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Original poster

Should Granny be allowed to give Grandchild treats?

391 replies

GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 14:58

Long time lurker, first time poster. Question is in the heading, but to give a bit of background…
I babysit a grandchild for my DD and a grandchild for my DS. I look after each child 2 days a week. On one day I have both, the other times I have them separate. DS and DDIL did not want grandchild to have treats until he was 18 months. Grandchild is now nearly two. I give both grandchildren the odd treat (crisps, biscuit, chocolate), but DS and DDIL don’t want me to and say they want to give all the treats. I find this difficult when I have both grandchildren together as DD has always allowed treats.
I want to address this but suspect if there is a falling out they will cut all contact and my grandchildren mean everything to me, so I’m scared of that happening. Any advice on how I can approach this or what you would do? Please be kind to an old grandma full of worry.

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Original poster
GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 21:02

I do my best to follow the rules I have never knowingly/intentionally broken any rules and I wouldn’t. If DS did not let DGC have anything I would certainly follow/support this, it’s more so that I was hoping I would be allowed to indulge DHC2 as they do anyway and then I can treat DGC together. Even if that meant compromising and treating them less often.

OP posts:
BeastOfBODMAS · 13/04/2023 20:49

Surely if the parents don’t trust Granny to make reasonable decisions, they shouldn’t be using her for childcare full stop.

My mum is a bit the opposite in that if I make a passing comment, she’ll take it as The Rules For Ever. E.g when DD was a tiny just weaning baby, I mentioned we didn’t give her more than 1/3 banana at once. Mum recently worried 18mo DD eating a whole banana was against The Rules, nope she’s bigger now it’s fine!

RosesofAmsterdam · 13/04/2023 20:43

Sounds tricky, but would be solved easily if the morning and afternoon snacks they can pick from are healthy, instead of crisps and chocolate. Surely you care about their health, and teeth?

Original poster
GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 20:38

@Mammyloveswine i love my DC the same, but I have always had a ‘fuller’ relationship with DD. DS and DDIL have always been quite distant. I would say it’s got worse since I lost my DH, but not sure if that’s my fault for trying to avoid confrontation. My DD says I need to be stronger.

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 13/04/2023 20:28

Just read all your updates @GrandmaNelly. Sorry but your DS sounds horrible and the way he treats you is absolutely disgusting!!! Id be calling him out on how he treats HIS OWN MOTHER!

Has he always been so entitled and self important? He is being a vile, manipulative bully and I do wonder how he treats his wife too.

No way would I put up with a sibling acting like this with my parents!!! Tbh my parents would tell me to piss off and arrange my own childcare if I did!

You sound absolutely wonderful and this thread hurts my heart at how your immense generosity and kindness is being repaid.

My dad once looked after my 6 month old for 2 hours... I came back and they were sat in the sun sharing a magnum! Not at all what I'd give him but a few licks of ice cream really didn't do him any harm! (I mean ice cream his favourite food now but I'm pretty sure it's not down to those few licks 7 years ago Grin)

NerrSnerr · 13/04/2023 20:28

I do think they're being unreasonable and definitely being cheeky as they're getting free childcare. The problem is it's their choice who does childcare and continuing to give treats will run the risk of them not letting you do it. I suspect it won't though as 2 days childcare will save them a fortune.

Tuters · 13/04/2023 20:22

He's controlling your time with your other DGC too OP and I imagine he knows that.
I think this is jealousy pure and simple because he knows that you wouldn't give 1 without the other, he then had to come up with a BS excuse.

Original poster
GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 20:22

@Mammyloveswine three days a week I childmind my DGC. I also see DGC1 with DD as I am quite lonely, normally 1-2 days a week I spend with DD.
Yes, one biscuit or one fun size chocolate.

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 13/04/2023 20:12

So you are giving up your ENTIRE week to give presumably free childcare?! Does your DIL mother help out?

Unless you are literally feeding a diet of nothing but crisps, party rings and ice cream then they are being so bloody ridiculous!! Even at nursery etc they get a treat eg cake and custard!!

Honestly op you are not at all being unreasonable! Just give the treat on a weds and deny all knowledge if asked Grin

I assume you mean a biscuit or small pack of buttons or similar and not a full on tube of Pringles!

LadyJ2023 · 13/04/2023 19:53

They don't sound nice tbh. I would never treat my mum or mum in law like this when they have the grandkids. Your being a brilliant gran and yes it sounds like your being used. But its not the child's fault and I'm glad you love them all.

saraclara · 13/04/2023 19:46

QuickNameChangeForMeToday · 13/04/2023 19:36

Your son is bullying you into doing it. They want to be the Disney parents who dole out treats and you are big mean grandma.

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I am genuinely curious about their thinking behind this. It's a bizarre thing for them to have in place and to be SO rigid about.

saraclara · 13/04/2023 19:44

You also should have checked re. the squash and not just assumed.

Seriously? This is the child's grandmother, who is providing regular childcare twice a week, free of charge, and she is expected to ask permission before anything she offers the child to eat or drink, passes his mouth?

Do you ever let your child go to someone else's house without a list of things they're allowed to eat or drink? Do they ever get to go to a party?

Mariposista · 13/04/2023 19:40

SirChenjins · 13/04/2023 15:44

No - the correct analogy here would be @Mariposista allowing TV at home but then insisting her children can't watch it at granny's house - just because she said so.

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Exactly and we don't do that!
If MIL wanted to share a particular show with them, she'd let us know and we'd say that's ok if it's not an all the time thing (and provided it was appropriate of course), but I wouldn't dream of foot stamping and laying down the law in HER house when she is offering us help.

