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Original poster

Should Granny be allowed to give Grandchild treats?

391 replies

GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 14:58

Long time lurker, first time poster. Question is in the heading, but to give a bit of background…
I babysit a grandchild for my DD and a grandchild for my DS. I look after each child 2 days a week. On one day I have both, the other times I have them separate. DS and DDIL did not want grandchild to have treats until he was 18 months. Grandchild is now nearly two. I give both grandchildren the odd treat (crisps, biscuit, chocolate), but DS and DDIL don’t want me to and say they want to give all the treats. I find this difficult when I have both grandchildren together as DD has always allowed treats.
I want to address this but suspect if there is a falling out they will cut all contact and my grandchildren mean everything to me, so I’m scared of that happening. Any advice on how I can approach this or what you would do? Please be kind to an old grandma full of worry.

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SirChenjins · 13/04/2023 17:24

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 17:20

I agree, as do they. OP’s son has already said they will find alternate childcare if OP is not on board.

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And the OP is also under the impression that if this happens they won’t let her see her grandchild again. She did also say that she got the feeling she was the last resort in childcare though - so perhaps no-one else was willing to go along with their stupid rules.

Nice little line in blackmail they’ve got going on there.

Mariposista · 13/04/2023 17:23

MissMarplesbag · 13/04/2023 16:43

I was going to say the same thing. My ex sil was very twitchy about rules and what she'd allow the kids to have at my mums. At her parents there were no such rules at all. My DB had to abide by her controlling rules otherwise we'd not be allowed to see dn.

When dn turned 1, sil said they wouldn't be doing a birthday tea party because baby wouldn't remember. Fair enough, we all dropped gifts round the week before. We respected sil's wishes to celebrate privately as a nuclear family. The following day, pictures go up on Facebook of a birthday bbq at her mums with her entire extended family. She is a grade 1 bitch and my brother has finally woken up.

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What an absolute arsehole. Your DB is well shot. I hope he has got a fair custody arrangement (preferably one she doesn't like haha)

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 13/04/2023 17:22

I'm 50/50. The whole point of grandparents is to spoil their grandchildren (😉), but by being a child care provider you don't want to be normalising junk food. 18months is a bit young for salty and sugary snacks, perhaps you would be better if treats could be nutritious. I had to ban sugar when mine were toddlers as the sugar rushes were manic! Toddlers eat such tiny amounts compared to adults that they will end up getting full of junk and not eating proper, important meals. Treats should be doing nice things, not just sugar.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 17:20

Justcallmebebes · 13/04/2023 17:14

Hmm Well maybe they should find alternative child care then!!

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I agree, as do they. OP’s son has already said they will find alternate childcare if OP is not on board.

slowquickstep · 13/04/2023 17:18

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 15:07

Nope. Their child, their choice.

If you can’t respect their decisions for their child then you aren’t suitable to be looking after them.

😂

ShonaShoop · 13/04/2023 17:18

HappinesDependsOnYou · 13/04/2023 16:45

@ShonaShoop I'm not sure why my childcare and my sons grandparents situation seems to offend you so much. No I do not use grandparents for childcare but how do you know op hasn't volunteered? Her son has said he will go elsewhere so isn't hesitating to pay for childcare if needed. How do you know her son isn't providing the snacks and op isn't just ignoring those and giving out what she deems acceptable. Parents saying no to sugar isn't am attack on older generations its just following NHS and WHO advice. I don't judge those who give their kids sugar and who don't. I give my child snacks but it's about the frequency and type. Her son is clearly not wanting his child to have sugar which is his choice and he has said he can find alternative child care it that's an issue. Doesn't sound like op wants to stop the childcare but also doesn't want to leave grandson out. I have suggested toddler snacks as an alternative and showed that actually she isn't being picked on as a grandparent and that others feel the same as her child does.

OPs snack time for her GC’s doesn’t offend me at all. I’m not interested in your situation.

If my DS said he didn’t trust me not to give my GC nutritious snacks I’d tell him, in no uncertain terms, to find alternative Child care. If DS didn’t provide suitable snacks for his DC he’d have to accept the snacks I provide or find alternative child care. No ifs or buts about it.

Justcallmebebes · 13/04/2023 17:14

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 15:07

Nope. Their child, their choice.

