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Original poster

Should I take toddler to MIL appointment?

163 replies

Kardelen · 13/01/2023 15:52

I have a toddler just under the age of two. Also 36 weeks pregnant. My husband wants me to take MIL to her appointment as none of her other kids are free or for whatever reason won’t be taking.

the issue is however childcare. I can leave the toddler with my parents but they are elderly and I feel bad to burden them for this. The appointment will be at least one hour, and the journey minimum 1.5 hours each way as I will need to pick her up first and it falls to traffic time. She may also ask for me to take her grocery shopping after her appointment as this is not unusual. The issue is though, do I take my very active toddler with me? Which means I may not be able to attend the actual appointment with her, Or do leave him with my parents and feel guilty? I will also be feeling guilty for toddler being in the car seat for that long, but I also can’t physically chase him around outside.

I also don’t want to mention that I will be taking her to my parents as they always get anxious when I’m out alone as I’m on third trimester (first baby came early), and also wondering why her own children are unable to take.

much appreciated

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WhereYouLeftIt · 13/01/2023 17:05

Your husband's being a bit of a prick trying to offload this onto you.

You simply cannot do as he asked. You are heavily pregnant and your toddler really shouldn't have to spend 3 hours in the car (maybe longer) just because his mum has behaved so entitledly that her other son now refuses to run after her. And her appointment sounds as if she's pissed her employer about too.

You are not fit to make this journey and if her actual children can't / won't then she needs to be looking into public transport getting her there.

Irridescantshimmmer · 13/01/2023 17:02

You need to prioritise your child who is still very young and if your MIL expects you to actually be at the appountment with her, she needs to understand your situation and get a grip.

AlisonDonut · 13/01/2023 16:54

The best present you can give yourself is to not worry too much about what your husband thinks of you and just worry about yourself and your kids.

If your MIL is having rows with her own kids then that's up to her to resolve, not for you to make yourself even more exhausted running round after her.

Try saying 'no can do'.

Original poster
Kardelen · 13/01/2023 16:53

Of course not. One of her sons chooses the days he works, so if he has picked a shift he could easily cancel.
But despite him helping with her other things previously, she never appreciated, thought she’s entitled to it, so recently he got angry when she asked him about filling one of the forms saying it can’t always be him doing the work.

so now she doesn’t want to ask him

OP posts:
rookiemere · 13/01/2023 16:51

What age is MIL? why can't she get public transportation?

ShellsPebbles · 13/01/2023 16:50

Honestly in your situation there is no way I would entertain doing this at all! You say your baby came early before, that’s a lot of travelling that late in your pregnancy and you have a toddler who has to endure all of that too.
I would push for a member of her own blood family to do it - are they really in worse positions than you are currently? I think they have a cheek even asking you.

Original poster
Kardelen · 13/01/2023 16:49

That’s what I would love to say!
just can’t speak it out and stuck in this situation now.

i did mention how its traffic time etc and it’s long for me as it’s far but I don’t think he actually gets it. I said I’m not sure if I will be able to as I can’t predict how I feel everyday, some days I feel so exhausted.
so didn’t say yes, but he probably assumes I will.

maybe I’ll try talking to him again, hinting he should try take time off his work. But
im sure he’s going to say he can’t.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 13/01/2023 16:49

If you absolutely feel you have to say yes, then you need to say you will be bringing your toddler as Dsis is working that day and it's too long to leave her with your elderly DPs.
You will drop MIL off at appointment and meet her at the end and drive her straight home, you won't be able to stop for shopping etc. because of being so heavily pregnant and tired.
Text this as a response or just say no.

Original poster
Kardelen · 13/01/2023 16:45

I think because I take my own parents etc, he thinks I should be able to. And if I say no? He may be thinking that I only think about my parents.

OP posts:
mondler · 13/01/2023 16:39

You have a good reason not to do it (not that you need one anyway). Is your MIL physically able? Could you offer to drive her to the train station instead? Or to the nearest direct train (assuming they arent in strike that day?)

If you have to or want to do it then I'd agree with finding a park or softplay for your toddler but its a long drive for you heavily pregnant and having to cope with your toddler and MIL.

ChildminderMum · 13/01/2023 16:37

"Sorry love, I can't take your mother to that appointment. It's too much driving for me now at 8 months pregnant and I don't want to take the toddler. Hope you and your siblings can arrange something else"

ChildminderMum · 13/01/2023 16:36

Ridiculous to be driving for 3 hours with a toddler at 8 months pregnant!