Potplant19 · 13/04/2023 19:36

You sound a lot like my mum who adores who grandchildren and very kindly looks after our child two days a week, saving us hundreds and allowing them to have a wonderful relationship. I would be mortified if she felt the way that you do. I am so grateful for the love and care she brings to our children, that I'm sure they will carry with them as they get older.

I wouldn't get too hung up on the snack/treat situation, just avoid it by sticking to healthy snacks and it doesn't need to be an issue. It must be so hard as you clearly adore your grandchildren but are not being treated fairly.

QuickNameChangeForMeToday · 13/04/2023 19:36

GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 19:22

@saraclara i asked DS if he could have the biscuit with his cousin instead. He said “we’ve already spoke about this twice before and we want to give him the treats.” One of the times before when I raised DGC1 had treats, he said “if you can’t respect our wishes and can’t say no to DGC1 we can look into alternative childcare”
I haven’t said anything since .

Your son is bullying you into doing it. They want to be the Disney parents who dole out treats and you are big mean grandma.

STopItnoww · 13/04/2023 19:32

@GrandmaNelly
I honestly think you need to step up for yourself and show them that you are not to be treated in this manner. Just explain that it is too difficult for you to continue this arrangement. They will of course feel very unhappy about it and they may even accuse you of favouritism and may go low contact.
I would for now just focus your energy on your daughter and your granddaughter. They are the ones who appreciate all you do for this family.

saltwater1985 · 13/04/2023 19:30

Anyone else glad they're not related to @SunnySaturdayMorning ?

ShonaShoop · 13/04/2023 19:28

HappinesDependsOnYou · 13/04/2023 19:09

and it's your right to say no to childcare @ShonaShoop as is it ops right but she hasn't said no

Yep. And it’s OP’s DS right to pay for childcare. If the bit of chocolate and few crisps his dc gets at grandma’s is so terrible why hasn’t he found alternate care for his dc?

SirChenjins · 13/04/2023 19:25

GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 19:22

@saraclara i asked DS if he could have the biscuit with his cousin instead. He said “we’ve already spoke about this twice before and we want to give him the treats.” One of the times before when I raised DGC1 had treats, he said “if you can’t respect our wishes and can’t say no to DGC1 we can look into alternative childcare”
I haven’t said anything since .

So even though he’s having a biscuit at your house and he’s happy for his child to have a biscuit the only person who can actually physically give your DGC said biscuit is him?

Yeah, he’s bonkers.

Screwballs · 13/04/2023 19:25

GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 19:22

@saraclara i asked DS if he could have the biscuit with his cousin instead. He said “we’ve already spoke about this twice before and we want to give him the treats.” One of the times before when I raised DGC1 had treats, he said “if you can’t respect our wishes and can’t say no to DGC1 we can look into alternative childcare”
I haven’t said anything since .

... I mean...?! What do you even say to this level of sheer bloody mindedness?! Politely tell DS to sod off and pay for his childcare, I cannot believe how badly you are being treated by your own child.

jannier · 13/04/2023 19:24

GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 19:22

@saraclara i asked DS if he could have the biscuit with his cousin instead. He said “we’ve already spoke about this twice before and we want to give him the treats.” One of the times before when I raised DGC1 had treats, he said “if you can’t respect our wishes and can’t say no to DGC1 we can look into alternative childcare”
I haven’t said anything since .

So he's a control freek not about child's health

Original poster
GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 19:22

@saraclara i asked DS if he could have the biscuit with his cousin instead. He said “we’ve already spoke about this twice before and we want to give him the treats.” One of the times before when I raised DGC1 had treats, he said “if you can’t respect our wishes and can’t say no to DGC1 we can look into alternative childcare”
I haven’t said anything since .

OP posts:
SirChenjins · 13/04/2023 19:22

And that many health advisory boards don’t even recommend giving them until 4 years old minimum

Really? Which boards?

jannier · 13/04/2023 19:22

GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 18:52

I’ve lost a post I read so apologies for not tagging you in. Someone asked about the snacks DS gives DGC and if it’s everyday. He has the same as what is at my house, ice cream, cupcakes. I can’t say how often, although DDIL has told me they give him more than she thought she would.
When DS comes in on pick up for a cup of tea, he does give DGC a biscuit when he is having one too.

Do you say anything to him when he gets the biscuits out?

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 19:19

GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 18:19

I’m overwhelmed at all the responses. Thank you so much. I’m still working my way through them all as they pop up faster than I can read them. I really appreciate the support and suggestions as I have been feeling rather anxious about it all.
Rather than doing individual replies (I’m not all that quick) I’ll hopefully try to answer the questions more generally below.
The paid childcare was said by DS when I gave DGC some squash, I didn’t realise this was not allowed. I was told not to and if I did again they would pay for childcare if they had to.
The children do get fruit and yoghurt I add this to the meals they have. DS is funny about grapes and raisins in case DGC chokes, but I love the idea of a fruit kebab and will do that with them.
The routine I already had established with DGC1 was x 1 of something on a morning and x 1 on an afternoon. I have them usually between 8-8:30 until 5:30-6ish.
The snacks they chose from Grandma’s goody cupboard are a packet of crisps (like quavers, bears or something similar but the cheap brands) x1 choc biscuit (usually a cookie or digestive) or x1 fun size chocolate bar.
The afternoon one is only if they have been well behaved. (They always are, I’m very lucky)
For those who asked yes I did do the extra day after I was poorly.
I have never intentionally broken any rules. I just want to be fair on everyone.
Sorry for the long post hope I captured everything

“Funny about grapes”? You are aware how dangerous grapes are, right? That they should be quartered lengthwise? And that many health advisory boards don’t even recommend giving them until 4 years old minimum?

It’s also very unhealthy in terms of relationship to food to offer it as a “treat” for good behaviour.

You also should have checked re. the squash and not just assumed.