If you can’t respect their decisions for their child then you aren’t suitable to be looking after them.

Hmm Well maybe they should find alternative child care then!!

Proudofitbabe · 13/04/2023 17:11

@SunnySaturdayMorning that's mighty big of you.

"This is how I raise my child, if you are happy to follow that..." - these parents give the treats at home. This IS how they raise their kids. Is the sugar less sugary at their house?

This is a stupid, pointless, mean-spirited rule and of course it's blackmail to threaten to withhold the kids if granny breaks it. Despicable.

Sugargliderwombat · 13/04/2023 17:11

Just go along with it and bend the rules. 😁

LemonPledge555 · 13/04/2023 17:10

Are you really supposed to see it as a privilege that you’re allowed to look after DGC? Bloody hell. I’d ask them to consider the position you’re in having two, with a well established routine with the first one. And consider what a bloody huge favour you’re doing them in having DGC 2 days a week. Where I live that’s at least £130 a week in nursery fees. It doesn’t sound like you go mad. Are they paying you £130 a week?!

My mum occasionally has my DD6. A few weeks ago DD was out of sorts (not unwell) and my mum had her as a favour to me. I wasn’t best pleased when realised shed let DD watch about 4 hours of iPad (in one day!), but to be fair I hadn’t given any expectations. I’ve now just said 1-1.5 hours max per day please, not in addition to TV - either or. I know she’s doing me a favour and I don’t think she needs a bloody ping list of how to look after her. But her screen time is important to me and even if she doesn’t agree, my mum respects it and we meet in the middle!

sillysmiles · 13/04/2023 17:10

If they want to spend time with my child without me they are free to if they follow the parenting practices I have put into place.

But they are not the parents. They have done their parenting, establishing rules and boundaries, establishing discipline and parental bonding etc.
They are grandparents. Their job isn't to be the ones following the nitty gritty of the rules, because they've done all that already. This time, they get to indulge them and enjoy them as little ones. And the kids get indulged and loved on and fussed over and a general feeling of being adored. For the percentage of their lives they spend with their GPs, being indulged isn't going to turn them into monsters.

ShonaShoop · 13/04/2023 17:10

Crimblecrumble1990 · 13/04/2023 17:00

@ShonaShoop

You are derailing the thread with your chip on your shoulder about some grandparents providing free childcare by incessantly commenting on people offering suggestions.

The OP asked 'what can I do about it'. My suggestion was give them 'healthier' versions of treats.

Let's go 3 times lucky with the magnums because I like them so much: e.g a frozen yoghurt lolly instead of a choc magnum.

HTH.

Parents providing snacks for their DC is out of the question then?

Sugargliderwombat · 13/04/2023 17:10

I don't understand why this is an issue, just give "healthy" treats. Strawberries, yoghurt covered raisins, smoothies.

Marblessolveeverything · 13/04/2023 17:09

Change treats from food to activities that would rare to them instead e g. Painting, water fight.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 13/04/2023 17:09

I think you need to explain that it is unfair to treat the two children differently when they are together so the best thing, if they are unwilling to compromise on the treats, is you cut down to only minding their child on the one day when the other grandchild is not there.

stayathomer · 13/04/2023 17:08

Nope. Their child, their choice.

If you can’t respect their decisions for their child then you aren’t suitable to be looking after them.

oh right okay, because she’s not doing them a favour by minding the children? A child expert was asked this recently op and she said if you’re minding the children the odd treat is totally your choice. I know it’s easy to say, but you are doing them a favour. The entitlement of some people!!!!

ClaudiaWankleman · 13/04/2023 17:05

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 16:20

By doing this you are indicating you cannot be trusted to look after their child.

If I found out anyone had knowingly gone against my wishes with my child they would not see that child unsupervised ever again.

The trust would be gone. It doesn’t matter how small the issue is, you have demonstrated you are not capable of appropriate childcare.

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How old are your children?

saraclara · 13/04/2023 17:04

I also think parents using this idea of you mind my children my way and with no dissent or you never see them are ultimate CF. They are willing to cut GP out of their child's life and deprive their children of (generally) positive and loving adults for spite?

Yep. It's a power trip and nothing else.

Soontobe60 · 13/04/2023 17:04

Just hold off on the treats on the day you have them both together! I look after my grandchildren regularly, and I stick to what my DD says.
I’d introduce a different ‘treat’, like satsuma, jelly (sugar free), rice crackers.

