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Original poster

Should Granny be allowed to give Grandchild treats?

391 replies

GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 14:58

Long time lurker, first time poster. Question is in the heading, but to give a bit of background…
I babysit a grandchild for my DD and a grandchild for my DS. I look after each child 2 days a week. On one day I have both, the other times I have them separate. DS and DDIL did not want grandchild to have treats until he was 18 months. Grandchild is now nearly two. I give both grandchildren the odd treat (crisps, biscuit, chocolate), but DS and DDIL don’t want me to and say they want to give all the treats. I find this difficult when I have both grandchildren together as DD has always allowed treats.
I want to address this but suspect if there is a falling out they will cut all contact and my grandchildren mean everything to me, so I’m scared of that happening. Any advice on how I can approach this or what you would do? Please be kind to an old grandma full of worry.

OP posts:
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BouncerFish · 13/04/2023 15:32

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 15:23

It’s part of a wider problem.

If granny cannot respect the choices they have made for their child - whether that be something as innocuous as snacks or something as important as car safety - they aren’t suitable to look after said child.

So if granny goes ahead and gives treats because she thinks it’s okay, you cannot trust she won’t go against other parenting decisions they have made because she doesn’t see the issue.

Show quote history

And this is why I don’t babysit.

ShonaShoop · 13/04/2023 15:32

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 15:23

It’s part of a wider problem.

If granny cannot respect the choices they have made for their child - whether that be something as innocuous as snacks or something as important as car safety - they aren’t suitable to look after said child.

So if granny goes ahead and gives treats because she thinks it’s okay, you cannot trust she won’t go against other parenting decisions they have made because she doesn’t see the issue.

Show quote history

OP can advocate for her GC to be sent to nursery and have “healthy snacks”. I totally agree.

SirChenjins · 13/04/2023 15:32

So if granny goes ahead and gives treats because she thinks it’s okay, you cannot trust she won’t go against other parenting decisions they have made because she doesn’t see the issue

Their parenting decisions they have made involve giving the same snacks at home.

Mariposista · 13/04/2023 15:31

I wonder if DIL's family get treated to the same bollocks? First child by any chance? Load of rubbish.
My MIL takes care of my two kids after school occasionally and I wouldn't dream of striding into her house with a rule book. My only request is no screens, as we are screen free but this isn't an issue.

BCBird · 13/04/2023 15:31

If u.r doing it for free and u r not being excessive with the trests then they are being unreasonable. Ss people say they can.pay and stipulate with a nursery.what they expect

neilyoungismyhero · 13/04/2023 15:31

MintJulia · 13/04/2023 15:23

Don't give traditional treats then.

Instead make sure your dgc has access to nice healthy food - cherry tomatoes, nice cheese, a wide variety of fresh fruits and really good breads with butter.

Problem solved 😊

Dear lord

Screwballs · 13/04/2023 15:30

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 15:23

It’s part of a wider problem.

If granny cannot respect the choices they have made for their child - whether that be something as innocuous as snacks or something as important as car safety - they aren’t suitable to look after said child.

So if granny goes ahead and gives treats because she thinks it’s okay, you cannot trust she won’t go against other parenting decisions they have made because she doesn’t see the issue.

Show quote history

This is just hyper control. Its a snack. It doesnt mean shes going to sit him on her lap in the car. Shes obviously managed to raise two children herself without anyone dying, unless we are talking allergies then its frankly bloody patronising. My answer to having the minutia of my day dictated to like that would be for them to find alternative care. Shes already stated they've made her feel like she was bottom of the pile and should be grateful for the opportunity to make their lives easier. Disgraceful and a complete lack of respect, son should give his head a wobble.

rumpsteak · 13/04/2023 15:29

JUst don't give treats. It's not hard.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 15:29

Lastnamedidntstick · 13/04/2023 15:20

Lol.

that’s the parents choice. If they aren’t happy with how grandma looks after the child
for free, they can choose paid childcare.

I am willing to bet they’ll soon compromise when their alternative is to pay £100/week + for 2 days nursery.

if someone is doing you a massive favour providing free Childcare, you don’t get to stipulate how they look after the child. If it’s not up to your standards, pay.

Show quote history

Exactly. I would rather pay someone who would follow the decisions I made for my child.

Going against what I have said is not doing me a favour.

SirChenjins · 13/04/2023 15:28

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 15:23

It’s part of a wider problem.

If granny cannot respect the choices they have made for their child - whether that be something as innocuous as snacks or something as important as car safety - they aren’t suitable to look after said child.

So if granny goes ahead and gives treats because she thinks it’s okay, you cannot trust she won’t go against other parenting decisions they have made because she doesn’t see the issue.

Show quote history

Sounds like a paid nursery would be a better choice for them - these sorts of things then wouldn't be an issue. Stipulating that granny can't give any treats (even though they give them at home) and asking the OP to do an extra day the next week after she was ill so she didn’t miss out makes them sound like a pair of fools.

Upwiththelark76 · 13/04/2023 15:28

Dear OP they sound awful . Happy for you to be the unpaid childcare option. Feel sorry for you I really do .

Eggseggseverywhere · 13/04/2023 15:27

Op maybe change what you consider treats...
At 2/3 my dd's loved a bowl of cut up salad and fruit.
Treats don't have to be sugary snacks.

