Page 2 | Can I get childcare to cover labour?

AllTheBestNamesWereTaken · 2023-01-30T23:22:11+00:00

This would mean having someone on-call 24/7 for up to 5 weeks and paid a retainer at least for this whole time. They’d need to stay local and be prepared to drop everything at a moment’s notice, quite possibly in the middle of the night. Is it realistic to think I could find someone prepared to do this? Would childcare concerns be justification for a maternal request C-section do you think?

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allthemissingfucks · 31/01/2023 13:53

I still don't understand why your husband or you Mum can't look after the toddler?

Why do they need to be there for the birth?

(The only possible thing I can think of is that in your culture girls aren't valued, and maybe you are now pregnant with a boy, and so your Husband & Mum think it's more important to witness his birth than look after the existing little girl?)
I'm mean I'm stretching there I know!

And you are actually contemplating having an elective caesarean because neither one will look after the toddler.

Who the hell is going to look after the toddler AND the newborn AND you after you have to recover from that surgery???

So many questions!

Geranium1984 · 31/01/2023 13:34

It's so hard when you don't know many people locally. Sounds a similar situation to us, recently moved to a new area at 7 months pregnant and only knew one set of friends within a reasonable distance- they were number one on our list of people to call.

A few weeks before the birth we had hired a mother's help to come in twice a week once the baby was born (through childcare.co.uk). The mother's help started doing half days about a month before the birth so our toddler could get to know her. She was on our 'list' of options to call.

We then had a family member a bit further away as a third back up.

Since having moved in we had spoken to our direct neighbour quite a bit and she seemed really nice. I had thought if we were really desperate in the middle of the night that we could have knocked on her door and I'm sure she would have sat and waited till one of the other options arrived.

Take a look at childcare.co.uk and over the next few months perhaps you could hire a couple of babysitters on a regular basis so your toddler gets to know them and hopefully they'll agree to be on your list.

I'd say you want at least three options on your list as they won't all be available at all times.

wouldukissafrog · 31/01/2023 12:51

Tbh I'd just tell your mum she can't come to the birth

mumoffourminimes · 31/01/2023 12:40

GreenTeaTuesdays · 31/01/2023 12:36

There are three adults going to be around (presuming no one dies between now and then) which is more than enough to work something out rather than leaving such a young child with strangers at a time where there is already a lot of upheaval for them.

You can't watch the toddler as you will be quite busy so either your husband or your mum watches them and the other one stays with you.

I agree with this too, poor kid

GreenTeaTuesdays · 31/01/2023 12:36

There are three adults going to be around (presuming no one dies between now and then) which is more than enough to work something out rather than leaving such a young child with strangers at a time where there is already a lot of upheaval for them.

You can't watch the toddler as you will be quite busy so either your husband or your mum watches them and the other one stays with you.

mumoffourminimes · 31/01/2023 12:33

Im sorry I think my mind is being addled by this scenario, apologies if you've already answered this one but

Do you actually want your mum present at the birth?

You seem to be saying you'd have major abdominal surgery in order to facilitate her being there? 🤯

mumoffourminimes · 31/01/2023 12:28

AllTheBestNamesWereTaken · 31/01/2023 00:21

She also says I need to have an alternative lined-up because she could be dead by then.

Crikey is she unwell or just extremely manipulative?

mumoffourminimes · 31/01/2023 12:25

What about a home birth?

Opine · 31/01/2023 12:22

@icanwearwhatiwant she is incapable of/doesn’t want to look after her grandchild but insists on being in a Labour room uninvited.
What does she want to be there for if grandchildren aren’t really her thing. Makes no sense does it.
Shes spiteful & self serving. Her daughter is seriously considering major surgery to pander to her whims. Crap, unnecessary situation. I’d never do this to my DD.

marmaladepop · 31/01/2023 12:07

AllTheBestNamesWereTaken · 31/01/2023 00:21

She also says I need to have an alternative lined-up because she could be dead by then.

This is very strange. Both sets of GP were on board for toddler duty when I gave birth - wasn't even a second thought as toddlers emotions were at the top of my thought process.

