Live in Nanny | Mumsnet

Winniethepig · 2023-03-23T04:34:26+00:00

So we have a live in nanny / au pair, and while she is nice enough she is starting to get on my nerves a bit. We just don't have the right personality set up and she keeps doing weird things like gravitating towards mg husband to ask him things and keeps calling him "love". I don't want her living with us anymore but live out isn't an option for her and she doesn't know anyone, have any friends here or any life skills (she's mid 20's) but a bit hopeless with most things. What would be a reasonable departure package? She's out here on a working Visa and has 10 months left. Any advice welcome x

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Lifeisalearningcurve · 27/03/2023 14:23

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Blondeshavemorefun · 27/03/2023 13:27

So you have to put up with her for another 3mths yet struggled with her for 2mths

So you re doubling and over her time with you

Far better to call quits now. And pay her off

Sure she will annoy you for the next 3mths

Original poster

Winniethepig · 27/03/2023 07:17

Delighted to say its worked out somewhat, had a nice conversation and a very honest one and said we can't do longer and she's agreed and asked for an extra month, which we have agreed to.

I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders.

She's going in July and we'll have her nanny our toddlers until she goes. Then they'll be in nursery.

She took it well (I think)...

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Original poster

Winniethepig · 26/03/2023 23:14

underneaththeash · 26/03/2023 19:11

Ah - that makes sense. I still think she’ll find something else very quickly - they only get one tier 5 visa per lifetime, so she may find another family who she’s more compatible with, some families like doing everything with their au pairs.!

Thanks, definitely, we're in a large city so I think it should be fine. Set on it now so need to be clear and genuine with her.

She'll get work so will offer two months notice or offer two months pay and her flight home.

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underneaththeash · 26/03/2023 19:11

Ah - that makes sense. I still think she’ll find something else very quickly - they only get one tier 5 visa per lifetime, so she may find another family who she’s more compatible with, some families like doing everything with their au pairs.!

Original poster

Winniethepig · 26/03/2023 11:50

underneaththeash · 26/03/2023 10:40

How did you get a visa for a U.S. nanny to come to the U.K.? (Just interested!)

Dual nationality with Canada, don't think she could have done it just being from the US.

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underneaththeash · 26/03/2023 10:40

How did you get a visa for a U.S. nanny to come to the U.K.? (Just interested!)

Original poster

Winniethepig · 26/03/2023 08:19

Whatifthegrassisblue · 26/03/2023 06:10

I think the problem is an Au Pair isn't really a live in nanny and it can be risky. Usually these are people who are wanting to travel and are doing childcare on the side as a means to have somewhere to live so their priority isn't really the children, unlike an actual nanny. Also often they're not used to living away from home and are quite young which explains so many of the poor experiences (that's what I've been told anyway, an Au Pair is very much a hit and miss situation)

This is kind of a half half, a nanny from the US who has come to us as an Au Pair. Maybe the lines are more blurred or the situation is more complicated but still.

The girl is sat giggling about with my husband while we wrestle the children and waits to be fed.

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Whatifthegrassisblue · 26/03/2023 06:10

I think the problem is an Au Pair isn't really a live in nanny and it can be risky. Usually these are people who are wanting to travel and are doing childcare on the side as a means to have somewhere to live so their priority isn't really the children, unlike an actual nanny. Also often they're not used to living away from home and are quite young which explains so many of the poor experiences (that's what I've been told anyway, an Au Pair is very much a hit and miss situation)

MumOf2workOptions · 25/03/2023 15:55

@Winniethepig

My friend has a live in nanny but she has a totally separate annexe on the house so she doesn't bother anyone else at all after about 5:30 doesn't eat with them or anything else and comes and goes as she pleases

She works Monday to Friday 7-5:40 ISh and any evenings are extra as are any weekends but she's usually travelling places on a weekend seeing friends etc

I would only have one if they were totally separate to the family

Original poster

Winniethepig · 25/03/2023 11:25

crumpet · 25/03/2023 11:20

Might be worth chalking this one up as a loss, and when recruiting the next one really drill into their ideas of what the job actually entails.

or before the above you could sit her down with a job description and discuss with her what she thinks she should be doing in return for the board, food and payment she receives….(even if it does send her off the rails!)

Yeah I don't think I would want another one tbh, I'd prefer to cope and hire a babysitter as and when.

Thanks so much for the advice here, so helpful

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NuffSaidSam · 25/03/2023 11:25

I think as long as you pay for (and maybe book) her flight and take her to the airport then that's fine. You just need to get her back to her mum by the sound of things.Three months pay would be generous if you can stretch to it.

crumpet · 25/03/2023 11:20

Might be worth chalking this one up as a loss, and when recruiting the next one really drill into their ideas of what the job actually entails.

or before the above you could sit her down with a job description and discuss with her what she thinks she should be doing in return for the board, food and payment she receives….(even if it does send her off the rails!)

Original poster

Winniethepig · 25/03/2023 11:15

@1000yellowdaisies

I think she genuinely is fragile, but also probably has been very cosseted and never had to clean a house or cook. Probably a lazy element as well, her mum did everything for her and she ate only take away food before coming to us.

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Luredbyapomegranate · 25/03/2023 11:06

SeaToSki · 25/03/2023 10:57

If she is emotionally fragile, you dont want her in charge of small dc. Tell her you dont need in home help at all any more and your circumstances have changed even though she is lovely. Buy her a plane ticket home, call her Mum and explain and then take her to the airport with a big bag of chocs, a thank you card from the dc and between 1 and 3 months pay depending on how much you dont want a scene. I would move fast, there is no point in having this hanging over you all, as your decision has essentially been made and it sounds like she isnt coping well and it would be irresponsible to leave small dc alone with someone who is struggling.