Goodoccasionallypoor · 13/04/2023 15:25

When you say odd treat, do you mean a single biscuit after lunch or a pack of crisps, some biscuits and chocolate throughout the day?

Original poster
GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 15:24

@shivawn we aren’t particularly close. There are a lot of rules to follow, but I guess it’s up to them. It’s their first/only child too, so not sure if that contributes.

@heldinadream 3, so I’ve been looking after DG1 longer and already had our ‘treat time’ established.

@SunnySaturdayMorning I do respect their decisions but I’m now in a difficult position of having to treat DGC differently. They give treats so I don’t understand why one treat can’t be given when I have them both together.

@JulieHoney i don’t go mad. They are allowed one thing each, if they have been well behaved they 2 (max)

OP posts:
SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 15:23

Screwballs · 13/04/2023 15:17

Respect their decision that only they can give snacks? We arent talking about child not being allowed them full stop, just the unpaid nanny isnt allowed to benefit from giving him a treat. Ridiculous.

Show quote history

It’s part of a wider problem.

If granny cannot respect the choices they have made for their child - whether that be something as innocuous as snacks or something as important as car safety - they aren’t suitable to look after said child.

So if granny goes ahead and gives treats because she thinks it’s okay, you cannot trust she won’t go against other parenting decisions they have made because she doesn’t see the issue.

AliceTheeCamel · 13/04/2023 15:23

*her not 'here'

MintJulia · 13/04/2023 15:23

Don't give traditional treats then.

Instead make sure your dgc has access to nice healthy food - cherry tomatoes, nice cheese, a wide variety of fresh fruits and really good breads with butter.

Problem solved 😊

AliceTheeCamel · 13/04/2023 15:22

The word 'treat' mans very different things to different people. To my mind if its at least 1 a day, 2 days a week, that's more often than a 'treat', that's a snack.

You could just not give your granddaughter 'treats' on the day you have both of them. Then she can have something on the day that you just have here (if she kicks up a massive fuss, then it's definitely crossed the line of not being a 'treat' any more!)

HAF1119 · 13/04/2023 15:21

Could you find a bit of a middle ground?

E.g. I'd like to do some baking with them are you happy for them to have one of the cakes if it's not iced and isn't chocolate based?

I'm a bit torn as we do have a bit of an emphasis on 'treats' being fat/sugar giving to children despite the fact parents are told when they have children repeatedly to help make healthy choices etc

Additionally you could ask them to provide alternative snacks they are happy with - they can then give them to have same time as other child has theirs, like a 'pack lunch' and you'll see in time which they are happy to have, you might find both like them! :)

My mum will give my son a few crisps/crackers/some cake which I'm ok with - my dad would allow anything that was asked for and I get the sickness after and I really don't understand the point... so there is that side of it!

Perhaps you can find a middle ground together

ShonaShoop · 13/04/2023 15:21

I provide childcare for two sets of GC too. One has a set routine. Her parents send her dinners and snacks with her.

The other parents don’t.

When I have both sets of DC I provide what I want for lunch, dinner and snacks (for the dc who dont have their dietary needs already in their backpacks).

My philosophy is … If their parents take issue with what I’m providing they are free to pay and place them elsewhere. I do my best.

Lastnamedidntstick · 13/04/2023 15:20

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 15:07

Nope. Their child, their choice.

If you can’t respect their decisions for their child then you aren’t suitable to be looking after them.

Lol.

that’s the parents choice. If they aren’t happy with how grandma looks after the child
for free, they can choose paid childcare.

I am willing to bet they’ll soon compromise when their alternative is to pay £100/week + for 2 days nursery.

if someone is doing you a massive favour providing free Childcare, you don’t get to stipulate how they look after the child. If it’s not up to your standards, pay.

Beamur · 13/04/2023 15:19

You can have nice food that isn't biscuits or sweets.
Smile and nod and follow the rules.
I was pretty relaxed around what my mum gave DD but what she enjoyed most was time with Granny. That's the bit that only comes from time spent with you.

Timeforabiscuit · 13/04/2023 15:19

I think there are a couple of things, firstly if this is a precious first born child - as a parent you can be very by the book about things, but you learn as you go, and by the second child you ease up a bit in general.

If you are looking after two children at the same time, but with parents having very different expectations on foods, then it's going to cause conflict. They either trust you not to go mad with treats, or you don't try to manage both grand children together.

usernamechanged1 · 13/04/2023 15:19

They sound like a nightmare to be honest. What are they scared will happen if their kid has a biscuit or some chocolate?

I think they should appreciate the childcare you provide them (presumably for free) with. A few treats isn’t going to kill anyone.

I guess you could drop the treats on the day you have both grandchildren and save them for the day you have the one who’s allowed them.

Are your DS and DIL overbearing in general?

SirChenjins · 13/04/2023 15:18

Screwballs · 13/04/2023 15:17

Respect their decision that only they can give snacks? We arent talking about child not being allowed them full stop, just the unpaid nanny isnt allowed to benefit from giving him a treat. Ridiculous.

Show quote history

Exactly. The child gets treats at home - the parents give them. The same parents just don't want granny to do the same. It makes no sense.