Viviennemary · 31/01/2023 11:34

The simplest and best arrangement is to get your Mum to look after your DD. Unless you have a reliable friend or relative I don't think any of these other schemes are workable or even reliable.,

Original poster

AllTheBestNamesWereTaken · 31/01/2023 11:28

icanwearwhatiwant · 31/01/2023 11:00

she seems to have this naive idea that if you pay people they will bow down and do virtually anything for you. Even for hiring someone afterwards, she doesn’t seem to appreciate that you would need to define hours and duties in advance and that it’s unrealistic to expect someone to be on-call to muck in and just do whatever turns out being needed when.

And yet this is all what you are expecting her to do, unpaid.

Surely there is a difference between having family members help out and hiring someone as a paid employee though?

OP posts:

FeinCuroxiVooz · 31/01/2023 11:01

@AllTheBestNamesWereTaken nanny agencies are placing people for full time or part time permanent work. this isn't really their bag.

When I said agency I meant a babysitting agency. we subscribe to a local babysitting agency whose workers are mostly retired people and students who are looking for occasional casual work for extra cash without commitment. whenever we go out they arrange a babysitter for us with no fuss. we also used them one time to provide a posse of babysitters for all our friends when we hosted an adults-only party. If I was in your position this agency would have dozens of people on their books and would be able to ring round and find someone available immediately when the time came.

icanwearwhatiwant · 31/01/2023 11:00

she seems to have this naive idea that if you pay people they will bow down and do virtually anything for you. Even for hiring someone afterwards, she doesn’t seem to appreciate that you would need to define hours and duties in advance and that it’s unrealistic to expect someone to be on-call to muck in and just do whatever turns out being needed when.

And yet this is all what you are expecting her to do, unpaid.

icanwearwhatiwant · 31/01/2023 10:57

I agree that my mum is the best person. She is 72 but not in bad health and still works part-time. Obviously I realise she could die before the time comes or break a leg and be incapacitated, etc. Any of us could. I or the baby could die in that timeframe too making all this irrelevant anyway. If she does unexpectedly die right beforehand, I’d go into hospital alone. Not ideal but I’d do it if I had to. I don’t really feel I can have someone lined-up on a retainer for all that time just in case.

Hang on, so you have a DH who could do it but instead unless she drops dead you've decided your mum must do it???
Your mum is making it very clear that she doesn't want to be the person that drops everything to look after a toddler in the middle of the night, and probably all day too.
Whilst it would be nice if grandparents wanted to mind their grandchildren and help out it isn't required of them...mine have had ds twice in the ten years he's been around and both of those as an older child 🤷🏽‍♀️
At the end of the day she's 72, you might judge her to be in good health but that doesn't mean she's capable of caring for a toddler for an extended time.
Could you make an arrangement where she could do the overnight bit, whilst dd is asleep then she or your dh could drop her round to a local childminder for the day. That might make her feel better.

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 31/01/2023 10:48

Do you have any friends with nannies?

im a nanny and have twice been on call for a family other then the one I’m working for at the time.
Both the nanny families were fantastic and we had an agreement that if the call came when I was at work, either the child would be brought to me or we would all go to them and if it came when outside work, the child would come to work with me.

First time the call came mid morning so me and nanny kids went and picked up J and he spent the rest of the day and the next day with us

second time the call also came mid morning and I picked up A then took her to my afternoon job with me

The most recent one was 18m ago and both sets of kids ask after the other one after only meeting for a day, it’s sweet!

Original poster

AllTheBestNamesWereTaken · 31/01/2023 10:35

Thanks everyone. I’ve spoken to two nanny agencies this morning and neither were particularly encouraging. This was good to confirm as my mum keeps implying I’m creating unnecessary difficulties.

Having spent limited time in the labour market herself, she seems to have this naive idea that if you pay people they will bow down and do virtually anything for you. Even for hiring someone afterwards, she doesn’t seem to appreciate that you would need to define hours and duties in advance and that it’s unrealistic to expect someone to be on-call to muck in and just do whatever turns out being needed when.

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Margo34 · 31/01/2023 10:21

Sleepless1096 · 31/01/2023 06:24

Do you know any of your neighbours? Do any of them have young children?

I had my parents lined up to look after DC1 but they live 3 hours drive away so I also asked three sets of neighbours with children if they could be on standby to potentially come sit in our house until my parents arrived. It wasn't an issue in the end (parents were actually staying when I went into labour with DC2) but it was reassuring to know that there were people nearby who would help if needed. And it felt less of an imposition since they lived so close to us and it would literally be a matter of one of the parents popping over to our house for a bit. We were friendly acquaintances though and had done some playdates/chatted in the street beforehand.

