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Should Granny be allowed to give Grandchild treats?

391 replies

GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 14:58

Long time lurker, first time poster. Question is in the heading, but to give a bit of background…
I babysit a grandchild for my DD and a grandchild for my DS. I look after each child 2 days a week. On one day I have both, the other times I have them separate. DS and DDIL did not want grandchild to have treats until he was 18 months. Grandchild is now nearly two. I give both grandchildren the odd treat (crisps, biscuit, chocolate), but DS and DDIL don’t want me to and say they want to give all the treats. I find this difficult when I have both grandchildren together as DD has always allowed treats.
I want to address this but suspect if there is a falling out they will cut all contact and my grandchildren mean everything to me, so I’m scared of that happening. Any advice on how I can approach this or what you would do? Please be kind to an old grandma full of worry.

OP posts:
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sillysmiles · 13/04/2023 16:59

@SunnySaturdayMorning
So if granny goes ahead and gives treats because she thinks it’s okay, you cannot trust she won’t go against other parenting decisions they have made because she doesn’t see the issue.

No. If you trust someone to look after your children, then you trust them. Beyond things like - they are allergic to x or is having issues with this, you have to accept that someone else is willing to give their time to look after your children, you have to trust them. I don't know of a single GP that looks after their gc that don't have a spare car seat and other equipment cluttering up their house so that the parents don't have to haul stuff everywhere.
If you don't trust them to make good decisions, then why would you let them mind your children.

I also think parents using this idea of you mind my children my way and with no dissent or you never see them are ultimate CF. They are willing to cut GP out of their child's life and deprive their children of (generally) positive and loving adults for spite?

*The obvious caveat of GP shouldn't be minding gc if there is any genuine cause for concern regarding endangerment etc. But a biscuit is not endangerment.

saraclara · 13/04/2023 16:57

We would visit my in-laws every six weeks or so, for a weekend. My MIL was the most loving grandma, and she also loved chocolate and spoiling her grandchildren. I'd roll my eyes, but she was such a wonderful person, I kept my frustration under wraps.

Even when the kids were teenagers and we maybe didn't visit quite so often, she'd occasionally post them a little jiffy envelope with a chocolate treat inside.

She died last year, and the four young adult grandchildren did a joint eulogy for her, where they shared their childhood memories of their wonderful grandma. Guess what stories were among those they told with such love? How much she used to spoil them with sweets and chocolate biscuits, and how she'd find the exact kind of chocolate treat that would fit in a jiffy envelope and survive the Royal Mail!

I'm so glad I didn't kick off at the time and issue rules about it. With time comes perspective.

ShonaShoop · 13/04/2023 16:56

Crimblecrumble1990 · 13/04/2023 16:40

@ShonaShoop I'd rather they didn't buy him any treats, that's the problem! They enjoy doing so as that's how they show their love and I would rather they didn't show it specifically with chocolate magnums... if I provided them with anything that wouldn't cut it for them.

And they have him because they want to spend time with him. I'm on mat leave so don't need childcare...

If you’re not happy with GP care then don’t leave your dc with grandma. Or provide your own snacks. What’s the problem?

Why are you waffling on about magnums? Don’t like it, don’t buy into it

Proudofitbabe · 13/04/2023 16:52

Exactly - you think they’re stupid, but the parents clearly don’t. So what else do you think is stupid? ERF? Safe sleep? Weaning guidelines?

So you cannot be trusted and are not suitably able to look after a child

Totally disagree. If a grandparent is deemed good enough to give free childcare, they should be trusted to do it as they see fit, within reason. This is an absurd, hypocritical demand that the parents are unreasonable to make. It bears no comparison to issues like ERF, as the parents give these treats at home.

What I do realize from your posts and a handful of others is the real shame, that oddball parents will use the concept of "trust" to blackmail caring GPs into pandering to stupid diktats.

ShonaShoop · 13/04/2023 16:52

HappinesDependsOnYou · 13/04/2023 16:36

@ShonaShoop I never said I wanted my sons grandparents to provide them. I merely said I don't like grandparents giving snacks as a bit if empathy with her ds. It might be that her daughter in laws mum is like my husbands step mum and just pours the kids water down the drain to replace it with squash without anyone knowing (and yes she did that on Xmas. He didn't touch it once she replaced it as he hates blackcurrant squash buy hey a treats a treat right?). I suggested it to the op as an alternative to crisps and chocolate etc. They taste like chocolate but don't have sugar so when having treat time with her grandaughter he wont be "left out". She said she is a worried gran and from her op I doubt she wants to just go against her sons wishes so it was just an example. They are a range called organic for kids that do crisps etc and are for after weaning. I did also suggest raisins and fruit but you skipped that

As always the message is… If you don’t like the way GP’s care for your child don’t leave them with GP’s. It not that difficult to comprehend, surely?

Every parent is free to pay for childcare where they can call the shots. That’s it!

