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Original poster

Should Granny be allowed to give Grandchild treats?

391 replies

GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 14:58

Long time lurker, first time poster. Question is in the heading, but to give a bit of background…
I babysit a grandchild for my DD and a grandchild for my DS. I look after each child 2 days a week. On one day I have both, the other times I have them separate. DS and DDIL did not want grandchild to have treats until he was 18 months. Grandchild is now nearly two. I give both grandchildren the odd treat (crisps, biscuit, chocolate), but DS and DDIL don’t want me to and say they want to give all the treats. I find this difficult when I have both grandchildren together as DD has always allowed treats.
I want to address this but suspect if there is a falling out they will cut all contact and my grandchildren mean everything to me, so I’m scared of that happening. Any advice on how I can approach this or what you would do? Please be kind to an old grandma full of worry.

OP posts:
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mummyoffourminimes · 13/04/2023 19:19

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 15:07

Nope. Their child, their choice.

If you can’t respect their decisions for their child then you aren’t suitable to be looking after them.

I agree too

saraclara · 13/04/2023 19:16

What do you say to your son when he gives his child a biscuit in front of you, in your house where he doesn't let you do the same?

Original poster
GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 19:12

@thebaneofmylifeisacat from what I have seen he is a lovely supportive husband. DDIL shared when she was pregnant how she wanted to raise DGC. So I think the ideas have come from her. DS is the one who communicates with me on the ‘issues they have’ and certainly is the rule enforcer. DDIL is lovely with me when I do see her.

OP posts:
HappinesDependsOnYou · 13/04/2023 19:09

and it's your right to say no to childcare @ShonaShoop as is it ops right but she hasn't said no

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 13/04/2023 19:05

How is your ds with your dil op?

maddiemookins16mum · 13/04/2023 19:00

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 15:07

Nope. Their child, their choice.

If you can’t respect their decisions for their child then you aren’t suitable to be looking after them.

Urghhh, not you again spouting shit.

SirChenjins · 13/04/2023 18:59

RJnomore1 · 13/04/2023 18:26

We all know a balance in food is a good thing. I don’t think it was said they’re giving the child daily treats was it? Just they want to monitor the treats they get.

if it’s such a wonderful thing to give junk food to the kids, such a life affirming moment that builds a wonderful relationship, and we know that junk food is ok as an occasional treat, one could ask why a grandparent would be so keen to take that huge joy from their own child I guess. Why so selfish.

I also wanted my children’s relationship with their grandparents to be based on the quality of the time they spent together rather than bribery with food/ money/ internet (which is what comes next…) but according to some on this thread (not you!) that makes me a weirdo…

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The OP explained that they give their child treats when not at hers - they just don’t want her to do the same on the 2 days she has their child.

If I were them and and I wanted to take a balanced approach to treats I’d let granny be the one to give my child the treats as part of the fun of being at granny’s with their cousin and ditch them at home.

saraclara · 13/04/2023 18:57

When DS comes in on pick up for a cup of tea, he does give DGC a biscuit when he is having one too.

For goodness sake. The nerve of him!

Original poster
GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 18:52

I’ve lost a post I read so apologies for not tagging you in. Someone asked about the snacks DS gives DGC and if it’s everyday. He has the same as what is at my house, ice cream, cupcakes. I can’t say how often, although DDIL has told me they give him more than she thought she would.
When DS comes in on pick up for a cup of tea, he does give DGC a biscuit when he is having one too.

OP posts:
thebaneofmylifeisacat · 13/04/2023 18:50

Honestly op you need to stand up for yourself.

Your ds is a bully sorry to say it but he sounds a controlling manipulating arse

Original poster
GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 18:45

@rumpsteak i know everybody has different opinions on what is the right amount. I do believe in balance too and my DGC are very active with me. We go to the park or for a walk everyday I have them and if the weather’s bad we do our dancing in the house. They love the dancing so sometimes we do both.

OP posts:
CheeseCakeSunflowers · 13/04/2023 18:35

GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 18:30

@STopItnoww you sound like my DD. I think this is what makes me fearful about the contact. I don’t see DS often, only really when dropping off and picking up. He was very inquisitive about how often I look after DGC1 and insisted it had to be the same to be fair.

@thebaneofmylifeisacat I think he probably is, but I’m just stuck.

But what your ds is wanting is not fair, your dd is happy for you mind her child in the way you want but your ds is insisting on certain rules.

comfyoldjeans · 13/04/2023 18:35

GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 18:34

@comfyoldjeans DD like me struggles financially too. She does get me flowers and things to show her appreciation and once paid for a spa evening for me.
DS gave me my gift at Christmas and said we’ve spent a bit extra on you this year for helping out.
I really don’t need any financial return or gifts. My DGC are the light of my life.

@GrandmaNelly That's good to hear. I'm glad they appreciate you!

Original poster
GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 18:34

@comfyoldjeans DD like me struggles financially too. She does get me flowers and things to show her appreciation and once paid for a spa evening for me.
DS gave me my gift at Christmas and said we’ve spent a bit extra on you this year for helping out.
I really don’t need any financial return or gifts. My DGC are the light of my life.

