreed with the parent, even if the nanny is hosting) - absolutely. Having your nanny take some random child from your child’s class for two days without asking you? That’s a totally different kettle of fish.

pimplebum · 26/05/2023 15:05

A play date is nice for half term
I would have a conversation and take it from there

FlamingMadKatie · 26/05/2023 15:01

I'm amazed at responses suggesting that you're being difficult, Nanny is 100% out of order. Imagine she's employed by oh I don't know, let's say a solicitors' office as an administrator and she brings some admin to the office to do for another solicitor while she's there being paid by her first company. Would that be ok? Absolutely not. You're paying her to do a specific job, not moonlighting on your hours. The other family should have approached you not her, or maybe she approached them?

Either way, I would have no qualms about telling her that this would not be happening and if she had to have an uncomfortable conversation with the other family then hard luck.

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