If you are present when Grandma gives your PFB something you don’t agree with you can voice your opinion. I’m not getting your angst tbh

Muu · 13/04/2023 16:50

I think they’re being cheeky and if they can’t trust you to be reasonable they should find a suitable nursery or childminder.

noblesix · 13/04/2023 16:50

pizzaHeart · 13/04/2023 16:24

I suppose the problem is that you are not very close so maybe you are not aware about all things e.g I didn’t give my DD certain things because she couldn’t cope with chewing them ( it’s a part of her disability) and could choke but when I’ve told my mum about this she just said : It’s ok I will be there and will watch her. She didn’t know how serious it might be.
I didn’t want this experience for DD at all so it’s easier for me just to say “no” without explanation (and before anyone asks my Mum never ever did babysitting for me, we live in different countries for a start) And then accept the same approach with other things.

My point is that sometimes not listening just once affects mutual trust. It might be not about treats but maybe in other areas ( even before your DGC was born ) you haven’t realized that they want things to be certain way or criticized their views too much and it’s affected your relationship.

Had a similar thing with my mum when DD was on a restricted diet due to a medical condition. We didn't see granny often but whenever she came to visit she'd ply DD with 'treats' that she wasn't allowed to eat. Wouldn't accept there was a problem and totally disregarded our wishes (and those of DD's paed gastroenterologist) so we had to watch her like a flippin hawk to make sure she wasn't slipping DD something that would make her unwell.

Felt totally undermined and unsupported in what was already a quite stressful situation.

(DD could sometimes have a specific type of biscuit for instance so I suppose someone who didn't understand might wonder why she got 'treats' from us and not other people)

gogohmm · 13/04/2023 16:49

If you are looking after the child twice a week you do need to respect their wish not to feed bad foods, it's not an occasional treat, it's a frequent treat. Do you give these foods every time you see them or once every 4-6 weeks, huge difference. No child needs these things, you other grandchild can go a day a week without junk

Fandabedodgy · 13/04/2023 16:47

DS and DSIL are crazy parents of a PFB but best to go along with it as your grandchildren need normal well adjusted people (you) in their lives and it's not worth dying in a ditch for a biscuit or two.

HappinesDependsOnYou · 13/04/2023 16:45

@ShonaShoop I'm not sure why my childcare and my sons grandparents situation seems to offend you so much. No I do not use grandparents for childcare but how do you know op hasn't volunteered? Her son has said he will go elsewhere so isn't hesitating to pay for childcare if needed. How do you know her son isn't providing the snacks and op isn't just ignoring those and giving out what she deems acceptable. Parents saying no to sugar isn't am attack on older generations its just following NHS and WHO advice. I don't judge those who give their kids sugar and who don't. I give my child snacks but it's about the frequency and type. Her son is clearly not wanting his child to have sugar which is his choice and he has said he can find alternative child care it that's an issue. Doesn't sound like op wants to stop the childcare but also doesn't want to leave grandson out. I have suggested toddler snacks as an alternative and showed that actually she isn't being picked on as a grandparent and that others feel the same as her child does.

BigFatLiar · 13/04/2023 16:45

I do respect their decisions but I’m now in a difficult position of having to treat DGC differently. They give treats so I don’t understand why one treat can’t be given when I have them both together.

You could tell ds that you won't be giving their child treats but as you still care for your other gc theirs can't come the same days as you'll be giving the other treats and it would be unfair for him to see the other getting a treat.

MissMarplesbag · 13/04/2023 16:43

Screwballs · 13/04/2023 15:42

This smacks of paternal grandmother treatment, actually.

I think anyone that actually respects their MIL can see what is going on here. Id put money on the fact that the childs maternal grandmother has no such rules.

Show quote history

I was going to say the same thing. My ex sil was very twitchy about rules and what she'd allow the kids to have at my mums. At her parents there were no such rules at all. My DB had to abide by her controlling rules otherwise we'd not be allowed to see dn.

When dn turned 1, sil said they wouldn't be doing a birthday tea party because baby wouldn't remember. Fair enough, we all dropped gifts round the week before. We respected sil's wishes to celebrate privately as a nuclear family. The following day, pictures go up on Facebook of a birthday bbq at her mums with her entire extended family. She is a grade 1 bitch and my brother has finally woken up.

Iwasafool · 13/04/2023 16:40

I do lots of childcare for GC, I always try to respect parents wishes, if I've given more than they want or something then I always let them know but basically it is my house and my rules. I'm doing them a favour so if I occasionally let them watch an extra 15 minutes of cartoons or let them spend the morning in pyjamas or something equally heinous it is just one of those things.

I wouldn't let them smoke a cigar or have their whisky straight though. We all have to have our boundaries.

Crimblecrumble1990 · 13/04/2023 16:40

@ShonaShoop I'd rather they didn't buy him any treats, that's the problem! They enjoy doing so as that's how they show their love and I would rather they didn't show it specifically with chocolate magnums... if I provided them with anything that wouldn't cut it for them.

And they have him because they want to spend time with him. I'm on mat leave so don't need childcare...

