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Original poster

Should I take toddler to MIL appointment?

163 replies

Kardelen · 13/01/2023 15:52

I have a toddler just under the age of two. Also 36 weeks pregnant. My husband wants me to take MIL to her appointment as none of her other kids are free or for whatever reason won’t be taking.

the issue is however childcare. I can leave the toddler with my parents but they are elderly and I feel bad to burden them for this. The appointment will be at least one hour, and the journey minimum 1.5 hours each way as I will need to pick her up first and it falls to traffic time. She may also ask for me to take her grocery shopping after her appointment as this is not unusual. The issue is though, do I take my very active toddler with me? Which means I may not be able to attend the actual appointment with her, Or do leave him with my parents and feel guilty? I will also be feeling guilty for toddler being in the car seat for that long, but I also can’t physically chase him around outside.

I also don’t want to mention that I will be taking her to my parents as they always get anxious when I’m out alone as I’m on third trimester (first baby came early), and also wondering why her own children are unable to take.

much appreciated

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beeswaxbonnie · 13/01/2023 21:49

I recognised your name from your other threads about your MIL. Absolutely do not take her to the appointment.

CombatBarbie · 13/01/2023 21:44

Or tell her to ask for an online appt.... That's what I did.

trampoline123 · 13/01/2023 21:35

You're second guessing what might happen, what people might think...don't do that. You obviously don't want to take her (and neither would I), so just say it how it is.

Sorry babe I don't feel up to driving all that way, can you book a days holiday or sort it with your siblings.

RosesAndHellebores · 13/01/2023 21:28

If your MIL is of working age and her work are requesting she has further assessments to see if she is well presumably she is relatively independent when well. Presumably too the hospital is not that far from her home?

I honestly don't understand why she can't order a taxi to attend the appointment. If she can't and she's too unwell I think hospital transport needs to be considered.

Having said that, I don't think an hour and a half from home is that unreasonable in the third trimester.

Thedaysthatremain · 13/01/2023 21:28

Appleass · 13/01/2023 19:47

You're lovely, bet you dont do anyone a favour do you !!

Show quote history

She's not wrong

ImprobablePuffin · 13/01/2023 21:18

Why are you so scared of having a normal, everyday conversation with your DH?

GettingItOutThere · 13/01/2023 20:17

you are joking? no is a complete sentence!!

I would not do that at all at 36 weeks. I stopped driving around then.

If you feel you must do something, drop her off and find a soft play. Absolutely do not drag in 2 year old it would be hell

Appleass · 13/01/2023 19:47

Glo1988 · 13/01/2023 15:57

Your husband needs to take time off to do this. Not your responsibility, especially when heavily pregnant and with a 2 year old. Ridiculous

You're lovely, bet you dont do anyone a favour do you !!

America12 · 13/01/2023 19:44

Kardelen · 13/01/2023 16:45

I think because I take my own parents etc, he thinks I should be able to. And if I say no? He may be thinking that I only think about my parents.

That's fine , you sort your parents , he sorts his parent.

ChubbyMorticia · 13/01/2023 19:39

“That doesn’t work for me. I hope your mother can work something out.”

No way I’d be playing taxi while heavily pregnant with a toddler in tow.

bigbluebus · 13/01/2023 19:29

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to risk being stuck in traffic at 36 weeks pregnant on a journey of that length. Apart from anything else I'd be bursting for a wee!

ChildminderMum · 13/01/2023 19:27

Kardelen · 13/01/2023 16:45

I think because I take my own parents etc, he thinks I should be able to. And if I say no? He may be thinking that I only think about my parents.

So? I look after my parents, DH looks after his.

What's going on in your relationship, it seems like you are really scared of your husband?
What are the consequences for you if you don't do as you're told?

wizzler · 13/01/2023 19:18

I think you should just say No, but I can appreciate that's difficult at the moment

How about you say that as you are so heavily pregnant, you will hopefully be able to go , but you think they shouldn't have a contingency in case you aren't up to it ir the midwife orders you to rest? Might at least get them thinking of alternatives

YukoandHiro · 13/01/2023 19:14

Just tell your DH you don't feel well enough and he has to find an alternative

martha4clark · 13/01/2023 19:12

How old is your MIL?

Hbh17 · 13/01/2023 19:06

What is stopping an adult woman from getting a taxi, like anyone else would do?

breatheinskipthegym · 13/01/2023 19:01

DH doesn’t need to have a good relationship with his boss in order to annual leave. Annual leave is a basic entitlement.

MsGrumpytrousers · 13/01/2023 18:53

Kardelen · 13/01/2023 16:45

I think because I take my own parents etc, he thinks I should be able to. And if I say no? He may be thinking that I only think about my parents.

Does he do lots and lots of considerate things for your parents?

Go into your garden and practise saying no. Quietly but firmly. Just say it.

NewFoxOldTricks · 13/01/2023 18:52

You are old enough to have children, you're old enough to stand up for yourself.

MsGrumpytrousers · 13/01/2023 18:49

Kardelen · 13/01/2023 16:07

This is what I’m thinking. But not sure how to tell my husband?
its my last week of work, so he probably thinks as I still go work I can also take. If I say no, I’m worried he’s going to think bad of me.

He's behaving like a selfish idiot and he doesn't seem to be worried about you thinking badly of HIM.

Say no. Your husband or one of his siblings will have to go. People give birth at 36 weeks!

Hobbitfeet32 · 13/01/2023 18:47

Why can’t she get public transport or a taxi @Kardelen ?

Eeiliethya · 13/01/2023 18:46

Kardelen · 13/01/2023 16:49

That’s what I would love to say!
just can’t speak it out and stuck in this situation now.

i did mention how its traffic time etc and it’s long for me as it’s far but I don’t think he actually gets it. I said I’m not sure if I will be able to as I can’t predict how I feel everyday, some days I feel so exhausted.
so didn’t say yes, but he probably assumes I will.

maybe I’ll try talking to him again, hinting he should try take time off his work. But
im sure he’s going to say he can’t.

OP in the gentlest possible way, this is your husband. You shouldn't dread or be worried about having any kind of discussion with him.

It's really impractical for you to do what he's asking, you're not being unreasonable to say sorry but no can do.

Fraaahnces · 13/01/2023 18:21

He has issues with his boss…
MIL has issues with some of her kids…
OP has issues being heard by her DH and his family and is wondering if she’s going crazy.

IT’S NOT YOU @Kardelen HIS FAMILY IS DISFUNCTIONAL AF!!! LET THEM SORT THEMSELVES OUT!!!!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/01/2023 18:03

I don't think its a question of growing a back bone.
You tell them and they don't listen.
You absolutely cannot sacrifice your well being because your MIL is having a strop with her other son. No, Non, Niet
It doesn't matter what you do for your parents. That probably doesn't involve an unnecessary 3 hour drive.

Text this for extra clarity. If they complain say I've said it all in my text.

"Dear DH, Mil and siblings.
I cannot take MIL to her appointment.
I am 36 weeks pregnant with a history of going into labour early.
I cannot drive a 3 hour round trip plus appointment time, with a lively toddler in tow. It is too much.
I am completely exhausted and my midwife has advised me to take things as easy as possible and I'm going to take her advice.
I'm sure if you all put your heads together, you will come up with a better arrangement. love The Op"

NerrSnerr · 13/01/2023 17:57

I also will guarantee that once you say you can't take her one of her children will sort it out. They haven't bothered change their work/ plans as they just assume you'll do it. Definitely put your foot down or you'll be doing all the appointments while on maternity leave with a baby and toddler.

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