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Original poster

Should I take toddler to MIL appointment?

163 replies

Kardelen · 13/01/2023 15:52

I have a toddler just under the age of two. Also 36 weeks pregnant. My husband wants me to take MIL to her appointment as none of her other kids are free or for whatever reason won’t be taking.

the issue is however childcare. I can leave the toddler with my parents but they are elderly and I feel bad to burden them for this. The appointment will be at least one hour, and the journey minimum 1.5 hours each way as I will need to pick her up first and it falls to traffic time. She may also ask for me to take her grocery shopping after her appointment as this is not unusual. The issue is though, do I take my very active toddler with me? Which means I may not be able to attend the actual appointment with her, Or do leave him with my parents and feel guilty? I will also be feeling guilty for toddler being in the car seat for that long, but I also can’t physically chase him around outside.

I also don’t want to mention that I will be taking her to my parents as they always get anxious when I’m out alone as I’m on third trimester (first baby came early), and also wondering why her own children are unable to take.

much appreciated

OP posts:
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ImprobablePuffin · 14/01/2023 22:46

@Eyerollcentral OP has already said her parents are elderly and not in good health and that having the toddler would be quite difficult for them.

Eyerollcentral · 14/01/2023 22:32

DPotter · 14/01/2023 22:14

MIL is indeed part of Kardelen's family and she's part of theirs. So why isn't the MIL and the rest of the family thinking probably not a good idea for a woman who is 36 weeks pregnant to drive 1.5 each way, with a toddler. One of us should stand up for this.

It's been a while since I was 36 weeks pregnant and I didn't have a toddler, but my bladder was not up to being away from a toilet for long and my carpel tunnel was bloody painful.

The OP doesn’t have to take the toddler with her, she has said she can leave the child with the her parents.
If the OP doesn’t feel physically able to do the drive that is another matter, but she hasn’t said that I don’t think. Many mothers at 36 weeks would be able to drive an hour each way ( the OP says if the MIL stays with her it will reduce the travel time by half an hour each way).

Justanotherrandomusername · 14/01/2023 22:32

Stick to your guns. You can't do it. I wouldn't want to travel that far from home at 36 weeks unless it was an emergency. Definitely not with a toddler in tow. It's not your responsibility anyway, you don't need a reason to refuse. Why isn't anyone considering your needs? At 36 weeks pregnant my husband was looking after me and my MIL was encouraging me to rest and sleep while I still could.

DPotter · 14/01/2023 22:14

MIL is indeed part of Kardelen's family and she's part of theirs. So why isn't the MIL and the rest of the family thinking probably not a good idea for a woman who is 36 weeks pregnant to drive 1.5 each way, with a toddler. One of us should stand up for this.

It's been a while since I was 36 weeks pregnant and I didn't have a toddler, but my bladder was not up to being away from a toilet for long and my carpel tunnel was bloody painful.

Eyerollcentral · 14/01/2023 22:06

I would take my MIL to the appt and leave the toddler with your parents. It’s only for the afternoon. Sounds like your MIL is going to an occupational health assessment. These can be stressful and it would be nice for your MIL to have some support, she clearly trusts you and feels she can rely on you. I understand you wondering why your DH own siblings can’t do it but MIL is also part of your family.

DPotter · 14/01/2023 22:03

Did you push your point even when your DH said MIL would stay over and you could go from yours ? I know it can be difficult, especially when you have helped before, however you need to give a strong consistent message here. No is No.

Go back to your DH and tell him , don't ask, be firm and positive and certainly don't apologize. "I've been thinking more about MIL's appointment and I really am not feeling well enough to drive, even starting from here. So you or your family will have to sort it out or MIL goes alone". and put this on repeat. Each and every time you're asked - No can do. Not feeling well enough.

If he says - you agreed, say well things change when you're 36 weeks pregnant
If he says - you take your parents. say well yes I do, and I've taken your DM in the past and may well do in the future, but not this time.

Don't bring the toddler in to the discussion. You would be within your rights to refuse even if this was your first pregnancy - you don't feel strong / well enough.
Stand firm Karedlen !

ImprobablePuffin · 14/01/2023 21:57

Also it seems MIL had been told already you're doing it even though you haven't agreed which would make me question what's being said behind the scenes here

ImprobablePuffin · 14/01/2023 21:56

Kardelen · 14/01/2023 21:34

I did say I can’t do it, but now he’s insisting she comes over to stay and that we go from here rather than picking up, which would save time by half hour, assuming I’ll drop her to hers after ( that’s if his manager doesn’t let him off early, otherwise he will take).

Today saw his mum was in the impression I was going to take and was wondering why I can’t either. Not sure if im missing the plot or if they’re normal.

I'm confused. So you are taking her back to hers, so are you doing the hospital trip after all or is DH saying he'll do some of the trip and you do the rest or have I missed the mark completely?