HappinesDependsOnYou · 13/04/2023 16:36

@ShonaShoop I never said I wanted my sons grandparents to provide them. I merely said I don't like grandparents giving snacks as a bit if empathy with her ds. It might be that her daughter in laws mum is like my husbands step mum and just pours the kids water down the drain to replace it with squash without anyone knowing (and yes she did that on Xmas. He didn't touch it once she replaced it as he hates blackcurrant squash buy hey a treats a treat right?). I suggested it to the op as an alternative to crisps and chocolate etc. They taste like chocolate but don't have sugar so when having treat time with her grandaughter he wont be "left out". She said she is a worried gran and from her op I doubt she wants to just go against her sons wishes so it was just an example. They are a range called organic for kids that do crisps etc and are for after weaning. I did also suggest raisins and fruit but you skipped that

escapingthecity · 13/04/2023 16:36

I've seen so many posts here from mums despairing that grandparents give small children too much ice cream/chocolate etc and usually the responses are sympathetic. Is it possible they feel they have to be explicit because you've been a bit too generous with the biscuits in the past? For example, my DC go loopy if they have too much chocolate so I'd rather know just what they're having so I can control their intake. I don't want to have them deposited at my door after an outing with granny absolutely high on sugar so I'm left to deal with the come down.

ShonaShoop · 13/04/2023 16:35

NameChange647 · 13/04/2023 16:31

Every thread you read on here where a parent is complaining the person who looks after their child is doing something they don't agree with they are told to stop being ungrateful and pay for childcare if they don't like it. Same should apply in this scenario when its the person doing the childcare posting.

Eh?

JackHackettsMac · 13/04/2023 16:33

RedToothBrush · 13/04/2023 15:35

Here's the thing.

You KNOW it will upset them, but you STILL want to overrule them, because YOU want to do something.

You are hiding behind the other child saying, well its difficult to not give it to this one if I'm giving to the other.

The simple answer here is don't give any of them biscuits or whatever ever it is. Really at that age, they don't need it, and this is all about YOU indulging YOURSELF to feel good for giving them a treat.

This isn't having a ridicilous request over routines etc. This is about you wanting to take control and overrule as grandmother and you are doing a 'I'm just being a nice kind hearted old dear' routine and trying to demonise your kids as some kind of abusive monsters who will cut off all contact with you.

And if the relationship is that tense, then perhaps there really is a problem with you overstepping...

I find this OP, smacks of a reverse tbh due to the tone and the 'poor ickle grandma' vibes about it. If thats not the case, it screams you ARE the problem...

Massive LOL. The controlling ones are the parents who are already giving the child treats.

It more likely that DIL wants to have her cake and eat it. (Free childcare and emergency childcare on demand.)

I’m a granny and visit when it suits me. I’ve never offered to do childcare, the other granny can do that if she wants to. 🤷🏻‍♀️

ShonaShoop · 13/04/2023 16:33

HappinesDependsOnYou · 13/04/2023 16:17

@ShonaShoop that was a giant leap of assumption. For your information I do provide snack for my child and their grandparents don't provide any childcare. I am talking about when we visit actually. One nan offers to take him out for days but this is voluntary when I am off. The only childcare I have is the nursery I pay for so maybe get all the facts before jumping on someone

Which isn’t in anyway a similar scenario to Op’s post is it?!

Any parent who isn’t happy with free child care is free to pay for child care where they call the shots. Agree?

NameChange647 · 13/04/2023 16:31

Every thread you read on here where a parent is complaining the person who looks after their child is doing something they don't agree with they are told to stop being ungrateful and pay for childcare if they don't like it. Same should apply in this scenario when its the person doing the childcare posting.

ShonaShoop · 13/04/2023 16:29

HappinesDependsOnYou · 13/04/2023 15:54

Can you get something more healthy treat wise like the organics gruffalo chocolate biscuits? They don't have any sugar etc but could be his "treat" time or raisins/fruit. I admit I hate grandparents giving my child treats but that's because they ignore his request for water or fruit and give him squash or chocolate instead as if fruit and water was harmful or depriving him in some way. He then leaves the squash or nibbled cake or what ever and just gets dehydrated

There you go… You want Organic Gruffalo snacks for your dc. You buy them. Job done!

Danikm151 · 13/04/2023 16:28

They’re getting free childcare and using against you as a guilt trip

jannier · 13/04/2023 16:27

Snowjokes · 13/04/2023 16:12

Just don’t give the treats they don’t want their child to have! Why does it matter if everyone else thinks treats are fine, their view on them is so strong that they’re willing to consider paid childcare instead. So why would you refuse it? All you’re doing is causing an “I know better than you” argument. Find something else to be the “treat” on the day you have both children, or just drop “treat time” altogether.

I think the issue is that the parents give treats so it's not about whether a child doesn't eat something it's more about the parents wanting to be the only ones to treat their child or just control over gran

Oldnproud · 13/04/2023 16:25

GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 15:13

@Goodoccasionallypoor not especially. We aren’t particularly close and I feel as though I was asked to be child care as a last resort. I get lots of telephone calls to tell me the ‘rules’ they want me to follow and of course I oblige. It has been insinuated how lucky I am to be trusted with my grandchild and when I was poorly one week they asked me to do an extra day the next week so I didn’t miss out. DS did say if I give treats they will have to make other arrangements.

I hope you told them that you were not available to do an extra day the week after you had been ill. They sound very inconsiderate, manipulative and entitled!