OP posts:
Screwballs · 13/04/2023 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

The irony of calling my life sad and yourself a seasoned mumsnetter in the same sentence really shouldn't be lost.

You sound very angry, I hope your evening gets better. TTFN.

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 13/04/2023 18:32

Screwballs · 13/04/2023 18:24

Ahh I found it. You should really have a glass of wine, you'll feel better after 😘

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Ah I see, you've been drinking. Makes sense now.

Your sounding more like my mother with every post.

Original poster
GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 18:30

@STopItnoww you sound like my DD. I think this is what makes me fearful about the contact. I don’t see DS often, only really when dropping off and picking up. He was very inquisitive about how often I look after DGC1 and insisted it had to be the same to be fair.

@thebaneofmylifeisacat I think he probably is, but I’m just stuck.

OP posts:
comfyoldjeans · 13/04/2023 18:30

GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 15:13

@Goodoccasionallypoor not especially. We aren’t particularly close and I feel as though I was asked to be child care as a last resort. I get lots of telephone calls to tell me the ‘rules’ they want me to follow and of course I oblige. It has been insinuated how lucky I am to be trusted with my grandchild and when I was poorly one week they asked me to do an extra day the next week so I didn’t miss out. DS did say if I give treats they will have to make other arrangements.

Oh wow OP...do they compensate you in any way for your time? When my mum was looking after the kids, we didn't 'pay' her but we looked after her with lots of things like vouchers and treats out etc. she was doing a huge favour and saving us money too!

If that's not the case it sounds almost as though your children are getting the best end of the deal, free childcare and trying to make you think you're the lucky one for doing them a favour?

I realise that's not the point of the thread but that's what jumped out at me. Personally I think that their rules are really ridiculous and having the odd treat at granny's house is part of the experience of being at granny's house! But if that's the way they want it, as daft as it sounds, probably best to respect it.

However I would say that if they're reading you a list of rules and making out they're doing you a favour, you could remind them that while you live having the kids, you do not want to be taken for granted.

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 13/04/2023 18:29

This reply has been deleted

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RJnomore1 · 13/04/2023 18:26

SirChenjins · 13/04/2023 17:30

You could ask the same thing of the child’s parents @RJnomore1 - they’re happy for their child to have treats the other 5 days of the week

We all know a balance in food is a good thing. I don’t think it was said they’re giving the child daily treats was it? Just they want to monitor the treats they get.

if it’s such a wonderful thing to give junk food to the kids, such a life affirming moment that builds a wonderful relationship, and we know that junk food is ok as an occasional treat, one could ask why a grandparent would be so keen to take that huge joy from their own child I guess. Why so selfish.

I also wanted my children’s relationship with their grandparents to be based on the quality of the time they spent together rather than bribery with food/ money/ internet (which is what comes next…) but according to some on this thread (not you!) that makes me a weirdo…

Screwballs · 13/04/2023 18:24

Screwballs · 13/04/2023 18:22

LOL @ "come for" you

Did you have a fit after the question mark?

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Ahh I found it. You should really have a glass of wine, you'll feel better after 😘

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 13/04/2023 18:24

You sound lovely op and the care sounds fab.

Your son doesn't know he's born. My advice 'ok sorry I will obviously try to keep to your wishes but it's too stressful for me so yes please feel free to play for childcare!'

Christ if this was either of my grown up sons talking to me that way they would be wearing the bloody squash

STopItnoww · 13/04/2023 18:23

@GrandmaNelly
Just stop providing them with childcare. They will soon get the message that you are doing them a favour. It's a favour not an obligation. They are treating you like you are paid help.
Focus on your granddaughter - I have a feeling they will continue to be unreasonable about things to come in the next few years.

Screwballs · 13/04/2023 18:22

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 13/04/2023 18:18

You come for me and have the nerve to tell me to give it a wobble? FOTTFSOFATFOSM

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LOL @ "come for" you

Did you have a fit after the question mark?

rumpsteak · 13/04/2023 18:21

GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 18:19

I’m overwhelmed at all the responses. Thank you so much. I’m still working my way through them all as they pop up faster than I can read them. I really appreciate the support and suggestions as I have been feeling rather anxious about it all.
Rather than doing individual replies (I’m not all that quick) I’ll hopefully try to answer the questions more generally below.
The paid childcare was said by DS when I gave DGC some squash, I didn’t realise this was not allowed. I was told not to and if I did again they would pay for childcare if they had to.
The children do get fruit and yoghurt I add this to the meals they have. DS is funny about grapes and raisins in case DGC chokes, but I love the idea of a fruit kebab and will do that with them.
The routine I already had established with DGC1 was x 1 of something on a morning and x 1 on an afternoon. I have them usually between 8-8:30 until 5:30-6ish.
The snacks they chose from Grandma’s goody cupboard are a packet of crisps (like quavers, bears or something similar but the cheap brands) x1 choc biscuit (usually a cookie or digestive) or x1 fun size chocolate bar.
The afternoon one is only if they have been well behaved. (They always are, I’m very lucky)
For those who asked yes I did do the extra day after I was poorly.
I have never intentionally broken any rules. I just want to be fair on everyone.
Sorry for the long post hope I captured everything

Two unhealthy snacks like that is too much in mu opinion.