Can I get childcare to cover labour?

Sorry I read it as her DP was her birth partner and they had no third adult to watch the toddler. Obviously if you have no one else at all then you have no choice.

Hi OP, you've got a while to make plans so don't panic just yet.

Honestly - ditch the idea of your mum helping out, she sounds next to useless. I would also veto the idea of her coming to the birth as well if I were you. If she gets arsey about it then say it's hospital policy post-covid or something.

You could plan for a home birth, but be warned, if you need to go in unexpectedly (like I did) then that could be very upsetting for your toddler as they'll have to be woken up and bundled in an ambulance with you.

What's your midwife team like? Could you have a word with them and ask for advice? It may be that they would be happy for you to bring toddler into hospital with you - our hospital has (well, had before covid) a sort of crèche/children's playroom and students watching over them.

It's not going to be a situation they won't have seen before and they'll be able to offer advice,

@Dyslexicwonder i was referring to @AWaferThinMint by the way not OP

@Dyslexicwonder she had the toddler in the room because she had no choice. What does labouring alone with no birth partner have to do with anything? You make it sound like the toddler was supposed to be her birth partner.

hi @AllTheBestNamesWereTaken sorry haven’t read all the replies. Why can’t your mum look after your child? It sounds like this predicament is stressing you out, and having her sort your childcare will solve problems. A doula could be with you at birth instead of your mum: You will meet and get to know them in advance. You will need to pay, but cheaper than having babysitters on standby, then paying for potentially 48 hours.

If you are unable to find friends and family to watch your DD over the birth, and your mum is not reliable, I would not have a c-section - sounds like you won’t be able to find anyone to be there for you / DD for weeks, which is what you will need

Your mum is behaving very badly. Tell her no she's not coming to the birth and you need her to have dd. She will either behave like a reasonable person and accept your word. Or she'll be a nightmare and strop about it and you'll be no worse off but at least without her hanging around.

How about an older teen (or a couple to make sure at least one is available rather than having to keep 5 weeks completely free)? - my 17 yo DD would be very happy to do this

Presumably the father isn't on the scene or an option or the OP would have mentioned them. The fact she hasn't suggests this isn't a viable solution.

Oh god, I remember the stress of this. We had emigrated 6 months before I gave birth to my second. Honestly, this is what your parents are for. If she's in the country (and near enough to come to the birth) your mum should be a big part of the plan. Saying she might be dead by then feels like she's being manipulative - is she ill?

Dp stayed at home for his second child, someone has to look after the elder. I would pressurise your mum, I'm guessing there's no in laws or dad?

Tell your mum not to worry, she clearly isn't interested in helping. She's hoping DP stays at home.

I agree with contacting an agency, telling your mum it's all sorted and you'll see her when baby is 3 weeks old.

Anyone at all who you could send DD too for a sleep over when you go into labour? I did that. They took her to nursery in the morning which was bit different

Honestly I would labour alone (as in no bithb partner, presumably you had midwives there) rather than have a toddler in the room but horses for courses.

Well if you can't get childcare then your dp will have to look after his dd and you'll have to have the baby on your own.
It's either that or be firm with your dm.

Sure I think your mum sounds a little odd but I also don't agree with the comments dictating what the mum should be doing (the grandmother mum)

Where is the father in all this?

everyone I know asked their mum or MiL to do it. Nobody else I could call at 2am anyway!

more important that your mum does it than attend the birth IMO. And they can have the important task of bringing the older child to meet the baby.

She really doesn't want to look after your dd then does she?
I'm not clear in this scenario, is there a dad or Dp of any type involved? It doesn't sound like it but if there is then they may need to prioritise childcare or perhaps do half and half with your mum?
Bear in mind, if you push for a planned C section, who will be helping you with a newborn and a toddler in the recovery period?

Tell your mother than she won’t be at the birth. If she’s driving you to the hospital get a taxi instead. You’ll find someone locally to look after your dd even though you don’t know of anyone at the moment. if there’s a local college put an advert on their social media group. Do you have a local small shop? Ask in there and put up an advert. Is there a parent and baby group? Contact them. Everyone in that group will understand your childcare need and hopefully someone will help. Let your mother see that you are sorting things out without her. She needs to step up and help unselfishly. She probably wants to tell her friends she was at the birth instead of saying how she actually helped you by looking after her gd. She could have been the one at home to tell her gd about the gd’s new sibling. Instead she’ll be visiting when you say so. Let her think that one over.

'Have not' forgiven

Sympathy to you op. My mum bullied me into being at my birth. I still have forgiven the invasion of privacy.

I'd tell your mum she is with the kid and not at the birth but maybe I'm harsh. I couldn't think of anyone worse I'd rather have at the birth even though we get along so well.

I really can’t believe your Mum would rather be at the birth than looking after your DD. My second birth was over in 2 hours and I could have been home shortly after. I do agree you need a back up plan, you haven’t mentioned baby’s father, or your own father or other relatives that may be able to help.

your mum is being massively unreasonable, to invite herself to be your birth partner when that's not what you want. she's free to refuse to be relied upon for childcare but that's a permanent rift there as I wouldn't be expecting her to have much contact with either of her grandchildren if she's not prepared to provide childcare under these circumstances.

Given how selfish your mum is I think you are right to seek to secure paid childcare but I don't think you can reasonably expect that to be one guaranteed person for the entire duration that you are in hospital. I think you sign up with an agency and when you are about 8 months along arrange for your dd to have an hour each with the 3-5 people on the agency's books who are most likely to be available when the time comes. if you are in hospital for more than a few hours they will need to cover the time in shifts anyway so more than one of them will be needed.

I wouldn't think this situation on its own is really a good reason for ELCS, there's a lot of serious potential consequences to having major abdominal surgery which yes sometimes are on balance risks that are worth taking to avoid other potential problems but childcare logistics doesn't seem to me to be a sufficient cause to take those risks.

Does your daughter have a second parent in her life? If you, you already have 2 known adults, and the problem is solved. One with you, one with your daughter.

Also I didn't see if you have a partner. If you do, they will look after your DD if your mum dies in the next 7 months 🙄 and you'll give birth without them.