This exactly. She clearly isn’t coping well right now, so treat her as you would a distressed teen rather than an adult.

3 months is over generous I think - 6 weeks plenty, 2 months generous.

Aim for her to be gone in the next few days.

1000yellowdaisies · 25/03/2023 11:04

Winniethepig · 25/03/2023 10:32

@elodiesmith the ethical dilemma I have is that I can see she is a very fragile person, with lots of anxieties, fears and insecurities, just mentioning a cleaning roster sent her off rails.

So I'm going to have to think so very carefully about how I handle it.

Does it really 'send her off the rails' or is she just a lazy blighter who doesn't like the idea of being pinned down to doing cleaning jobs? I might be overly cynical. But she sounds awful. I think giving her notice and paying for her flight home is very fair.

SeaToSki · 25/03/2023 10:57

If she is emotionally fragile, you dont want her in charge of small dc. Tell her you dont need in home help at all any more and your circumstances have changed even though she is lovely. Buy her a plane ticket home, call her Mum and explain and then take her to the airport with a big bag of chocs, a thank you card from the dc and between 1 and 3 months pay depending on how much you dont want a scene. I would move fast, there is no point in having this hanging over you all, as your decision has essentially been made and it sounds like she isnt coping well and it would be irresponsible to leave small dc alone with someone who is struggling.

Original poster

Winniethepig · 25/03/2023 10:43

crumpet · 25/03/2023 10:38

What does your contract say about termination?

It doesn't say anything, we just had three month date range. Hence why I think I need to potential make her whole, payout the remaining at the least.

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crumpet · 25/03/2023 10:38

What does your contract say about termination?

Original poster

Winniethepig · 25/03/2023 10:37

elodiesmith · 25/03/2023 10:08

In our case 'hectic' was an answer to anything that was said I really wouldn't mind it if she would have been a hard worker!

I Remember going out for breakfast and obviously paying for her so it was double of what I'd normally spend, and there was no thank you either. I remember thinking 'this Au pair adds nothing to my life'.

Her eating habits were really diff to ours; she always needed crisps, chocolate, like she'd eat two packets a day at least. The shopping bill was huge and it was all different foods to us.

We really did want it to work though. We travel overseas a lot for work and would have loved having a helping hand to come and join us. Unfortunately I think she just saw this as a travel opportunity without thinking she'd need to work for it n

God and the eating habits, it's exactly the same. She just eats the worst foods and wants so much soft drink. It's crazy. I feel so bad for venting about. Some days I literally don't want to be in the house because of it.

Thanks for the hectic vent @elodiesmith 🤗

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Original poster

Winniethepig · 25/03/2023 10:32

@elodiesmith the ethical dilemma I have is that I can see she is a very fragile person, with lots of anxieties, fears and insecurities, just mentioning a cleaning roster sent her off rails.

So I'm going to have to think so very carefully about how I handle it.

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elodiesmith · 25/03/2023 10:08

In our case 'hectic' was an answer to anything that was said I really wouldn't mind it if she would have been a hard worker!

I Remember going out for breakfast and obviously paying for her so it was double of what I'd normally spend, and there was no thank you either. I remember thinking 'this Au pair adds nothing to my life'.

Her eating habits were really diff to ours; she always needed crisps, chocolate, like she'd eat two packets a day at least. The shopping bill was huge and it was all different foods to us.

We really did want it to work though. We travel overseas a lot for work and would have loved having a helping hand to come and join us. Unfortunately I think she just saw this as a travel opportunity without thinking she'd need to work for it n

Original poster

Winniethepig · 25/03/2023 09:06

elodiesmith · 25/03/2023 03:44

I've let mine go after 3 weeks.

It was like having another child. She would just sit on TikTok unless I asked: can you please attend to my screaming child as I'm making dinner for us all?
And many other things.

She wasn't on a visa and I didn't pay for her flight home but I did pay her 2 weeks extra which I think was generous.

At the end of the day the level of service was unacceptable. Wasted everyone's time and energy. And money 😪

I was fair and explained my reasons thoroughly and spoke kindly etc.

God the TikTok, and also everything no matter what it is is "so random"

I know my kids will like this eventually, I just don't need it at the same time as the toddlers.

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Witchofcawdor · 25/03/2023 06:24

We also recently let one go for similar reasons. She was our first au pair and we thought it would be helpful to have an extra pair of hands to help out at home and instead it was like having another child to look after, except this one didn't have an early bedtime so DP and I never had time alone. She wouldn't even clean or tidy up after herself never mind the kids so I'd come home from work to her piles of dirty dishes that she expected someone else to clean for her. We had to raise this with her too many times to the point it just became uncomfortable and would really piss me off. She also was overly controlling with the kids and spoke to them in ways I wasn't happy with. I'm a teacher and can be pretty firm but she could be quite aggressive with how she spoke to them even when it was totally unnecessary. That was just the tip of the iceberg so after having a number of conversations with her about expectations how to care for and speak to children, etc, we cut the time short with about 6 weeks notice. We left things on good terms though but feel so much more relaxed at home without her around.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/03/2023 06:21

I don't get why you chose a live in au pair if could have used nursery

Not sure if she of your children but au pairs aren't meant to look after under 3

And assume if nursery they are young

Yes they come over here to learn another language - au pairs usually do lessons during the day and childcare /light housework 7/9 3/6 so 5/6hrs a day

If you invite someone to live in , it's their home and they will be in your space as such

Not all go out - as a nanny I didn't always want to go out after work - I was tired

As I said sounds like living in isn't for you

So a months notice and a flight home is fair