This is our plan with our immediate neighbours, except they don't have young children. The dote on my toddler and one of them happens to be a nursery practitioner so has happily come over for play dates at my toddler's invitation 😂

They'll sit in with toddler until family can arrive to step in.

Margo34 · 31/01/2023 10:19

BumblebeeBum · 31/01/2023 00:05

A doula can help with this. Or possibly a home birth might work too? If it suits you of course.

You'd still need childcare even with a home birth I'd have thought.

Toddler wants a snack, "in a minute mummy's......breathe......bu......breathe......sy......" "BUT I WANT ONE NOW!"

AWaferThinMint · 31/01/2023 10:15

Opine · 31/01/2023 07:56

@Dyslexicwonder she had the toddler in the room because she had no choice. What does labouring alone with no birth partner have to do with anything? You make it sound like the toddler was supposed to be her birth partner.

Yep. That's the way it worked out. Thanks @Opine

@Dyslexicwonder it was all a bit quick and it was just what happened. H was with us too, she was fine. I wasn't screaming, it was all very calm, she wasn't traumatised. We arrived, I got in a pool, baby was born within 10 mins, midwife sorted us out and about an hour after baby was born my mum arrived and took her home.

Her only involvement was chatting with a lovely student doctor about getting a new baby 🤣

Dyslexicwonder · 31/01/2023 10:00

MiddleParking · 31/01/2023 09:22

I know it’s a really painful prospect but I’d cut your mum out as an option entirely here - I definitely wouldn’t have her at the birth nor would I ask her to watch the toddler. She sounds unutterably horrible and I wouldn’t want the stress of relying on her. I’d try really hard to find alternative childcare (and I genuinely believe nearly any mum you know even a little bit would do their absolute best to help you out here) and my backup plan would be DH staying at home while I laboured in hospital. I know that’s an imperfect solution but it sounds like anything would be better than having your mother play a key role here.

This, I agree with you.

MiddleParking · 31/01/2023 09:22

I know it’s a really painful prospect but I’d cut your mum out as an option entirely here - I definitely wouldn’t have her at the birth nor would I ask her to watch the toddler. She sounds unutterably horrible and I wouldn’t want the stress of relying on her. I’d try really hard to find alternative childcare (and I genuinely believe nearly any mum you know even a little bit would do their absolute best to help you out here) and my backup plan would be DH staying at home while I laboured in hospital. I know that’s an imperfect solution but it sounds like anything would be better than having your mother play a key role here.

jannier · 31/01/2023 08:59

AllTheBestNamesWereTaken · 31/01/2023 00:00

DD is 2 and not yet in nursery. I wasn’t planning to send her until the term after she turns 3 and qualifies for her 15 hours. The nursery she is down for is term time only and I’m due also bang in the middle of the summer holidays anyway.

It feels like a lot to ask of friends who all their own lives and families. My mum was going to have her but now wants to come to the birth so that isn’t going to work.

A childminder may be an option. Could they cover nights though? Ideally in our home rather than theirs.

Childminders normally do this if you're already on their books. Same as other emergencies that come up it's a big advantage of them over nurseries but as you don't use one not many would do it especially as your down for nursery so obviously prefer that

Original poster

AllTheBestNamesWereTaken · 31/01/2023 08:46

Thanks everyone. We actually are already planning a home birth but I’d like someone to cover childcare so that DH and I can focus entirely on birthing. I definitely don’t want DD to be present for many reasons and also want to be fully prepared for the possibility of transfer. I’m only just 12 weeks anyway and am aware that there are quite a few possible issues which could develop in the next 6 months which would make a home birth unadvisable anyway.

I agree that my mum is the best person. She is 72 but not in bad health and still works part-time. Obviously I realise she could die before the time comes or break a leg and be incapacitated, etc. Any of us could. I or the baby could die in that timeframe too making all this irrelevant anyway. If she does unexpectedly die right beforehand, I’d go into hospital alone. Not ideal but I’d do it if I had to. I don’t really feel I can have someone lined-up on a retainer for all that time just in case.

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TheYearOfSmallThings · 31/01/2023 08:18

Your mother is being ridiculous, and it is really disappointing that she is behaving like this at such a time.

If she really won't reconsider, I would personally rather leave DP at home and deliver the baby alone (I would not allow my mother to be present if her shenanigans had prevented DP from being there). It's not ideal but all these agency plans sound stressful and insecure.