Cornishclio · 13/04/2023 17:03

As a GM myself I think this is extreme but if they are adamant you need to respect that, on the day you have them both together stick to fruit or other things they are happy with. It is not going to kill your other GC not to have biscuits or crisps on that day.

SirChenjins · 13/04/2023 17:03

I absolutely agree @saraclara I remember my granny giving me Smarties and my grandpa giving me 50p (an absolute fortune in those days) to buy sweets from the shop and taking me to the Italian cafe for a bowl of ice cream covered in raspberry sauce. These treats were associated with happy times and I’m so glad my parents didn’t stop them.

My own mum who’s very sadly no longer here did similar with my now adult children, and in turn they have very happy memories of getting sneaky sweets from her. She did me a huge favour by spending a lot of money on train fares and looking after them in the school holidays - I wouldn’t have dreamt of saying ‘DH and I will give them sweets the rest of the year but you mustn’t give them any when you’re looking after them’.

Proudofitbabe · 13/04/2023 17:02

sillysmiles · 13/04/2023 16:59

@SunnySaturdayMorning
So if granny goes ahead and gives treats because she thinks it’s okay, you cannot trust she won’t go against other parenting decisions they have made because she doesn’t see the issue.

No. If you trust someone to look after your children, then you trust them. Beyond things like - they are allergic to x or is having issues with this, you have to accept that someone else is willing to give their time to look after your children, you have to trust them. I don't know of a single GP that looks after their gc that don't have a spare car seat and other equipment cluttering up their house so that the parents don't have to haul stuff everywhere.
If you don't trust them to make good decisions, then why would you let them mind your children.

I also think parents using this idea of you mind my children my way and with no dissent or you never see them are ultimate CF. They are willing to cut GP out of their child's life and deprive their children of (generally) positive and loving adults for spite?

*The obvious caveat of GP shouldn't be minding gc if there is any genuine cause for concern regarding endangerment etc. But a biscuit is not endangerment.

Absolutely. Said a lot better than me but the stance of parents like this is so arrogant and delusional I can hardly be arsed.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 17:00

Proudofitbabe · 13/04/2023 16:52

Exactly - you think they’re stupid, but the parents clearly don’t. So what else do you think is stupid? ERF? Safe sleep? Weaning guidelines?

So you cannot be trusted and are not suitably able to look after a child

Totally disagree. If a grandparent is deemed good enough to give free childcare, they should be trusted to do it as they see fit, within reason. This is an absurd, hypocritical demand that the parents are unreasonable to make. It bears no comparison to issues like ERF, as the parents give these treats at home.

What I do realize from your posts and a handful of others is the real shame, that oddball parents will use the concept of "trust" to blackmail caring GPs into pandering to stupid diktats.

There’s no blackmail. It’s a simple as “this is how I want to raise my child. If you are happy to follow that then you are welcome to look after them unsupervised if you want to.”

I don’t need free childcare, and I don’t use my family as childcare. If they want to spend time with my child without me they are free to if they follow the parenting practices I have put into place.

I don’t see family time with my child as childcare because I don’t need childcare. I see it as fostering a nice relationship between them.

Crimblecrumble1990 · 13/04/2023 17:00

@ShonaShoop

You are derailing the thread with your chip on your shoulder about some grandparents providing free childcare by incessantly commenting on people offering suggestions.

The OP asked 'what can I do about it'. My suggestion was give them 'healthier' versions of treats.

Let's go 3 times lucky with the magnums because I like them so much: e.g a frozen yoghurt lolly instead of a choc magnum.

HTH.

HappinesDependsOnYou · 13/04/2023 16:59

@ShonaShoop but her son is saying he will find alternative childcare but she doesn't seem to want that or she wouldn't be posting here. That's why I posted a suggestion rather then saying well he can find other childcare. He knows he can and so can she. I do use my voice with the nan in question, she mocks it and does it anyway and the result is she doesn't see him as often. This is not what the op wants so why criticise people who are posting alternative snack suggestions that her ds may be happy with and that op may not be aware of? Op doesn't have to provide them, she doesn't have to look after her grandchildren and I never said she has to. It is her choice what she takes away from this thread but you seem to be taking my suggestion and situation as a personal attack and its not