Original poster
Kardelen · 14/01/2023 21:34

I did say I can’t do it, but now he’s insisting she comes over to stay and that we go from here rather than picking up, which would save time by half hour, assuming I’ll drop her to hers after ( that’s if his manager doesn’t let him off early, otherwise he will take).

Today saw his mum was in the impression I was going to take and was wondering why I can’t either. Not sure if im missing the plot or if they’re normal.

OP posts:
GreatGardenstuff · 14/01/2023 21:07

At 36 wks with a toddler you should be saying no to all of this. Your husband says no one else can do this, he should be saying you can’t do this!

Please put yourself first, instead of tying yourself in knots trying to problem solve something that’s not your problem.

Original poster
Kardelen · 14/01/2023 13:23

Not really, she normally goes elsewhere but for appointments this has always been the case. There is a language barrier, English isn’t her first language, but an interpreter has been booked and I also don’t speak the language so wouldn’t be any help in translation anyway.

OP posts:
Weepingwillows12 · 14/01/2023 13:20

Why does your mil need someone with her? Am guessing she can't drive so getting a lift might be easier but does she have any additional needs that means she needs support?

ImprobablePuffin · 14/01/2023 13:19

Why does he have to 'save' a trip? If you were doing it you would be expected to take her home and even possibly do a big shop for/with her.
Just tell him to take her home after as you don't want extra bodies in the house when you could go in to labour at any time.

Original poster
Kardelen · 14/01/2023 13:13

She actually has local walking distance shops around, and but not sure she just likes browsing inside. She didn’t request this yet, but this is me assuming as previous times she did, or before I had baby she used to call me to take her etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kardelen · 14/01/2023 13:09

oh also that was entirely his choice. I didn’t put pressure on him, he just wanted to. But again at that time I also did take his mother when I didn’t have toddler, or when toddler was looking after by dh.

it’s just now I’m heavily pregnant and don’t go out much with toddler on my own anyway even for my own needs as he’s very much active and throws tantrums, and I struggle to pick him up and carry him.
So a 1.5 hour minimum journey each way, plus waiting around for the duration of the appointment seems too much for me. But I doubt his family will understand

OP posts:
Original poster
Kardelen · 14/01/2023 13:03

His siblings wouldn’t,
but my dh did drive me a few time when they had appt. But obviously that was his day off and no other responsibilities at the time.
i also went with mil to many appointments before I had my baby, and did a few times after that too. I was pregnant at the time for some but obviously not as advanced and it wasn’t as far, and dh was looking after toddler in the car etc

OP posts:
Isthisreasonable · 14/01/2023 12:51

Do your dh and his siblings make themselves available to take your parents to appointments? What do you think would happen if you asked them to take your mum to an appointment?

Original poster
Kardelen · 14/01/2023 12:39

thank You for everyone’s contributions.
I did talk to him, he said he will speak to his siblings and see. He will also speak to his boss to see if he can leave work early, if his siblings can’t, but he wants to suggest her stay over night with us so he can save a trip from going to hers, and that it would be quicker. So I’m not sure even more now

OP posts:
PritiPatelsMaker · 14/01/2023 09:27

Is there a reason that you have to take her shopping too? Can't she do online or you drop her at a Supermarket and she gets a taxi home?

FeinCuroxiVooz · 13/01/2023 23:00

bumpytrumpy · 13/01/2023 22:22

Why can't she pay for her own taxi?

Show quote history

I presumed from OP's message of around 16:05ish iirc that the default assumption was that she couldn't, otherwise this whole thread is pointless

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 13/01/2023 22:59

Sorry, I have skipped through the tread, why can’t your mil get herself to the appointment?

CantMakeHeadNorTail · 13/01/2023 22:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

bumpytrumpy · 13/01/2023 22:22

FeinCuroxiVooz · 13/01/2023 17:30

her 4 children should be clubbing together to pay for a taxi for her. it's really inappropriate for them to be passing the buck to you at a time like this.

Why can't she pay for her own taxi?

Madamecastafiore · 13/01/2023 22:06

You need to learn to talk honestly with your husband, no hinting or worrying what he thinks of you. You're in late stages of pregnancy, went into early labour with previous child, who is still a toddler, which you will have to take with you.

This is all too much, it shouldn't fall on your shoulders. She'll have to sort something else out.

PlinkyPlonk1 · 13/01/2023 22:00

36 weeks pregnant is exhausting! Let alone doing up to 3 hours in the car plus and hour or two in between and then with a toddler in tow to take care of, feed and manage behaviour.

Your DH IBU. However, he probably has no concept of how exhausted you will be. Especially as your first child arrived early. I would say you're very sorry but he's going to have to take time off to do it. Being heavily pregnant is wiping you out and you won't manage such a big day out with all the driving without needing a lie down half way through.

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