Let your DH and his siblings sort it out.

Gazelda · 13/01/2023 16:32

When is the appointment? How long has she known about it?

Assuming she doesn't drive, does she use public transport without problems?

This isn't your problem to solve. If your DH thinks bad of you, tell him that you feel bad of him for even thinking it reasonable for a heavily pregnant wife and toddler to spend 3hr+ in a car.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/01/2023 16:27

Yes. It is an excuse. But its a very valid one.
Your DH doesn't want to ask for time off and doesn't want an awkward conversation with the boss by asking, in case the boss thinks its not a good enough reason. Shielding two grown men from difficult conversation over a HR matter.
This happened to me all the time and this is all at your expense.
You will be seen as the go to person who will step in to cope with emergencies, and if being 36 months preg with a toddler on your hip doesn't excuse it, I don't know what will.
DH and siblings will have to put themselves to the trouble of having a rethink and understanding that at this time, they have to pull their weight.

Ragruggers · 13/01/2023 16:27

Is there public transport? It is too much to expect you to do all this travelling with a toddler.Say no not possible.There May be hospital volunteer car services which you pay by the mile to the driver however it sounds as this appointment is not outpatients so not permitted.

Seeline · 13/01/2023 16:26

driving around 3 hours with a toddler and heavily pregnant is an excuse right?

It's not an excuse.

It's a legitimate reason to say no. It's not your problem.
How soon after giving birth are you going to be expected to do similar tasks with a toddler and a new born?
Time for your MIL to stop arguing with her kids and get them to help her.

Tolerant · 13/01/2023 16:24

You are being put upon OP. Are you usually the family doormat?

FictionalCharacter · 13/01/2023 16:21

Kardelen · 13/01/2023 16:14

Unfortunately he’s not got a good relationship with his manager, so I think that’s why he doesn’t want to ask. So it just all falls on me. I wasn’t sure if I was stressing out for no reason, but seems like it is a genuine reason now.

driving around 3 hours with a toddler and heavily pregnant is an excuse right?

So he’s trying to make his problem your problem. It isn’t. He needs to take time off work to take his mother himself.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 13/01/2023 16:19

So your DH doesn’t get on with his manager…..hmm, I wonder why that could be ?

MintChocCornetto · 13/01/2023 16:16

None of that is your problem OP.

You should be winding down not taking on extra tasks. The one that doesn't drive can get a taxi surely? Or someone can take time off work - your DH for example.

1.You can't take a toddler to a medical appointment that isn't yours

  1. It's too far away to drop and come back
  2. There's no one else to look after your little one
  3. It's not your mum, not your problem to solve
junebirthdaygirl · 13/01/2023 16:14

If your mil is still working.. not retired ..can she not find her own way there on public transport. I thought first she was an elderly woman. Even your dh paying for a taxi from the nearest station. I don't think you should be driving such a distance in heavy traffic at this stage in your pregnancy especially as your history is early delivery. Imagine having a toddler in the middle of that. Don't do it..its all too much.

Original poster
Kardelen · 13/01/2023 16:14

Unfortunately he’s not got a good relationship with his manager, so I think that’s why he doesn’t want to ask. So it just all falls on me. I wasn’t sure if I was stressing out for no reason, but seems like it is a genuine reason now.

driving around 3 hours with a toddler and heavily pregnant is an excuse right?

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Original poster
Kardelen · 13/01/2023 16:11

I also take my own parents for their appointment, and quite a few appointments due to their health conditions. But I am able to leave the toddler with my sister to do so. But that day she’s not available, hence why I take that day off work. So as I take my own parents, he might start to compare, I don’t know?

two of her other kids can drive, but I don’t think she wants to ask one of them as she recently had an argument. And the other one is at work, and dh is also at work. The other child/daughter in law can’t drive so I suspect this might be the reason.

OP posts:
Fudgemaker · 13/01/2023 16:11

Why are you afraid to tell your husband that he is making an unreasonable demand? HE should be taking HIS mother surely

Original poster
Kardelen · 13/01/2023 16:07

This is what I’m thinking. But not sure how to tell my husband?
its my last week of work, so he probably thinks as I still go work I can also take. If I say no, I’m worried he’s going to think bad of me.

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