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Original poster

How much should I expect from my nanny?

34 replies

winsterwoes · 15/03/2023 19:15

Hello. I'm looking for some honest advice here - from either nannies or anyone with experience of having employed a nanny.

We have a nanny for our two children, she's been with us for a good few weeks now. It's our first time having this experience so it's all new!

When we interviewed her, she seemed amazing - decades of experience and tons of ideas about activities she could do with the children to help their learning and growth.
We agreed that she would do the standard nanny duties of children's laundry, meals, and other regular jobs (e.g. weekly or fortnightly).

Three days of the week she has both 1 and 3 year old, and two of the days she only has the baby (nursery drop off for older one, but not pick up). Baby still naps, and also on days with the older one she gives her 'quiet time', so all in all I personally think there's plenty of time she has to be planning, having a break, etc.

So far it's not been what we expected, she hasn't been doing half the stuff we thought she would or have asked her to do.

Our gripes :

  • She doesn't seem to be doing many structured activities really with either of the children. She has started taking them to some groups, so at least they'll get something out of those.
When home - with the baby 75% of the time he seems to be sitting amongst the same toys occupying himself whilst she cleans the kitchen or eats her breakfast/lunch. As for the toddler, 75% the time she's just wandering around entertaining herself or playing with the same toys that are already out. What I would expect is, at a minimum, the nanny should get out different toys so they're getting some variety, and ideally, do at least one structured activity a day (she does maybe one a week).
  • We don't seem to be getting the benefit of her supposed experience.
We'd expected her to be on the ball with developing both their skills, whether that's crawling / standing / spoon skills for baby ... or drawing letters, learning days of the week etc for toddler. But we don't think that currently we're getting any more for our money than if we'd employed a cheaper, less experienced nanny. E.g. I would have expected her by now to ask about whether we are thinking of transitioning the baby from milk between meals to snacks.. but nope no mention of it (of course I'm not WAITING for her to suggest it before I start transitioning, just surprised that she hasn't even mentioned it given her years of experience).
  • She eats her breakfast and lunch at a different time to the children.
Now, normally I wouldn't dream of dictating when anybody eats, but it seems a bit off that she feeds the children, then leaves them to their own devices while she cleans the kitchen, and then further leaves them to their own devices as she then sits down to eat her own meal - when it's perfectly possible and normal to just eat at the same time as them. She doesn't take massively long, but it's just niggling at me. I know, everyone needs a break, so maybe we're being too OTT and I'm prepared to be told if that is the case.
  • She hasn't done any of the regular jobs that I had written down for her.
Examples are : deep clean high chairs every so often (instead of just wiping the tray), deep clean the baby bath every so often, wash the toddler's toilet seats every so often. Are those acceptable things to be asking her to be doing??

I know the day is only so long, and if it looked like she was trying and she genuinely didn't have time to be getting everything done, I'd understand.

But I just don't know what she's doing half the time except making herself look busy tidying the kitchen or sitting 'supervising' the children's play but not coming up with new activities herself.

Are we being unreasonable to expect her to be doing educational activities with the children?

I'm also wary of bringing stuff up as I don't want it to affect her relationship with us / the children.

Thanks for any advice!

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Spiderboy · 15/03/2023 19:44

I wouldn’t expect a nanny to deep clean anything…. It seems like you have maybe empathised the cleaning aspect a little too much if she is spending more time cleaning the kitchen than playing with the kids. If she is cleaning while they eat and they are then playing while she eats, how it this any different to eating with them and then them playing while she cleans? Have you considered hiring a cleaner?

Kentlassie · 15/03/2023 19:43

We have a nanny for DTs who are 2.5. I have never asked her to deep clean anything.

Ohlalahair · 15/03/2023 19:43

Your nanny should know your children’s ‘next steps’ and be setting activities to develop these. There should be a lot of free play, outside play, groups and then structured activity such a painting, baking, crafting, drawing. I don’t think a nanny needs to be giving structured ‘lessons’ to the kids - 1 and 3 are still pretty young. But she should be following their interests.
Personally adults eating with kids and the same food as them is VERY important to me, I think kids learning to serve, pour water and eat as a community is important - did you discuss this at interview? Might be worth setting out how important this is to you, rather than take issue with the time taken.
If she’s not going over and above on the cleaning/ tasks in the first few weeks - she never will. It’s down to you if you can make your peace with that or if it’s going to niggle you.
Its one thing an established nanny that the children love neglecting a few duties, quite another for a new nanny trying to make an impression neglecting them.

BouncingWorms · 15/03/2023 19:38

I’ve been on both sides of this. Do you not do handover? Either a verbal or written list at the end of the day of what the children have done and what she’s done?

Eating with the children is normal and expected, only reasonable excuse is if the baby is being spoon fed.

Structured activities it depends on the family, expectations should be discussed in advance so if you didn’t have that conversation (and just assumed from the interview) I don’t think she’s doing anything wrong. It would be reasonable to discuss this now.

Deep clean and regular jobs it might be a difference in standards, so she’s not doing the chair/seat it because it looks clean? Or not doing laundry because it doesn’t look like a full load. I’d maybe try specifying exactly when you want things done, so laundry on Tuesday, high chair every other day, or whatever. Have you shown her cleaning supplies, machine settings, etc? But she really should be able to manage all that or ask.

EternalSunshine19 · 15/03/2023 19:36

How do you know what she does for 75% of the day? Do you have a nanny cam or are you at home watching her?

anythinginapinch · 15/03/2023 19:33

I had a nanny for years. She was super. She did input - painting, reading, messy play, weekly activities, playing outside ... all the stuff you'd hope for. She didn't deep clean anything afair. She loved my DC and vice versa. I have no idea what she did for her lunch etc but given my DC had good input for x % of the day, if the nanny took a half hour break who cares?

notthisagainforest · 15/03/2023 19:27

I was a nanny for 20 years. I really do think your expectations of cleaning are over the top. The nanny should tidy and clean the mess she's made but that's it. That gives her time to play with the children and take them out to activities and parks. Having said that it doesn't seem like she's doing much playing either. I was always sat at the table or on the floor with them doing something or another. I was always doing something with them unless I was clearing away the lunch or dinner stuff and I always sat and ate with them. I did try and have a break when the baby napped and would have an hour to myself after I'd tidied up. Most jobs do have a break so I think it's reasonable for a Nanny to take a break too. If you arnt happy I think you need to talk to her and say why but I wouldn't make this about cleaning u would focus on the attention given to the children

Stickmansmum · 15/03/2023 19:25

Hmmm, I’ve the best nanny on this earth but I wouldn’t have thought anything bad of her for any of the things you say are making you unhappy. But in my opinion normal daily unstructured life is totally healthy for kids that age. Deep cleaning stuff, I guess you asked so ideally she’d do it. But to be honest for me, the best nanny is the one that minds the kids to the best of their ability, actually grows to love them, and keeps that part of the family running smoothly and happily. I expect to give a lot of freedom to my nanny and treat them like family, but in return I’d want my nanny to work hard, honestly and with the best intentions.

But that’s how my nanny has turned out and she has needed no instruction. Doesn’t do exact things I would have done, or in the same way I like them done, but I trust her completely. That’s far more important than regularly completed ‘tasks’.

TomatoesAndPeaches · 15/03/2023 19:21

Are you at home? How do you know she isnt doing anything with the children?

This is just lazy, she ‘wow’d you in interview but as iv seen many times, Interviews and actually being with children are two completely different things

What did her references say?
Have you got a trial run ?

If you dont feel you can speak openly to your nanny, You have a real problem.

How is she with the children? Does she speak to them on there level? What is the interaction like?